Question about Friends???

Old 04-13-2005, 09:44 AM
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Question about Friends???

Do any of you ever feel like the friends you make all seem to have their own serious issues? I think I am starting to feel like a need a break from the entire world. I talk to one friend who is going through a seperation/divorce and her H really is an ass, but yet talking to her I can see how she is to blame too. Then I talk to another friend who has a daughter who is having some issues with her bf..the bf is most likely depressed, and obsessive compulsive(both his mom and g-ma are) and from the way the kid acts wouldn't doubt if he's bi-polar too. However he REFUSES to admit he even HAS a problem(all the while well saying he thinks he wants to die and he's gonna cut himself). The daughter REFUSES to break up with the guy however. :-( Anyhow since last night it seems I am talking to either one or the other, and I think i need a break. I put on my away message and I am checking the caller ID before I amswer the phone. lol My husband tells me I draw those sorts of people, problems people as he calls them lol. I don't know, sometimes i honestly think I do and I wonder how the heck to stop it. Grrrr. I guess for starters I need to stop being so nice and be more blunt with people. lol
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Old 04-13-2005, 09:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Julie1016
My husband tells me I draw those sorts of people, problems people as he calls them lol. I don't know, sometimes i honestly think I do and I wonder how the heck to stop it.
Julie,

Welcome to my world..I know I pick these people out ..as boyfriends too..I seem to graviate towards unhealthy codependent people..but I'm working on it..trying to hang out with healthier people...Guess that's why I love AlAnon..Most of the people are at least aware of their issue, not trying to load them on me and trying to get better..

I have let many friendships go over the past few years because I was allowing these people to make me insane..

I do wonder if there are any "healthy" people that are not in 12 step programs..
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Old 04-13-2005, 09:57 AM
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My close friends don't but I get teased because almost strangers seem to tell me their life stories!!

I got stuck in a petrol station once because the attendant (who was always there but normally only said hello) decided to tell me about her illnesses (numerous) divorce, son, etc etc etc... Meanwhile I'm thinking I'm going to be late for work but it was so traumatic I didn't know how to pull away.

D's Mum on our 3rd meeting poured her guts out about his drinking, her marriage and plenty of other stuff too. Again, I needed it like a hole in the head but I so felt for her - all I could do was sit and listen, she hadn't had anyone to talk to about this for 20 years!!!

On holiday I get introduced to a circle of SL'an friends one of whom has a drink problem (1 in 5 over there so a bit hard to avoid). He then decides to tell me of a childhood full of abuse that then continued from his brother through adulthood.

Of all of these this one was worth something because he then told his other friends and although he still has a drink problem an enormous healing took place. They had guessed some of the stuff but just gathered round him as new 'family' and weren't angry anymore. The string of accidents one of which left him burned and another that left him without the use of his right hand started to make sense. Whether he winds up dead or not he got forgiveness and acceptance so I don't mind the emotional washing machine of him telling me first.

I work with kids in care and the same thing happens - more to me than other people I work with - just children telling me their lives.

Currently, because of the amount it happens at work I've asked to attend a basic counselling course - I want the tools to deal with it.
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Old 04-13-2005, 09:58 AM
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You could be a codie ...

... or in other words, and enabler. You sound like you're the "compassionate ear" and the shoulder others with messed-up lives can rely on to listen to them, try to "fix" them, help them out, etc. It also sounds as if your darn sick and tired of doing it! EVERYONE has issues - that goes with life. But I know what you mean - some folks continue to wallow in their issues for years without doing anything constructive on their own about it. It's almost as if they gain their identity from their misery and bitching about the other person who's done them wrong. I have cut my ties with those folks. Now I mostly hang out with Al-Anon's or codies working a program. We take responsibility for ourselves, respect one another, and learn to accept and enjoy life on life's terms. Easier said than done ...

Were there any addicts in your family when you were growing up? Frequently someone with an alcoholic parent becomes an enabler to other people because they're so used to coping with the chaos of living in an alcoholic home. I'm only conjecturing here, so correct me if I'm wrong.

Don't feel guilty about screening your calls. After all, you can only listen to someone bellyache about the same old problem so many times!
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Old 04-13-2005, 10:17 AM
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Were there any addicts in your family when you were growing up? Frequently someone with an alcoholic parent becomes an enabler to other people because they're so used to coping with the chaos of living in an alcoholic home. I'm only conjecturing here, so correct me if I'm wrong.

