Help - I think I'm losing it!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Lancaster
Posts: 120
Help - I think I'm losing it!!!
I have been having a really bad last few days and I feel like I am losing it! My A and I broke up a little over 3 months ago - we kept in contact for the first month on a somewhat friendly basis and then he exploded on me on January 31st and we have not talked since expect 1 time for about 3 minutes when I asked him to repay me the money he owes me and give me back my furniture that he still has. Of course he told me I am a whacko bitch and he has lost all respect for me because of what I have done (but he won't tell me what it is that I have done other than I know he is mad that spoke to his aunt when she called me) but that really isn't the point. I have been doing so well with trying to move on that I really felt I was getting over him until all of this hit. I know in my mind and deep in my heart that he is not the right person for me - he has a problem and he is still in denial and I seriously doubt he will ever get help for his problem. Even if he quits the drugs and alcohol he has years of emotional scars from his mother leaving him as a child through 2 bad marriages and a broken engagement. He is not the type of person that would ever seek counseling because only "crazy people" do that. So I know in my heart that he will never open himself up to me emotionally and I am the type of person that needs to feel emotionally connected to my significant other. So okay I know it will never work, truth of the matter is the last few months that we were together were really not much fun - he wasn't going out as much but I think he was drugging much more because after work he would come home and go right to sleep on my couch and then wake up in the middle of the night all restless. I saw a big change in his personality and I just didn't enjoy being with him. When I finally broke it off with him it was both a relief and a very sad time.
I thought I was moving on, going in the right direction I have been sure that I did the right thing. But lately I am just filled with sadness and self doubt and a bunch of other emotions. I really miss him. I miss the good. I guess maybe I am focusing on the good and forgetting the bad. I was told he is selling his house so any thoughts I may have had in my subconscious about us living together there again are over - I think that may be a contributing factor in all of this. It is really hard for me to accept the fact that he has so easily moved on. I thought I was a much more important part of his life than he apparently thought I was. We live in a small town so it is impossible to not hear things about him and that bothers me because all these people I know are telling me stuff and that hurts because he was such a big part of my life and now I am nothing. I was the person he would go to when he needed someone to talk to and I loved that I loved being there for him and now he is living his life and I am not a part of it at all. That hurts. I know it shouldn't but it does.
He keeps telling everybody how good he's doing that he's behaving - he hardly ever goes out and hardly ever drinks - of course he's telling this to people I know that he runs into at the bar. I keep thinking well what if he really has stopped drinking and stopped going out all the time then he could be the person I always wanted - the person he told me he really is. What if some other woman gets the person I wanted. I bothers me because he told me all the things I wanted to hear - he told me he was the person I wanted - his actions showed me quite a different person. What if he is really becomeing that person - I put in all that time waiting, putting up with a lot of crap and never got it.
He told me after we broke up that he doesn't need to drink or do drugs anymore because now that I am out of his life he is under less pressure and he doesn't need that stuff. That really hurt because I never put any pressure on him - he did nothing for me and I asked for nothing from him. The little I did ask I didn't get anyway - I wanted him to sleep in the bed with me rather than the couch - of course that was too much for him to do.
I guess another thing that has been bothering me lately is that his neighbor who I got to be friends with when I lived with him has been acting strangly to me lately. When I run into her she seems stand-offish like she doesn't want to be bothered with me and I'm not really sure why. I know that I am probably just paranoid because I have thought this about her in the past and then the next time I see her she is fine.
Everything just seems to be so out of control lately - my emotions are going crazy. Why is this happening now - 3 months later??? Can anyone help me here??? I have a counseling appointment tomorrow so hopefully that will help some.
Sorry this is so long.
I thought I was moving on, going in the right direction I have been sure that I did the right thing. But lately I am just filled with sadness and self doubt and a bunch of other emotions. I really miss him. I miss the good. I guess maybe I am focusing on the good and forgetting the bad. I was told he is selling his house so any thoughts I may have had in my subconscious about us living together there again are over - I think that may be a contributing factor in all of this. It is really hard for me to accept the fact that he has so easily moved on. I thought I was a much more important part of his life than he apparently thought I was. We live in a small town so it is impossible to not hear things about him and that bothers me because all these people I know are telling me stuff and that hurts because he was such a big part of my life and now I am nothing. I was the person he would go to when he needed someone to talk to and I loved that I loved being there for him and now he is living his life and I am not a part of it at all. That hurts. I know it shouldn't but it does.
