rum1961drinker

I drink almost every night. I never drink in the day-time. I have been this way for over 20 years. I have driven drunk many times but never got a ticket. I stopped all driving drunk 6-7 years ago and plan to never do it again. When I'm on business travel with another person I do not drink. Last year when I took the family on vacation and we all slept in the same room (including my 17 y/o's friend) I did not drink for 5-6 days. A few years ago, my wife's parents flew in from out of state and stayed at our house for about 2 weeks while the wife and I went on vacation out of the US for a week. I did not drink for that approximate 2 week period. Any night I do not drink, I wish I was drinking and always have some difficulty sleeping. At most I have missed 2 days of work over the last 20 years because I drank too much, stayed up too late, and couldn't get out of bed the next morning. For the last several years I have measured my alcohol to ensure I don't over drink (e.g., throw up in bed or wet the bet). My wife says I an alcoholic and wants me to quit when we move in to our new house. I have accepted a new job and am currently 800 miles away from them, have been for over 1 month. We will be in our new home in between 1 and 5 weeks from now. I don't want to stop my nightcaps. I have always had trouble slowing down my racing mind and falling asleep, my mom tells me stories of how I would cry and climb out of my crib and fall asleep against the bedroom door, and how they (my parents) would have to slowly push open the door and pick me up. They also describe watching me wander out of my room (I think at an older age) and have a difficult time falling asleep. My mom says just as it appeared I was going to pass out due to exhaustion, my eyes would twitch with new energy and I would wake up. I drink to help me sleep. I usually start 1.5 hours before I go to bed. I really really need (and have always needed) 8 hours of sleep a night, and set 10 pm as my bed time, so I start between 8:30 and 9 every night and drink, I think, about 12 oz of rum. Of course this amount has increased over the years probably starting at a six pack and increasing to a 12 pack and then onto the hard stuff; rum. Probably at the peak it was closer to 16 oz, but with my wife complaining (and rightfully so) about my throwing up or wetting the bed, I've cut back to between 10 and 12 oz. I have a 16 oz cup I fill up to a certain level. I don't think I'm an alcoholic, nor do I think I'm a problem drinker, but obviously there's a problem with my wife. On the other hand I know what I do is not "normal" or I wouldn't be posting here. What do you guys think?

Time2Surrender

Rumdrinker,welcome to SobeRecovery.Only you can really answer the question on whether or not you are an alcoholic.However in my opinion,throwing up,wetting the bed etc. is not normal.I also dont think normal people drink a 12 pack then start in on the Rum.For me I quit because my life had become unmanagable.However,I have seen many functioning alcoholics who never really hit a bottom or lost jobs etc.I had my last drink on May 18,1995.Never drank again.Unfortunatly for me drugs were harder to quit.Am I an addict? Yes. Am I an alcoholic? Not really sure,but I have no desire to take another drink and find out.I still attend AA meetings pretty much daily.

Patsyd1

Hi rum1961drinker,

I would suggest that you go to AA meetings, sit and listen, Identify and do not compare, let someone there know that you are new and checking out AA, ask for help and then make up your own mind.

I am aware that social drinkers do not question their drinking, because they simply do not have to.

Chy

Hi rumdrinker!
We're glad your here! Have you checked with a doctor on the sleeping problems? There could be many reasons and treatment for this disorder. I know that sleep was most difficult for me when I quit. So hang in there!

BaBa OReiley

i can toatally relate rum,
i remember the first meeting of AA i attended. i read the first step ......." we admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our wives had become unmanageable!"

only you can decide if you're an alcoholic or not. it was suggested you read the literature, answer the questions honestly, i remember the first time i read them, i answered no to all of them!!
but i'm an alcoholic, i lied, LOL

i found that when i read them with an actual alcoholic i answered them differently.

ever drink before morning? nope not me....... most times i didn't wake up till 1:00, and camping trips don't count!
and if i was partying from friday night on till sunday, that was still considered one night!

LOL, i could justify anything!

i was told that if i was asking questions about my drinking that i most likely had a problem, and again that only i could decide if i was an alcoholic or not. what i did find out though was that without drinking i was not a happy person, hmmmmmm?

i also found out that when i was drinking i wasn't really a happy person either, WTF you may ask? me too. when drinking i would pretend to be happy, but on the inside i was still miserable.

today i realise that being an alcoholic has very little to do with alcohol, matter of fact in AA's 12 steps it's only mentioned once.

keep asking questions rum. find an open meeting of AA and go. listen to whats being said. don't compare your drinking to the speakers, instead........listen for similarities about his/her life while drinking and how it has changed since stopping.

deciding wether or not one is an alcoholic is a big decision, get lots of info before making it.

good luck with the new job and new house!

