A Painful Reminder!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
A Painful Reminder!
I just recently posted a thread titled, "How Long Does It Take?"
I thought I was missing my alcoholic.
This morning I was reminded of a journal that I kept while I was with my alcoholic. I read it. It was painful, but I read it. I would've cried for anyone who had gone through what was in that journal.
That person did not love me. I was his slave so that he could spend more time drinking. I was someone for him to have control over. I was the can that he kicked around when he was feeling down. I cooked, cleaned, paid bills, and took care of his dogs, BUT it was never good enough. Nothing was ever good enough. According to him, I was a "lazy, fat, worthless, stupid, psychotic, lousy lover, lousy housekeeper, and last but certainly not least....bitch!" That was his favorite------You are nothing but a BITCH! That one always amazed me the most, since I never said anything about what he did or where he went. I felt my pain and disappointment in silence.
Now, WHAT could I miss about that??? Ahcb cleared it up for me in my last post, "We honestly miss what the "ex" represented. A relationship." I could have a relationship with a rattlesnake and it would probably treat me better.
This man that I spent so many years of my life with is a very, very handsome man. Anyone would agree with that. But, like the tinman from the Wizard of Oz, All that shiny armor on the outside doesn't make up for what is missing on the inside.
If there is one thing that I would recommend to someone who is STILL in an abusive relationship, KEEP A JOURNAL. First of all.... got to Al-Anon, but if you want to stay with an abusive man, keep a journal.
Then, when you start to think that you're missing him, you can be reminded!
I can't believe the abuse that I put up with for so many years. No wonder I ended up being diagnosed with MS and cancer. So much stress!!! So much heartache!!!
I thank GOD every day for getting me out of that abusive relationship.
Now TODAY is going to be a good day, and I will always remember that I NEVER have to put up with that kind of treatment ever again!
Thanks for letting me share!
Grace
I thought I was missing my alcoholic.
This morning I was reminded of a journal that I kept while I was with my alcoholic. I read it. It was painful, but I read it. I would've cried for anyone who had gone through what was in that journal.
That person did not love me. I was his slave so that he could spend more time drinking. I was someone for him to have control over. I was the can that he kicked around when he was feeling down. I cooked, cleaned, paid bills, and took care of his dogs, BUT it was never good enough. Nothing was ever good enough. According to him, I was a "lazy, fat, worthless, stupid, psychotic, lousy lover, lousy housekeeper, and last but certainly not least....bitch!" That was his favorite------You are nothing but a BITCH! That one always amazed me the most, since I never said anything about what he did or where he went. I felt my pain and disappointment in silence.
Now, WHAT could I miss about that??? Ahcb cleared it up for me in my last post, "We honestly miss what the "ex" represented. A relationship." I could have a relationship with a rattlesnake and it would probably treat me better.
This man that I spent so many years of my life with is a very, very handsome man. Anyone would agree with that. But, like the tinman from the Wizard of Oz, All that shiny armor on the outside doesn't make up for what is missing on the inside.
If there is one thing that I would recommend to someone who is STILL in an abusive relationship, KEEP A JOURNAL. First of all.... got to Al-Anon, but if you want to stay with an abusive man, keep a journal.
Then, when you start to think that you're missing him, you can be reminded!
I can't believe the abuse that I put up with for so many years. No wonder I ended up being diagnosed with MS and cancer. So much stress!!! So much heartache!!!
I thank GOD every day for getting me out of that abusive relationship.
Now TODAY is going to be a good day, and I will always remember that I NEVER have to put up with that kind of treatment ever again!
Thanks for letting me share!
Grace
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
(((Grace)))
I think that is totally sound advice and something I have mentioned on here before. And did I do it? Do I do it now? Of course not!
However, once I finish a piece of work I need to do, I am going to write until my pen runs out about the reality of the relationship with my ex. Perhaps then I can truly let go and move on.
Thank you so much for the reminder.
Love
Minnie
xxx
I think that is totally sound advice and something I have mentioned on here before. And did I do it? Do I do it now? Of course not!
However, once I finish a piece of work I need to do, I am going to write until my pen runs out about the reality of the relationship with my ex. Perhaps then I can truly let go and move on.
Thank you so much for the reminder.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 67
That's great advice and something I was always suggesting my ex-ABF do! I have one too - on my PC, and it's about him only - I have another, hand written journal for the whole of my life....
it's 17 pages of single spaced text, starting from 2/04 - 14 months worth. Rereading it, always a single thing hits me over the head in retrospect - the patterns. Same old after same old after same old - his actions and how I react - always the same. It's a real eye opener for someone who tells themselves "This Time it'll be different" a lot....
it's 17 pages of single spaced text, starting from 2/04 - 14 months worth. Rereading it, always a single thing hits me over the head in retrospect - the patterns. Same old after same old after same old - his actions and how I react - always the same. It's a real eye opener for someone who tells themselves "This Time it'll be different" a lot....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Thanks Grace..I just read my journal last week from when I met my ex to present..What an eye opener..the good news is that I can see my growth..
I always start journalling when I start a new relationship..Now if I would just pay attention to what I write!
