going away
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chaos City
Posts: 605
going away
My h is going away Good Friday to see his dad who is very ill. He will be gone for nine days. He is going by himself and leaving the kids with me, all of them.
I am not going to conern myself with what he is going to be doing, I am going to concentrate on what I need to be doing, working and taking care of my kids. I am not going to give him a hard time about him drinking every nite while he is there and going to bars, it is none of my business.
I should be thankful, that he is able to go see his sick father, who may not be here next month. What he is going to do is not going to effect me, he will not be here.
This is where I know that I really need to do alot of work on myself. I have to let go of the past and look toward the future.
Drinking is his only source of happiness.
Do you know what I think is hard for me, I want him to be happy and have fun with me, like he does when he drinks. He has fun with everyone else, but he is drinking when he is with everyone else. I will never have that with him. What I get from him is someone coming down from there medication and phiening for there next dose.
I am being selfish arent I? I know there is something wrong with me. I am seeing my problems, and I am trying to work on them. What a job I am.
I am not going to conern myself with what he is going to be doing, I am going to concentrate on what I need to be doing, working and taking care of my kids. I am not going to give him a hard time about him drinking every nite while he is there and going to bars, it is none of my business.
I should be thankful, that he is able to go see his sick father, who may not be here next month. What he is going to do is not going to effect me, he will not be here.
This is where I know that I really need to do alot of work on myself. I have to let go of the past and look toward the future.
Drinking is his only source of happiness.
Do you know what I think is hard for me, I want him to be happy and have fun with me, like he does when he drinks. He has fun with everyone else, but he is drinking when he is with everyone else. I will never have that with him. What I get from him is someone coming down from there medication and phiening for there next dose.
I am being selfish arent I? I know there is something wrong with me. I am seeing my problems, and I am trying to work on them. What a job I am.
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chaos City
Posts: 605
I am wanting so much for my H to fill the empytiness that I have inside and he cant and he never will. I can only do that.
I am very appreciative of the things that I have, but it is all materialistic isnt it. What is it that I am looking for??? What is it that I need?
I am not sad right now, I am just trying to figure things out. Why is it that I need other people in my life to make me whole?
I am very appreciative of the things that I have, but it is all materialistic isnt it. What is it that I am looking for??? What is it that I need?
I am not sad right now, I am just trying to figure things out. Why is it that I need other people in my life to make me whole?
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
^^^ I think we do need each other, we do need bonds but more than just one bond. If we didn't need companionship then solitary confinement wouldn't be one of the most used forms of punishment and torture.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
Emily,
No you are not being selfish at all!! You need to take care of yourself and that is not the same as being selfish.
I have a hard time with that too. I hope we can figure this out.
Have a fun time while he is away!!!(I'm jealous)
Mindi
No you are not being selfish at all!! You need to take care of yourself and that is not the same as being selfish.
Why is it that I need other people in my life to make me whole?
Have a fun time while he is away!!!(I'm jealous)
Mindi
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
emily - you are not selfish - that's part of the problem - we feel guilty or selfish for wanting something good for ourselves.
i am jealous too - enjoy your time with your kids and "me" time!!!!!
hugs - chris
i am jealous too - enjoy your time with your kids and "me" time!!!!!
hugs - chris
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: AK
Posts: 143
It has been proven that babies who are not held at birth and thru the early years are mentally disturbed children. We all need some companionship in our lives to thrive. Does that mean we hold onto what we have if we are not getting our needs met? For me the answer is no. It all depends on how much you are willing to try in your relationship. I put in 15 yrs of marriage. Alot of trial and error. Now my kids are on their way out the door and I have had to take a good look at me. I know what I want but that has not always been what my H wants. We are starting to understand each other better thru therapy. I don't know if it will work but for now I am still trying. Next month may bring a whole new mind set.
Good luck
Zoe
Good luck
Zoe
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chaos City
Posts: 605
I think he is right about something that he says, he tells me that I have a wall up and I wont let anyone in, he says that I need to let people in and let people love me, and not be so defensive all the time. He says that i push everyone away from me. I am the one with no friends, he has tons of drinking friends.
I am scared to let people in, because I am scared of getting hurt. I am scared to be me, whoever me is. I have always been what other people wanted me to be. I am good with aquantainces, because that's all they are.
I sit in the background when I go somewhere and dont say much of anything to anyone, I am the one who always offers to help with dishes or their kids, while they have the fun or the conversation. I dont know how to involve myself and feel comfortable doing it. I dont know how to let loose, because I am afraid of what they are going to think of me, I care to much what people think of me. Why do I feel that way, and how the hell do I get over myself and how do I learn to let loose and have fun.
