drinking buddies
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
drinking buddies
hello everyone,
well i finally got to the bottom of my part in the big Easter day blowup. i just cant handle the "drinking buddies". its one thing to try and combat the feelings that alcoholism builds up within a person. its another whole fight to realize that if he chose not to get a recovery program, my future meant having the drinking buddies as part... and i am not willing to pay that price.
what is it with drinking buddies? why doesnt the A realize that they are just using him and that they are a circle of codependency and sickness? i knew when his drinking buddy came back from Florida for the winter that my nerves got on edge. and when he went out on Easter and got bombed with him rather than talk to me, i was in way way over my head.
drinking buddies suck. they really do. all they do is use and abuse the A for their own sickness. anyone else ever walked away because of a drinking buddy? i find i had enough energy to combat our relationship and the problems it had, but found myself unwilling to enlarge my circle of friends to include the "buddies"
well i finally got to the bottom of my part in the big Easter day blowup. i just cant handle the "drinking buddies". its one thing to try and combat the feelings that alcoholism builds up within a person. its another whole fight to realize that if he chose not to get a recovery program, my future meant having the drinking buddies as part... and i am not willing to pay that price.
what is it with drinking buddies? why doesnt the A realize that they are just using him and that they are a circle of codependency and sickness? i knew when his drinking buddy came back from Florida for the winter that my nerves got on edge. and when he went out on Easter and got bombed with him rather than talk to me, i was in way way over my head.
drinking buddies suck. they really do. all they do is use and abuse the A for their own sickness. anyone else ever walked away because of a drinking buddy? i find i had enough energy to combat our relationship and the problems it had, but found myself unwilling to enlarge my circle of friends to include the "buddies"
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Qietsins,
Your A is going to realize what he is going to realize it when it is his time...
Do you have a plan? Since he is not going to be changing any time soon what do you think you might do in the future to keep peace inside yourself??
Hugs,
JT
Your A is going to realize what he is going to realize it when it is his time...
its another whole fight to realize that if he chose not to get a recovery program, my future meant having the drinking buddies as part... and i am not willing to pay that price.
Hugs,
JT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
i am walking away. been down this road with him for three years, his sobriety was shaky at best when he started trying this winter. i am not up to a summer of cook outs and throw ups.
he is spending more energy on trying to figure out a way to be a "social drinker" than he would have to spend getting a program. its his choice. i choose not to be with someone without a recovery program. i wont watch him die. he came too close last summer. i wont go thru that again.
he is spending more energy on trying to figure out a way to be a "social drinker" than he would have to spend getting a program. its his choice. i choose not to be with someone without a recovery program. i wont watch him die. he came too close last summer. i wont go thru that again.
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
(((Quietsins)))
There are so many different types of drinkers. I left one, then married another. I am more happy and fulfilled in this marriage than the first because of the changes in me and the morals of the man, in spite of the drinking. But if that changed I know I have options.
Hugs,
JT
There are so many different types of drinkers. I left one, then married another. I am more happy and fulfilled in this marriage than the first because of the changes in me and the morals of the man, in spite of the drinking. But if that changed I know I have options.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Lancaster
Posts: 120
I had a problem with the drinking buddies too. My exABF had these 2 friends that so clearly used my ex for their own gain and at times my ex would admit he knows they are using him but other times it was all just in my head. I gave up on that argument a long time ago - when he would bring up how they use him I would just nod and try to change the subject. The worst part was most of our social activites centered around what they were doing - if they were cooking out of course we had to be there - primarily because my ex brought all the meat (he owns a meat market) and of course I would always bring some sort of side dish or dessert and then my ex would chip in on the cost of the beer. Last spring when we were sitting down in his friends garage for one of the cookouts I looked around at those people and I thought to myself what the hell am I doing. I told my ex after that night I really didn't want to spend another summer hanging out with his friends every weekend. He really couldn't understand why. Could it have been that I was the third wheel and the only female????
So yes, I do understand your situation and while the addiction was the main reason I left my ex the friends were definately a contributing factor. I think if my ex had not been so into hanging out with them maybe he would not have been so into drinking and the drugs. I know we are all responsible for our own actions but my ex is definately a follower and for some reason he really looks up to these two friends so whatever they do he will do. Sad isn't it?? Especially for a 40 year old man.