He keeps telling everybody how good he's doing that he's behaving - he hardly ever goes out and hardly ever drinks - of course he's telling this to people I know that he runs into at the bar. I keep thinking well what if he really has stopped drinking and stopped going out all the time then he could be the person I always wanted - the person he told me he really is. What if some other woman gets the person I wanted. I bothers me because he told me all the things I wanted to hear - he told me he was the person I wanted - his actions showed me quite a different person. What if he is really becomeing that person - I put in all that time waiting, putting up with a lot of crap and never got it.
He told me after we broke up that he doesn't need to drink or do drugs anymore because now that I am out of his life he is under less pressure and he doesn't need that stuff. That really hurt because I never put any pressure on him - he did nothing for me and I asked for nothing from him. The little I did ask I didn't get anyway - I wanted him to sleep in the bed with me rather than the couch - of course that was too much for him to do.
I guess another thing that has been bothering me lately is that his neighbor who I got to be friends with when I lived with him has been acting strangly to me lately. When I run into her she seems stand-offish like she doesn't want to be bothered with me and I'm not really sure why. I know that I am probably just paranoid because I have thought this about her in the past and then the next time I see her she is fine.
Everything just seems to be so out of control lately - my emotions are going crazy. Why is this happening now - 3 months later??? Can anyone help me here??? I have a counseling appointment tomorrow so hopefully that will help some.
Sorry this is so long.
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
I'm sorry you are hurting right now. I've been where you are and it is a very emotional time.
You mention a lot of what if's..... I have one you may have forgotten, What if he's selling his house because his addiction is preventing him from being able to pay for it? My point is, you will never really know why or what he's doing. Stop wasting your energy worrying or wondering about what he's doing. It's not worth your sanity....I've been there. If he really is changing you will know.
You ask why it's so easy for him to move on....I asked myself that same question, the conclusion I came to was...it seemed easy for my AH because he drowns all of his emotions in the bottle and that masks what he's really feeling.
You know what you felt when you broke it off with him.
I think your going through some lonely times right now. It's hard when you hear so much positive when you know in your heart there is so much negative. It's hard to remember the negative from your past when you are lonely.
I hope counseling will help you tomorrow. I know when I've felt like this, talking with my counselor always made me feel better.
(((((()))))
You mention a lot of what if's..... I have one you may have forgotten, What if he's selling his house because his addiction is preventing him from being able to pay for it? My point is, you will never really know why or what he's doing. Stop wasting your energy worrying or wondering about what he's doing. It's not worth your sanity....I've been there. If he really is changing you will know.
You ask why it's so easy for him to move on....I asked myself that same question, the conclusion I came to was...it seemed easy for my AH because he drowns all of his emotions in the bottle and that masks what he's really feeling.
You know what you felt when you broke it off with him.
I think your going through some lonely times right now. It's hard when you hear so much positive when you know in your heart there is so much negative. It's hard to remember the negative from your past when you are lonely.
I hope counseling will help you tomorrow. I know when I've felt like this, talking with my counselor always made me feel better.
(((((()))))
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
sorry you are going through this.
He is trying to blame you and make you feel like his addiction was your fault. And, you are somewhat believing this nonsense. Addicts say whatever they have to so they can live with themselves. If he admitted that his addiction was the main reason for the problems in the relationship, then he would have to address the drinking. Maybe he SAYS he isn't drinking/drugging. But, I think we all know the odds aren't in favor of him just quitting without help, especially since he seems to be in denial.
Benefits, you are allowing him to manipulate you. YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART the truth. You know that his addiction has nothing to do with you. If he has moved on and has/does find someone else, then she will be living with an addict until he gets help.
Sounds to me like you are doing much better than you think you are. We all have bad days, bad thoughts, codie thoughts, etc. And, believe me, I know from experience we want to forget the bad times, so we think about the good times, and then we think, well, maybe things have changed, maybe I can handle it better, maybe he did get well, maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe!
And, I totally agree with the above. He may "appear" and want you to think he is doing fine. Reality could be, either he is losing the house, or he is selling it so he can have alcohol/drug money.
I wonder if we make a list of the bad times, and when we feel vulnerable, get it out and read it so we won't forget. Then after time passes, we won't need those reminders in a year, or two years or however long it takes.
Again, sorry you are in pain right now. HOpe tomorrow is a better day!