rum1961drinker

Thanks for the replies folks. I will go to an AA meeting and listen. I've spoken with my doctor about the sleeping (but I didn't know of and didn't mention what my parents recently told me about what I did as a young kid) and all he did was prescribe ambien. And yes I did explain my difficulty slowing my mind down. He basically just said to stop drinking and I would have to re-learn how to fall asleep again. Now I wonder if I ever really knew. I do not drink a 12 pack then on to the rum. Rather I started with beer then when my tolarance to alcohol increased I moved on to rum. I only drink rum now. The comment about functioning alcohol is exactly what my wife says, she says I'm a "responsible alcoholic" in that I only drink after the kids are in bed and go to work every day. I know I'm not normal, and I am not a social drinker, I drink alone. But I don't think its a dichotomy of must being either a social drinker or an alcoholic. Maybe I'm wrong that's why I'm here, to get others opinions. This is not a question I can ask my friends/co-workers. Yes I do hide my drinking, but I don't think that automatically makes me an alcoholic. To me, I'm just hiding something I know is abnormal. Again thanks all for the comments and please keep them coming. And if I come off defensive, it's because I don't want to quit. What I don't know is should I really really be quiting. The only person it effects is my wife, I'm there for the kids. If I'm not at home until later then I don't start til later. So it does not effect our social life either.

huricanephoenix

Hi. I havent posted anything yet because this is my first time to this site. I know that I crave alcohol therefore I must be an alcoholic. I also know that my family and friends dont really know how much I drink because I drink mostly at home alone or after a night out with friends Ill come home and drink more by myself. I enjoy it. I enjoy geting drunk, playing games on the computer and talking to people. Most of the time I cant tell that Im drunk becasue it just feels normal. I work in a bar and am up late nights and find that drinking helps me wind down so that I can get to sleep by 5 am. I didnt know that what I may be called is a "responsible alcoholic" until reading your post and the others that have replied. A question that popped into my mind when reading and learning from your post was what would your drinking be like if your wife and children had never come into your life? Also, I wondered if you may be in denial because you dont want to stop drinking. I havent had a drink in 2 days which is the longest for me in a long time. I know that the enjoyment I get form drinking I am missing right now and have been thinking about all night, but then I think about what I will feel like when I get up tomorrow and how my life will feel different and 'normal' like other peoples. And I wont have to feel the shame that I do when I take the bottles out for the collector. Anyway, I just wanted to post my thoughts so that maybe you could learn from mine as I did yours. Im very glad that I have found this site. ~hurri

BaBa OReiley

<a href=http://www.nassauny-aa.org/Docs/20Ques.html target="blank">click here for questions to decide if you're an alcoholic or not</a>

i tried to put a link up, hope it works! LOL

check out that site rum, and try to answer the questions as honestly as posiible. also try to answer just yes or no, i found that when i answered them i was justifying everything if i answered more than yes or no! LOL

good luck, and if you care to tell us how you made out, i bet everyone would be interested!

1_day@_a_time

perhaps it's affecting you too?

http://www.soberplace.com/20questions/

Jhana

Hi rumdrinker,

In reading your post I am reminded of myself at 30...it was wine, not beer, and scotch, not rum, and my husband was the one who was in the situation your wife is in. Well, the marriage ended (not unhappily as there was now no restriction on my drinking). Had my drinking stayed the same, and I could count on not driving drunk, I might never have been convinced I had a problem, but that was a moment in time and things went from moderately bad to worse.

Unfortunately it never seems to go the other way or even stay at the same level. That's the bad news; the good news is that life from the abstinent side of the fence is full of wonders I never could have found while I was drinking.

This is a great group here, and I am glad you have found this place to ask your questions,
Gianna

housecatt1

hi rumdrinker ... I'm a before-bed rumdrinker too, struggling to stay sober. Like you, I start in the evening and drink until bedtime, usually until around 10'ish. I know what you mean about the falling asleep. I pretty much drink myself to sleep when I drink, sometimes having one last strong one right before I brush my teeth and climb into bed. My head never seems to shut off when I'm sober at bed time.

Re-training myself to fall asleep without the drinks is something that I've been working on. Sometimes it's difficult and sometimes I watch the hours tick by and am tired the next morning - but it's actually a "better" tired than the tired I feel after I'd drank myself to sleep.

Sometimes I can get myself to relax and get my mind thinking about something nice to doze off to. I'm getting better at it.

Anyway, just wanted to say "hi" and let you know there are lots of "us" out there wanting to make our lives better.

Good luck to you! .... please keep us updated on how it's going!

~Catt

CarolD

for those who question their drinking...I suggest you read

'Under The Influence" or 'Beyond The Influence'

Amazon carries both and they are full of facts about the diease of alcoholism.


I finally quit drinking using UTI and AA.

Hope you find answers to your situation.

rum1961drinker

OK, I've decided that I don't know if I'm an alcoholic or not and don't really care. I do have a drinking problem and a desire to quit, so I fit the AA criteria. How is best to quit? Housecatt1 what did you do?

housecatt1

Hi again, rumdrinker. I'm probably not the best person to ask, because I haven't completely quit yet - but I'm really working hard on it, and it seems to be slowly working. I'm trying a one-day(night)-at-a-time approach. During the evenings, I'm trying to busy myself doing other things (hobbies) while sitting and watching television with my family (our usual evening thing - besides the kids' homework and music lessons, etc.).

