Really lost
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Powell, WY
Posts: 2
Really lost
Back again, I pray every night to god , he is where I find solace from miserable self hatred. i'm always making the same mistakes, convincing myself that drugs will bring me peace and happiness. knowing truly that it just brings more pain and self loathing. i would think that after all the hell it took to quit the first time, I would have never started up again. But I have come to realize that i am a very self destructive human being. It's like i enjoy torturing myself. Without a bunch of chaos in my life i wouldn't know how to act.So reguardless of my intelligent side, which I choose to ignore, I continue down this path of self abuse. It's embrassing and shameful. I tell my family that i feel lost and that i don't no who I am or where i fit in. But the truth is I do no myself better then I would like to. I'm not lost i just don't know how to change, where to begin. I'm afraid of altering anything about me. It's almost like even though the the addiction that is destroying me , although not healthy , has been me for so long i'm scared to change it. It has become comfort even through the madness it has created. I finally took a huge leap today, I had my power shut off, The first start of losing everything again, I called the bishop of my church and humbled myself for the first time in along time. I don't want to use again. I'm so sick and tired of the lying and sneeking and decieving that I have put my family through. I told my husband awhile ago i quit. yeah right another lie i have to regret. The madness and the merry go round ended today. i meet with the bihop tomorrow to fix the debt i have put us in, and to take finally fess up and account for all the madness,. Iwill be praying tonight. I'm sorry for the long post but I know here there will be people who understand.
Samantha
Samantha
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
Wow Samantha,
I do understand and was in this vicious cycle forever. It's awful I know and I hope you find the help you need. I also hope you will stick around here and let us help. The acknowledgement of the active addiction is the first step to recovery and you are making some good choices in that regard. We will be praying that it turns out well for you. Please let us know how it goes.
I do understand and was in this vicious cycle forever. It's awful I know and I hope you find the help you need. I also hope you will stick around here and let us help. The acknowledgement of the active addiction is the first step to recovery and you are making some good choices in that regard. We will be praying that it turns out well for you. Please let us know how it goes.
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
Hi Realtree
You've made an amazing step by just admitting the addiction in the first place. That is really awesome> I am so sorry that you feel so bad right now, but the actions you are going to put in place are going to alleviate these feelings - as will every day sober. just be patient. Also, please don't try do it alone- are there NA meetings in your area? It's so amazing to have face to face support in this as WELL as working a program to help us to change our lives for the better all the wya through.
Also, check in to the NA and substance abuse forums they are so great as well.
we're here to help you and support you.
Stay strong, just one day at a time you are doing the right thing, you never have to feel ilke this again.
cathy31
x
You've made an amazing step by just admitting the addiction in the first place. That is really awesome> I am so sorry that you feel so bad right now, but the actions you are going to put in place are going to alleviate these feelings - as will every day sober. just be patient. Also, please don't try do it alone- are there NA meetings in your area? It's so amazing to have face to face support in this as WELL as working a program to help us to change our lives for the better all the wya through.
Also, check in to the NA and substance abuse forums they are so great as well.
we're here to help you and support you.
Stay strong, just one day at a time you are doing the right thing, you never have to feel ilke this again.
cathy31
x
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 448
Hi Samantha
Thanks for your post. Hundreds if not thousands of people get their power cut off every day and that's without an drug or alcohol problem. That's because they are normal, imperfect human beings. In my view, it is normal to be imperfect and have problems. And normal to want to be free of them also. And absolutely possible to get free of addiction and lead a more enlightened life.
Thanks for your post. Hundreds if not thousands of people get their power cut off every day and that's without an drug or alcohol problem. That's because they are normal, imperfect human beings. In my view, it is normal to be imperfect and have problems. And normal to want to be free of them also. And absolutely possible to get free of addiction and lead a more enlightened life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: No man's land
Posts: 32
Hang in there, Kathy, you can do this! Keep praying, your HP, hears you and wants to help you. Do whatever you need to do to get clean,life is so good, give it a chance, clean. Find out where there is an NA or AA meeting in your area, and get to a meeting, the help is there. Life gets so much better when we get clean, and start working a program. For me, it was the only way. Please post again and let us know how you are.