He is trying to blame you and make you feel like his addiction was your fault. And, you are somewhat believing this nonsense. Addicts say whatever they have to so they can live with themselves. If he admitted that his addiction was the main reason for the problems in the relationship, then he would have to address the drinking. Maybe he SAYS he isn't drinking/drugging. But, I think we all know the odds aren't in favor of him just quitting without help, especially since he seems to be in denial.
Benefits, you are allowing him to manipulate you. YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART the truth. You know that his addiction has nothing to do with you. If he has moved on and has/does find someone else, then she will be living with an addict until he gets help.
Sounds to me like you are doing much better than you think you are. We all have bad days, bad thoughts, codie thoughts, etc. And, believe me, I know from experience we want to forget the bad times, so we think about the good times, and then we think, well, maybe things have changed, maybe I can handle it better, maybe he did get well, maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe!
And, I totally agree with the above. He may "appear" and want you to think he is doing fine. Reality could be, either he is losing the house, or he is selling it so he can have alcohol/drug money.
I wonder if we make a list of the bad times, and when we feel vulnerable, get it out and read it so we won't forget. Then after time passes, we won't need those reminders in a year, or two years or however long it takes.
Again, sorry you are in pain right now. HOpe tomorrow is a better day!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
Let's make a list:
2 bad marriages
a broken engagement
uses drugs
uses alcohol
talks badly about someone he once claimed to love
name caller
has to sell house
he blames YOU for HIS problems
excels at manipulating others
Now seriously, do you REALLY want all this back?
(((((((((benefits))))))))))
I hope you find peace soon.
2 bad marriages
a broken engagement
uses drugs
uses alcohol
talks badly about someone he once claimed to love
name caller
has to sell house
he blames YOU for HIS problems
excels at manipulating others
Now seriously, do you REALLY want all this back?
(((((((((benefits))))))))))
I hope you find peace soon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Lancaster
Posts: 120
Your right about the house - I'm 100% sure he is selling it because if he does not sell it he will lose it. I know when we were together he was having a hard time paying his bills. He told me he was not getting paid (he owns the business with 2 partners and claimed there was not enough money to pay him and the bills so he went without a paycheck - which could be believable because his partners and employees where stealing from the cash register) and that he would catch up when he can. Funny thing was he always found the money to go out to the bars or stop for a couple of 6 packs on the way home from work.
But when I think of all that stuff it just depresses me even more because when we lived together he didn't need to worry about money - I work and we could have lived quite comfortably on my income - even if he really was not getting paid. It sometimes makes me think I must be really awful if he is willing to lose his house and car and everything else rather than being with me. I know it is wrong to be with someone because of financial reasons but I really loved him too. If he could have just shown me a little respect and love I would have stayed with him and everythign would have been fine. But the drinking and drugs were more important than me.
My God - I am so pathetic!!!! I hope I am out of this funk soon!!!!
But when I think of all that stuff it just depresses me even more because when we lived together he didn't need to worry about money - I work and we could have lived quite comfortably on my income - even if he really was not getting paid. It sometimes makes me think I must be really awful if he is willing to lose his house and car and everything else rather than being with me. I know it is wrong to be with someone because of financial reasons but I really loved him too. If he could have just shown me a little respect and love I would have stayed with him and everythign would have been fine. But the drinking and drugs were more important than me.
My God - I am so pathetic!!!! I hope I am out of this funk soon!!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Originally Posted by benefits
But when I think of all that stuff it just depresses me even more because when we lived together he didn't need to worry about money - I work and we could have lived quite comfortably on my income - even if he really was not getting paid. It sometimes makes me think I must be really awful if he is willing to lose his house and car and everything else rather than being with me.
I did the same thing. I took care of my family. If my AH didn't have money, I still took care of everything....food, clothes, ibuprofren, deoderant, pop, and yes I even gave him a little spending money each week when he was laid off. CAN YOU SAY "ENABLER"!! I was the worst. He had a cushy bed, a roof over his head, clothes on his back, and food in his stomach because of me, and I got no appreciation for anything I did. I was just a stupid B.
My AH is learning, for the first time, in 14+ years what it means to take care of himself. and I'm learning not to feel sorry for him and his hard luck.
