Daneydoo

Having read quite a few posts now and also going by my own experience why is it that so people who have partners who are alcoholics report that their sex life slowly disintegrates because the alcoholic partner does not seem to want to get intimate anymore? Why is this a common thing with alcoholics that they don't want to have sex anymore/as much? It's been something that has been bugging me for a long long time about my partner as I have found him to be the same with regard to cuddling and kissing etc but for some inexplicable reason doesn't want to make love to me anymore. It has gone from every day when we first met 18 months ago to about once every month /6 weeks and decreasing all the time. And the most upsetting thing and I don't know how to put this without being offensive but I have found that if I get up earlier than him he "pleasures" himself once I have gone, as I can see when I go to make the bed later. I find this really distressing.

I used to think that it was me and he didn't want me anymore, but now I think maybe not but why all of the above?

JessicaNAJ

In my case - I wasn't interested in him. It felt like chore instead of something I wanted to do for pleasure.

But then again, he stuffed it down my throat for years that "its a natural thing and there shouldn't be a problem. I should give it to him anytime he wanted." WHATEVER!!

Maybe I would if it didn't feel like an obligation.

WhatAboutME

I find it to be me that doesn't want to be intimate with my AH. We haven't had sex in well over a year. I find trust to be such a huge part of intimacy, and I just don't trust him at all anymore. And since he's still drinking, even if I wanted to have sex, he's usually too loaded to perform anyway!

FaithChaser

Daneydo, You are not alone in this and it is most definately not you. That part of our life is gone. Along with communication etc. I think it can be part of the disease and it stinks because I still have desires, and needs that are not being met. I'm slightly depressed about it but looking forward to brighter days and hope I don't waste the prime of my life away!

Hugs,
~FaithChaser

cupowater

This is the way I feel. But now I just figured out that MY AH is "pleasuring" himself in the shower in the morning!

JessicaNAJ

I'm had to laugh out loud at this. Thanks Cup!!

sunshinebluesky

i wonder why it is that they seem to like doing it themselves!!!??????

Stephanie

Fear of intimacy. When they do it themselves they don't have to deal emotionally with you. If they don't have to deal with you then they don't have to deal with themselves.

harleygirl92156

I found out I was the wife and he had a drinking "friend" as well. Got what he wanted from her and I was sitting at home worrying about him and not getting my needs met. He was though.

LuvEm

Daneydo, you're not alone in wondering about this. I've been asking myself the same kind of questions for the past few years. I've walked in on AH " pleasuring " himself a few times over the last year.... only to have him say to me " Leave me the F@#* alone, I could be out screwing someone instead ". If you think about that remark.....as much as it hurt when he said it, he could be . This isn't an excuse for him on either count,,, but it does have a bit of reality in it. I've talked to AH about this a few times while he was fairly sober and he says that pleasuring himself has nothing to do with me that most men ( and some women) do it all the time, even when they have great marriages or relationships. I went through all the emotions that everyone else has; he doesn't love me, he doesn't want to be with me, I'm no good in bed, what's wrong with ME, etc. etc. I still go through these feelings alot. I truely believe what someone said.... that the alcoholic is afraid of intemacy, afraid of not being able to preform or satisfy their partner, so instead of risking the humiliation, they just don't want to do it as much, or at all. It's frustrating, I know, been there, still there, and have a ton of T-shirts !
Hugs,
LuvEm

JennyK

I stopped having sex with my husband when he was drunk years ago. That VASTLY limited the amount of time we had that was available to be intimate.

Over the past year when things were really falling apart for him, he refused to initiate sex at all, instead using videos while no one else was home. (WELL hidden from the children always...he was diligent about that at least).

When I confronted him on this, he went on the attack and told me that it was become I was becoming fat. PLEASE...I know that I am the same size I was 14 years ago and have the self confidence to realize that I am an attractive person.

It was actually a huge eye opener for me about how lost he really was in his own world. That comment was one of several that forced me to think very hard about the direction of my marriage.

