quercusalba

Hello, SR folks.

I'm feeling really down now, really really down. I feel as though I have wasted so much of my life and so much of who I am - and who am I, anyway, without the drink? - that it makes me feel sick. I know this is a common complaint in early sobriety, this wash of emotion... and I know that it will pass, at least for the most part... but I wonder - how did you all rebuild the person you were meant to be before you started poisoning yourself with your drug of choice? For those of you in early recovery like me, how are you going about regaining the person you are? How are you coping/how did you cope with the overwhelming sorrow and regret and pain and guilt?

I am putting these questions out there because I am empty of answers on the inside. I feel like a shell of a person, a shadow of a human being. How can you start to feel human again after not only letting others down time and again - but having let *yourself* down so many times you can't even begin to count? Right now I have nothing.... I feel as though I'm composed of a handful of broken glass and not a whole lot more.

Melodramatic, probably... but the feelings are real.

Thank you for any input, and thank you all for being here for me through this difficult time.

--anne

Anna

Hi Anne,

Your feelings are not melodramatic at all and they mirror the way I felt when I stopped drinking.

First of all the shame and guilt is tough and even after 4 1/2 years I still struggle with guilt occasionally. Early on, guilt consumed me. The advice I got from Paulie was to journal. Somehow I knew that was the right answer for me because I had thought of it often, but greatly resisted. I didn't want to see the words. The miracle was though, that when I put the words on paper, they lost their power.

I, too, felt regret for the time I had given up. But, I was more grateful that I was now able to live my life free of the chains that had held me down. I was freeing myself of the low self-worth, the shame, feeling my life was pointless and that I had accomplished nothing. For me, living my daily life in a way that was honest and meaningful to me was amazing.

You are feeling overwhelmed with emotion now and that really is normal. Your drinking has kept down the feelings that you need to deal with. There is no way around it. Dealing with those feelings will free you to live your life as you choose. Try to face the emotions, own them and then move on.

Anne, you're doing great and I hope that you find peace very soon.

Love, Anna
Live each day the best way you can.

Northwoods Lady

Struggling with emotions. Hmmmm... Maybe because while you were under the influence you didn't have that struggle.
You are a worthy person - you just need to realize that again. For those of us who have had these addictive behaviors for a long time - it will take us awhile to unlearn the destructive behavior.
I know for a long time I was looking for someone to fix me. But the truth was the answer was there all the time. The answer was me!!!!! Upon reflection I realized that in this "instant gratification" society that we have had led me to expect a quick fix.
There isn't one... some days are a struggle. This will be hard work. But if I had come to this realization earlier I might not have relapsed so many times to get this into my thick head.
Hang in there and keep coming back.

Northwoods Lady

KEEGANSDAD

Please Go to Some AA Meetings and Tell them what is going on.
I also recomend getting a sponser.

P.S. Reading the Big Book Helps Give me Hope !

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

Good Luck.

Keegansdad

Time4Me11

Hello Anne,

I am in early recovery and am also struggling with the deep sense of remorse of "time wasted"...more so than cravings or pysical symptoms. I do not know the details of your story; but, I do feel grateful that I did not lose even more before I got to this point. I am starting there...with the things, people, opportunities that are still in my life after so much abuse. I am trying to be honest with those people, about what I do and do not have left of a career, etc...and trying to be very gentle in allowing the healing and rebuilding start there, with those people and situations. I will worry about new ventures when I am feeling stronger.

I am also simply choosing to believe that all will grow and blossom according to plan if I just stay sober. Kind of simple and neat...I have one key that I am going to trust to open up the rest of my life.

Best wishes to you.
Lance

hopealwayz

It is so difficult in early sobriety. The emotions overcome us like a wave. But our life preserver is the promises that each day will get better. When we believe this promise, it helps carry us through the rough times. It gives us a motivational boost to know that these times will not always be like this. Keep hanging in there my friend. You are doing great. You are in my thoughts and prayers today.


I felt guilt and regret over the time I spent using, but today I can forgive myself and look forward knowing that today I have a choice and I choose not to use. It doesn't matter what I did in my past, but I have been given another chance *today* to do things differently. That is something that no one can take away.

Hang in there.