((((((()))))))
Hang in there.....you'll pull out of this funk soon.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: AK
Posts: 143
Do you honestly believe that if he had shown a little love and respect that everything would have been just fine!!!!! The problem was by all accounts that he was not putting you first in his life. This was not and never will be enough. I am sorry that this sounds harsh but please think about what you are saying. Could you stay with him for the next 50 yrs. while being the main source of income? Taken care of all his problems that he created with drugs and or alcohol? Continued to love a man who has used and manipulated you to get what he wants? Is there any truth to what he tells people about you? You know who you are and what you have done or not done. Did you cause his drinking and drug use? How could you? People make their own choices how to live their lives and that includes you. So standing back and looking at the situation from an outsiders view would you choose to keep feeding into the MANIPULATION or would you choose take your life back knowing who you are?
Zoe
Zoe
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Lancaster
Posts: 120
Zoe,
Thank you for being harsh - that's what I need right now. I need someone to kick my ass and get me out of this funk. I wish someone was here and could just shake some sense into me.
This whole thing has really just thrown me for a loop - I really thought I was doing so well until a couple of days ago. I'm just stuck in this rut right now questioning everything. I keep thinking maybe it wasn't that bad, maybe he just has a hard time showing he loves someone, maybe I should have been more accepting of him the way he was, maybe I am just like "all the others" who never accepted him, never loved him enough, tried to control him, etc. etc.
I think part of it is the strong physical attraction I had to him - I'm worried I will never find that with anyone else. When I was married I was never attracted to my husband. With my exABF I am still attracted to him. And even though everyone else tells me he's really not all that I can't see it and I just keep imagining all these women just throwing themselves at him. And here I am - alone. Maybe I am just lonely. I will say this for myself I am still standing strong on not calling him. So that is at least something. Right??
Thank you for being harsh - that's what I need right now. I need someone to kick my ass and get me out of this funk. I wish someone was here and could just shake some sense into me.
This whole thing has really just thrown me for a loop - I really thought I was doing so well until a couple of days ago. I'm just stuck in this rut right now questioning everything. I keep thinking maybe it wasn't that bad, maybe he just has a hard time showing he loves someone, maybe I should have been more accepting of him the way he was, maybe I am just like "all the others" who never accepted him, never loved him enough, tried to control him, etc. etc.
I think part of it is the strong physical attraction I had to him - I'm worried I will never find that with anyone else. When I was married I was never attracted to my husband. With my exABF I am still attracted to him. And even though everyone else tells me he's really not all that I can't see it and I just keep imagining all these women just throwing themselves at him. And here I am - alone. Maybe I am just lonely. I will say this for myself I am still standing strong on not calling him. So that is at least something. Right??
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
I will say this for myself I am still standing strong on not calling him. So that is at least something. Right??
Ask yourself this: If this were your sister's relationship or your best friends...and she told you about his drug use, his alcohol use, his manipulations, his disrespect ect but was struggling with feelings for him even after leaving him behind, WHAT would you tell her?
(((((((((benefits))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
benefits - do you have many outside activities that you are involved in, hobbies, etc? sounds like maybe if you keep yourself occupied with some activities you enjoy that maybe it will help you get thru the funk? just a thought. i hope you feel better soon!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: midlothian,va.
Posts: 12
I`ve been where you are Benefits . The truth will set you free but first it`s going to make you miserable !! I have to get intouch with the truth & then hang on to it to get to stay on top of my disease . The truth is active alcoholics & drug addicts don`t love themselves so they can`t possibly love anyone else . They don`t take lovers they take hostages !!!! I find myself asking the wrong questions [ my disease loves that ] , it wants me to stay confused so it can stay in control . Ask yourself this question , when did you stop loving you ...........if you loved yourself you would`nt take this crap off of that idiot or your disease . The good times you mentioned with this guy sounded fairly mediocre . Remember , the addicts are addicted to alcohol & drugs & we are addicted to them !! I`m a member of AA & Alanon , a person with an addictive personality. I`ve had to learn how to love myself & now I don`t NEED someone to make me feel loved , whole , complete and worthwhile. With the help of my HP & Alanon I`m becoming complete in myself . I`m not in a relationship right now but I WANT a woman to share my life with . There`s a huge difference between NEEDING someone & WANTING someone . When I was so needy I could`nt let go of someone was when I was addicted to them . Therapy & Alanon got me past all of that, please keep going . YOU`RE WORTH IT !! Love for All ; Mark .
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Lancaster
Posts: 120
I saw my counselor today and he made me see a lot of the things I saw before and sort of lost sight of so I feel a little better. The problem is he is going to be out of town for the next three weeks!!!! So I guess I will be on here a lot!!!