I stopped initiating at all and we went for months without any. Recently, with sobriety being number one, we are slowly finding our way back.

As hard as it is to let go of that part of your marriage, I found that when I finally did, I was able to really move forward in terms of what I was able to live with and set some serious boundaries.

Jenny

Zoey

I think LuvEm' AH spoke truth. I do believe the male has soom seperate sexual feelings. ALWAYS EXCEPTIONS . but don't you think they learn that at a very young age. And sometimes enjoy going back to it.
Dr. Ruth could prob explain it all. If my memory serves me correctly she recommends the same for the female.
Think she might recommend that you have him teach you and you can play together seperately. sounds yucky, but might lead to better together sex, I do not know. Just a thought.
For those that haven't confronted the problem with A, might be good to try one of Dr. Ruth's books. I favor knowledge and understanding.
I bought a book on what you don't know about sex. my hubby devoured it and then said we learned together. Best always for you both.
clancy46

canada1

It's been nine months for us and I guess it's mostly on me. However, it doesn't seem to bother him all that much. I have told him that I would be willing if he could come home sober and not reeking of cigs and booze. Obviously, sex is not high on his priority list because that has never happened as of yet. He takes care of himself every once in a while and I say all the power to him. I still have feelings of desire, just not for him. I have never cheated on him. I just take care of myself! And for now that's good enough for me.

equus

We're talking about people dealing with something the tears through there own self esteem, their confidence goes to a place uncharted, their health suffers, physically and mentally, they are addicted to a substance which is ripping theirs and partners lives too.

I believe my hubby completely when he says a part of him watched all of this happen but he felt unable to do anything about it - the most complete failure as a human being. From there he had to start to fight, in reality it blows my mind.

I think what would leave us really scratching our heads is if their sex life was somehow left UNeffected!

Just my view.

cherilene

I am new here and see many common problems, comparisons or what any of us can call it when dealing with our alcoholic spouses and/or friends. In my case husband in extreme denial. Sex, that just does'nt happen much at all and less and less. First I am not interested. Matter of fact it sickens me with him always drunk and smelling of booze. I say always, that is when he is not working. Who knows, he probably does that to.

Lakeside

I'm with all of you that say sex is less appealing when our A's are too drunk. My AH just berated me for not having sex with him or initiating sex for 3 weeks. God knows I tried 2 weeks ago, on my birthday but he passed out on me......Now, it's all my problem....I'm fat, he doesn't need me, he doesn't want me, nobody has ever wanted me. Bla-bla-bla. The problem is he doesn't do a thing for me when he is nasty drunk. Now, if he was nice and back to his old self that's a diffrent story. But those times are getting further and further apart. He was so bad today he locked me out of the house and wants ME to move out. Things are bad.....

cwohio

lakeside - sorry you are having a tough time!

we very rarely have sex anymore. actually it's never been THAT big of deal to me - yes it's enjoyable, but not when it's a "release" not an act of love. i hardly ever have initiated it and that has always been a sore subject. and i guess maybe that's one of my defects that i need to work on - unavailability. i have admitted to that freely and told my husband that it's part of my disease and upbringing.

anyway - yes - most of the time anymore he wouldn't be able to "perform" anyway.

emily33

I am repulsed by sex. I feel like I am used every couple of days for his release, and there is absolutely no love involved. The only times he comes to me and is pleasant for a few seconds is when he wants to be intimate. Gets what he wants and then becomes an ******* again.

Why do I continue, It is easier to give in for me right now, giving in last five minutes, fighting it lasts god only knows how long. He says I shouldnt make him feel abnormal for wanting something that is completly natural, and I am lucky he comes to me, because if he didnt then I would need to worry.

I am sorry did I go off here SEX SUCKS and my H is a freak. I feel better now.

JessicaNAJ

Emily - I couldn't agree with you more. My AH actually had me thinking I was not interested in men because I wasn't comfortable having sex with him. Of course, it had nothing to do with the fact that he practically raped me a few times in the past.

I hate having sex with my H. It's been over a year and I still have no desire whatsoever!!!