FaithChaser

I don't know if anyone can give me any opinions or advice on this or not. I have been wanting despritely to have a conversation with my AH. One where I can really explain to him where this relationship is to me...gone... Anyway, I cannot seem to bring myself to talk to him, and he certainly won't talk to me. Is it even worth bothering to try? Everytime I plan on doing so, something comes up or he pops in a movie so we stare at the tube together for hours on end. I don't have it in me to have an arguement and have decided that I will not let that happen. I guess part of me is angry because I feel as if I've done everything to save this marriage and he has done nothing so he should be the one to initiate a conversation, but he's never initiated anything so why would he start now? Okay so any imput would be wonderful, I'm just so unsure how to tackle this.

Thanks,
~FaithChaser

wraybear

I highly recommend a chat but only when he is sober. If that is even possible. Of course, we don't want them to get defensive. Using "I" statements can help prevent some of that. "I feel very sad that our relationship is lacking ___________ so much so, that I am wondering if we should _________ . What do you think?"

I spoke with my AH last night and told him how sad I was about his depression and I requested he seek help, or I could no longer live this way and I know he doesn't want to live this way either. He didn't take it well at first, but then he apologized and thanked me for bringing it to his attention. HA HAH HA - I've brought it to his attention several times before. He has been to two meetings this morning and committed to calling a doctor Monday about his depression and his back pain. Of course, I am in a position and have made up my mind that I am ready to move on, if he doesn't make some changes soon. So, i felt good about saying "i can't live like this any longer."

My conversation with him may have been totally controlling, and codie, but damn it, it is the truth. And, I feel like I have "hidden" the truth for so long because I am afraid of the outcome - afraid he will drink, afraid of raising my kids alone, afraid he might even try to kill himself, afraid, afraid, afraid. Well, I can't live my life afraid any longer. I have done it way too long.

Sorry, I went a little out of control here, but I think sometimes we don't speak out of fear, and that is just plain wrong.

Peace to you soon.

pinky

I came to this point a couple of months ago. I have been married to my AH for 15 years and have tried so hard to save our relationship while all he has done is cause it to break down, over and over. When I decided to tell mine it was over, I actually told him it was over until he got help and I could see the changes. I know I still love the person I married but could no longer live with the person he had become. I also thought if he knew there was still hope for us if he might actually make the step to trying to beat this addiction and that it may not be so hard for him to accept that he had to leave. I did have to make all the arrangements for him to stay elsewhere and sorted everything out so that if he threw a question such as "where will I go?", I knew I would have an answer. I hoped this would help stop too much argueing. When I actually told him I suggested we took the dog for a walk on the beach early one morning (that way I would be able to make sure he didnt drink before hand) and when there I told him I needed to talk. I had to do it in a public place but with still an amount of privacy which is why I chose the beach. I also told myself that no matter what I would stay calm and I did manage to do this (I had to keep reminding myself when he started getting angry) but it worked and evrytime he shouted at me I very calmly answered him. Eventually it worked and he calmed down and seemed to accept what I was saying.

This was my way of dealing with it and I dont know if it will be of any help at all but try and be strong. Think of this as the last time you will have to initiate a conversation. And you have every right to be angry but try to stay calm. One other way that may help is to write him a letter and make sure he reads it when your not around. You could write down exactly how you feel and what you expect and this way you wouldnt argue and or miss out saying things that you really want him to hear. Whatever you decide I hope you find some peace at the end of it. XpinkyX

JennyK

Let me tell you about life and conversations with my husband.

From years 1-8, we meet at a keg party, we drank together for MANY years. We were the FUN couple, we had a lot of laughs and some really great times. We both worked and made money and were totally in control while being fun loving young adults.

Years 8-10, We got married and had a baby and got pregnant again and bought a house and my husband quit his job and got another job and we did not have a much money. I stopped drinking for the most part. He drank more. I was too tired to notice.

Years 10-11, I got less tired, he drank more and more and more. I had "the conversation" for the first time. He promised to cut down.

Year 12, He drank more and more and more, I had "the conversation" 2342398 times. He promised each time to address the situation. I found a Alanon site and started to work on my own recovery.

Year 13, He drank more and more and I stopped having "the conversation". I learned as much as possible about alcoholism and addiction, I started to take care of myself, I started to see what my future might be and what it could be. I was focused on myself and my children. His business failed, he drank and gambled us into mind boggling debt, he got a DUI.

Year 14, Here I am . I had one final "conversation" in which I set my boundary after he came home drunk one too many times. I told him that I would leave if he did it again. He did it again, I did not leave. He did it again, I did not leave.

The he decided that enough was enough and he made changes in his own life to find recovery. He is just starting and KNOWS that I mean it this time. I have had my last "conversation" with him. If he enters this house again drunk, I will leave (probably not forever, until he has a REAL and SOLID plan for recovery).

He is now having that "conversation" with his therapist.

That is my story of the conversations, I hope it helps in some way. It has been a long 14 year and I do say that if I did not know the spirits and souls of my children, the decisions that I made in the early years would have been very different.

Jenny

cwohio

i too struggle with this. i have had a couple conversations letting him know that i was getting to the point that i couldn't live this way anymore (being careful not to yell, "i'm leaving" unless i really meant it). i think i need to do the letter thing as i seem to be able to write out my feelings better than having a conversation (without being interrupted). good luck and know you are noy alone.

FaithChaser

Okay, so I set the plan.... I asked him if we could sit down and have a conversation tonight. I'm going to use the materials we had gotten from our marriage workshop so we can discuss with no arguments. We take turns talking and repeat what the other had said so there is no confusion etc. I'm hoping I can finally get somewhere with these tools. I'm going to have to remind myself to stay calm. Oh I've tried the letter thing only to find that letter a year later w/no changes. I'm going to pop that out tonight as well and tell him I understand how my threats mean nothing to him. Thank you for your suggestions, it helps so much knowing i'm not alone!!!! I am off to church now, and then to work I'll be thinking and praying a lot! I know others have gone through this and survieved I can too.

Hugs,
~FaithChaser

cwohio

good luck faithchaser!!!!