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
(((Benefits))) I"m so sorry that you are hurting right now.
Something I did that helped me a little bit was to make a list. I made a list of some of the hurtful things he said to me, the horrible things he'd done, the things that had hurt the children and myself, the messes that I had cleaned up, etc etc etc. I listed all the negative things.
Then I listed the positive.
Guess what! My list of negatives was a whole lot longer than my list of positives. And I held onto that list for awhile. Everytime I started missing him and even thinking about asking him to come home, I got out that list and gave myself a reality check and asked myself if that was what I truly wanted for my children and I.
It's true that when you are lonely, bored, unhappy, etc. it's easy to lose sight of the truth and how things were. It's also boredom that keeps us lonely.
Honey, you are taking steps to saving yourself and your sanity and for that, I am so happy for you. But I think it's now time you actually start living! You get this one life! Now please go out there and live it!
Maybe I had the wrong attitude but I know when AH first moved out, I wanted to prove (to myself and to AH) that I could have a great life without him! Maybe even a better life without him! I wanted to prove to him that I was worth better, that I could do better, and life was now about me! And about my happiness! I'd spent way too much of my life living around AH! Sometimes I had to fake it when I wanted to just crawl into bed and not come out (thank goodness I have some wonderful friends that were here to let me cry on them and encourage me to keep moving forward). But everyone that knows me tells me that I am happier now than I used to be, they can see a difference in me. And you know what - it's true! I am happier. I am calmer, I am more at peace, my life is much more simple and less complicated - I've gotten to know myself again and find the person that I somehow left behind all those years ago - and I am okay! I am a survivor! I've learned I'm a whole lot stronger than I ever thought I was.
I know it's hard. Believe me, I still have moments where I start to second-guess myself and all that stuff. I just have to pull that list (now it's a mental list and not on paper) to remind myself or take a look at the bills awaiting pickup from AH (all late and out of control), etc. The signs are there if I really choose to look at them.
Your AH may be the most gorgeous man on the planet. And maybe women will throw themselves at him. I used to be afraid that if I left Ah, he'd decide to become the man I always knew he could be and he'd give all that to some other woman and I couldn't bear the thought. I know how you feel. But with no recovery, imagine how he's really playing those women! They will become the next doormat for him to use and abuse. The manipulation blame game will begin again just with a new victim/player.
Sometimes it really sucks. But sometimes we've got to hurt before we can heal. And when we give ourselves the love, care, and time to heal - we then grow strong.
Please take care of you!
(Sorry to have made such a long post. I just really want you to know that I know how you feel and I feel for you. But really, only YOU can take control of YOUR life and LIVE it!)
Something I did that helped me a little bit was to make a list. I made a list of some of the hurtful things he said to me, the horrible things he'd done, the things that had hurt the children and myself, the messes that I had cleaned up, etc etc etc. I listed all the negative things.
Then I listed the positive.
Guess what! My list of negatives was a whole lot longer than my list of positives. And I held onto that list for awhile. Everytime I started missing him and even thinking about asking him to come home, I got out that list and gave myself a reality check and asked myself if that was what I truly wanted for my children and I.
It's true that when you are lonely, bored, unhappy, etc. it's easy to lose sight of the truth and how things were. It's also boredom that keeps us lonely.
Honey, you are taking steps to saving yourself and your sanity and for that, I am so happy for you. But I think it's now time you actually start living! You get this one life! Now please go out there and live it!
Maybe I had the wrong attitude but I know when AH first moved out, I wanted to prove (to myself and to AH) that I could have a great life without him! Maybe even a better life without him! I wanted to prove to him that I was worth better, that I could do better, and life was now about me! And about my happiness! I'd spent way too much of my life living around AH! Sometimes I had to fake it when I wanted to just crawl into bed and not come out (thank goodness I have some wonderful friends that were here to let me cry on them and encourage me to keep moving forward). But everyone that knows me tells me that I am happier now than I used to be, they can see a difference in me. And you know what - it's true! I am happier. I am calmer, I am more at peace, my life is much more simple and less complicated - I've gotten to know myself again and find the person that I somehow left behind all those years ago - and I am okay! I am a survivor! I've learned I'm a whole lot stronger than I ever thought I was.
