At the ropes end! Need HELP Please!!

Old 03-16-2005, 10:52 PM
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Angry At the ropes end! Need HELP Please!!

I am new to the board and just wanted to know if anyone could give me advise on my situation. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, when we first got together he was extremely drunk everynight, he has now dropped down to around 2 nights a week. The main problem is when he goes out drinking no matter how long he is at the bar 2 hours or 8 hours he comes home completely trashed and biligerant. He is a very mean drunk to put it in mild terms. He wakes me tells me I am ( every word in the book basically) slams doors does everything except physically abuse me. It gets so bad I have to leave. I mild terms I get very depressed because he verbally abuses me for sometimes up to 2 hours at a time he can hardly even walk or speak straight during the process. I have been dealing with his abuse for about a year and a half. I have left him and went back with promises that he would quit drinking or get help, which neither happened or only lasted a few weeks. I recently found out I am pregnant, ( 4 months) and can not take this abuse anymore. I left him last night after an episode of him getting very drunk and abusing me verbally. He called me first thing this morning at 8 am asking for me to call him back, then called again at 2 pm and again at 6 pm. Then he started text messaging me telling me that he loves me and he is sorry and he is going to change because he wants us to have a happy family. Asking me to come home and see him, etc, called again at 8pm and texted again at 9pm asking if i hated him now and texted again at 10pm to say goodnight i love you baby. Needless to say I did not answer any of his calls or text messages. I think it will be good for him to know that I am not going to run back to him like I always do. I am stuck because I know deep down in my heart I want to be with this man but I cannot make the sacrifice of my childs life to grow up that way. I know he needs help but I dont know how to get him to the point to go get help. I am begging any of you to please give me any advise on how to handle this situation. Sorry if this is confusing and please if any of you want to email me please feel free. Thanks in advance for your support and comments.

Roxanne

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Old 03-16-2005, 11:11 PM
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Evening Roxyharris:

Help's on the way. Your story sounds similar to mine, except for one minor detail: I've been dating my AB for 23 years now. And let me tell you, he's told me things will change over and over and over again. Did they? NEVER. So why did I keep accepting verbal abuse from him (yes, mine did that too, but only when drunk, which eventually became every day)? Because I loved him and thought things might change.

Well, you're asking the same questions after 2 years of dating your AB that I am just now asking at the 23-year mark. So, you're well ahead of the game compared to me. When will your AB change? Only when and if he wants to. It could be tomorrow or it could be never.

One thing I've learned after dealing with an AB for 23 years is that he will lie to me again and again about his drinking, about his "desire to change," about basically every aspect of his life. Our entire relationship has been a sham. So what can you change about your situation? About your relationship?

You've already learned that you can't change your AB. You've already learned that you can't control his drinking, you didn't cause his drinking, and you can't cure it. The only thing you can change is yourself. You have some tough decisions to make--decisions that are weighing heavy on your mind. And these are decisions you now must make for two. You must consider what's best for both your life and your baby's life.

If I had stopped deceiving myself years ago that I could change my ABs behavior then I wouldn't have wasted 23 years of my life. You've only endured two years of life with an AB and already you're learning that things won't change unless you make some changes. As a much wiser member of this board is famous for saying:

"Nothing changes if nothing changes."

You already know your AB is not about to change. Now you know that the only person you can change is yourself. Stick around. Ready the "stickys" on the top of the page, they're a good place to start. Get yourself copies of Melody Beatty's book, "Codependent No More," find an Alanon group in your area, and keep posting.

You are not alone. We've all been there and done that, each in our own unique way. Here in SR we share our trials and tribulations, our strengths and weaknesses, our hopes and dreams, and ultimately our triumphs and successes.

Welcome to SoberRecovery.
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Old 03-17-2005, 02:01 AM
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I have no idea whether or not your botfriend has an addiction to alcohol, what I know from what you've written is that he's abusive. To wake you up for the sole purpose of giving you abuse seems very physical and aggressive to me - it goes beyond an argument that's out of hand.

Alcohol reduces inhibitions in most people - so do other things like familiarity in long term relationships, and power if he becomes the bread winner.

Have you thought about relationship counselling? Personally I would want him to face up to what he says and why he feels that way sober - I wouldn't let him off the hook that it's only the drink. If he is an alcoholic then that in itself may be creating frustration and pain in his life - but that will be there sober and drunk, the drink just removes the reasoning that stops the behaviour, it still leaves the question why this is being aimed at you?

Do you want to be with an abusive partner? Drunk or not the kind of behaviour you describe has underlying reasons (just my opinion).

When my hubby is drunk he loses his rationality and can say things that hurt but it isn't name calling nor intended to hurt and there's nearly always some 'base' to it that's there when he's sober. All I'm trying to say is that even blind drunk behaviour doesn't come from a vacume.
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Old 03-17-2005, 09:17 AM
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Why on earth would you want to be with a man who acts like this towards you???
Don't deceive yourself that it's 'only when he's drunk'. Being drunk sounds like an integral part of his personality.
You can't change him.
You can't get him to the point where he will seek help.
You can do nothing for him.
The only people on earth you can do anything for are yourself and your baby.
Sounds like he's a potential stalker too.
I think you should remove yourself from him and have no contact with him until he has cleaned up his act. On his own. Ditto for the baby - don't endanger the child. He can see his child when he can act like a responsible, nonviolent, sober adult.
Cruise the posts, you'll see your same story over and over again with different names. You can see how others have handled it and how that worked for them.
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Old 03-17-2005, 10:04 AM
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My belief is that no form of abuse is acceptable, and that the scars left by verbal/emotional abuse take the longest to heal...

As others have suggested, Al-Anon can help:

Hope is available!
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Old 03-17-2005, 10:19 AM
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and that the scars left by verbal/emotional abuse take the longest to heal...
Yep!

You know the old saying actions speak........he can tell you he wants to change until he's blue in the face, doesn't mean he's going to. He has to want to change for him, not just to get you to come home, because as soon as you do chances are he will get comfortable doing the same ol thing and guess what, things will be back to "normal" in no time.

Like FD said you have only given 2 years of your life to this relationship, do you want to give 23 to this kind of life?

Mindi
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Old 03-17-2005, 10:36 AM
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You didn't create it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.
You can't change him, you can only change yourself..

You can read the sticky power posts at the top of this form,
You can read the posts at the women in recovery form
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=47548
You can read and learn all you can about this issue
you can read "Codependant No More"
You can change you...

Only you can decide what's right for you...
So do at least one nice thing for yourself today...

Last edited by rivercitybelle; 03-17-2005 at 10:37 AM. Reason: getting link to work
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