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Hi Sam,
I so identify with you post I could have written in myself. The self hatred in me is strong too. Many people have suggested that you try getting to a meeting. I would second that opinion, though personally I have chosen another path for my recovery. I have been to many meetings and on of the things I found comforting was that they said "they will love you until you learn to love yourself" That meant a lot to me. Hell, I was just happy to learn to like myself, or even not hate myself so much! For me I woke up one morning with "a moment of clairty" I had been lying in bed for the last two days because I was out of my DOC, feeling misiralble, hopeless, suicidal, etc. I had felt these thing so many times before, I didn't know what I was going to do. The third day I woke up in the morning and didn't feel quite so bad and it hit me, "maybe it's the drugs!" Now the intelectual side of me had known this to be true for quite some time. I had been to treatment twice, psych ward twice, a hundred meetings, etc. but this spoke to the inner me. It's hard to describe, but I finally got it. And it has been easier since. You sound like you are at about the same point I was, maybe you can have this same breakthrough. As you said, you know in your head you have to stop, you just have to convince your heart. I wish you luck on your journey. I think you are ready. Go check out some of those meetings and if they don't help there are other means of recovery available, so don't despair. There is something out there that will help you. You can recover. I have faith in you.
Peace,
Tyler
I so identify with you post I could have written in myself. The self hatred in me is strong too. Many people have suggested that you try getting to a meeting. I would second that opinion, though personally I have chosen another path for my recovery. I have been to many meetings and on of the things I found comforting was that they said "they will love you until you learn to love yourself" That meant a lot to me. Hell, I was just happy to learn to like myself, or even not hate myself so much! For me I woke up one morning with "a moment of clairty" I had been lying in bed for the last two days because I was out of my DOC, feeling misiralble, hopeless, suicidal, etc. I had felt these thing so many times before, I didn't know what I was going to do. The third day I woke up in the morning and didn't feel quite so bad and it hit me, "maybe it's the drugs!" Now the intelectual side of me had known this to be true for quite some time. I had been to treatment twice, psych ward twice, a hundred meetings, etc. but this spoke to the inner me. It's hard to describe, but I finally got it. And it has been easier since. You sound like you are at about the same point I was, maybe you can have this same breakthrough. As you said, you know in your head you have to stop, you just have to convince your heart. I wish you luck on your journey. I think you are ready. Go check out some of those meetings and if they don't help there are other means of recovery available, so don't despair. There is something out there that will help you. You can recover. I have faith in you.
Peace,
Tyler
Miss Behavin'
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: regina,saskatchewan
Posts: 966
welcome realtree, my thoughts and prayers are with you! I too was my biggest resentment, i couldn't look in the mirror and the guilt and shame of my actions kept me out there, in that hell you describe so well!!
Faith, the size of a mustard seed is all we need. You are worth every effort!!
God hears you and loves you but we have to do the footwork, He helps those who help themselves.
There are days that i hate this disease so much i feel like giving up, but not nearly as much as i did before i choose recovery. I have found a new life and you can to, one day at a time, God Bless
Faith, the size of a mustard seed is all we need. You are worth every effort!!
God hears you and loves you but we have to do the footwork, He helps those who help themselves.
There are days that i hate this disease so much i feel like giving up, but not nearly as much as i did before i choose recovery. I have found a new life and you can to, one day at a time, God Bless
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: The Mohave Desert
Posts: 2,306
Hi Sam
So glad you found SR and welcome aboard.
You are not alone.
Besides coming here for support and understanding, it would be very helpful for you to get some support there locally... I have found it impossible to get sober on my own... I spent almost 10 years trying to do that. I get alot of tools from sharing my experience with others who are going through or have been through my struggles with addiction.
Call some ph# and reach out... it is a step in the right direction.
I do not know if Cody is too far, but that may be an option as well.
Let me know if I can help in any way.
NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS - Meets at 146 S. Bent (Big Horn Enterprise building) on Mondays at 7 p.m. Call 202-0858 for more information.
AA MEETINGS Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 8 p.m., 230 N. Clark.
CODY NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS meets Friday nights at 7 at the Christ Church Episcopal, across from Sunset Motor Inn. Open meetings. Call 587-5187 for more information.
So glad you found SR and welcome aboard.
You are not alone.
Besides coming here for support and understanding, it would be very helpful for you to get some support there locally... I have found it impossible to get sober on my own... I spent almost 10 years trying to do that. I get alot of tools from sharing my experience with others who are going through or have been through my struggles with addiction.
Call some ph# and reach out... it is a step in the right direction.
I do not know if Cody is too far, but that may be an option as well.
Let me know if I can help in any way.
NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS - Meets at 146 S. Bent (Big Horn Enterprise building) on Mondays at 7 p.m. Call 202-0858 for more information.
AA MEETINGS Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 8 p.m., 230 N. Clark.
CODY NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS meets Friday nights at 7 at the Christ Church Episcopal, across from Sunset Motor Inn. Open meetings. Call 587-5187 for more information.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