Don't feel guilty about screening your calls. After all, you can only listen to someone bellyache about the same old problem so many times

Yep!! My mom is an alcoholic..has been since before the day I was even born(btw i was born at a mere 4 pounds even). However I didn't live with my mom much growing up..kinda on and off from birth through 5th grade, but from 5th grade on I lived with my sister....which well developed her own drinking problem over the years. She has now been sober 3+ years thank god :-) Then of course I have my 2 brother...one an alcoholic, the other a drug abuser. As for my dad...well parents divorced when I was only 3, but he just preferred to smack people around, I got my end of that deal when I was 16, ended up in the police station and ER. Now my dad and I have wonderful relationship however and he has changed. Yep....amazing as it may sound, I for one never got addicted to drinking, never even TRIED drugs and never even smoked cigs....okay well i did for about a month lol. I have an occasional drink..maybe 5-6 per year. I get scared if I start to drink much more then that. But yes, I do think I draw these people in some aspects. I've actually been told by people that I should become a counselor because I'm so good at helping people. Thing is.....I don't think I could handle a job like that.
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Old 04-13-2005, 10:32 AM
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You sound so much like me!!! Funny how we are all alike in some aspects on this board..

I am working on becoming a life coach and may go back to get a Master's in Counselling..I decided since I was so good at it..I might as well get paid for it..
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Old 04-13-2005, 11:34 AM
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Remember- Needy people will always feed off you-That is if you allow them to, we need to set healthy boundaries for ourselves which we would normally learn from a young age with the right parental nurture however, living with alcoholic parents throws all that out the window! It's tough for us to correct our flaws when were older as old habits die hard!
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Old 04-13-2005, 11:38 AM
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Wow! I was going to make a thread on this exact same thing!

I never grew up with an A parent, but an abusive one. I have almost always attracted addict/or A friends. I just met some new people the other night when I went out, and of course gave them my number, but I don't think they are the kind of people I need in my life right now. They have called me since Sunday, and I haven't answered my phone either. I feel so cruel, I just don't know how to be nice about telling them to go away????
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Old 04-13-2005, 01:20 PM
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Recently a friend of mine was dating a married man (still is i think) he told her to her face that he is not leaving his wife, ever! I think he's a sh*t, she thinks he's her soul mate and wont give him up. However everytime i saw her she'd be in tears that he hasnt called her, or is going on his family holiday with wife and child...this has gone on for years now, and i could not put up with it anymore, i told her time and time again that he was honest and upfront with her, so either she puts up and shuts up or she gets out.
I eventually had to get rid of her out of my life as it was this constant misery all the time....i tried to help, i tried to listen....but in the end there was no helping her and i'd end up with pent up anger towards this idiot who i didnt even know!

OMG that is so me with my one friend who's daughter has the bf that causes problems. Sad part is her daughter is ONLY 16 and she has been dating this guy for 2-1/2 years. That to me is a whole nother topic so don't even get me started. Amazing part of the daughters bf...he has the same last name as my maiden name....I often wonder if we are somehow related lol. One thing with my friend though, she WILL take some of my advice but only to a certain degree. Like she'll start something I mention.but then never follow it all the way through. She has a good heart, she really honestly does. And when things are good between her daughter & bf, then we have a regular friendship. Lucky i guess for me the past 3 weeks had been normal...until last night. lol. Talking to the other friend going through the seperation today, and she must not have liked what i said at one point cuz she logged off without saying goodbye. Oh well. I take so much listening and then i get sick of it and start to be blunt and tell things as I see it. Afterall i have my own issues to deal with.
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Old 04-13-2005, 07:31 PM
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About 10 years ago, I took a good look at the so-called "friends" that AH and I were hanging out with. I realized that they were all partiers of some sort and I knew that I didn't want my life to be like that or go where there's had led them. I let them go. Eventually when we had an episode (putting this nicely), AH finally let them go as well.
I still had a few friends of my own that were totally seperate of AH or the crowd we'd hung out. Friends I had from high school. I realized a few years later that they were not good for me. I let them go.
Then again, just in the past 2 years, I've really taken a really hard close look at my friends (and my family). I've taken a good hard look at my marriage, my life, and just everything!!!! Needless to say, some more friends and family members were let go from my daily life. They were placed a little lower on the totem pole as their crises's, problems, dysfunctions, etc were all bad for me and were bringing me down. They were bad for me and my recovery.
Today I have true friends. I have friends that give me more than they take. They are supportive, they are my cheerleaders! They love me, they care about me, they are honest with me and they are loyal to me and what is best for me. They are a lot of things; but truly, they are my "Friends!" in the way that the word is meant.
It took me awhile to figure out how to really pick those people I wanted in my life, those people that were not toxic for me. But once I set my mind to finding myself and getting a new life, it's been so much better.
Sometimes we may like someone and call them our friend. But in reality, they can be very toxic for us and we need to let them go. Another thing I've come to use in my life is the whole detaching thing. I used to get so absorbed with my friends and their problems that it only added to my own stress and everything. Today it's not like that. I can care and sympathize - but it's no longer MY problem.
It's not easy to let go of people that you think of as friends. But then again, maybe it's time you re-evaluate what a "friend" really is. Surround yourself with peole that are good for you. In the long run, you'll be happier for it.
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Old 04-13-2005, 07:48 PM
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You took the words out of my mouth!

