Alone and scared
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Newcastle, England
Posts: 19
Alone and scared I feel so alone. I don’t know where to start.
I married my husband on June 4<SUP>th</SUP> 2004 and everything is so wrong.
I knew he was an alcoholic when I married him, but I didn’t know the severity of his problem at the time.
We are now separated. I live with my mother. I’ve been seeing him off and on, going to visit, staying for a few nights, etc.
He has always treated me really badly. No respect at all. For some reason unknown he will not tell his parents about our marriage (they live in Scotland. We are in England).
Furthermore, I strongly suspect my husband is seeing different women.
I am so sad. I am so lonely.
When I married him I placed myself in his care. I gave myself to him. Or so I thought.
I was willing to accept him. Nurture him. Care for him unconditionally. All I expected was the same in return.
And now I’m left. With this hole inside of me. This gaping hole. A feeling of emptiness. That will not go.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so alone and helpless.
I wish we could work it through. But I feel so unloved. So uncared for. I feel like I am being taken advantage of. He doesn't love me.
I married my husband on June 4<SUP>th</SUP> 2004 and everything is so wrong.
I knew he was an alcoholic when I married him, but I didn’t know the severity of his problem at the time.
We are now separated. I live with my mother. I’ve been seeing him off and on, going to visit, staying for a few nights, etc.
He has always treated me really badly. No respect at all. For some reason unknown he will not tell his parents about our marriage (they live in Scotland. We are in England).
Furthermore, I strongly suspect my husband is seeing different women.
I am so sad. I am so lonely.
When I married him I placed myself in his care. I gave myself to him. Or so I thought.
I was willing to accept him. Nurture him. Care for him unconditionally. All I expected was the same in return.
And now I’m left. With this hole inside of me. This gaping hole. A feeling of emptiness. That will not go.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so alone and helpless.
I wish we could work it through. But I feel so unloved. So uncared for. I feel like I am being taken advantage of. He doesn't love me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
you are most definately not alone.
in fact today you have decided to reach out to one of the most supportive groups of people that you have never met.
you are now part of a family that extends world wide. part of a support group that knows what you are going thru and willing to share their strength, support and hope for a beautiful future.
you are definately not alone. and hugs are free here.
"hugs"
quietsins
in fact today you have decided to reach out to one of the most supportive groups of people that you have never met.
you are now part of a family that extends world wide. part of a support group that knows what you are going thru and willing to share their strength, support and hope for a beautiful future.
you are definately not alone. and hugs are free here.
"hugs"
quietsins
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Welcome, Peach.
You asked: "Can an alcoholic marriage ever work when the alcoholic is so secrative. So distant?"
In my experience, no. But we each need to answer this question for ourselves. The best way for you to find the answer to this question is to learn as much as possible about addiction, and alcoholism in particular. That way, you'll know exactly what you'll be dealing with if you choose to continue your current relationship.
You also say: "I need emotional intimacy." Of course, you do. We all do. The problem with living with an addict is that their number one priority is feeding their addiction. They can think of nothing else. It completely takes over their lives, their thought processes, their emotions. It leaves little room for them to focus on anything else, especially emotional intimacy. Addicts generally suffer from low self-esteem. Most of them don't love themselves for whatever reason. That makes it very difficult for them to love others, at least not in the way you wish to be loved. If you choose to have a relationship with an addict you must come to terms with the fact that while he is actively involved in his addiction, that alcohol will be his first love.
So what can you do? You can learn how to stop obsessing about the alcoholic in your life and focus more on yourself. You can learn how to stop trying to mold him into the person you'd like him to be. You can learn to stop trying to convince him to stop drinking. You can learn that you didn't cause his addiction, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You can learn that the best way to live with an addict is to learn how to take care of yourself.
So where should you start? Well, SoberRecovery is a good place. Read the power posts at the top of the forum, visit the AA forum so you can learn how difficult alcoholism is to overcome and how much an addict struggles. Get yourself copies of Melody Beatty's books, "Codependent No More," and "The Language of Letting Go," and join an Alanon group in your area.