I always start journalling when I start a new relationship..Now if I would just pay attention to what I write!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
My health is good. This new job has me pretty tired, but I guess I'm not up to full-speed yet. The feeling is gradually starting to come back in my arm. They removed 15 lymph nodes, and I developed lymphedema as a result. I have lost 35 pounds since I was diagnosed with cancer in November. I am due to have another cancer screening this month. That has me a little nervous, but I'm praying about it.
To anyone who is reading this, especially you, Ngaire.
If I am well aware of the emotional abuse that I went through with my ex, then WHY did I feel bad today when my mother told me that he has a new girlfriend already.
As some of you already know, my sister is one of his favorite drinking buddies. She is actually closer to him than she is to me. Of course, I know that the alcohol is the glue there. She told me mom that he has a new interest, and then my mom passed the information on to me. I'm sure that my sister wanted her to do just that.
I know that he will treat her no better than he did me, BUT it still hurt me when I heard that he moved on soo quickly. It has only been 3 months, but I'm actually surprised that he waited this long. I don't want this to bother me, but it does.
Any advice or wake-up calls would be greatly appreciated.
Oh, and Ngaire, it is always nice to hear from you. You have seen me through many of my roughest moments.
Do you think it will take at least a year to get completely over my feelings for him?
To anyone who is reading this, especially you, Ngaire.
If I am well aware of the emotional abuse that I went through with my ex, then WHY did I feel bad today when my mother told me that he has a new girlfriend already.
As some of you already know, my sister is one of his favorite drinking buddies. She is actually closer to him than she is to me. Of course, I know that the alcohol is the glue there. She told me mom that he has a new interest, and then my mom passed the information on to me. I'm sure that my sister wanted her to do just that.
I know that he will treat her no better than he did me, BUT it still hurt me when I heard that he moved on soo quickly. It has only been 3 months, but I'm actually surprised that he waited this long. I don't want this to bother me, but it does.
Any advice or wake-up calls would be greatly appreciated.
Oh, and Ngaire, it is always nice to hear from you. You have seen me through many of my roughest moments.
Do you think it will take at least a year to get completely over my feelings for him?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Originally Posted by Grace
If I am well aware of the emotional abuse that I went through with my ex, then WHY did I feel bad today when my mother told me that he has a new girlfriend already.
I know that he will treat her no better than he did me, BUT it still hurt me when I heard that he moved on soo quickly. It has only been 3 months, but I'm actually surprised that he waited this long. I don't want this to bother me, but it does.
Do you think it will take at least a year to get completely over my feelings for him?
Don't feel bad about feeling..We LOVE them..that's ok.. after having a meltdown and crying..I went to a meeting..talked to a few old timers and put it into perspective..It is all part of the disease..my ex needs someone to fill up that space in addition to the drinking..
all I can say Grace is that at 6 months after the break up, I am almost over him..I've gotten the closure I need by seeing him (he gained 20 lbs) and hearing about his "perfect" relationship where they never argue..
Sure it hurt but it made me realize how much better off I am..Yup I still love him but I'm not hurting anymore..Not ready to date yet but I'm at peace..
Hang in there..It does get better!
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
It's really rough Grace. My ex was more than like ly scouting around even before we broke up. And it does hurt, that's natural. All he's doing is just reeling another one in to fill his hole. It has nothing to do with you in any way shape or form. It's not sane thinking, it's addiction thinking. And it won't go any better with her, he's a sick puppy.
Of course it will hurt, you had feelings for him onCe, and yes a year is a good chunk of time to devote to yourself and work through emotional scars left by all that abuse. We don't realize until we are out of it how scarred we've become by it. The abuse takes everything from you.
Keep on your path and take care of your health. YOU ARE WORTH IT GRACE!
And you are right your sister did want that passed on to you.
Ngaire
Of course it will hurt, you had feelings for him onCe, and yes a year is a good chunk of time to devote to yourself and work through emotional scars left by all that abuse. We don't realize until we are out of it how scarred we've become by it. The abuse takes everything from you.
Keep on your path and take care of your health. YOU ARE WORTH IT GRACE!
And you are right your sister did want that passed on to you.
Ngaire
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Grace, glad to hear you are doing well. So glad you were able to find this new place to live. Hope that is still working out well for you. So glad your health is better! I can't remember when you have your next check-up, but please keep us posted.
Sounds like reading your journals will help tremendously... that is a great suggestion for the rest of us. Maybe it will help you really FEEL THE PAIN of what happened during your relationship, because you probably couldn't really deal with it as it was happening, so now you have a chance to FEEL the pain, cry about it, experience it and then healing will begin!
Take care, and keep us posted on your doctors visits.
Sounds like reading your journals will help tremendously... that is a great suggestion for the rest of us. Maybe it will help you really FEEL THE PAIN of what happened during your relationship, because you probably couldn't really deal with it as it was happening, so now you have a chance to FEEL the pain, cry about it, experience it and then healing will begin!
Take care, and keep us posted on your doctors visits.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Grace...when my first husband walked out...well actually he never walked back in. He went to work and never came home....anyway, he moved in with a friend of mine. I didn't care at all. Now in hindsite that seems awfully odd to me.
I suppose it had gone on so long that there was simply nothing left. My only thought at the time was...good, someone else can deal with him.
Hugs,
JT
I suppose it had gone on so long that there was simply nothing left. My only thought at the time was...good, someone else can deal with him.
Hugs,
JT
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