So yes, I do understand your situation and while the addiction was the main reason I left my ex the friends were definately a contributing factor. I think if my ex had not been so into hanging out with them maybe he would not have been so into drinking and the drugs. I know we are all responsible for our own actions but my ex is definately a follower and for some reason he really looks up to these two friends so whatever they do he will do. Sad isn't it?? Especially for a 40 year old man.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
Last spring when we were sitting down in his friends garage for one of the cookouts I looked around at those people and I thought to myself what the hell am I doing.
But really I know what you guys mean it's the same here. We moved about 45 minutes away from his first set of DB's then I find out he has two more that are only 5 minutes away. Can't they just find friends to play golf with. (sober of course)
hugs to ya'll
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
So yes, I do understand your situation and while the addiction was the main reason I left my ex the friends were definately a contributing factor. I think if my ex had not been so into hanging out with them maybe he would not have been so into drinking and the drugs. I know we are all responsible for our own actions but my ex is definately a follower and for some reason he really looks up to these two friends so whatever they do he will do. Sad isn't it?? Especially for a 40 year old man.
Last spring when we were sitting down in his friends garage for one of the cookouts I looked around at those people and I thought to myself what the hell am I doing.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
About 10 years ago, I was in a similar position. We had hung out with a fairly group of "friends" that all partied. I was the ONLY one that didn't. I remember feeling like you - I looked around at all those people and knew that I didn't want to have the life they did, didn't really want to be a part of that scene anymore, and things changed from then on. I stopped hanging around with all of them - unfortunately, AH didn't. After an incident with one of them, AH finally stopped hanging around with them, BUT he only went on to find others to drink with.
There was another time before then that we had moved an hour away. I was relieved. However, I found us coming back every weekend so that AH could party with his friends. And through the week, well, he simply drank by himself if he didn't have any new freinds to drink with.
I also remember a phase I went through where I despised his drinking buddies. But it was short-lived because I soon realized that it wasn't his friends fault that AH chose to do what he did. They may have had some influence on him or whatnot, but in the end, it was still AH's choice and actions that hurt me. I was married to him, not his friends.
There is a "code of ethics" if you will among drinking buddies as well. You know, like when you call a bar and they all tell you that your AH isn't there when he is. It's not so much a matter of his friends just using your AH (IMO) but a matter of them all using each other. They feel safe within their own group and when they are all doing the same thing, they feel accepted etc. (Again, just my opinion)
I'm sorry that your AH is hurting you and making you feel third-best (after the alcohol and his friends). I remember well how that hurts.
(Interesting side note for you all.....my AH did take up golf a few years ago. Sometimes he drank while golfing, sometimes he didn't. Interesting enough, he was always gone golfing then so I still never saw him.) I guess for me, I wanted him to want to spend time with me. I wanted him to have a life with me. So whether it was drinking, his golfing, his hobby or whatever that took him away - I always felt low on the totem pole of his priorities and wants.
There was another time before then that we had moved an hour away. I was relieved. However, I found us coming back every weekend so that AH could party with his friends. And through the week, well, he simply drank by himself if he didn't have any new freinds to drink with.
I also remember a phase I went through where I despised his drinking buddies. But it was short-lived because I soon realized that it wasn't his friends fault that AH chose to do what he did. They may have had some influence on him or whatnot, but in the end, it was still AH's choice and actions that hurt me. I was married to him, not his friends.
There is a "code of ethics" if you will among drinking buddies as well. You know, like when you call a bar and they all tell you that your AH isn't there when he is. It's not so much a matter of his friends just using your AH (IMO) but a matter of them all using each other. They feel safe within their own group and when they are all doing the same thing, they feel accepted etc. (Again, just my opinion)
I'm sorry that your AH is hurting you and making you feel third-best (after the alcohol and his friends). I remember well how that hurts.
(Interesting side note for you all.....my AH did take up golf a few years ago. Sometimes he drank while golfing, sometimes he didn't. Interesting enough, he was always gone golfing then so I still never saw him.) I guess for me, I wanted him to want to spend time with me. I wanted him to have a life with me. So whether it was drinking, his golfing, his hobby or whatever that took him away - I always felt low on the totem pole of his priorities and wants.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
It's not so much a matter of his friends just using your AH (IMO) but a matter of them all using each other. They feel safe within their own group and when they are all doing the same thing, they feel accepted etc
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
ever seen the movie Bull Durham? theres a line in there when Nuke goes off to the major leagues. it said, dont worry about him, hes not blessed with self awareness. he will be ok.
seems to be what drinking buddies provide. an aura of denying self awareness.
seems to be what drinking buddies provide. an aura of denying self awareness.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: US
Posts: 316
The drinking buddy...
I hate that man. And I hate who my husband becomes when he has been with him.
