Please Help!! I'm confused.

Old 03-16-2005, 06:45 PM
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Please Help!! I'm confused.

I asked my HP for a sign today to tell me which direction I need to go - divorce or stick it out. I asked that the sign come from my AH instead of any other influence. I am so lonely and sad. There's a void in my heart that desperately needs to be filled. I need to move from this spot I'm in. I'm tired of waiting for someone who is incapable for being the person I need him to be.

THEN THIS.....

My AH has mentioned a few different times that he'd like to spend more time with the kids so I responded, I know on at least 3 different occassions, that he could always come by in the morning to pick up the kids and take my son to school and daughter to the sitters. (I don't trust him to not get drunk when watching her.) This way it'll help me out and he'll get to spend a little bit more time with them. And by him making an effort to show up in the morning, it'll show me that he's trying to have some responsibility (My thoughts ~ I didn't tell him that). Baby steps, right?

So, tonight he comes over and when we were outside smoking he says, "So what do I need to do to see my kids more? I want them to start spending the night again and maybe see them once or twice during the week. However you want to do it." Then he says, "I will pick him up for school." (FINALLY - is that my sign?) He said he'd pick them up after school too. I told him I wanted to do that. (I'm not ready for that yet. If you remember, he got drunk while watching our 3 year old, passed out and obviously didn't get up in time to pick up our son. So our son called me crying b/c daddy wasn't there to get him.)

He said he wants to do whatever it takes to work this out. I asked him what he meant by "this". He said the trust issue with him watching his kids. He said it's got to start somewhere and he figured he'd bring this up and let me decide how I wanted to handle it.

I was almost ready to completely let go. I was even almost ready to tell him I wanted a divorce. Now this!!! Is this my sign to stick it out a little longer? or maybe this is a distraction?

Please help...
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Old 03-16-2005, 06:59 PM
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geez... I can see it both ways... I also believe that we see signs where we want to.. I think that when someone ends a marriage they need to REALLY know it's what they want - no questioning the decision... are you? I, personally, wouldn't ask my HP for a sign from my AH in order to make a big decision like this - AH is just too darn inconsistent for me - it'd be one sign & then 10 minutes later another sign...LOL!
Christine
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Old 03-16-2005, 07:02 PM
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Jes,

The only thing that is going to tell you if he means it is time.

Desolving your marriage is a big step and when I was in your shoes there were many times I did nothing at all except watch and wait. Promises are just words. Time will tell you if the actions follow.

Good luck!
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Old 03-16-2005, 07:02 PM
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Maybe this is your sign to keep doing what you are doing. Stay the course. Take it one day at a time. You have been doing an INCREDIBLE job of learning to reduce your addiction to him (from the outside looking in, it has been remarkable to watch...kudos to you!).

By letting him take the kids to school, you are doing a little for them and by not worrying about the next step, you are doing a lot for yourself.

Good luck and keep on keeping on...you are doing so well.

Jenny
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Old 03-16-2005, 07:15 PM
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When I need to make a decision, I MUST turn it completely and totally over to God. Then...I need to do the nest right thing in my life. I do the footwork, God does the miracles. Thats the agreement I made when I chose recovery.

God provides the clarity to me when the time is right. I MUST be receptive to the response, I MUST be open to the channels in which God speaks to me. Thru prayer, meditation, my support group etc.

I dont get to tell God how to deliver the message (Thru the AH or anyone else), I dont get to tell him when to deliver the message...thats called controlling, er Self-will. I turn it over, do the footwork in my life and be receptive to his will for me.

As for your AH's "talk"....

Talking the talk isnt the same as walking the talk. He says he;s gonna do all the right things by the kids.....why dont you wait to see if he starts walking the talkin', before making a decision?

Actions speak louder than words,,,,and my actions by turning it over are the ones that matter to my higher power.

Peace
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Old 03-16-2005, 09:15 PM
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I agree with FOB (Friend of Bill). My AB talked the talk, and talked the talk, and talked the talk. But each time, it was just talk. He never once walked the walk. I don't believe he ever will.

Remember just a few weeks ago when you found your daughter roaming around your hubby's aparment and you had to have her unlock the door from the inside, only to find hubby passed out on the couch while your 3-year-old toddler fended for herself?

Remember the anquish, the anger, the despair? Well, it's only been a few weeks since that event. Has AH changed so drastically in such a short time, that now with a few well-chosen words on his part, you believe this time will be different?

