GettingFree

About 17 years ago there was a major rift in my extended family. One of the losses of that time was my aunt, my father's sister, who I had been very close to growing up. She had provided a safe haven during the painful, chaotic years of my nuclear family. She also was a mentor of sorts. She was so very different from my father, with liberal political views and a curiosity about the world and she was involved with issues and causes. My own curiosity flourished in her home, as I discovered ideas and concepts that I never would have been exposed to in my own home.

I have been thinking about her a lot. And I am thinking about contacting her. I am afraid. At the time of the rift, she had demonstrated a lot of uncharacteristic anger towards me and my sisters. I also heard through a friend who remains in contact with her that years ago she had expressed a hope of resolution and reconnection. But I don't know if she still feels that way, so many years later.

I have experienced so many devastating losses in my life, from the time I was a young child. The thought of being rebuffed is overwhelming. I know I'd handle it, but I also know it would be incredibly painful to experience. I'm thinking of writing her first, and give her a chance to see if she wants contact. It would give her a chance to consider, and eliminate the shock of a phone call out of the blue, but still, if I hear nothing back, I will hurt all over again.

I ask myself why I want to do this. I'm not entirely sure. It may be no more complicated than wanting back the warmth and love I once had experienced. I ask myself, too, what this will accomplish in my healing. Again, I'm not sure.

Has anyone been through anything similar? I'm so uncertain now. Not knowing whether to take this step or not.

best
gf

JT

GF,

I was estranged from my mother for 20 years. It was a stepfather thing and my mother was afraid enough to be alone that she never stood up to him. I never stopped trying and in the end, today we have a relationship like we used to have.

Everytime I reached out with no resolution it hurt...bad. Picture a 45 year woman crying and hurting like a 3 year old. But I had to keep trying.

I say follow your heart. You could be hurt but you hurt now, right? I don't know what period of time you are talking about but perhaps a card (there are some beautiful sentiments out there) with a note...

(((Hugs))
JT

GettingFree

Thanks JT. Yes, you're right, hurt is there, but there seems to be some scar tissue formed and I suppose I was afraid of peeling away that scar tissue and feeling the wound afresh.

Nonetheless, I have decided to reach out and test the waters. I'm not ready to do it immediately -- and that's a good thing actually. It seems with the recovery work I've done to date, the feeling of urgency isn't there as it might have been in the past -- decide something, and need to act right away.

No, now I'm sitting with the decision, occupied with other things, and letting time pass until it feels I'm in the right space to go forward with this.

thanks again!
gf