And I rarely say HATE.
My husband has drank 4 times in the past 4 months and ONLY in the company of this man. My husband knows he is dangerous and yet can not stay away.
And what sickens me even more is that this man's wife HATES my husband, as he is the "drinking buddy"
It is sick all around.
Jenny
I hate that man. And I hate who my husband becomes when he has been with him.
And I rarely say HATE.
My husband has drank 4 times in the past 4 months and ONLY in the company of this man. My husband knows he is dangerous and yet can not stay away.
And what sickens me even more is that this man's wife HATES my husband, as he is the "drinking buddy"
It is sick all around.
Jenny
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
my ah knows every drunk in town and they are all his best friend. I am the witch of course as i have run most of them off at one time or another. Usually saying something crappy like, "can't you get a life?". HOweva, we'll see how this summer goes as my first detachment exercise he said he was going up to the bar after we came home from a party and i said "see ya!" and next thing i know there is a knock at the front door and it is him- he didn't go. hmmm. he hasn't been running up there perpetually ever since. hmmm. guess maybe he thinks something is up as i am not reacting the way i used to. hmmmmmmm.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Don't forget that your A partners are the drinking buddies of their friends. Maybe their wives are saying that same things about your partners. It can be a cosy little clique where each one validates the others for what we would call unacceptable behaviour. The clique provides a means for each of them to say "I'm doing nothing wrong - Joe Bloggs does it too".
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
drinking buddies enlarge the circle of alcoholics in your every day life. i mean... come on.. its almost impossible to deal with one. and that one you love. but to deal with the fake, plastered on smile of someone i dislike.. now that is too much to bear.
as for the women drinking buddies.... now there is a whole nother situation i dont even want to get into. lol
as for the women drinking buddies.... now there is a whole nother situation i dont even want to get into. lol
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
I just LOVE this topic!
My ex and I have been apart for 3 months. He threw me out 3 times and emotionally abused me for years. The clincher is that he has only 2 drinking buddies....MY sister and her husband. I think it is a lovely arrangement.
There are NO boundaries for an alcoholic. As a matter of fact, if they can get a reaction....all the better.
My sister is an alcoholic AND she has gone out of her way to become close friends with ANYONE that I was EVER involved with. After my ex-husband abandoned myself and our 6-yr. old daughter, my loving, faithful sister invited him to her house for supper. She even brought my ex to our mother's 70th birthday party.
Always looking for a reaction. Always wanting to hurt me OR should I say bring me down. MISERY LOVES COMPANY!
But I know, as I'm sure some of you do too, once the alcohol is gone, so is the so-called friendship. They are NOT friends, they are simply drinking buddies. We have to learn to ignore it, but for me that is a little more difficult. I'm sure that my sister will be bringing my ex to all the family get-togethers. Like I said, there are NO boundaries.
Only head games.
My ex and I have been apart for 3 months. He threw me out 3 times and emotionally abused me for years. The clincher is that he has only 2 drinking buddies....MY sister and her husband. I think it is a lovely arrangement.
There are NO boundaries for an alcoholic. As a matter of fact, if they can get a reaction....all the better.
My sister is an alcoholic AND she has gone out of her way to become close friends with ANYONE that I was EVER involved with. After my ex-husband abandoned myself and our 6-yr. old daughter, my loving, faithful sister invited him to her house for supper. She even brought my ex to our mother's 70th birthday party.
Always looking for a reaction. Always wanting to hurt me OR should I say bring me down. MISERY LOVES COMPANY!
But I know, as I'm sure some of you do too, once the alcohol is gone, so is the so-called friendship. They are NOT friends, they are simply drinking buddies. We have to learn to ignore it, but for me that is a little more difficult. I'm sure that my sister will be bringing my ex to all the family get-togethers. Like I said, there are NO boundaries.
Only head games.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Originally Posted by Grace
As a matter of fact, if they can get a reaction....all the better.
But I turned my tables on my ex when I talked to him 2 weeks ago and he told me about his new "love"..
Absolutely NO REACTION from me..in fact I just wished him the best and told him I was glad he was happy.
Of course before I talked to him (on the phone) I wrote in big block letters on a piece of paper: THIS IS A SICK MAN!! BE COMPASSIONATE!
I kept looking at that paper the whole time I talked to him..it must have worked..I was so proud of myself..
of course the minute I got off the phone, I lost it..but that's ok..he didn't see or hear me doing it..
The other favorite of mine was telling him: "you might be right"..see I neither agree or disagree with him..
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