He crossed the line.......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
He crossed the line.......
I was thinking about boundries today. I decided that I needed to stand up and let him know there were certain things that are just plain unacceptable.
The strangest thing happened, tonight I had the opportunity to try this out. When I left work he was home with the kids, I called him on the way home and told him I needed to stop at the store to get the kids easter stuff. Okay no big deal.
He calls back and says he might go over to his friends house ( only 5 minutes away)with the kids (his friends kid and mine are good friends) I told him that was fine, but absolutely no driving with them if he has ANYTHING to drink. He said I know, I know, I won't. I said if you do decide to drink call me and I will come and pick them up. Okay whatever.
So then he calls me back and tells me he's only taking our 6 year old, the older kids are at friends houses. I said okay but do not drive with him if you have even one beer. He freaked out, he yelled so loud at me that people in the store were staring. He said why do you have to repeat yourself over and over blah blah.
I called him on my way home and asked if he needed me to come and pick up Carson, he said he was almost home. I get home a couple minutes later and guess what HE HAD BEEN DRINKING!!!!!!!! Probably one or two I don't know, but he did exactly what I asked him not to. SO NOW WHAT???
I said I'm going upstairs to exercise. And now he's passed out on the couch again. story of my life.
Oh and he isn't going to come to my mom's house for easter with us. I'm kinda glad, but that's kinda sad he doesn't want to be with his family on easter.
The strangest thing happened, tonight I had the opportunity to try this out. When I left work he was home with the kids, I called him on the way home and told him I needed to stop at the store to get the kids easter stuff. Okay no big deal.
He calls back and says he might go over to his friends house ( only 5 minutes away)with the kids (his friends kid and mine are good friends) I told him that was fine, but absolutely no driving with them if he has ANYTHING to drink. He said I know, I know, I won't. I said if you do decide to drink call me and I will come and pick them up. Okay whatever.
So then he calls me back and tells me he's only taking our 6 year old, the older kids are at friends houses. I said okay but do not drive with him if you have even one beer. He freaked out, he yelled so loud at me that people in the store were staring. He said why do you have to repeat yourself over and over blah blah.
I called him on my way home and asked if he needed me to come and pick up Carson, he said he was almost home. I get home a couple minutes later and guess what HE HAD BEEN DRINKING!!!!!!!! Probably one or two I don't know, but he did exactly what I asked him not to. SO NOW WHAT???
I said I'm going upstairs to exercise. And now he's passed out on the couch again. story of my life.
Oh and he isn't going to come to my mom's house for easter with us. I'm kinda glad, but that's kinda sad he doesn't want to be with his family on easter.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Queen,
Boundaries are about you and what you will and will not allow in your life. They are not about changing his behavior...not to say that is what you were doing. But now...on the treadmill...would be a good time to give some thought to how you can enforce this boundary. It may mean some sacrifice on your part. (I know...more??) But not allowing your children to be in the car with him when he drinks is as good a place to start as any.
Boundaries are the things that make you who you are...not continually compromising to keep peace.
Hugs,
JT
Boundaries are about you and what you will and will not allow in your life. They are not about changing his behavior...not to say that is what you were doing. But now...on the treadmill...would be a good time to give some thought to how you can enforce this boundary. It may mean some sacrifice on your part. (I know...more??) But not allowing your children to be in the car with him when he drinks is as good a place to start as any.
Boundaries are the things that make you who you are...not continually compromising to keep peace.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
I agree with JT.
I bet you were worried the entire time about him driving drunk with you child in the car. Which is probably why you called him and then called him again - even after he said "I know I know I won't". I've been there. Driving myself nuts looking for some kind of reassurance that "this time he'll be responsible".
Definately some sacrifices should be made here. Obviously you can't change what he's going to do....so change what you do. Don't dwell on what happened tonight. Learn from it...maybe next time you can suggest (if you can't be home) that someone else come over to the house and sit with the kids until you get there. I definately wouldn't let him drive ANYWHERE with the kids in the car at least until your comfortable that he will not drink. He's proven he's not reliable to stay sober.
This is the same reason my kids cannot spend the weekend with their dad. I can't trust him to stay sober and him not drive.
Just a suggestion.....I had to take my AH out of the picture and ask myself, how would I handle this situation if he wasn't here?