I know it's hard. Believe me, I still have moments where I start to second-guess myself and all that stuff. I just have to pull that list (now it's a mental list and not on paper) to remind myself or take a look at the bills awaiting pickup from AH (all late and out of control), etc. The signs are there if I really choose to look at them.
Your AH may be the most gorgeous man on the planet. And maybe women will throw themselves at him. I used to be afraid that if I left Ah, he'd decide to become the man I always knew he could be and he'd give all that to some other woman and I couldn't bear the thought. I know how you feel. But with no recovery, imagine how he's really playing those women! They will become the next doormat for him to use and abuse. The manipulation blame game will begin again just with a new victim/player.
Sometimes it really sucks. But sometimes we've got to hurt before we can heal. And when we give ourselves the love, care, and time to heal - we then grow strong.
Please take care of you!
(Sorry to have made such a long post. I just really want you to know that I know how you feel and I feel for you. But really, only YOU can take control of YOUR life and LIVE it!)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: miami, florida
Posts: 5
Hey,
I know what you are feeling. Mine has not seen or talked to me in 6 weeks, and blames me for all his problems. I am too hyper, I yell at him after he uses. There is not end to how everbody else is the reason. I am sure when this man gets and stays clean, and starts dealing with his REAL feelings, YOU will come back into the picture. As linf as he is using, he will only use you. I am sure deep down inside they ALL love us!!!!!!!
I am here for you and understand your pain. Let it ALL come out and slowlely deal with it ALL, it is O.K.!!!!!!!!
I know what you are feeling. Mine has not seen or talked to me in 6 weeks, and blames me for all his problems. I am too hyper, I yell at him after he uses. There is not end to how everbody else is the reason. I am sure when this man gets and stays clean, and starts dealing with his REAL feelings, YOU will come back into the picture. As linf as he is using, he will only use you. I am sure deep down inside they ALL love us!!!!!!!
I am here for you and understand your pain. Let it ALL come out and slowlely deal with it ALL, it is O.K.!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
benefits
I have read and re-read your post because this is exactly how I've been feeling. Well, not exactly, but I can certainly understand.
I split up with my A fiance in December because I had simply run out of chances. I asked him to move out and luckily he did. I moved back to my home town last month and, after an initial period of elation, I have been down in the dumps with what seemed like a big black cloud in part of my mind (more of that later). Since December, my ex has been continually trying every trick in the book to get me back, from guilt to anger to declaring his undying love to trying to trigger all my old codie responses. As a result of my reactions to this, I am now on anti-depressents. The day before I moved out (whilst he was on holiday in Jamaica that he had begged me to go on), I found out that he had been on-line dating since January and had met two women that he was sleeping with. Two days ago, I found out that he took one of these women on the holiday.
I have been all over the place in my emotional reaction to all of this. Initially I was angry. But this was soon replaced with a feeling that I didn't know what was real anymore. Could I trust my judgement? I knew that I wasn't jealous - I didn't want him back and he has every right to be with whoever he wants as we are no longer together. I have been trying to know what has been going on in my head because then I can deal with it. Try as I might, I couldn't work it out. Until this morning....
I realised that I am really angry at him, but I don't know how to deal with my anger. I had let go of the anger and bitterness over what had happened during our relationship, but couldn't deal with what had come after - the mental torment that I had been through whilst he was happily getting his end away made me furious. Part of this was anger at myself for letting him get to me. I knew that if I let rip at him, which was an attractive option for me, I would only be feeding his psychological sickness. He wants a reaction, positive or negative.
Then I read about forgiveness in Dr. Phil's "Life Strategies" and I would like to share with you what opened my eyes.
"You cannot lock me in a bond with you, where you become part of my very being and part of what I think, feel, and do every day. I will not bond with you through hatred, anger or resentment. I will not bond with you though fear. I will not allow you to drag me into your dark world. By forgiving you, I am releasing me, not you. You must live with yourself every day. You must live with the darkness in your heart. But I DO NOT, and I will not."
Now, I still have a lot of work to do, but I know that particular block has been removed.
Hope this helps.
Love
Minnie
xxx
I have read and re-read your post because this is exactly how I've been feeling. Well, not exactly, but I can certainly understand.
I split up with my A fiance in December because I had simply run out of chances. I asked him to move out and luckily he did. I moved back to my home town last month and, after an initial period of elation, I have been down in the dumps with what seemed like a big black cloud in part of my mind (more of that later). Since December, my ex has been continually trying every trick in the book to get me back, from guilt to anger to declaring his undying love to trying to trigger all my old codie responses. As a result of my reactions to this, I am now on anti-depressents. The day before I moved out (whilst he was on holiday in Jamaica that he had begged me to go on), I found out that he had been on-line dating since January and had met two women that he was sleeping with. Two days ago, I found out that he took one of these women on the holiday.
