Tonight, in my dreams, I'll kiss him goodnight
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Tonight, in my dreams, I'll kiss him goodnight
I've avoided posting this for two weeks now because it's so difficult to put this into words. I was afraid that once I put this in writing that everything would seem so final. It was only yesterday that I finally able to refer to my boyfriend as my ex-boyfriend. I guess that's because it was only yesterday that I truly came to realize that my relationship with him is finally over.
Two weeks ago, on my 45th birthday, I ended my relationship with my AB of 23 years. It was hardest thing I've ever had to do. It's very painful to end a relationship. It's even more painful to end a relationship with someone you still love dearly. He was the first boyfriend I ever had. He didn't have a problem with alcohol when I met him, it just developed slowly over time. Had I knew it was a progressive illness, I might have run the other way a long time ago. But then again, perhaps I wouldn't have, since I loved him so.
I believe that no matter how difficult it is to walk away from someone you love, that the most loving thing you can do for someone with an addiction is to stop enabling them. And the only way to stop enabling them is to allow them to take responsibility for their addiction, to allow them to stand on their own two feet, to allow them to fall--and fall hard--so they can feel the full effects of their addiction. The folks at AA call this "reaching their bottom." They say that it's the only thing that will make an addict come to the realization that they need help.
Unfortunately, in order to help a loved one facing addiction, you have to reach your bottom, too. I did that two weeks ago. So, I turned my back on the only man I've ever loved and watched him walk away. I didn't even get a chance to give him one last hug, one last kiss goodbye. I wanted to end things in as loving a manner as possible, but the end wasn't loving. I tried so hard to save him from his disease but I failed miserably. So in the end, I realized that the only thing I could do was to save myself.
I realized that I was not helping him and it was not my responsibility to take care of him. So I handed his care over to God. I know that God will walk beside him every step of the way. But still I can't stop worrying about him. So each night, I ask God to take care of him and help him find a path towards recovery. And each night I pray that somehow he'll know that I still love him. I wish that my final words to him were "I love you." But they say actions speak louder than words, so hopefully he knows it's true.
I want so much to call him and ask him to come home, but I know that he'll never get well as long as he has me to pick up the pieces. I'm having such a hard time letting him go. I want to call him and hear his voice just one more time. But I know if I do, then I'll weaken.
I know time heals all wounds, but I can't imagine myself ever being with another man. I should feel relieved that alcoholism will no longer affect my life, but tonight I just feel lonely and sad. So tonight before I go to sleep, I'll ask God once again to watch over my man.
And in my dreams I'll kiss him goodnight one last time. Goodnight my man.
Two weeks ago, on my 45th birthday, I ended my relationship with my AB of 23 years. It was hardest thing I've ever had to do. It's very painful to end a relationship. It's even more painful to end a relationship with someone you still love dearly. He was the first boyfriend I ever had. He didn't have a problem with alcohol when I met him, it just developed slowly over time. Had I knew it was a progressive illness, I might have run the other way a long time ago. But then again, perhaps I wouldn't have, since I loved him so.
I believe that no matter how difficult it is to walk away from someone you love, that the most loving thing you can do for someone with an addiction is to stop enabling them. And the only way to stop enabling them is to allow them to take responsibility for their addiction, to allow them to stand on their own two feet, to allow them to fall--and fall hard--so they can feel the full effects of their addiction. The folks at AA call this "reaching their bottom." They say that it's the only thing that will make an addict come to the realization that they need help.
Unfortunately, in order to help a loved one facing addiction, you have to reach your bottom, too. I did that two weeks ago. So, I turned my back on the only man I've ever loved and watched him walk away. I didn't even get a chance to give him one last hug, one last kiss goodbye. I wanted to end things in as loving a manner as possible, but the end wasn't loving. I tried so hard to save him from his disease but I failed miserably. So in the end, I realized that the only thing I could do was to save myself.
I realized that I was not helping him and it was not my responsibility to take care of him. So I handed his care over to God. I know that God will walk beside him every step of the way. But still I can't stop worrying about him. So each night, I ask God to take care of him and help him find a path towards recovery. And each night I pray that somehow he'll know that I still love him. I wish that my final words to him were "I love you." But they say actions speak louder than words, so hopefully he knows it's true.
I want so much to call him and ask him to come home, but I know that he'll never get well as long as he has me to pick up the pieces. I'm having such a hard time letting him go. I want to call him and hear his voice just one more time. But I know if I do, then I'll weaken.
I know time heals all wounds, but I can't imagine myself ever being with another man. I should feel relieved that alcoholism will no longer affect my life, but tonight I just feel lonely and sad. So tonight before I go to sleep, I'll ask God once again to watch over my man.