(((StandingStrong)))
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Old 04-13-2005, 08:11 PM
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Yep - I tend to attract those with problems too. Then I get frustrated when I try to fix their problem and they don't listen. But I've learn to shut up. It's their life, not mine. They can live in their own misery, I have enough of my own to deal with...lol

(((((Julie)))))
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Old 04-14-2005, 01:27 AM
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This has got me thinking. Mostly it is people I hardly know that do this to me, my friends are just normal humans who can be a pain sometimes, just like me but not habitually. One friend is annoying because she rarely opens up but is a great listener, sometimes it leaves me feeling like I've taken more than I've given - she's okay with it though, she says she knows she can talk if she wants.

But I think it may have had something to do with D first talking to me and becoming friends years ago. Now he's often with me and sees it happen to me - even the local pizza shop folk talk to me about personal stuff and I have sort of said to him it mystifies me. He said he first talked to me because I looked at him as if he was a person.

Looking at those I've picked out as friends none of them have been people who began by 'opening up' to me. Even D first helped me with my homework - it was ages into our friendship that he told me any hard stuff and only one of my others friends has ever really had any major problems.

Some people I've met have been good friends to me but have also opened up - but not in a grabby or needy way, just honestly.

Because it happens to me quite a lot with people I've hardly met and I have warmed to them, even liked them, but I've rarely if ever sought out their friendship longterm. In a sense I think I've backed away. With just one exception D but then oddly considering the cr*p I know he's been through he hardly ever talks about it - when he does it isn't emotive and he expects it to have no effect, like he expects me to have forgotten the day after. His Mum and brother actually told me more about what happened than he ever has. I've always felt like this frustrates me but now I'm wondering if a part of me is afraid.

The kids I work with have said (working as a group and all of them agreed) that no-one loved or wanted them because it was too hard.
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Old 04-14-2005, 02:56 AM
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Now what

Looks like I dont know how to make real friends. I got rid of my toxic "friends" the ones who only used me as a sounding board and weren't interested in any of my things or thoughts, the ones who only wanted me to listen or help out in their chaos. I wasn't being heard at all. But now I have no one and I'm so lonely that I have started to talk to myself a lot more than I did before.

Then when the darkness hits me I start with the thoughts that no one wants to be my friend since I don't have any. I don't know what to do anymore but I can't deal with loneliness either. It's a dead end situation.

Making friends never used to be this difficult. Nowadays it seems that people are so busy with their lives that there is no room for a new friend since there is no time share with the old friends either. The few friends I do have don't seem to have time for me and I see them so rarely that I almost forget that they exist. But I don't want to go back to hanging out with the toxic ones either.
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Old 04-14-2005, 09:10 AM
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what is a good reply when someone asks you why you aren't friends anymore?

I've been going through a rapid growth phase the past few years and letting go of "friends" that were bringing me down..

I've been asked a few times recently by other people: "how come you aren't friends with so-so"..

I don't really feel guilty (well maybe a little bit..I'm still recovering codie afterall)..but don't know how to reply. I don't need to explain myself..

One friend last night said to say "we've moved in separate directions"..

so I'm trying to repeat that in my mind..

Any other suggestions of what to say?
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