Once you learn what the disease entails and how to best cope with living with addict you can make an informed decision. Then and only then will you be able to decide if you should stay the course or move on. In my case, I chose to move on. But I'm not you. Only you know what's best for you.
In the meantime, keep coming back. Keep posting your feelings, frustrations, hopes, and dreams. Keep focusing on what you need to do to find a happy place. We're here for you 24/7.
Welcome to SoberRecovery.
You asked: "Can an alcoholic marriage ever work when the alcoholic is so secrative. So distant?"
In my experience, no. But we each need to answer this question for ourselves. The best way for you to find the answer to this question is to learn as much as possible about addiction, and alcoholism in particular. That way, you'll know exactly what you'll be dealing with if you choose to continue your current relationship.
You also say: "I need emotional intimacy." Of course, you do. We all do. The problem with living with an addict is that their number one priority is feeding their addiction. They can think of nothing else. It completely takes over their lives, their thought processes, their emotions. It leaves little room for them to focus on anything else, especially emotional intimacy. Addicts generally suffer from low self-esteem. Most of them don't love themselves for whatever reason. That makes it very difficult for them to love others, at least not in the way you wish to be loved. If you choose to have a relationship with an addict you must come to terms with the fact that while he is actively involved in his addiction, that alcohol will be his first love.
So what can you do? You can learn how to stop obsessing about the alcoholic in your life and focus more on yourself. You can learn how to stop trying to mold him into the person you'd like him to be. You can learn to stop trying to convince him to stop drinking. You can learn that you didn't cause his addiction, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You can learn that the best way to live with an addict is to learn how to take care of yourself.
So where should you start? Well, SoberRecovery is a good place. Read the power posts at the top of the forum, visit the AA forum so you can learn how difficult alcoholism is to overcome and how much an addict struggles. Get yourself copies of Melody Beatty's books, "Codependent No More," and "The Language of Letting Go," and join an Alanon group in your area.
Once you learn what the disease entails and how to best cope with living with addict you can make an informed decision. Then and only then will you be able to decide if you should stay the course or move on. In my case, I chose to move on. But I'm not you. Only you know what's best for you.
In the meantime, keep coming back. Keep posting your feelings, frustrations, hopes, and dreams. Keep focusing on what you need to do to find a happy place. We're here for you 24/7.
Welcome to SoberRecovery.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
I can't answer your question as I have been married for 15 years, and the drinking and intimacy has just gotten worse over the years. But that doesn't mean it can't happen. But, you need to know there is absolutely nothing you can do about his addiction except to not enable him.
The good thing in all this is that you realized this problem early on, so you can seek a solution early on instead of living in the insanity of alcoholism for years like so many of us have done.
I hope you can read as much as you can about codependency and all that it entails. Codependency is difficult to describe, but in a nutshell, it is when you are so involved in what the other person is doing, that you forget about yourself. You become dependent on that person for your happiness! Your life becomes so wrapped up with your addicts life, that you end up with no life at all, and depression and anger set in. There is so much more to it - I am barely touching the surface.
Part of enabling is when you try to "fix" his problem, by taking care of some of the messes his drinking has caused - this causes them to not suffer any consequences. This is a biggy, because if they don't suffer any consequences of their drinking, then it becomes easier for them to continue to drink.
The secretiveness and distance are common with addicts and their spouses. Deep down, most of them know they are destroying their lives and hurting their loved ones, but they think they can't stop, so they lie. The lying then causes the distance as they can't be trusted, so the spouse becomes distant too.
Lies = lack of trust = distance = lack of intimacy
Some people learn to live with their addict. And some don't. There is no right or wrong as each of us are in different situations. But these books will help you determine which route to take.
You said "I was willing to accept him. Nurture him. Care for him unconditionally. All I expected was the same in return." One thing you need to know early on about living with an addict is you can't have any expectations. It is sad, but true. Someone said to me when I first started coming here, "expectations are resentments waiting to happen". It can be as simple as expecting them home on time for dinner, or expecting them to do something special for your birthday, or expecting them to be responsible about paying the bills on time - If they continue in their addiction, and we choose to live with them, we HAVE to learn to not have expectations. Another sad but true item to consider.