I bet you were worried the entire time about him driving drunk with you child in the car. Which is probably why you called him and then called him again - even after he said "I know I know I won't". I've been there. Driving myself nuts looking for some kind of reassurance that "this time he'll be responsible".
Definately some sacrifices should be made here. Obviously you can't change what he's going to do....so change what you do. Don't dwell on what happened tonight. Learn from it...maybe next time you can suggest (if you can't be home) that someone else come over to the house and sit with the kids until you get there. I definately wouldn't let him drive ANYWHERE with the kids in the car at least until your comfortable that he will not drink. He's proven he's not reliable to stay sober.
This is the same reason my kids cannot spend the weekend with their dad. I can't trust him to stay sober and him not drive.
Just a suggestion.....I had to take my AH out of the picture and ask myself, how would I handle this situation if he wasn't here?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
Jessica's right. I just started viewing myself and our girls as a unit and AH as a separate unit. I take care of our children and he can come and go within the family as he is able to show respect, caring, and dignity to our family unit. He is working on his dry drunkness so "drinking" isn't the problem for us. For us, it's about demonstrating to his children proper attitudes towards women and appropriate behavior within the world. If he "can't" manage it on that day, stay away.
Those are my steel boundaries for myself and my children because if I don't teach them correctly, who will?
Those are my steel boundaries for myself and my children because if I don't teach them correctly, who will?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
He drove after he had drank, after he told me he wouldn't. So I guess what I want to know is what now? Do I just tell him he is not allowed to take the kids anywhere in the car period?
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Originally Posted by queenofthehwy
Do I just tell him he is not allowed to take the kids anywhere in the car period?
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
My take on him driving with the kids. Forbid him to take them and tell the kids (if they're old enough and know when daddy has been drinking), not to get in the car with him. My AH went through the "I'm indestructible and can handle 2,000 lbs of steel, sober or drunk". He definitely had a guardian angel with him. Never got a ticket or had an accident. But if I had to do it over again, I'd walk home with our son rather than get in a car with him. I'd ask to drive and he always argued with me about his keen ability to drive. Yeah,,, and I'm sitting there saying, watch out, you're ready to get into that guys trunk or you're taking your half of the road in the center. Never again.
Yeah, it's sad he doesn't want to be with family tomorrow, but think of it this way. It's a peaceful day for you and yours without the shame and embarrassment. Enjoy!!!
Yeah, it's sad he doesn't want to be with family tomorrow, but think of it this way. It's a peaceful day for you and yours without the shame and embarrassment. Enjoy!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Kuttawa, Kentucky
Posts: 4
I am not trying to sound like I know everything and I am new to this group, but the truth is that he will drive them.... even if you tell him now, that he is not allowed to ever... he will do it. I had a situation with my dad, who drove with my kids when I didn't know he had relapsed... He is full blown out of control now and wants to see my kids. I have had to set boundaries.... He repeatedly has pushed and argued and justified... it for me has meant that there is not contact right now. When you let people manipulate, then change the rules and set boundaries, they will try to go back to the old behavior.... I am sure that this has happened before... I know I have forgiven my whole life.... I can't do it at my own expense and my kids expense.
I guess the answer is that you are not dealing with a rational person at this time, so irrational people aren't going to worry about boundaries... I do know that it is not worth you losing your kids over, either through a wreck or because he is endangering them and you know he is. That is scary for me... sometimes they take peoples kids, because the other parent allowed them to be in the care of someone without doing anything. I am not trying to be rude, but it is just not worth it for me.
I guess the answer is that you are not dealing with a rational person at this time, so irrational people aren't going to worry about boundaries... I do know that it is not worth you losing your kids over, either through a wreck or because he is endangering them and you know he is. That is scary for me... sometimes they take peoples kids, because the other parent allowed them to be in the care of someone without doing anything. I am not trying to be rude, but it is just not worth it for me.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Mindi, I dont have kids so take this with a grain ofsalt...but yes, I would not allow the kids in the car with him. Whatever you feel comfortable with. Such a tough situation, I feel for you and wish I had some wise words
(((Mindi))))
(((Mindi))))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
i don't think a boundary is telling someone else what he can or cannot do. your boundary would have to be what you will or will not accept. if you drive drunk with the kids in the car then i .......
then you have to enforce your boundary if he chooses to do this. there is a post somewhere that explained the boundary thing really well- co-dependence vs. Interdependence- from 1-24-05. it was posted by abitchonamission.
then you have to enforce your boundary if he chooses to do this. there is a post somewhere that explained the boundary thing really well- co-dependence vs. Interdependence- from 1-24-05. it was posted by abitchonamission.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Queen, I had to readjust the boundary lines when the ex was actively drinking. First, I modified the baseball rules and adhered to a "two strikes and you're out" philosophy.