And in my dreams I'll kiss him goodnight one last time. Goodnight my man.
Guest
Posts: n/a
There is not much sadder than what you are going through. I'm really sorry. I wish there was another way, but I haven't found one yet. I sent my son on his way a couple of years ago and it broke my heart at the time. We have a pretty good long distance relationship now. I remember feeling the same way. I thought it was imposible for him to know at the time that I loved him, but he knew I did. All I could do was pray for him and pray that God would take care of him.
23 years is a long time. I think he knows you love him and I think he probably knows that his addiction is the problem.
I had to save myself too. I'm glad you made that choice. You just never know how this will unfold.
Hugs and prayers,
MG
23 years is a long time. I think he knows you love him and I think he probably knows that his addiction is the problem.
I had to save myself too. I'm glad you made that choice. You just never know how this will unfold.
Hugs and prayers,
MG
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
(((FD)))
I know how hard this is for you and my heart reaches out to you. You have done a truly brave thing, both for you and your ex.
I wish you all the happiness in the world from this day forward.
Love
Minnie
xxx
I know how hard this is for you and my heart reaches out to you. You have done a truly brave thing, both for you and your ex.
I wish you all the happiness in the world from this day forward.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
Something, or someone, told me to go to SR this morning. I left my boyfriend almost 3 months ago. I have been doing well, but have some lonely times too. We were together for 9 years, split up for 4, and then got back together for 2 more. I don't know why I ever went back to him the second time. I thought he had changed, but in reality, he had gotten worse.
The first 9 years, he lived with me, in my house. He was emotionally abusive then.
The last 2 years, I lived with him, in his house. He was incredibly abusive with me there, because he could have more control over me. He was a kind man when he was sober, but his words and actions tore me apart when he was drunk. Several times, he told me to get the f**k out of his house. After being diagnosed with cancer last November, I realized that I could not get better and continue living with his abuse at the same time. I have recovered almost completely from the cancer and both surgeries. THANK GOD!!!
The reason that I am here this morning is because I needed to read something to help me in my lonely times. I do miss him. I miss the man he is when is sober. I still care for him, and possibly I still love him in some ways. I had a dream about him last night. He was with another woman and it literally broke my heart. That is why I am feeling sad this morning. BUT, I know that I could not continue to stay in a relationship with him while he is still actively drinking. He told me that he was going to cut down on his drinking and go for counseling in order to deal with his anger. I don't know if he is still going for counseling, but I do know that he is still drinking. As long as he is still drinking, he will never be able to have a decent relationship with anyone. Not me or anyone else.
It does hurt to say goodbye to someone that we love. But, it hurts even more to lose our sanity, self-respect, and serenity. I know that I will have lonely times, as you will too. Times when I want to hold him and tell him that I miss him. But I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with a man who continually treats me with disrespect. WE deserve better.
I pray that God will help you to get stronger each day.
God Bless!!!
The first 9 years, he lived with me, in my house. He was emotionally abusive then.
The last 2 years, I lived with him, in his house. He was incredibly abusive with me there, because he could have more control over me. He was a kind man when he was sober, but his words and actions tore me apart when he was drunk. Several times, he told me to get the f**k out of his house. After being diagnosed with cancer last November, I realized that I could not get better and continue living with his abuse at the same time. I have recovered almost completely from the cancer and both surgeries. THANK GOD!!!
The reason that I am here this morning is because I needed to read something to help me in my lonely times. I do miss him. I miss the man he is when is sober. I still care for him, and possibly I still love him in some ways. I had a dream about him last night. He was with another woman and it literally broke my heart. That is why I am feeling sad this morning. BUT, I know that I could not continue to stay in a relationship with him while he is still actively drinking. He told me that he was going to cut down on his drinking and go for counseling in order to deal with his anger. I don't know if he is still going for counseling, but I do know that he is still drinking. As long as he is still drinking, he will never be able to have a decent relationship with anyone. Not me or anyone else.
It does hurt to say goodbye to someone that we love. But, it hurts even more to lose our sanity, self-respect, and serenity. I know that I will have lonely times, as you will too. Times when I want to hold him and tell him that I miss him. But I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with a man who continually treats me with disrespect. WE deserve better.
I pray that God will help you to get stronger each day.
God Bless!!!
Barely There
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Adelaide Sa
Posts: 39
((((FD))))
Just wanted you to know (as you can already see) you are not alone.
Please take care of yourself and find time each day to dedicate to your mind, body and spirit.