I would caution you, if he has been abusive, abuse is progressive unless they get treatment. It gets worse. This can be vicious cycle.
Abuse = Guilt = Repentance = honeymoon phase and then it happens over and over and over again. It could be a year before the next episode, or a month, or a day. It could also = significant harm to you. So, please think long and hard about this.
SO glad to hear you are seeking help early on in your marriage. The last statistic I saw, was it takes 7 years of addiction before the family seeks help. So, you are one smart cookie!
I hope you are feeling a little less lonely today. I believe in my heart, it will get better as time passes. Take care and peace to you!
The good thing in all this is that you realized this problem early on, so you can seek a solution early on instead of living in the insanity of alcoholism for years like so many of us have done.
I hope you can read as much as you can about codependency and all that it entails. Codependency is difficult to describe, but in a nutshell, it is when you are so involved in what the other person is doing, that you forget about yourself. You become dependent on that person for your happiness! Your life becomes so wrapped up with your addicts life, that you end up with no life at all, and depression and anger set in. There is so much more to it - I am barely touching the surface.
Part of enabling is when you try to "fix" his problem, by taking care of some of the messes his drinking has caused - this causes them to not suffer any consequences. This is a biggy, because if they don't suffer any consequences of their drinking, then it becomes easier for them to continue to drink.
The secretiveness and distance are common with addicts and their spouses. Deep down, most of them know they are destroying their lives and hurting their loved ones, but they think they can't stop, so they lie. The lying then causes the distance as they can't be trusted, so the spouse becomes distant too.
Lies = lack of trust = distance = lack of intimacy
Some people learn to live with their addict. And some don't. There is no right or wrong as each of us are in different situations. But these books will help you determine which route to take.
You said "I was willing to accept him. Nurture him. Care for him unconditionally. All I expected was the same in return." One thing you need to know early on about living with an addict is you can't have any expectations. It is sad, but true. Someone said to me when I first started coming here, "expectations are resentments waiting to happen". It can be as simple as expecting them home on time for dinner, or expecting them to do something special for your birthday, or expecting them to be responsible about paying the bills on time - If they continue in their addiction, and we choose to live with them, we HAVE to learn to not have expectations. Another sad but true item to consider.
I would caution you, if he has been abusive, abuse is progressive unless they get treatment. It gets worse. This can be vicious cycle.
Abuse = Guilt = Repentance = honeymoon phase and then it happens over and over and over again. It could be a year before the next episode, or a month, or a day. It could also = significant harm to you. So, please think long and hard about this.
SO glad to hear you are seeking help early on in your marriage. The last statistic I saw, was it takes 7 years of addiction before the family seeks help. So, you are one smart cookie!
I hope you are feeling a little less lonely today. I believe in my heart, it will get better as time passes. Take care and peace to you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Newcastle, England
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
Welcome, Peach.
If you choose to have a relationship with an addict you must come to terms with the fact that while he is actively involved in his addiction, that alcohol will be his first love.
If you choose to have a relationship with an addict you must come to terms with the fact that while he is actively involved in his addiction, that alcohol will be his first love.
I hate the drama. The extreme ups and downs are too much to take.
But breaking away is so hard because I deeply love him. And THAT is the problem here. After all the misery and pain I STILL love him. THAT is the problem. Why on earth would a woman love someone who has very little respect for her? When there are so many fish in the sea, why choose the shark?
I have no doubt that the longer we spend without contact, the easier it will become. However right now I'm hurting. The pain is intense. I can't eat. I can't sleep at night (I'm too scared to sleep at night). I can't socially function. I feel disorientated and deeply depressed.
I WANTED a normal relationship with Derek. That's all I ever wanted. No games. No hurt. No secrecy. No drama.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Newcastle, England
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by wraybear
One thing you need to know early on about living with an addict is you can't have any expectations.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Hi there, English Peach. I am not so far away from you - I have just moved back to Harrogate in North Yorkshire.
I am sorry to hear your story. It is a crappy situation to be in, I know.