I have been all over the place in my emotional reaction to all of this. Initially I was angry. But this was soon replaced with a feeling that I didn't know what was real anymore. Could I trust my judgement? I knew that I wasn't jealous - I didn't want him back and he has every right to be with whoever he wants as we are no longer together. I have been trying to know what has been going on in my head because then I can deal with it. Try as I might, I couldn't work it out. Until this morning....
I realised that I am really angry at him, but I don't know how to deal with my anger. I had let go of the anger and bitterness over what had happened during our relationship, but couldn't deal with what had come after - the mental torment that I had been through whilst he was happily getting his end away made me furious. Part of this was anger at myself for letting him get to me. I knew that if I let rip at him, which was an attractive option for me, I would only be feeding his psychological sickness. He wants a reaction, positive or negative.
Then I read about forgiveness in Dr. Phil's "Life Strategies" and I would like to share with you what opened my eyes.
"You cannot lock me in a bond with you, where you become part of my very being and part of what I think, feel, and do every day. I will not bond with you through hatred, anger or resentment. I will not bond with you though fear. I will not allow you to drag me into your dark world. By forgiving you, I am releasing me, not you. You must live with yourself every day. You must live with the darkness in your heart. But I DO NOT, and I will not."
Now, I still have a lot of work to do, but I know that particular block has been removed.
Hope this helps.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
Then I read about forgiveness in Dr. Phil's "Life Strategies" and I would like to share with you what opened my eyes.
"You cannot lock me in a bond with you, where you become part of my very being and part of what I think, feel, and do every day. I will not bond with you through hatred, anger or resentment. I will not bond with you though fear. I will not allow you to drag me into your dark world. By forgiving you, I am releasing me, not you. You must live with yourself every day. You must live with the darkness in your heart. But I DO NOT, and I will not."
"You cannot lock me in a bond with you, where you become part of my very being and part of what I think, feel, and do every day. I will not bond with you through hatred, anger or resentment. I will not bond with you though fear. I will not allow you to drag me into your dark world. By forgiving you, I am releasing me, not you. You must live with yourself every day. You must live with the darkness in your heart. But I DO NOT, and I will not."
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
benefits, hopefully the other 2 partners were taking their share of whatever money and using the $$, to help those they loved (hopefully it isn't in a bottle). So what he did..., your xab, any different, (he always found money to go drinking with, it came from the business, somewhere). Takes alot of $$ to drink.
Just my take, by the guy that left from my place (Thank You HP), choose to not contribute to help maintain things around here, but to go live at his store and sleep on the floor... that's how much pull the addiction has...
And I wouldn't think too much, about the what IF's (maybe he will find someone and he won't do this again) etc... Then So Be it IF it does, cause chances are, that the 2 of you would just get into the same pattern and it would go another how may yrs...
Just my take, by the guy that left from my place (Thank You HP), choose to not contribute to help maintain things around here, but to go live at his store and sleep on the floor... that's how much pull the addiction has...
And I wouldn't think too much, about the what IF's (maybe he will find someone and he won't do this again) etc... Then So Be it IF it does, cause chances are, that the 2 of you would just get into the same pattern and it would go another how may yrs...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Lancaster
Posts: 120
HI everyone,
I am feeling a little better today than the last few days. I think I just need to get myself out of "fantasy land". Because really I think that is where I have been the last few days - the recurrent thoughts of what if he stops drinking/drugs, what if he starts working regularly, what if he starts paying his bills, etc as if those things would make everything better when in reality none of those things are likely to change him. He would still not treat me with respect and he would still not be there for me. I really don't think he is going to stop the drinking and I doubt he will quit the drugs. Yeah he may take a few days off now and then but he will always go back to it because that is his true love. I think a big part of why I have a hard time with all of this is because he told me over and over about how he was with the last girlfriend - the one who broke his heart - and to hear him tell it he was a "family" man, didn't go out, was there for her, always doing things to please her, etc. etc. And I keep thinking if he could do it before with her why can't he do it now with me. Well there may be many reasons for that - one maybe he really did love her and he really does not love me (I know in my heart he really never loved me - I was simply a convenience) and since he loved her he did what he could to please her. Another may be that the reality is that he really wasn't there for her like he says he was. That is a hard one to determine because I was not in that relationship and I know there is some truth to what he says - for example I know for a fact he really wasn't going out to the bars with his friends when they were together. I have seen pictures of him, her and her kids doing various things together (ex. going to the beach) so I have proof that he did do more family type activites with them. However, what the pictures don't show is all the other stuff - was he really not drinking, was he really there for her, did he really do all the things for her that he says he did?? I don't know - but I do know she left - if it was so great why did she leave??? Of course she did talk to him about coming back about 5 months after she left (another long story). So who knows. I can only judge from what I do know. He had 2 failed marriages, 1 broken engagment, our failed relationship, he does not have much of a relationship with his kids, parents, brothers, sister, etc. Yes he does talk to them but not much and from our time together I know most of what he tells them is a lie. I also know this man I thought so highly of had an affair with a married woman years ago, which I think says a lot about his character - anyway the list goes on and on.