What happened the last time you thought "this time will be different?" I'll tell you what happened the last time I thought that: Nothing Changed. And the time before that? Nothing Changed. And the time before that? Nothing Changed.

Talk is cheap. He has proven nothing to you in the last few weeks other than he WILL drink in the presence of your children.

Now about this being a sign from your HP, I believe the sign comes from within, not from an external source, expecially one who's judgment is always clouded by alcohol. That is not the type of sign I envision anyone's HP sending their way.

Call me skeptical or call me wisened. But three weeks do not convince me that any change has taken place. I don't know much, but one thing I know for sure. I personally would never leave my children in the care of an active alcholic. They are much too precious to leave with a person who's brain is chemically altered by alcohol, who's judgement is clouded, who's emotionally stunted.

I don't think this was your sign. I think it was more of a test--a test to help you determine if you want to return to your old life and your old ways or if you're ready to move forward.
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Old 03-16-2005, 10:16 PM
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Hi Jess
I know this must be absolute torcher for you and I am very sorry for that. Has he shown you that he can be a responsible adult? Has he shown you that he is changing his life style? What exactly has he shown you? Go with your gut feeling as far as the safety of your darling children go. How long has it been since he passed out while watching your children? Has enough time gone by that you feel you can trust him not to repeat his actions? There are some things that we have to take care of ourselves instead of handing it over to our HP. Follow you intuition.
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Old 03-17-2005, 04:47 AM
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I firmly believe that my gut feeling is the only thing to listen to in these types of situations, as Zoe says. To me, THAT is my HP talking to me.

For what it's worth, I think he should show you in others ways that he is trustworthy enough to look after the kids. It seems dangerous to allow him to do this before he has proven himself in other ways i.e. demonstrated efforts at recovery.

You know what to do - listen to your own voice.

Love

Minnie
xxx
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Old 03-17-2005, 06:00 AM
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Thank you, thank you, thank you......

Believe me - I am in no way expecting a miracle. This may (or maynot) be the start of him finally waking up. I'm not getting my hopes up for anything. I'm going to continue my journey just as I've been. And I will sit back at watch and listen to everything my HP shows me.

My kids safety is my #1 priority and if I even suspect he's been drinking - he will not take them in the morning....(I'm not even considering him taking them for the night yet).

FD - You're right. Not enough time has gone by for me to think he's okay to have our kids overnight. I'm not ready for that and I won't be for some time. He's going to have to prove a lot to me and one of those things being that he is reliable enough to show up each morning to get the kids. I did tell him that I would pick them up after work b/c I don't want my son to call me crying b/c he wasn't there to pick him up ~ AH didn't like me saying that ... oh well!

(I even asked him if he was doing this because he needed to get himself moving in the morning so he can get used to waking up for work when he started back...lol I'm so bad .)

He did show up today. And 30 minutes after he left the house, my sitter called me to say that he had dropped our daughter off. NO - I'm not surprised. I know his routine and I'm not getting sucked back in to thinking that "this is it". He's done this before. Was really good about showing up for 1 or 2 weeks and then - oops, he's drinking again. I get pissed, yada yada yada. I'm not doing that. I don't have any expectations of him. If he shows up, great...if not, well then back to Plan A. I can only rely on myself.

I also agree that my HP would not give me a sign with one whose judgment is always clouded by alcohol (thank you for that reminder). This could very well be a test ~ and come hell or high water, I'm going to pass.

I will pray every night for stength to not sucked back into the chaos of his alcoholism. I got off that ride - I don't want back on. I have come to far to slip back into that now.

I think that is why I was so confused. I asked for a sign and I got this. It didn't make a whole lot of sense to me. You all have helped me clear my mind. Thank you!!
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Old 03-17-2005, 06:07 AM
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One question. Is he still drinking? If so, how can he guarantee to you that he'll not pass out with the kids. Like Zoe said, he can prove himself faithful and trustworthy in other ways. Letting the kids stay the night is really pushing. My opinion only.

Blessings
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Old 03-17-2005, 06:15 AM
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Actually - not that this changes my mind in any way.... he told me that he hasn't drank since last Monday oh boy...lol ~ by far, not a miracle.

He can say whatever he wants, I will let them stay with him when I'm comfortable.

Thanks Kathy.
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Old 03-17-2005, 06:27 AM
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Jessica,

Eveyone made some really good points. I think you do know the right thing, but maybe there was a tiny thought in your head that wanted this time to be different. You are a smart, strong woman and will do the best thing for you and your kids, just go with your gut.

Mindi
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