The Other Side

Hi, I posted on the Nar-Anon board, but got advice from someone to post here. I am new to the "thread" and "chat" thing. I guess I am only here seeing if I can learn somethings regarding addiction. I am not an addict my husband is.. he is in jail right now (which sadly is a good place for him to be) but.. it doesn't make it "better".

lulu70

Hello and welcome to SR! My name is Laura, and I am an alkie/addict. Glad you are here. Others will be along soon!

Hugs--

paigem2000

Welcome to SR!
Glad you found this place.
You will find a lot of support, kindness, and understanding!

Paige

CAPTAINZING2000

sometimes, some posts get overlooked down at the bottom of the site. There's a saying about acceptence in AA. You're doing a good job of accepting where your husband is. Sad to say, that people addicted to drugs and alcohol get jail instead of rehabilitaion.

My sponser is a counsellor at a correctional facility and the repeat for drug and alcohol offences is really high. My heart goes out to you. I'll be keeping you in my prayers that this might be a learning expereince for your husband.


PS

welcome to the site again

chris

Chy

Welcome TOS!
We'll be glad to answer any questions you may have. The Naranon board is for those with family members in need of support specifically but your welcome to post anywhere you like.

wantneeda

Welcome!!!!!!!!!

CarolD

So...while your husband is in jail...are you working on a plan for yourself in dealing with his release?

What can we help you with? Please ask questions.

Again...Welcome to SR.

The Other Side

I'm not sure how to work on a "plan" I have been seeing a phycholgist once a week to discuss how this has effected me... besides that what can I do? I have asked about programs (Nar-Anon) All he (SC~my husband) keeps telling me is that he has "only done this to himself" I don't think he realizes that it effected everyone that cared for him. I sway from "I can't be there.. I can't do this anymore" to "but I love him, we can make it work"... I guess I'm all over the place in regards to supporting him. I am worried that he will do it again and again and I will hear "told ya so" from everyone that thinks I should give up on him. He doesn't have anyone really.. besides me (his family gave up~they say I should too.. tough love is the only way for him to hit "rock bottom) but if everyone gives up on him.. he will only be alone which leads to "whats the point I might as well use and die"... I guess I want to believe that its "over" he will get out and we will live in our little house and have children, be happy.. but I have doubt... as for "questions" the one BIG one I have I know no one can answer "WHY".. if he loved me... "WHY"

CarolD

you are moving forward!!

I am an alcoholic in recovery...2 of my adult children are also addict/alcoholics. After trying to 'save them' for many years...I too went to tough love. It took me 16 years to decide to stop 'helping'.


Are they still using? Yes. Am I living a pleasant productive life without them? Yes.


Love does not win over addiction...that is my experience.

The Other Side

I am sure that I will live a pleasant productive life without him.. but that is where the problem lies.. that is what I read in alot these stories "give up.. it never changes... they will always use again and they will always lie" so is it not normal for me to hold onto "hope" is it not healthy for me to "hold on" to him. I know that he loves me.. or at least he did before he started to use again.. that is another thing I find hurtful alot of what I read says "addicts don't love you"... So yes, I am trying to "learn" but I am sort of not "listening" when someone says "give up"... maybe that is natural for someone in love with an addict to refuse to "give up" maybe I'm the one that has to "hit rock bottom?". This is new to me ~ I only found out he was using on December 25th (Merry Christmas) This is a very tough situation.. but I know i'm not alone ~ alot of people have been where I am ~ are my friends, family.. his friends, family right? Is whats best for me to walk out on him and abandon my husband ~ our vows (through better and worse)

CarolD

not you..I can only tell you what I have experienced and my observations from dealing with addictions.

There is always hope..my best to you both.

pedagogue

I think what she means is that currently you are working on yourself, without your husband's influence. Once he comes out, he will be back around....and you will need to figure out how you are going to address your relationship. Are you going to change? How are you going to change? How will his presence effect you? How will your presence effect him? etc.

-pedagogue

The Other Side

Oh I see... well for working on myself I am in councelling (without my husbands influence) however, he does have a huge influence on me ~ his addiction has determined if I will or won't have a good day ~ If he will or won't use today (it absorbs a huge part of my mind) ~ If he will call.. or I will "get the call"... When he went to jail it was actually a bit of a "relief" but when he comes out and comes home .. that is another story ~ I have ideas (that I have discussed with him) about him getting his own place and us "seeing eachother" sometimes and moving back in together a later date ~ he said that he "can't live alone" He wants me to sell the house and move with my son to a "new" place in a "new" city (which scares me) I guess I really need to work some more work on myself.. I would really like to go to some sort of Nar-Anon meetings (although it scares me and I dont know what to expect) It might be best for me... as I have never thought about "what I am changing.. only what HE is changing"

BubbaBob

"Why" is the question everyone wants answered...

If he/she loved me, why?
If he/she wants to keep their kids around, why?
If he/she wants to keep his/her job, why?
If he/she wants to live, why?

You can root around in our brains forever, looking for some psycological reason that is comforting, reasonable, understandable and you won't find out "why".

We do it because we are alcoholics/addicts. Period. That simple...and that unsatisfying.

Should you stay or should you go? No one here can answer that. His family...your family cannot answer that. Only YOU can, and in that choosing, you are confronted with another choice. You can educate yourself, as you are, with counciling, and you can also get helpful education thru groups like AlAnon and NarAnon. That is the healthy way to make a choice.

Or you can simply let emotions rule and make, perhaps, the most important decision of your life, emotionally by leaving when you are "just fed up" or by staying due to caretaking, codependence, etc.

The choice of how to decide is yours, as is what the final choice is.

BubbaBob

3legacy

((((((((TheOtherSide)))))))))
Welcome to SR. A wrench for every nut I've found.
Glad you are here. Sounds like your doing quite a bit to help yourself.

Keeping you and the AH in prayers. Hope to see you in the chatroom and continue to read some of your posts here.

Kiss Heart of Spirit
3 Legacy

abtchonamission

Please know that as Chy already said, you are welcome to post anywhere you would like to post here, but the Nar-anon forum is really filled with those of us who have gone through similar things to you. You are always welcome there with us, and I know from my own experience - you'll get tons of support and understanding there.

I hope you didn't feel as though you couldn't post there. You love someone who is an addict - that makes you a perfect fit!

Welcoming hugs,
Trisha