the codie prison sentence
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
the codie prison sentence
tonight i was thinking about my A. and i realized... i just dont want him in my life. i have a pretty good life. great job, great friends, a good program that is showing me promise, beautiful land, and i deserve to rest in peace each night of my life. content in the knowledge i am going to have to be my own best friend every day of my life.
my A thinks only of himself, which means he has no time for me. my A lies to me, which means i would have to live day to day in a relationship based upon dishonesty. my A refuses to grow up. i raised two teenagers already, i sure as hell dont want one that will never leave or grow up. my A refuses to get a program, which means i would "be there" only in the capacity of sex and someone to mourn at the funeral. my A had to be told its not cool to have a "girlfriend" when we were having a relationship, i dont want a spoiled child who only thinks of himself. my A had to be told that life exists beyond the computer and his porn addiction. i dont want to have to babysit the rest of my life.
life is worth living and living well. we cannot choose recovery for our A's. but i dont have to live with it either. i was raised to be nice, to be gentle, to give. it took my A to show me how some people are just morally bankrupt and take advantage of that. do i regret giving to him? not really. i just regret i wasnt street savvy enough to protect myself from the hurt.
i am going to walk in the sunshine. i am going to pursue things that are good, kind and rewarding. i am going to reward someone who does good, kind things.... me. i am going to go dancing. its been three years since i went dancing because my A didnt want to or was too drunk to ever go. i want to talk to someone. someone who doesnt blow up at me or stomp around acting like a wounded 5 yr old. i want to go to dinner parties that dont end in someone peeing on me in their sleep. i want to have my free time spent in serenity.
a lifetime of choices faces each of us. i do not have to pay the price for his choices. i do have to pay the price for mine. and wasting my life on him is an abuse of the gifts god gave me. each of us build bridges to heaven or hell. i am going to walk this day towards heaven. for i know what hell on earth can be. and i dont want that any more.
thanks for letting me blither,
quietsins
my A thinks only of himself, which means he has no time for me. my A lies to me, which means i would have to live day to day in a relationship based upon dishonesty. my A refuses to grow up. i raised two teenagers already, i sure as hell dont want one that will never leave or grow up. my A refuses to get a program, which means i would "be there" only in the capacity of sex and someone to mourn at the funeral. my A had to be told its not cool to have a "girlfriend" when we were having a relationship, i dont want a spoiled child who only thinks of himself. my A had to be told that life exists beyond the computer and his porn addiction. i dont want to have to babysit the rest of my life.
life is worth living and living well. we cannot choose recovery for our A's. but i dont have to live with it either. i was raised to be nice, to be gentle, to give. it took my A to show me how some people are just morally bankrupt and take advantage of that. do i regret giving to him? not really. i just regret i wasnt street savvy enough to protect myself from the hurt.
i am going to walk in the sunshine. i am going to pursue things that are good, kind and rewarding. i am going to reward someone who does good, kind things.... me. i am going to go dancing. its been three years since i went dancing because my A didnt want to or was too drunk to ever go. i want to talk to someone. someone who doesnt blow up at me or stomp around acting like a wounded 5 yr old. i want to go to dinner parties that dont end in someone peeing on me in their sleep. i want to have my free time spent in serenity.
a lifetime of choices faces each of us. i do not have to pay the price for his choices. i do have to pay the price for mine. and wasting my life on him is an abuse of the gifts god gave me. each of us build bridges to heaven or hell. i am going to walk this day towards heaven. for i know what hell on earth can be. and i dont want that any more.
thanks for letting me blither,
quietsins
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
it's hit me pretty hard like *yesterday* that i have been in a codie prison -and i am now wondering why have i been here so long? just for the kids? because i had no other options? i don't know. but i'm beginning to tread on some shaky ground-however, i did decide to take a trip to the city for myself. that's a real big step!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Birthplace of Rock & Roll, Home of the Blues
Posts: 233
(((quietsins)))
that was beautiful. it expressed so well where many of us have been or will be someday...
I love walking in the sunshine and dancing in the rain! These are my choices now.
that was beautiful. it expressed so well where many of us have been or will be someday...
I love walking in the sunshine and dancing in the rain! These are my choices now.
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