Love,
Hope

pedagogue

The rebuilding is a gradual and long term process. As they say, Rome wasn't built in a day, nor were you.

Many times when a person starts poisoning themselves (using your terminology) their substance abuse replaces many of the other activities they use to do. They drop the daily walks and reading in a hammock, and replace them with trips to the bar and drinks on the couch. I think you need to take some time and think about what you use to do before you drank. What did you DO with your time before you got hooked?

Whether you admit it or not, you ARE a different person post-substance (because of actual psyiologic change that happens with the intake of substances), BUT that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the things you use to enjoy. (You can reverse certain psyiologic changes) If anything, you are giving yourself a 2nd (or 3rd, 4th....) chance, and with this chance comes opportunity.

Many times people who kick an addiction take up hobbies such as running, working out, tennis, etc. Why? Because when they were on these substances...it is the last thing that they would want/could do. Some people take a local art class at a community college, others pick up a book that they have been wanting to read, but never could sit still long enough to read the first page.

Take this opportunity to rediscover yourself. Once you rediscover yourself, others can get to know the 'new' you. You will still have the memories, but those are what drive you to change, not hold you back from it.

-pedagogue

michski

Hello Anne,

Your sense of comfortably feeling feelings will return slowly but surely. It's so strange to be sober and to feel anything. In early sobriety those "feelings" are some what dramatized and out of proportion. That drama will subside and the day will come that you'll look back and understand. Somewhere around 8 months sober I began to feel a renewed sense of myself. Looking back at my past 3 years of recovery gives me the sense that I've been peeling an onion .. with each new layer came a new definition of myself and a new acceptance of my past.. my eyes watered alot but it just came with the territory and I managed, with the help of the AA program to grow up, accept my past and move on.
Stick close to the program and read the promises.. read them over and over again because they do come true!
Best wishes for your journey!

Chy

Hi Anne,
Well as you know what your experiancing is normal. Doesn't take away the hurt though. I got sober in my early 40's! Half my life seemed to have been a waste. So many lost years, missed moments with my children and husband and at 6 months sober had a meltdown over it. But I have a great sponsor, great husband and kids, and they helped me see I wasn't so bad, I could now make up for the lost years by leading by example.

Become the best mom and wife I could possibly be. Live in the here and now, and work on that the future is yet to happen. As for the past, it's your best assest in offering your experiance to the newcomer who walks through the door. You'll be okay, promise.

Phinneas

((((anne))))

The short answer is - trust god, clean house, help others.

I was broken and bleeding when I came into recovery. Wracked with so much guilt and shame that I couldn't look myself or others in the eyes. The steps are the solution for me. By doing the work with a trusted guide, my sponsor, I am slowly but surely releasing the shame and guilt and rediscovering who I am.

I am feeling emotions that I have avoided my whole life. It's painful, for sure, but cathartic, too. Each time I move through the pain instead of running or escaping, I grow... I heal.

There is hope for a whole new life, anne. We do recover. But it takes willingness and work. The 12 steps of AA have worked for millions of people. They can work for you and me, too.

Sending you love and support,

phinny

CAPTAINZING2000

For one thing,

are you still drinking? You're going to be on this guilt trip for ever until you stop drinking. Are you Charles Manson? What have you done that can't be forgiven? Everyone gets a second chance at life if, they want it.

Quit beating yourself up.

Do you owe any apologiess to someone?

Coming into AA we learned to get honest and accept responsibility for ourselves. It takes a mature person to admit their mistakes.

The most important thing is to get the liquid from floating up the brain cells the good Lord gave you.

You appear to be an intelligent woman. This is hard for smart people. You have to roll up your sleeves and get busy. Do you want to keep coming in here posting and whining or do you want to do something about your problem?

You have to ask your self this simple question, is alcohol making me feel miserable?
Time to get honest. You can't ever free yourself until you do.

Dan

Hi Anne.
Wow... I'm moved to tears by the response you got from the community.
So much lived experience, freely and lovingly given.
I can't add anything really, except maybe this.
I made room for the sorrow and regret.
I made room in a way that I could live with it, without becoming an emotional slave to it, if that makes sense.
A room where I could easily find it, on my strong days, and chip away at it.
A room where I could just leave it be, on my weak days, so that I could navigate anyway, without an anchor around my neck.
In doing so, I affirm that I am a person being reborn, still less than perfect, but a far clearer copy of the original.
Don't give up.

pedagogue

DD, that is an excellent description of one method of coping.