I am scared to let people in, because I am scared of getting hurt. I am scared to be me, whoever me is. I have always been what other people wanted me to be. I am good with aquantainces, because that's all they are.
I sit in the background when I go somewhere and dont say much of anything to anyone, I am the one who always offers to help with dishes or their kids, while they have the fun or the conversation. I dont know how to involve myself and feel comfortable doing it. I dont know how to let loose, because I am afraid of what they are going to think of me, I care to much what people think of me. Why do I feel that way, and how the hell do I get over myself and how do I learn to let loose and have fun.
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chaos City
Posts: 605
I am feeling sorry for myself today arent I. Okay, I am going snap out of it, no one has done anything to me. I happen to be home today taking care of my daughter who is sick.
I could be cleaning the house. yuck, but it needs to be done. Alot of people enjoy cooking and cleaning, i think it sucks. I enjoy organization and a clean house, but I dont like what it takes to keep it up. I spend way to much time thinking why am I the only one that needs to clean, and If I didnt the house would look like hell. Its proven, cause If I am feeling sorry for myself and I dont do it, it wont get done and that is when I hear it from my H.
when he gets home from work he will say What Have you done today??
In my fantasy, it will be everyone getting home and doing something together to pitch in so I dont have to do it all by myself, and then I wont have resentments, cause I am the only one cleaning.
But that isnt reality is it. I get snarls and stomping of the feet from my kids, or a half ass job done. Of course my H gets up earlier than me and is on his feet all day, unlike myself who sits all day and types and doesnt have to get up till 7:30, when he already has an hour and a half of work in.
Okay, I suck today
I am going to clean my house and build up more inner resentments to make others not make me feel bad for taking the day off and accomplishing nothing.
I could be cleaning the house. yuck, but it needs to be done. Alot of people enjoy cooking and cleaning, i think it sucks. I enjoy organization and a clean house, but I dont like what it takes to keep it up. I spend way to much time thinking why am I the only one that needs to clean, and If I didnt the house would look like hell. Its proven, cause If I am feeling sorry for myself and I dont do it, it wont get done and that is when I hear it from my H.
when he gets home from work he will say What Have you done today??
In my fantasy, it will be everyone getting home and doing something together to pitch in so I dont have to do it all by myself, and then I wont have resentments, cause I am the only one cleaning.
But that isnt reality is it. I get snarls and stomping of the feet from my kids, or a half ass job done. Of course my H gets up earlier than me and is on his feet all day, unlike myself who sits all day and types and doesnt have to get up till 7:30, when he already has an hour and a half of work in.
Okay, I suck today
I am going to clean my house and build up more inner resentments to make others not make me feel bad for taking the day off and accomplishing nothing.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Hi Emily,
We, as spouses don't have a selfish bone in our bodies. If anything, we're too giving to them and receive nothing in return.
After 18 years of my husband's sobriety, I too want the love I used to get. I give up hope at times and other times, I am hopeful. But I've put up a wall too. I want it, but am scared.
Use this time while he's away to focus totally on yourself. Don't think about him, wonder if he's drinking or anything. Just you and your kids.
Blessings
We, as spouses don't have a selfish bone in our bodies. If anything, we're too giving to them and receive nothing in return.
After 18 years of my husband's sobriety, I too want the love I used to get. I give up hope at times and other times, I am hopeful. But I've put up a wall too. I want it, but am scared.
Use this time while he's away to focus totally on yourself. Don't think about him, wonder if he's drinking or anything. Just you and your kids.
Blessings
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
Emily,
Glad to know my kids aren't the only ones who stomp around and complain when I tell them to do something around the house. It is really maddening when your cleaning things up and everyone else is just hangin out. Sometimes I feel like throwing cleaning supplies at them(ew that was an evil little thought) Anymore I don't clean up unless I want to, and of course if we are going to have company.lol.
In my fantasy I live alone on remote island with Constantine and we lay on the beach all day and eat exotic fruit..........wow sorry got a little off track.
Emily watch Jerry Springer it will make you feel really good about your life!!! hehe
E. Bunny is a fan too!
Glad to know my kids aren't the only ones who stomp around and complain when I tell them to do something around the house. It is really maddening when your cleaning things up and everyone else is just hangin out. Sometimes I feel like throwing cleaning supplies at them(ew that was an evil little thought) Anymore I don't clean up unless I want to, and of course if we are going to have company.lol.
