emily33

I had a very good weekend. I came home early evening Sunday.

I came home said hello to my H, kissed him and said thank you for the things you did around the house.

He said he would appreciate the next time I decide to leave for up north, that I didnt leave him a mess to clean up. He started going on how he did three loads of laundry, made some food, went to the grocery store and picked up snacks for the kids lunches.

I dont mind saying thank you for the things he did around the house, but I refuse to praise him like a king. Give me a break the things he did around the house, was not even half of what I do every weekend and I dont get a thank you, Even if it was everything I do, what is the miracle, it is expected of me. It is a good think I dont expect praise and a thank you.

Why is it

I helped you, do the laundry, or the dishes, or I helped you by baking or cooking.

I work 40 hours a week too, I just dont consider everything in our home to be my job and I dont appreciate someone automatically thinking it is my job and I should be appreciative for him helping me with my autmatic assumed jobs because I am the women.

This is one way I hold resentment, I am angry about this, and I have many resentments because of this any ideas of how to handle, in a nice way, of explaining to him, and only explaining once, how I feel about his helping me??

gelfling

Kind of funny you wrote this post. This weekend, my husband felt the need to point out that he had turned the heat down on a pot and that it made a bit of a mess on the stove. Of course, he didn't clean it up, but he acted like he had done a life saving act by turning the heat down. I felt resentment for that. I knew he turned it down. I'm not stupid, but this time I felt as if he was going out of his way to get pity because he had to get out of his recliner and do something and it wasn't something he would normally do.

Gives me the crappers at times. I go through these feelings once in a while. Especially when he gets home from work, showers, eats and stretches out for the rest of the evening and I'm busy doing stuff around here and still have to clean up the dishes. Then the fibromyalgia is at it's worse. And, of course, he doesn't understand or prefer to not understand about the fibro.

zoe

My H was told by some friends of his about 4 yrs. ago that they felt I did not do enough around here. I pointed out all of the things that I did and what needed to be done that he was not taking care of. This did not end the dispute so on the weekend when he was home and wanting to do things together I told him I didn't have time because I needed to clean the house. When He left with the kids I started a log of what I had been doing, the date and time I did it, right down to my bathroom break. At the end of three days I showed him the list and then asked if he still agreed with his friends. Of course he says you don't do that every day and I said no I don't but if you would like me to do things as a family then you will have to understand that the house is not going to be spotless all the time. I still have that list and will refresh his memory if need be. I have also taught my family that I do not need to thank them for doing the dishes, vacumming, cleaning the bathroom, etc. I did not make all the mess and when I do all this I don't get a thank you. They have all learned to be more appreciative.
Zoe

emily33

I dont mind the cleaning part anymore, I have come to expect alot less of out myself around the house. I use to think it was my job to make sure everything was perfect, and I could never achieve perfection and that overwhelmed me to the extent, I would give up and just do nothing at all.

I have accepted to do on thing to a time, I have accetped that I am only one person and can only get so much done in one day.

I also know because of his disease he places blame on whoever he is in the mood for that day, so he doesnt have to look at himself.

When he throws out his snide remarks to get me to participate in his dramatic play, and I know what he is doing, and most of the time I dont join in, how can I stop from feeling defensive, how do I stop myself from autmatically feeling the need to defend to him what I have accomplished on that particular day.

I still have issues of not doing enough. I have to be easier on myself. When he says one thing, the inadequacies I have about myself shows through like a bright star. I cannot handle constructive criticism, I cant handle someone telling me I am a slob, I cant handle someone telling me what I should or shouldnt do and pointing it out to me. I dont like someone pointing out my faults.

emily33

Most days I do give my all, and he lets me know the days that I dont.

He changes the oil, he puts gas in my van, he takes out the garbage, and he pays the bills, see he does everything for me. He makes sure I have a pop everyday and smokes, that is because he is the only person with a debit card for our checking account, and I never know how much is in there, because he is not completly honest about how broke we really are.

Yup, I am bitter today arent I?

cupowater

I always get the "I cooked dinner" or "I cleaned this or that" Like I should be SO greatful to him! I do most of the cleaning and the laundry and the ironing without complaint because he pays most the bills. Only fair, BUT I don't go rubbing it in his face like "Lookie what I did for you"!!!! THAT pisses ME off!

cwohio

oh can i relate to that! i too have always been a perfectionist! i think what someone else said in another post about spoiled mommie's boys is true. i don't seem to have that problem but i do resent the fact that i do most of the household stuff. resentment - what an ugly thing it is! i think i need to go out somewhere and throw eggs at a wall to get my anger/resentment out!

JessicaNAJ

I HAD to laugh out loud at this one.... I can picture it now... LMAO

FormerDoormat

Hi Emily:

Here's my take on the situation. I'm a perfectionist in every way. I like a clean house. I like my home to be neat and orderly. I like my life to be neat and orderly. I don't like chaos in my home. I don't like chaos in my life. I like to control my environment because it's one of the few things I CAN control.

I used to resent my AB and my daughter for not helping me with housekeeping chores. Oh, sure, they'd help me if I asked them to, but they made sure I'd see the pained expressions on their faces as they went about their chores. But they never did anything unless I asked them for help. And then they expected praise for doing what I do everyday with no praise at all.

But one day, I let that resentment go. I let it go when I realized that a clean house is important to ME, it's simply not important to them. They are not slobs by any means. They make their beds, pick up their clothes, put their dishes in the dishwasher. And I'm grateful for that. But they don't care if the carpets are vacuumed, the floors are mopped, or the toilets are clean. It's simply not important to them.

So, once I realized that I wanted a clean house for ME and not for my family then I was able to let go of the resentment.

If you are cleaning house for your family and not yourself, then let it go. If your family members like a clean house, then they will assume the duties. I came from a family of nine and, believe me, our house was always a disaster. The only person who cared if the house was clean was me. So from the time I was 13 years old, I cleaned and cleaned that house. Who did I do it for? Not my mom (though she really needed the help), not my dad, not my siblings. I did it for ME. I love a clean home. I love having an orderly home and I love having an orderly life.

So if a clean home is important to you, then clean away, but don't expect others to share your interest or praise you for it. If it's not important to you, then let it go and focus on things that are important to you, like your precious little kids.

MysticCat

When my AH pulls that crap, I usually ask him if he wants a gold star. He usually shuts up. I refuse to play the keeping score game, he always loses anyway.

cupowater

Is that something all A's do?????? I HATE that! It's like playing a childish game! I refuse to respond to it when he starts it! I like the gold star idea!!!

JessicaNAJ

I have to honestly say that my AH always straightened the house, cooked supper, and did the laundry. Although it was not always done to my "standards" I was very greatful to come and know it's all going to be taken care of. When it came down to the "hard core" cleaning though it was totally up to me. I do miss that.

Aquiana

Hee hee. I have to laugh not at the frusteration of having to do everything around the house but at how some people seem to think little fairies come in and do everything when they aren't looking. Abf is really bad for pointing out everything I don't do and noticing nothing I do. Of course, when he notices it not done he isn't exactly running to do it. Sometimes I figure I should quit doing everything and see if he finally sees a difference. For example he'd never clean the toilet. I've told him straight out that if he starts making enough money that I can stay home and be a housewife I will but while I'm working the same as him, no way I'm the only one doing it. I'll give him some credit. If I ask him to do something he usually does. If I don't, the mess could be up to his eyebrows and he won't touch it. He's also good at the "manly" jobs like lawn mowing and shovelling. Unfortunatly a once a week job doesn't exempt him from the stuff that needs to be done everyday.