constant

We had a minor blow out this weekend. I was really surprised by it though. My A and I were planning a "ride" with one of my relatives and his parents were going to keep the children. (also both A's) We were going to their house Sat. for a cookout and then they would watch the kids on Sun. for us to ride. He suggested that they spend the night. I responded with "they can't because you know that since the game is coming on this evening your parents will be drunk." Well as you can imagine, it didn't go over well. I got called Ms. Opinionated that needed to mind her own business. I was told I never forgive, I hold grudges and think I am better than everyone, I am too strict and I never go all the way I only half way do things. His example was if I thought I was so high and mighty with my Christianity that if I really wanted to be the real deal that I should become a nun!!!!

I did shed a few tears (darn it) but, I didn't down him or point out all the "faults" that has. I told him I was working very hard to not let the A's in my life ruin it for me anymore. I would not let them walk on me (as I have in the past) and I would say no if I felt like it. This was the new me like it or not.

We did end up going to the cook out (and yes his parents had several drinks although he had none!) and we went for our ride on Sunday which turned out to be wonderful.

Nothing has been brought up about the "outburst" and I am sticking to my guns!!

My prayers are with each of you everyday.
Constant

smoke gets in my eyes

Drunk people don't need to be watching anyone's kids. You're very sensible to keep them at home on party nights. Maybe if you husband is going to go into a snit when he hears your reasons, he doesn't need to hear your reasons.

Lesson #1 - It's okay to say no. (You got this one down.)
Lesson#1b- It's okay to say no and not justify yourself.

You're doing great.
Hugs,
Smoke

bonbon

Constant~

Ahhhh, the name calling. Goodie 2 Shoes, High and Mighty, oh and my favorite~Mary Poppins, lmao omg that cracks me up now.

I wont go into the bad names~what's the point?

Words to me hurt just as bad or worse than something physical, you can forget the pain of that, and it heals. Sometimes words don't leave us as easy.

It's okay that you cried, I've done the same thing, sat there and took it, cried and then when he was done, I would think to myself, I may be all of that to you, but I still say NO.

We take alot for standing our ground and being strong, but you know what~ they lash out because they are mad because they are in no mind set to do so themselves.

My hat is off to you for stickin' to those guns !!

Ann

Hi Constant

I remember when I had just got my 9 month chip in CoDA, it was a time when I was setting boundaries and sticking to them. They were fair, and they were about ME, and they were good boundaries.

But I was getting so much flack from my husband and my son, that I almost threw my chip out and gave up. I thought at the time "It just isn't worth it, it was easier before".
That thought lasted about 30 seconds when I realized that I WAS worth it and it was horrible before.

I have never looked back since. We ARE worth it and we deserve respect and the right to make decisions that affect us (and our children when they are young).

I think you did wonderfully well. He will get used to it in time. That doesn't excuse his behaviour now, but if you refuse to partipate in his tantrums, he will be shouting names at the wind
instead of you.

JT

Constant,

You can't make changes without expecting some flack...it is all part of the process. I got plenty of it...but now when I speak I am like that commercial "E.F. Hutton...when I talk...they know I have thought it through and I mean what I say.

Keep up the good work!

JT

Ann

Constant

Melody Beattie has a wonderful writing about "Flack from Setting Boundaries" and I will post it on a new thread sometime tonight.
I just remembered it, and it is one of the "dog-eared" emergency pages in my book "The Language of Letting Go". As you can tell, I have needed to go there often, but I promise you that it is worth the flack to preserve our health.

I'll post in at the top of Al-Anon. Hope it helps.

constant

You know even though I was the person under attack again I felt pretty good knowing that I was "in control". Believe it or not since the name slinging he has been VERY helpful and pleasant. He hasn't tied one on either. He actually joined a gym and has gone to work out twice this week already!!!! He stayed home from football practice and kept our two year old while I took the boys. He even had all the items chopped and ready to go for dinner!!! What is going on?!?!?!?!!? Is he trying to lull me off guard or is he really trying to make this work?!?!?! He has even been real open with how much he loves me and how important I am. I have to say I am enjoying it, but I am trying to keep a grip on my recovery. I'll enjoy the good while it is here and stick to the plan when thinks aren't so good.

Ya'll are wonderful. It is so nice to have people confirm the things that I have thought all along.

Peace and happiness to all
Constant

JT

Constant,

Now there is a plan for you...enjoy the good and appreciate it....you can always return to plan B. The trick is seeing the good on the bad days too.

Hugs,
JT