In my fantasy, it will be everyone getting home and doing something together to pitch in so I dont have to do it all by myself,
Emily watch Jerry Springer it will make you feel really good about your life!!! hehe
E. Bunny is a fan too!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: In my own world...
Posts: 444
Doing nothing for a day is wrong? Oh oh, I'm in deep trouble. I'd say it's well deserved to have a doing nothing day. The dust bunnies will be around tomorrow. 
As far as everyone giving you a hand, why not I'm sure it isn't your mess only.... easier said than done I'm sure. When my brother and I were kids we had certain jobs everyday and we hated em'! Lots of snarling, stomping ect. but they got done or we weren't allowed to do anything. We settled down after a while, we just knew that was the way things were going to be done so we lived with it. Maybe you can bring a couple of jobs in slowly? I hope your day gets better. Enjoy doing nothing! It doesn't happen often enough.
As far as everyone giving you a hand, why not I'm sure it isn't your mess only.... easier said than done I'm sure. When my brother and I were kids we had certain jobs everyday and we hated em'! Lots of snarling, stomping ect. but they got done or we weren't allowed to do anything. We settled down after a while, we just knew that was the way things were going to be done so we lived with it. Maybe you can bring a couple of jobs in slowly? I hope your day gets better. Enjoy doing nothing! It doesn't happen often enough.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
he has tons of drinking friends.
I am scared to let people in, because I am scared of getting hurt.
DANCE as if no one is watching you.
SING as though no one can hear you.
LOVE as though you have never been hurt before.
LIVE as though heaven is here on earth.
((((emily))))
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Wish I knew
Posts: 428
Emily-
I understand what you are saying.
When My H is with his drinking buddies, he is Mr. Fun, Mr. Life of the party. when he is home, he is catching up on his sleep, watching TV and falling asleep. It does hurt when he chooses to sit around boozing with his buds A LOT of the time.
It used to hurt a lot more, though. It made me feel like I was so boring and uninteresting that he preferred to be else where. It is something I still struggle with.
He does nothing around the house, but is annoyed when things are messy. Oh well. Tough tiddlywinks. Things will get done when I feel like doing them. I can live with clutter. If he wants something done he can do it himself or wiat until I feel like doing it.
Grrr. No advice for ya, just to let you know i know where you're coming from. And I know it sucks.
I understand what you are saying.
When My H is with his drinking buddies, he is Mr. Fun, Mr. Life of the party. when he is home, he is catching up on his sleep, watching TV and falling asleep. It does hurt when he chooses to sit around boozing with his buds A LOT of the time.
It used to hurt a lot more, though. It made me feel like I was so boring and uninteresting that he preferred to be else where. It is something I still struggle with.
He does nothing around the house, but is annoyed when things are messy. Oh well. Tough tiddlywinks. Things will get done when I feel like doing them. I can live with clutter. If he wants something done he can do it himself or wiat until I feel like doing it.
Grrr. No advice for ya, just to let you know i know where you're coming from. And I know it sucks.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: AK
Posts: 143
When all of my kids were home I had a chore list. It had all their names and the day of the week with all the chores listed. I assigned each child one chore,(vaccum,dishes,dusting,bathroom,mopping.) And a detail list of what I expected to be done such as BATHROOM:clean toilet inside and out, clean bathtub,clean sink, sweep and mop floor.
I rotated the chores so that each child had a different chore each day and they took turns on the more time consuming chores so no one would have to do the same thingtime intensive chore more than once a week.
This worked very well. If they thru a fit they were assigned more work.
I also got tired of hearing " I'm bored, I have nothing to do." That little remark got rewarded with house work.
I have one left at home now and he does not grouse about helping. We take turns with the dishes and vacuuming. He has his bathroom to clean and I have mine. When his friends are over the know to clean up their own mess and if they say I am bored he immediatly tells them that is not something they want to say around here.
I rotated the chores so that each child had a different chore each day and they took turns on the more time consuming chores so no one would have to do the same thingtime intensive chore more than once a week.
This worked very well. If they thru a fit they were assigned more work.
I also got tired of hearing " I'm bored, I have nothing to do." That little remark got rewarded with house work.
I have one left at home now and he does not grouse about helping. We take turns with the dishes and vacuuming. He has his bathroom to clean and I have mine. When his friends are over the know to clean up their own mess and if they say I am bored he immediatly tells them that is not something they want to say around here.
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