When he was a no show to pick our son up at daycare on their night for dinner twice, I told him he was no longer picking our boy up at daycare.
We dropped down to one strike when he dropped the boy off after their weekend together and was obviously either still drunk, or hungover as hell...then the weekends together stopped.
I don't gamble on the safety of my child.
That is non-negotiable for me.
And in Spicoli's case, part of hitting his bottom was realizing that he had jeopardized his relationship with his son.
When he was a no show to pick our son up at daycare on their night for dinner twice, I told him he was no longer picking our boy up at daycare.
We dropped down to one strike when he dropped the boy off after their weekend together and was obviously either still drunk, or hungover as hell...then the weekends together stopped.
I don't gamble on the safety of my child.
That is non-negotiable for me.
And in Spicoli's case, part of hitting his bottom was realizing that he had jeopardized his relationship with his son.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: US
Posts: 316
About 2 years ago I told my husband he was NEVER allowed to drive the children in the car. Aside from long trips when I was with him and there was no chance of him drinking.
He has not done it since then. He never even fought me on it. I just flat out said NEVER and made arrangements on my own from there.
He is getting his license back on Friday after 3 months. He is currently not drinking.
We will reassess the situation at that point.
I adjusted my life and just pretended that he could not drive period. I learned to cart the kids around myself. It was a pain at first, but then became routine.
I just could not take the chance.
Good luck to you.
Jenny
He has not done it since then. He never even fought me on it. I just flat out said NEVER and made arrangements on my own from there.
He is getting his license back on Friday after 3 months. He is currently not drinking.
We will reassess the situation at that point.
I adjusted my life and just pretended that he could not drive period. I learned to cart the kids around myself. It was a pain at first, but then became routine.
I just could not take the chance.
Good luck to you.
Jenny
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
I am so glad my children are grown and gone.
Imagine if you had a live in sitter...or an au pair. Would you allow her, even ONCE to drive your children around after having a drink? You'd fire her backside in a NY minute!
When you have teens you always give the lecture...I'm sure my kids could recite it to you they heard it so often:
NEVER, NEVER, EVER get in a car with someone who has been drinking. Call me, call a cab, walk, take the bus but do NOT ride with someone regardless of who it is if they've been drinking.
Teach your kids to never ride with anyone who's been drinking (or using any substance), whether it's a friend, a cousin or a dad. Make sure it's just a "given" in your household, like brushing your teeth in the morning or saying please and thank you, or putting on clothes before you go outdoors!
You wouldn't ride with someone who's been drinking, the kids should know that's just not acceptable behavior in our society.
Imagine if you had a live in sitter...or an au pair. Would you allow her, even ONCE to drive your children around after having a drink? You'd fire her backside in a NY minute!
When you have teens you always give the lecture...I'm sure my kids could recite it to you they heard it so often:
NEVER, NEVER, EVER get in a car with someone who has been drinking. Call me, call a cab, walk, take the bus but do NOT ride with someone regardless of who it is if they've been drinking.
Teach your kids to never ride with anyone who's been drinking (or using any substance), whether it's a friend, a cousin or a dad. Make sure it's just a "given" in your household, like brushing your teeth in the morning or saying please and thank you, or putting on clothes before you go outdoors!
You wouldn't ride with someone who's been drinking, the kids should know that's just not acceptable behavior in our society.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Maybe next time this similar situation arises, you can simply say, "I am on my way home, can you please wait 20 minutes till I get home?"
Once they have started drinking, they can't make a rational decision as to whether or not to drive. THEY WILL DRIVE. THEY ARE INSANE. I learned the hard way about setting this boundary - mine was in an accident with the children. And, I allowed him to drive with them after that!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Insanity on my part, period.
Once they have started drinking, they can't make a rational decision as to whether or not to drive. THEY WILL DRIVE. THEY ARE INSANE. I learned the hard way about setting this boundary - mine was in an accident with the children. And, I allowed him to drive with them after that!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Insanity on my part, period.
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