-pedagogue

Cathy31

Hi dear Anne
Everyone here as put it so beautifully - I just have to echo them all.

And say to you - it's totally normal - but if you're still drinking you are going to be going back and forth back and forth - I know this from personal experience! If you're done - and just take it one day at a time - you can really start to heal.

AA has helped me so so much - just to live better, be a better person - be HAPPY and calm and literally just unafraid of anything. It amazes me these days - there is very little if anything that I am unafraid of. For me, that's the power of God and AA and recovery.

What you are feeling now is SO NORMAL - but it's also a privilege - if you weren't sober you would never feel this! So just try and go with it - and I SWEAR to you it gets better, daily, and soon you will not recognise the peace you have in your heart - you will learn to not regret the past, or wish to close the door on it - you will be moving forward. But, Anne, please take my advice and go to an AA meeting - stopping drinking is not just about stopping drinking!! You have so much to gain from engaging with AA.
I'm so glad you are here - you CAN do it.
Love,
Cathy31
x

wingsfree

Anne, you bet your feelings are real.

Here's my thoughts for what they are worth. First off your far from being melodramatic, I think that's wonderful you know how to express yourself, you know what some questions need to be asked, you know how to FEEL.

I wish I could answer you, but I can't, not right now anyway, I don't give myself enough time to be able to answer, and what you've written I could of wrote it myself, I'll be 50 at the end of this year, I think about the wasted years too, I've got more years behind me then ahead, so it's about time to stop worrying about that don't you think? focus on today.

I think it's a good thing you're feeling all these emotions, don't you think it's a part of healing? and stop and imagine the FREEDOM of this as time goes by, like being born again, spring, all new things come to life. So please be patient with yourself, learn to embrace your feelings, cry your eyes out if you have to, go punch something if you have to...anything but turning back, it's ugly that way isn't it?

Sending lots of love, extra hugs, and tons of understanding....Denise

Andy F

Hi Anne

I thought your post was honest.

When I got sober I wanted to get well by the end of the week! lol.

I also had preconceived ideas about how I, others and life 'should' be. Everything and myself 'should' be a certain way. It was my unrealisticly high expectations that caused my anxiety.

It is not that I wasted half my life that is the problem. It is that I only see the negative. Long forgotten is any positive stuff or the fact that it has been my struggles that have given me other qualities. When guilt and anxiety becomes overwhelming it is because truth has gone out the window and you are only looking at what you think is wrong. No one deserves to think like that. No one is so undeserving. Including you.

Andy

Connie

Hey Anne. I haven't posted in awhile; things have been busy for me. Good busy, not bad busy. Anyway, came on just now and saw your post, and I want to say thanks. You've expressed something that I've been feeling for about a month. The first 5 months of sobriety was real sweet; I just floated around on my pink cloud, and now I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. Anxiety is my biggest problem right now, that and guilt, remorse, pretty much what your post describes. I'm hanging in one day at a time, that's all I can do. I look to medicate (my automatic reaction) and find nothing but long walks and herbal tea. That's all that I'm allowed. I even gave up cigs 2 months ago, so their not an option either. A friend at a meeting last night told me that I'm going to be on a roller coaster for a while, so just ride it through.

Anyway, I want to thank you for the post. It's the first one I've read in many days, and it fit. There are no coincidences, that's for sure. Perfect example of drunks helping other drunks. Hang in there, we can do this.

Connie

exlibris

I think we're all in the right place. We all have so much in common.

(((Anne))) I know what you mean. But it does take time. That little voice inside you - the good one - I think is always there. I've learned to listen to it: Richard, go to the gym. Richard go to a meeting. Richard take the dog for a walk.

And yes, the voice does sound like the robot from Lost in Space!

But being good to youreself is the best thing. I like it each night when I can go to sleep in stillness.

It was tough in the beginning - but it comes!

You're in my prayers.

Richard

hopealwayz

(((Anne))) Thanks for starting this thread. The words in here and helped me stay sober today. I'm grateful for the experience, strength, and hope shared.

Anne, I'm hope you are doing alright. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and hugs,
Hope