It is OK to love him, it is also OK to take time to love yourself and allow yourself to be loved.
You are a strong person with wonderful insight - but we are here for you to lean on.
God Bless you.
Aud.
Just wanted you to know (as you can already see) you are not alone.
Please take care of yourself and find time each day to dedicate to your mind, body and spirit.
It is OK to love him, it is also OK to take time to love yourself and allow yourself to be loved.
You are a strong person with wonderful insight - but we are here for you to lean on.
God Bless you.
Aud.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: northeast
Posts: 43
Wow!! What a powerful post!! Our situations sound so similar--after 25 years, I had reconnected with my first love. Only after we re established ourselves did he reveal to me to his long history of alcohol-pill addiction, which didn't scare me away--maybe it should have right then and there. But again, he didn't have that problem years ago, and he told me he had conquered it.
Now--3 years into this relationship--I feel like I take a back seat--that the addiction is more powerful than us--our relationship. he says he needs support from me--well who supports us???? I thought that a loving relationship was a two way street, but lately it seems like the alcoholic in him is always focused on his needs, etc and again--who supports us????
Are all addicts incredibly avoidant as well? I can't have any discussion wtihout being told--I can't talk about that now.
I guess for me, I am too weak to let go when I probably should and that really makes me feel ashamed of myself. How can a realtionship be so one sides and built on lies and disrespect. The sad thing is that I know better, and yet I can't let go--let go fo the dream that may have been possible 25 years ago, but not now.
Now--3 years into this relationship--I feel like I take a back seat--that the addiction is more powerful than us--our relationship. he says he needs support from me--well who supports us???? I thought that a loving relationship was a two way street, but lately it seems like the alcoholic in him is always focused on his needs, etc and again--who supports us????
Are all addicts incredibly avoidant as well? I can't have any discussion wtihout being told--I can't talk about that now.
I guess for me, I am too weak to let go when I probably should and that really makes me feel ashamed of myself. How can a realtionship be so one sides and built on lies and disrespect. The sad thing is that I know better, and yet I can't let go--let go fo the dream that may have been possible 25 years ago, but not now.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
FD, I will pray each and every minute gets a tiny bit better for you. The loss of this very long relationship must be grieved. So, like a death, grieving takes time. And we have the hope that the loneliness will get better with time. I hope your time goes by quickly. I feel for you.
Sending hugs, peace, and serenity to you.
Sending hugs, peace, and serenity to you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Heya Scarlett :-)
That is an awesome amount of courage and strength. I'm nowhere being able to do that yet.
Yes it is. I can't imagine anything worse. I still love my wife of 19 years with all my heart and soul, and I too have to stay away in order to save both our lives, never mind our sanity.
I deeply respect what you have accomplished.
It's not the last one that I will carry in my heart. It's all the loving ones, the ones before the pills and the disease, those are the ones that will warm my soul forever.
Yup, same here. Once in a while when I get to feeling particularly low I'll call her home number, knowing she's at work. Just to hear her voice on the answering machine. It doesn't help, just makes it worse, but I'm not totally free of my addiction to her. Not yet.
Tonight you have all of us codies all over the world praying for you. I know how lonely you feel, but know that you are not alone. As terribly sad as you feel, know that all of us are happy for you.
You are in my prayers, my friend.
Mike :-)
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
...It was only yesterday that I finally able to refer to my boyfriend as my ex-boyfriend. I guess that's because it was only yesterday that I truly came to realize that my relationship with him is finally over.
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
... It was hardest thing I've ever had to do. It's very painful to end a relationship. It's even more painful to end a relationship with someone you still love dearly.
I deeply respect what you have accomplished.
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
... I didn't even get a chance to give him one last hug, one last kiss goodbye.
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
... I'm having such a hard time letting him go. I want to call him and hear his voice just one more time. But I know if I do, then I'll weaken.
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
... I should feel relieved that alcoholism will no longer affect my life, but tonight I just feel lonely and sad.
You are in my prayers, my friend.
Mike :-)
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Your post was beautifully written. And my heart really feels for you. I know that you are hurting right now and I can fully understand why. You are feeling so many things right now, but I hope you will find comfort in knowing that grief goes through many stages. You are greiving the loss of a relationship and the man that you love, that's very normal.
I just hope that you will start really focusing on yourself and you'lll find this will help you. Go out and live your life (even when you don't feel like it), make goals for yourself and strive to reach them, give yourself a better life than you've ever had! Please don't wallow in the sadness too long, it will also make you weak and vulnerable. It's also good to keep yourself busy so that you won't have those weak moments so often. I know that what I say is much easier to say than to do, but I know how you feel and doing the above really helped me.