I really like the well-rested feeling I have in the mornings following nights that I haven't had alcohol. I feel really awake and alive and happy and in control. I try to remember that great feeling when I'm thinking of having drinks in the night, and I try to remember that tired, hung-over feeling too. I hate those after-drinking mornings .. I feel guilty and stupid and like a bad mom, and all sorts of other yucky emotions.

The mornings after NOT drinking are the greatest feelings.

I also think about the amount of money per month and per year that I spend on alcohol. The amount is crazy. It's an amount that I could have used to take my kids on a few good vacations. That right there makes me very sad about drinking.

I also try to constantly remember the health effects that alcohol can, and probably will, have on my body - ie., cancer, liver problems, weight gain, etc.

As for bed time, I decided that if I can't sleep, I can't sleep. I'm not going to be afraid of bed time any more ... I know it's not going to kill me. And I am getting better at falling asleep. I just need to make sure I have something good to think about and try to focus on that, rather than (for example) on my bills or what I have to do at work the next day, etc., etc., etc.

I always smile and say a quiet "thank you" to God for giving me the courage and control to make it to bed time without a drink, and I feel proud of myself for making that night a sober one.

Anyway, I'm still learning to deal with this, and I still relapse. BUT, I know I'm on the right track because I find that during the days I'm looking forward to "not drinking" more and more, and I'm able to choose to not drink more often now than I used to be able to.

Maybe a "cold turkey" approach would be better overall. I don't know. All I know is that I'm slowly getting a handle on things ... and slow is better than nothing at all I suppose.

So, in my non-expert, unprofessional, trying-to-do-it-myself opinion ....

Try one night and take note of how great you feel the next morning, and keep remembering that feeling, and go from there. If being bored is an issue for you, like it is for me, you might also want to try to busy your hands with a hobby like I'm doing, or even simply doing the daily crossword from the newspaper.

......... That said, the very best advice to you is probably to find an AA meeting place near you and go. Also, to talk to others about your problem and getting some support and help from family and friends.

I haven't done either of those yet, and I know that I probably should. But I'm moving forward little by little on my own ... for now.

Good luck to you. Let us know how it's going, ok?

1_day@_a_time

Rum Man, find the number to the local AA, find about the meetings, and go see for yourself.

Keep an open mind, decide for yourself after you have attended numerous different meetings.

It may just save your life.

reborn

Hi RD,
I have felt the same way u do. Although after attending a few meetings and rereading carefully the first couple of Big Book chapters, I keep returning to step one. Can I really progress through the other 12 steps without really being sure of step one? You are definitely not alone in agonizing over this decision/acknowledgement. Thanks for your post.
RB

CarolD

that anyobe who plans to quit please see your doctor and be honest about your drinking. It can be dangerous to de tox from alcohol alone. why take a chance?


Also....there is a Sticky on withdrawal in our Alcoholism Forum. And....
Here is a link about AA meetings..

http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/F...A_Meeting.html

Hope you find a way to a better sober life.

Cathy31

Rumdrinker

I have to second that suggestion...look up AA, keep an open mind and GO!

It's worked for me and thousands, hundreds of thousands of others! I htink you will be quite amazed. What amazes me is that the sober life is actually about a million times better than the drunken punctuated one! Bit boring at first, but then you acclimatise - and it does get better and better - corny as it sounds, it's so true.

It's such a gift, AA...give it a try. You have nothing to lose, and if you keep an open mind I can almost guarantee you that you will come out of your first meeting pretty awe-inspired and you'll be on your way to conquering your alcoholism in a way that is life affirming, fun, spiritually based, challenging, rewarding and involves making new friends and engaging on a really deep and meaningful level with people.

As they say in the Promises :

The AA Promises


If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not.

They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

They will always materialize if we work for them.

Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous p83-84

Good luck!
CAthy31
x

1_day@_a_time

AND, whatever you do, DO NOT DO IT ALONE...........

A forum like this is great, suggest you use it as a supplement.

rum1961drinker

Thanks for all the support! I will not be doing it alone. I have my family and you guys here. My current thinking is--we move in to our new house and I stop smoking. I've been smoking for 25 years but for the last 5 years I've been not smoking at work and for the last 1.5 years I have not been smoking in my car so I have gone 10-12 hours without smoking. I use nicotine gum and it helps with the cravings so much that I've been thinking of quiting for a while. My wife quit smoking when I moved out of state for my new job and we've already agreed to no smoking in the new home. I will also attend an AA meeting after the move. Right now the car I drive really stands out and I don't want to drive it to an AA meeting. I'm going to give myself a few weeks to complete the smoking quitting before I attack the alcohol problem. I think the cigerette to gum transition will not be too difficult at all. If anyone else has gone through quitting both bad activities around the same time then I have a question. Should I go through the gum program where I slowly chew less and less gum (I think it's a 3 month plan) first or should I maintain the gum on a full level (just replacing smoked nicotine for gum nicotine) and then start cutting back on the gum only after I've been dry for a few weeks.

As an aside, I've never visited the AA website until today and posted my original question expecting to get yes or no answers. Now today I see that the website says "Only you can decide. No one in A.A. will tell you whether you are or not. "