Parenting Question - (off topic)

Old 03-18-2005, 05:38 PM
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Parenting Question - (off topic)

I'd like to get some objective opinions about a disipline questions with my son. Ever since he came home from his fathers house Sunday night he has had the worst attitude - he has a smart mouth and argues with everything I say. So he didn't get any stars on his behavior chart this week due to his bad attitude. I promised he could have a friend over to play today after school - of course he begged for a sleepover. So I told him yesterday after school he could have his friend sleepover on 3 conditions - one was no smart mouth or giving me attitude the other stipulation was that they must behave when his friend is here. Well of course last night he gave me his smart mouth a couple of times and I told him no sleepover - he begged and I told him this morning I would let his friend stay over but only because I had already arranged it with his mother and it wasn't fair to dissapoint his friend - but there will be no more sleepovers or play dates until the attitude improves.

Okay, today they were pretty good - they played fairly well together until it was time to leave to go to the movie - then the smart mouth reared it's ugly head. I gave him a warning. He did it again. So I told him he would not be going to the boy scout outing on Sunday which is to see an ice hockey game. He begged, etc. and I told him to drop it or I am taking his friend home and no sleepover. He did drop it and has not brought it up for a while. NOw here is my question - I know I should follow through on my threat because otherwise I lose credibility - on the other hand this is a boy scout function which I hate for him to miss out on, plus they earn a badge for this which will complete all his requirements for tiger scouts and he can then move on to bobcats. IF he doesn't go to the game he is the only one who will not move on. And now the best part - his father is also planning on coming to the game so if we don't go I know he will throw a fit - not that I care what he thinks anyway. But he will use it against me with my son (ie: look how mean Mommy is she didn't let you go to the game, etc, etc). So what would you do in my position??? I really don't think I should let him go but......

Sorry this is so long!!!!!!!!!
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Old 03-18-2005, 06:27 PM
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Not too long at all,

Now what would Dr. Phil say? hmmmmmm....

He shouldn't have had the sleepover and now you are really stuck. I think he says to pick your battles but when you are in one...never lose.

My personal opinion on raising boys? We are raising budding husbands.

((Hugs))
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Old 03-18-2005, 07:00 PM
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My take.

I only threaten things that I know I will follow up on, although sometimes I say "You have LOST XYZ at this point. YOu can, however, earn it back with good behavior." This works beautifully for my daughter.

I also think that there are 2 parts to discipline. The consequence part and the proactive part.

I spend LOTS of time with my children teaching them and showing them appropriate ways to behave. When they are calm, I go back and review some of the things that I thought they could have handled better and we discuss ways in which they could remember to do that....I know...I know...it is the damn teacher in me.

When my daughter gets mouthy (my son, thus far is a very well behaved 4 year old), I give her one reminder to speak to me politely. If she does not, I say to her "Tell me like this______" and model polite talking. If she continues, I shut down the conversation and walk away. This usually results in a bit of a tantrum, followed by a "PLEASE Mommy, I will talk nicely to you" and she does.

Good luck to you and I agree with JT and Dr. Phil that ALL threats must be able to be backed up. (My earn it back clause is an easy way out when I realized I messed up).

Jenny
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Old 03-18-2005, 08:27 PM
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You're worrying about what other people are going to think. How do you think you handled the situation? What would you do differently, if anything.

If you're raising them, they answer to you. Too tough if Dad is going to be there. Remind him that things would have gone smoothly if your son hadn't come home with an attitude and bad mouth. And yes, he'll get defensiv.e What's his role in their care and wellbeing?

Sometimes, the hardest lessons learned are those where we are kicked the hardest in the butt. If he came home with the attitude, it's easy to see where he got it.

It takes time, but taking control of the kids is really important with the alcoholic parent. They see mom or dad acting a certain way and realize that if they do the same thing, they'll get what they want. Their inheritance of the disease.

Like JT said, what Dr. Phil says... Chalk this one up to experience. Get through this weekend and start fresh on Monday.

Blessings
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Old 03-19-2005, 10:39 PM
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I do not think you should let him go to the game. I know it is hard to not give in to begging but you can not let him think he can manipulate you. If his Dad is the type to hold this over your head then he will just find something else down the line to use your son as a weapon to hurt you. It is easy being the non-custodial parent.
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Old 03-20-2005, 09:35 AM
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What is one of his favorite things to do? Playstation, gameboy, basketball??

Maybe tell him that you've been thinking and Decided that he can go to the game but he will loose ______ for one week or until his attitude changes - and then STICK TO IT.

Just a thought
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Old 03-20-2005, 10:23 AM
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Actions must match words.

When you say he cannot have the sleep over, but next day tell him he can, youve sent a mixed message. (even it it did have conditions,,,which didint mean anything the first time you gave them).

Your actions did not match your words. Which one do you think he remembers?
Not the words.

When we "walk out talk", attitudes change.

Consistency, consistency, consistency.
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Old 03-20-2005, 10:28 AM
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I only threaten things that I know I will follow up on,
Yup...
Otherwise the child is being taught that continual pushing and nagging will change the outcome of his bad behavior.

Barbara Coloroso wrote some great books about diciplining kids. She really helped me to cut through the mind games with my kid.
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