Sending you hugs.
I just hope that you will start really focusing on yourself and you'lll find this will help you. Go out and live your life (even when you don't feel like it), make goals for yourself and strive to reach them, give yourself a better life than you've ever had! Please don't wallow in the sadness too long, it will also make you weak and vulnerable. It's also good to keep yourself busy so that you won't have those weak moments so often. I know that what I say is much easier to say than to do, but I know how you feel and doing the above really helped me.
Sending you hugs.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
FD, I cried for you too..its so hard and hurts so bad. You are doing whats best and although it doesnt make you feel any better, I am so proud of you. My heart goes out to you in this time of sorrow...
(((FormerDoormat)))
(((FormerDoormat)))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
wow... my heart aches hearing my own words from so many others. it is hard to let go. harder to realize we will only be happy without them.
i keep busy, busy busy busy... and in the end i have a clean house, or a mowed yard, or not so lumpy thighs from walking so much. i have a tangible visual of taking care of myself and my surroundings. it helps a little. just as knowing you have friends here helps.
you shall be in my prayers.
quietsins
i keep busy, busy busy busy... and in the end i have a clean house, or a mowed yard, or not so lumpy thighs from walking so much. i have a tangible visual of taking care of myself and my surroundings. it helps a little. just as knowing you have friends here helps.
you shall be in my prayers.
quietsins
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Near the edge of reality
Posts: 36
I'm so sorry for your pain. I wish I could say something to help you through this. Maybe it will help to know that you really helped me. "Unfortunately, in order to help a loved one facing addiction, you have to reach your bottom, too." I never thought of it in those terms before, but you are exactly right. And I too reached that point last month with my daughter. I too gave her to God, and grieve every day. I miss her so much. But thank you for sharing your story. It has brought me much peace. Wishing the same for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Oh, FD! I surely can relate with your heart's feelings. You are doing the right thing even though it is sooooooooooo hard to do right now. Years from now, you can look back on this and realize that it was the best thing to do for you (#) and for him (#2).
It's a sickness. And, if we continue to "take care" of them, they'll not change. Why should they have to? THey know we love them and will always be there for them no matter what like we've always been. But, when we take that final stand and leave, THEN'S when they realize they lost a great person in their life and they either continue to drink it away or they (hopefully) hit bottom and get sober.
He loves you as much as an alcoholic can. You're his Angel that loved him through all the drama and stood by him. But, nobody is worth losing yourself over.
I wish I could hug you in person and we could cry together cuz I'm doing the same thing you are.....I'm leaving and praying that God watches over him daily. I'm letting go and letting God.
Give yourself time to grieve. Allow yourself to do that and don't mistake it for wanting him back so badly. Volunteer for the homeless, needy children, hospitals.....put yourself in work that helps make you feel good about yourself. Join an exercise group, take dance lessons, join a bowling league....when you're ready, go out and start doing things that YOU like to do.
You're a STRONG person. Don't ever think anything else of yourself. Just put one foot in front of the other and .....breathe. I'll do the same.
(((((HUG)))))
It's a sickness. And, if we continue to "take care" of them, they'll not change. Why should they have to? THey know we love them and will always be there for them no matter what like we've always been. But, when we take that final stand and leave, THEN'S when they realize they lost a great person in their life and they either continue to drink it away or they (hopefully) hit bottom and get sober.
He loves you as much as an alcoholic can. You're his Angel that loved him through all the drama and stood by him. But, nobody is worth losing yourself over.
I wish I could hug you in person and we could cry together cuz I'm doing the same thing you are.....I'm leaving and praying that God watches over him daily. I'm letting go and letting God.
Give yourself time to grieve. Allow yourself to do that and don't mistake it for wanting him back so badly. Volunteer for the homeless, needy children, hospitals.....put yourself in work that helps make you feel good about yourself. Join an exercise group, take dance lessons, join a bowling league....when you're ready, go out and start doing things that YOU like to do.
You're a STRONG person. Don't ever think anything else of yourself. Just put one foot in front of the other and .....breathe. I'll do the same.
(((((HUG)))))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
I am so sorry for what you are feeling right now but I am also so happy for you. You have made a choice to make your life better. You know that you can't make him change his but you have recognized that you deserve happiness in your life and have made the necessary changes to allow that to happen. I'll say a prayer for both of you. I hope he will find his way to a better, healthier life and that you will continue on your way to making a life that will bring you what you deserve.
I wish you joy in your life and know that you can find it.
Big Hugs,
Jo
I wish you joy in your life and know that you can find it.
Big Hugs,
Jo
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
