Beautiful

AH to get into treatment? My H is not drinking, improved, but not working the program to see vastly positive results. He has been sick for 4 weeks now and is "worse" now that I am living my own life with our children. He eluded to a friend of ours today that I was a bad mother -- I was going shopping for an Easter dress instead of taking our kids to the Easter egg hunt downtown. And what's Einstein doing, you ask? LAYING IN BED!

This happens so often. Sick, sick, sick, and I just don't measure up to his standard of a "great mom." Like HIS mother was so special -- left his 6 year old sister to raise him because her husband couldn't hold a job! How does that make ME a BAD MOTHER????????

Okay, let's look at this logically. HE is laying in bed, I have a scheduled egg hunt for them tomorrow.

That makes HIM the GREAT PARENT and ME the LOSER.

He's an ass. Happy F'ing Easter.

I feel much better, now. Must've needed this small space of the world to gain a reality check.

I'm really not sure how to handle this. How do you say with love that he needs to get back to the 90 meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor, and get a counselor? Do you just get an attorney?

Please advise...........

elizabeth1979

If you figure that out, let me know...because I have found that he will do whatever he wants and any begging, pleading, or threatening, will do no good...if he doesnt want to do it.

Gabe

Nothing you can say or do is going to get him working a program.
That isn't going to happen until it comes from a desire inside of him.
As for his judgement calls on your behavior...
are you really going to let the opinion of a sick person ruin your day?
If he wants to lay around the house opining on the behavior of others...
let him.
Nothing he says has any validity unless you give it validity.
Go on and get your girl an Easter dress.
And have your egg hunt with the kids.
And enjoy your life.
That's the part that you DO have some control over.

Beautiful

Yep, I'm doin' it. I just went upstairs and asked how our friend (that he spoke with on the phone while I was gone) knew (when I saw him) that I was going shopping instead of the Easter egg hunt? He said that he didn't know. WTF! I haven't seen this friend in 2 months and he knows that I'm going shopping instead of an egg hunt? So I asked H that, if he was speaking to or about me that it needed to be in a positive light. He tried to start a fight with me saying, "I always do." He asked if I was paranoid? I restated my boundary. Again, "you are making assumptions?" We were headed down the same road when he has been caught but "can't remember." I said that I was frustrated because he wasn't listening to me - he was just talking. I finally said that my statement needed validation or rejection -- that was it. He said, "Yes, ma'am" -- his common phrase for "I surrender to you because I am the weak victim." Whatever. I followed it with we needed to have a meeting on Monday to take action on some items. He said that was okay if he was feeling better -- he needed to have his wits about him. Wits about trying to slink out of more responsibility? Oh, and he's reading the Al-Anon book again he brought home for me and "left" for me to "discover." It will be interesting to see if he applies any of the principles or just gains more "knowledge" to throw in my face.

Oh, I've polished my big brass balls so that's gonna me a no-go, SWEETHEART!

escape artist

well, just my opinion beautiful, but detachment helped me to the point where i didn't argue with him anymore. no sense in arguing with someone who is senseless anyway. It just gets you riled. may be some codie tendencies rearing up. if he is trying to heal in any way, and if you are not in any type of recovery as well the interactions may not be helping either one of you.
my detachment started when i was so angry i just didn't want to say anything to him anyway. But with SR and some Al-Anon help (especially the little books) it helped me to see that detachment with anger was not going to help. and i REALLY wanted to lose the anger-it was making me insane. so they talk about detachment with love and believe me-when you start to use it - the results are immediate! he even had to ask my kid if i was mad- cause he really did not know what was up-i wasn't mad anymore btw!

go buy your dress and do your thing and forget about any attempts on his part to make you angry or anxietous-those are his weapons. hopefully if he continues to read his book he may see that it is not helping either. maybe you could look at his jabs at you with "How important is it?" and then just let it go.

hope this helps.

Beautiful

I did. I just let it go. I think the part that hurts the most is that he dragged me into his f*cking mess. When I was single, I had my dog, myself, and my career. I didn't need him then and I don't need him now. It hurts what he says and what he does because they conflict. I think I'm going to ask this question in a new thread.

gelfling

The only person who's going to make him work a program is himself. Nothing you say or do will make a difference. Sounds like a dry-drunk and that can be just as bad.

Keep the focus on yourself. Don't worry about what he says or his friends say that causes you pain and hurt. Pretty good chance it's lies anyway.

Alanon, reading, posting, detachment, HP, etc. These will help. Do it for yourself.

splendra

I say tell him he must be too old to want to make improvments to himself