equus

My husband's head plays tricks on him - not just alcoholism which plays any trick it can to keep the supply coming (guess where I think denial comes from?), but depression and anxiety as well.

It's getting easy for me to see him through it. Yesterday we went walking in the hills, it was my husband who wanted to carry the pack, my husband who booked the day off work, my husband who walked up the steep hill. But it was anxiety and depression made him feel he couldn't breathe, say he's weak, say he's ashamed, say he's useless.

I don't like the anxiety or the depression so I don't bl**dy well talk to them. I say 'I love you' and how beautiful the day is, how glad I am to be in the hills with him. I ask him if he's okay to carry on and it's my husband who says yes, gets up, and walks with me carrying the pack the rest of the day.

It's him that got back to work and goes every day, him who likes to watch cartoons and moans about washing up, him who get's distracted by an insect doing something groovy - I know that's him because alcoholism, depression and anxiety don't do any of that ('cept maybe the moaning over the washing up - but I think that's him!!). It's him that restarted his degree ten years after it ground to a halt, him that didn't forget me despite losing an entire 3 years of his life. I had to learn enough to understand what alcoholism, anxiety and depression were so I could see them and then leave them to him.

I watch these tricks his head plays on him and I know the tricks are on him, he pays and he has to keep his balance despite them. It's damn hard at the best of times but if I get wrapped up in them and confused too it just makes it harder.

I don't try and reason with alcoholism any more than the rest. If he says drinking real ale rather than guinness will help, I only reply to him - I say 'just look after yourself and keep learning' just the same as I ask if he's okay to go on with the walk. I hold my conversation with him - not the alcoholic logic tricking his head. Funny thing is the more I talk to him the more it's him rather than depression, alcoholism or anxiety that responds.

Some of this I got from here and I'm very, very grateful because while I try to figure out how to live without the expectation that we will grow old together at least I have these days knowing and seeing him.

Actions do speak louder than words.

bahookie

YES!
That's it, that's it.

"Funny thing is the more I talk to him the more it's him rather than depression, alcoholism or anxiety that responds."

I'm at a complete loss, how do I put this? That's it exactly, I talk to Les, I don't talk to the bizarre things going on; the insane conversations I pull myself out of are to do just that - talk to HER.
When I am around anger, frustration and nastiness, I used to talk to those things, trying to reason with them to get back to the real Les.
We are making progress now because we are talking to each other, not the sh***, and we're leaving it where it should be.

You're great you know that? That was a wee lightbulb coming on in my head.

I'm a bit jittery here with coffee and chocolate cake sorry!
Have a lovely weekend,
Thanks
Jane
xxx

gelfling

Awesome post Eq...learning to separate things is important. Not everything in the life of an alcoholic is alcohol related. There are the underlying issues. And living with 2 alcoholics...I know and have learned those problems and what is alcohol and what is not. Gotta treat them differently.

What an enlightening post. Thanks so much.

Huggers

cwohio

wow - this is an awesome post - i just need to learn how to stop talking/fighting with the disease.

jane - did i hear coffee and chocolate cake!!!!???? i am hungry!!

equus

It's weird - just one day I knew it was him being tricked too..