So while I mourn the loss of what could have been I am really mourning a dream. I am not mourning the reality of our relationship. And if at some point in time he changes and can be a better person I don't know that I could ever get past all of the stuff he did to me - so why am I mouring this at all.
Another thing that helped me somewhat today was that my mom talked to his aunt and she told my mom she wants me to stop over sometime or she will stop by my house if I don't want to go there. That made me feel good because I have not heard from her in a while and I was wondering if my ex was saying bad things and somehow made her dislike me. I feel better now because I don't think that happened.
Wow, this is long - sorry!!!!
I am feeling a little better today than the last few days. I think I just need to get myself out of "fantasy land". Because really I think that is where I have been the last few days - the recurrent thoughts of what if he stops drinking/drugs, what if he starts working regularly, what if he starts paying his bills, etc as if those things would make everything better when in reality none of those things are likely to change him. He would still not treat me with respect and he would still not be there for me. I really don't think he is going to stop the drinking and I doubt he will quit the drugs. Yeah he may take a few days off now and then but he will always go back to it because that is his true love. I think a big part of why I have a hard time with all of this is because he told me over and over about how he was with the last girlfriend - the one who broke his heart - and to hear him tell it he was a "family" man, didn't go out, was there for her, always doing things to please her, etc. etc. And I keep thinking if he could do it before with her why can't he do it now with me. Well there may be many reasons for that - one maybe he really did love her and he really does not love me (I know in my heart he really never loved me - I was simply a convenience) and since he loved her he did what he could to please her. Another may be that the reality is that he really wasn't there for her like he says he was. That is a hard one to determine because I was not in that relationship and I know there is some truth to what he says - for example I know for a fact he really wasn't going out to the bars with his friends when they were together. I have seen pictures of him, her and her kids doing various things together (ex. going to the beach) so I have proof that he did do more family type activites with them. However, what the pictures don't show is all the other stuff - was he really not drinking, was he really there for her, did he really do all the things for her that he says he did?? I don't know - but I do know she left - if it was so great why did she leave??? Of course she did talk to him about coming back about 5 months after she left (another long story). So who knows. I can only judge from what I do know. He had 2 failed marriages, 1 broken engagment, our failed relationship, he does not have much of a relationship with his kids, parents, brothers, sister, etc. Yes he does talk to them but not much and from our time together I know most of what he tells them is a lie. I also know this man I thought so highly of had an affair with a married woman years ago, which I think says a lot about his character - anyway the list goes on and on.
So while I mourn the loss of what could have been I am really mourning a dream. I am not mourning the reality of our relationship. And if at some point in time he changes and can be a better person I don't know that I could ever get past all of the stuff he did to me - so why am I mouring this at all.
Another thing that helped me somewhat today was that my mom talked to his aunt and she told my mom she wants me to stop over sometime or she will stop by my house if I don't want to go there. That made me feel good because I have not heard from her in a while and I was wondering if my ex was saying bad things and somehow made her dislike me. I feel better now because I don't think that happened.
Wow, this is long - sorry!!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Benefits, I think it's both hard to hold on and let go. Don't be so hard on yourself. We feel the way we feel and we have to muddle through it sometimes to get to the other side. And when we arrive our destination, we're all the stronger for the struggles that we made it through.
((((benefits)))) I'm glad to hear that you seem to be feeling better.
((((benefits)))) I'm glad to hear that you seem to be feeling better.
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