Alcoholic Daughter
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Near the edge of reality
Posts: 36
Alcoholic Daughter
My daughter and I have been best friends for a long time. I recently (8 months ago) found out she is an alcoholic - she hid it well, and I trusted her like a good mom should. We have these calm periods and then she (and her husband) go on a bender, miss work, she doesn't call me, and it scares me to death. Then she sobers up, we make up and things are normal... for a while. I'm going to alanon, but haven't found a sponsor yet. They are off on another bender. I CAN'T keep on doing this. They ruin EVERY holiday and special family event (they've missed the last 4 major family celebrations). They work where I work, so I know when they are out. I'm really thinking of totally detaching. I think I'm ready to say goodbye. I realize that 8 months isn't a lot of time, but I think that is relative. I've gone through hell & back to raise her (I was alone), and to me for her to give me 8 months of CRAP in return is just plain unacceptable. I also think it is the only way I can stay sane. Just looking for advice/options/thoughts... whatever. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: a state of insanity
Posts: 37
newbeginnings, it is hard to have a child who is an A. I can feel your pain and I am sorry for it. When you speak of detaching, you will be doing it with love. Have you read the book Codependant No More by Melodie Beattie. If not get it, thre will be people along in a while to give you advice and insight. Right now I am in a place I am just trying to survivie. Hang in there.
Fancy
Fancy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hey NewBeginnings,
Isn't it just the hardest thing in the world when you love someone dearly and they have a disease that gets in the way of that love?
Hang in there.
There is hope for you, and for her...one day at a time.
I'm glad you're here, stick around.
Isn't it just the hardest thing in the world when you love someone dearly and they have a disease that gets in the way of that love?
Hang in there.
There is hope for you, and for her...one day at a time.
I'm glad you're here, stick around.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
What is your definition of detaching? She is married and living outside your home I presume.
My son has been in and out of jail and is currently on a home monitor...not at home with me. But he can call and we can have conversations not relating to his "problem". Detaching for me is not getting involved in his problems, not accepting his blame or manipulation and not bailing him out. It is not about banishing him from the family.
We had a very ugly scene a few Christmas's ago and he is not welcome at events like that for the time being. Not my decision..the family circled the wagons. He is 30 and we have been doing this for what seems like forever...since he was about 16.
I understand your anger...I really do. I have simply been at this a while longer and I tend to let what will be...be. Al Anon is a savior for me. I am able to be happy while the world (my son) is going to hell around me.
Hugs,
JT
My son has been in and out of jail and is currently on a home monitor...not at home with me. But he can call and we can have conversations not relating to his "problem". Detaching for me is not getting involved in his problems, not accepting his blame or manipulation and not bailing him out. It is not about banishing him from the family.
We had a very ugly scene a few Christmas's ago and he is not welcome at events like that for the time being. Not my decision..the family circled the wagons. He is 30 and we have been doing this for what seems like forever...since he was about 16.
I understand your anger...I really do. I have simply been at this a while longer and I tend to let what will be...be. Al Anon is a savior for me. I am able to be happy while the world (my son) is going to hell around me.
Hugs,
JT
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
This is not an easy situation...
In my alcoholic upbringing, I learned that relationships were all or nothing, but I've since found that things are not quite so black and white.
Al-Anon taught me that detachment is not amputation. I achieve detachment through setting healthy boundaries so that I don't have to be hurt by the diseased behaviors of my loved ones.
To this end, one boundary might be to gently refuse to have contact with the person while they're under the influence (or shortly thereafter). Another might be to limit any sort of interaction that makes me uncomfortable.
One of the toughest boundaries I've ever had to set was in letting my mother know that I wouldn't be at her house for T'giving a few years back. She had gotten clean, but her live-in boyfriend still used and I felt sick around that dynamic. I told her as gently as possible that it wasn't about her or him, it was about how I feel in certain situations and that I wasn't willing to compromise my serenity and sanity that day. She said she understood and that she accepted my decision. The best part is that there were no resentments or negative impact on our relationship due to this boundary. In fact, we prob'ly all grew a little that day...
"Goodbye" doesn't have to be forever (*cue cheesy 70s soundtrack*
). "Goodbye" can be just for today.
In my alcoholic upbringing, I learned that relationships were all or nothing, but I've since found that things are not quite so black and white.
Al-Anon taught me that detachment is not amputation. I achieve detachment through setting healthy boundaries so that I don't have to be hurt by the diseased behaviors of my loved ones.
To this end, one boundary might be to gently refuse to have contact with the person while they're under the influence (or shortly thereafter). Another might be to limit any sort of interaction that makes me uncomfortable.
One of the toughest boundaries I've ever had to set was in letting my mother know that I wouldn't be at her house for T'giving a few years back. She had gotten clean, but her live-in boyfriend still used and I felt sick around that dynamic. I told her as gently as possible that it wasn't about her or him, it was about how I feel in certain situations and that I wasn't willing to compromise my serenity and sanity that day. She said she understood and that she accepted my decision. The best part is that there were no resentments or negative impact on our relationship due to this boundary. In fact, we prob'ly all grew a little that day...
"Goodbye" doesn't have to be forever (*cue cheesy 70s soundtrack*
). "Goodbye" can be just for today.
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