You ask why a woman would love some-one who had so little respect for her? That's what we're here for - to work that one out. You DO deserve to be treated with dignity, however you can't demand that everyone does. If people don't treat you how you want, then you learn how to have boundaries with them. Derek is who he is - he isn't going to change unless he wants to.
(((hugs)))
Minnie
xxxx
I am sorry to hear your story. It is a crappy situation to be in, I know.
You ask why a woman would love some-one who had so little respect for her? That's what we're here for - to work that one out. You DO deserve to be treated with dignity, however you can't demand that everyone does. If people don't treat you how you want, then you learn how to have boundaries with them. Derek is who he is - he isn't going to change unless he wants to.
(((hugs)))
Minnie
xxxx
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Oh, hon, please don't think like that. I've been there and it will destroy you. If the love of a good woman (or man) could stop people drinking or drugging, then there would be no addiction problems.
Read this quote and memorise it
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________ It is not about you - it's all about him. You can't change him. I don't know if anyone has mentioned the 3 Cs - you can't Control his drinking, you can't Cure him of his drinking, and you certainly didn't Cause him to drink.
Love
Minnie
xxxx
Read this quote and memorise it
Originally Posted by Ann
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Love
Minnie
xxxx
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Dear English,
Welcome to SR...
I know this time is hard for you and you've got lots of questions. After reading the above responses to your posts, I keep thinking....the 3c's. You didn't cause it, which you already know...you can't control it, which you're finding out and you can't cure it, which you will discover with time.
The disease can only be controlled by the alcoholic. No one else. Don't take offense that you can't help him. Your intentions were good. Probably too good. We're all martyrs in one way or the other. And feel the need to save the world.
Time to take care of yourself. Find some alanon meetings. Find literature and read what you can get your hands on. Time to get an education about the disease so you'll know what it's all about. We can talk ourselves blue in the face sharing with you, but reading the publications would help too.
We'll take you by the hand and be here for you. Never think you're alone because you're not. We love you and are always here to support you. I'm glad you have a place to go to instead of having to stay in that environment.
Hugs
Welcome to SR...
I know this time is hard for you and you've got lots of questions. After reading the above responses to your posts, I keep thinking....the 3c's. You didn't cause it, which you already know...you can't control it, which you're finding out and you can't cure it, which you will discover with time.
The disease can only be controlled by the alcoholic. No one else. Don't take offense that you can't help him. Your intentions were good. Probably too good. We're all martyrs in one way or the other. And feel the need to save the world.
Time to take care of yourself. Find some alanon meetings. Find literature and read what you can get your hands on. Time to get an education about the disease so you'll know what it's all about. We can talk ourselves blue in the face sharing with you, but reading the publications would help too.
We'll take you by the hand and be here for you. Never think you're alone because you're not. We love you and are always here to support you. I'm glad you have a place to go to instead of having to stay in that environment.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
welcome english peach - the people above who responded to you know their stuff. we have all landed at this website for a reason - to start a journey of recovery. you are not here by accident. we support each other
hugs - chris
hugs - chris
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
I have learned though working the Al-Anon program that I used to take EVERY thing personally. If they loved me they would....If they loved me they wouldn't...If I was good enough...If I was loveable... the list goes on an on.
You ARE a WHOLE person in and of yourself. Yes having a loving relationship is the icing on the cake however given enough straight icing does not bring me any closer to happiness, peace or serenity. That is an inside job. It is up to me to grow into the person I was created to be.
Follow the suggestions given above and hopefully you will learn to keep the focus on changing the things you can and accepting the things you can't.
You are never alone unless you chose to be.
Love and prayers from one who cares.
You ARE a WHOLE person in and of yourself. Yes having a loving relationship is the icing on the cake however given enough straight icing does not bring me any closer to happiness, peace or serenity. That is an inside job. It is up to me to grow into the person I was created to be.
Follow the suggestions given above and hopefully you will learn to keep the focus on changing the things you can and accepting the things you can't.
You are never alone unless you chose to be.
Love and prayers from one who cares.
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