Why do I do this to myself?
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Why do I do this to myself?
Hi again! I'm so thankful for this board and all of you 
I'm very new to Al-Anon; the town that I live in is quit small compared to where I had orginally lived. I'm lucky if I can find one meeting a day.
Ok here is my question; I find myself back sliding and becoming more forgiving, in this case I had had enough, and kicked out my Abf about a week and a half ago. Although its been about a week since we last talked, I find myself feeling sorry for him and his disease. I feel as though I'm not giving enough to myself as far as my feelings are concerned. I know this must be part of being Co-Dependent, and also just being a human being; but this is usually the point where I totally forgive him and allow him back into my life, only to have the cycle start again.
I miss him, but at the same time I'm so very angry with him. There is something different about him leaving, and thats that he moved back in with his Mom, doesn't even have a house key to get back in here, and he hasn't begged or pleaded with me in allowing him to come back. I now feel as though I've done something wrong; I feel almost guilty for kicking him out....
I'm very new to Al-Anon; the town that I live in is quit small compared to where I had orginally lived. I'm lucky if I can find one meeting a day.
Ok here is my question; I find myself back sliding and becoming more forgiving, in this case I had had enough, and kicked out my Abf about a week and a half ago. Although its been about a week since we last talked, I find myself feeling sorry for him and his disease. I feel as though I'm not giving enough to myself as far as my feelings are concerned. I know this must be part of being Co-Dependent, and also just being a human being; but this is usually the point where I totally forgive him and allow him back into my life, only to have the cycle start again.
I miss him, but at the same time I'm so very angry with him. There is something different about him leaving, and thats that he moved back in with his Mom, doesn't even have a house key to get back in here, and he hasn't begged or pleaded with me in allowing him to come back. I now feel as though I've done something wrong; I feel almost guilty for kicking him out....
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
I miss him, but at the same time I'm so very angry with him. There is something different about him leaving, and thats that he moved back in with his Mom, doesn't even have a house key to get back in here, and he hasn't begged or pleaded with me in allowing him to come back. I now feel as though I've done something wrong; I feel almost guilty for kicking him out....
I really do recommend that you find alanon meetings and the literature they hand out. It wouldn't hurt for you to get hold of a copy of the AA Big Book. There are so many personalities to the alcoholic and it's impossible to analyze why they do or don't do this or that.
Don't make yourself weary by wondering and feeling guilty. You've not heard from him since you told him to leave. It's possible he's so deep into the alcoholism that he cares for no one other than himself. Feeling sorry for him won't help him get sober. And for the love of God, don't feel sorry for the disease. It's what it is. Loving the disease won't make it go away. The disease is his and his alone. The only person who can help him in regard to fighting the disease is himself.
You did what you knew you had to do for your sanity and health. Falling back is easy. Especially when we're alone. Your decision was a very wise and mature one. Give yourself time to learn about the disease, go to meetings and give yourself a chance to heal.
I really do recommend that you find alanon meetings and the literature they hand out. It wouldn't hurt for you to get hold of a copy of the AA Big Book. There are so many personalities to the alcoholic and it's impossible to analyze why they do or don't do this or that.
Don't make yourself weary by wondering and feeling guilty. You've not heard from him since you told him to leave. It's possible he's so deep into the alcoholism that he cares for no one other than himself. Feeling sorry for him won't help him get sober. And for the love of God, don't feel sorry for the disease. It's what it is. Loving the disease won't make it go away. The disease is his and his alone. The only person who can help him in regard to fighting the disease is himself.
You did what you knew you had to do for your sanity and health. Falling back is easy. Especially when we're alone. Your decision was a very wise and mature one. Give yourself time to learn about the disease, go to meetings and give yourself a chance to heal.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 67
Hi Savana 54 - you have recognized a pattern, and moreover, recognized that you are tired of it. I broke up with my ABF also about a week ago - it has not been easy, but it's better than being stuck in the same flight pattern with him.
Look at it this way - the more time that passes, and the more work you do on yourself (al-anon, reading, exercising, eating correctly) the more perspective into what is healthy you will gain. Regardless of what happens between you and him down the road, it sounds like you need this time to yourself - and of course I'm projecting here too....
And, never feel bad about posting or looking for answers here. Just writing it out is therapeutic, and, you'll start to find a consistency in the answers too - which is to work on yourself - you can't change him, and gelfing is right - it is his problem. And, you are helping someone else out too, who is reading your post and seeing themselves within it.
Don't feel too sorry for him - he's the one threating to take you to court too, right? We can hope that this situation will be his bottom, but that's it - only hope - not try to force it.
With love.....
Look at it this way - the more time that passes, and the more work you do on yourself (al-anon, reading, exercising, eating correctly) the more perspective into what is healthy you will gain. Regardless of what happens between you and him down the road, it sounds like you need this time to yourself - and of course I'm projecting here too....
And, never feel bad about posting or looking for answers here. Just writing it out is therapeutic, and, you'll start to find a consistency in the answers too - which is to work on yourself - you can't change him, and gelfing is right - it is his problem. And, you are helping someone else out too, who is reading your post and seeing themselves within it.
Don't feel too sorry for him - he's the one threating to take you to court too, right? We can hope that this situation will be his bottom, but that's it - only hope - not try to force it.
With love.....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Marysville Ohio
Posts: 34
I just read a book called "Getting Them Sober" And it has a lot of insight and ways to get over being co-dependant and heal yourself from within. I ordered it from amazon.com. Please remember God is always with us through thick and thin. And keep in mind this too shall pass. Keep your chin up!!
too much on my plate!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Thanks cwohio...I'm wondering now if I made my decision out of sheer anger, and maybe I wasn't thinking strait. Because now I don't want him back as a partner, I'm just wondering about the financial portion.
I don't know if I did the right thing or not...??
I don't know if I did the right thing or not...??
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
