drgnfly30

I am one person at home & a totally different person to the outside world.. My home life is a pathetic mess, heck.. I'm a pathetic mess, so unsure of myself, walking on eggshells, afraid to speak my mind for fear of retaliation - AH makes me feel sooo stupid & worthless. At work I'm a confident, outgoing, smart, well liked person that people look up to.... People tell me that I'm the smartest person they know, if they need help, I'm the first person they seek out - I gently laugh & thank them but assure them that I am definately "not all that"... if they only knew....

Does anyone else live this lie? No one, and I mean no one, outside of me & my kids knows anything about the life we live... some friends/coworkers know that H is an A, but have no idea what a living hell my nights are... I feel ashamed... which is the true me? who am I deceiving? am I being deceitful? Things seem to be coming to a head lately & I'm finding it hard to balance everything....

Christine

walkingtheline

Girl, you need to RUN to several places:

1st, the mirror. See that person looking back at you? Look into her eyes?
See that strength deep in there? That's a person who can, should she so choose, be 100% of the time 2nd, run to a meeting. Lots of them. Learn, learn, learn.

3rd, run to the library or the book store. Get your own reference library going.

4th, run back to that mirror. There's no shame there...just someone growing stronger every day.

One day at a time.

wraybear

Christine, yes, i have felt this way. Very similar situation at work too. I am the one people come to for help and part of that is because I don't have any boundaries and I can't say no. Then, in some sort of strange way, unconsciously, I guess that is how I get my self worth, is at work "oh she will do it, we can always count on her."
But, I have been working on that issue this past year. I read a book with a group at church titled "Boundaries" and it has really helped. It digs into your past a little and gives some ideas on why we are the way we are. And why, this not being able to say no, or say that is unacceptable is against our nature and then from there you can figure out what to do about it. Very insightful book.

You ask who are you deceiving? You are deceiving yourself. By accepting this "unworthiness" from him, you are hurting yourself and possibly the kiddos too. As they are learning this too. It is a form of abuse. I am not telling you this to put blame or shame on you whatsoever, believe me, i have lived this same life for a very long time. Just now starting to get out of it some... and I really think this book helped. Plus, I am in a support group at my church - we read it together.
There is also a good book, it is a Christian book and for the life of me I can't think of it right now, but it is about SHAME. It also helped me realize that a lot of the feelings I have are shame based... not feeling good enough, etc. And that we need to look to God for our self worth, not other human beings. Human beings will always dissappoint us, it is just the nature of the beast.

I hope you can find some peace soon. I know this is a tough life we lead. Maybe getting some support and not keeping this a secret any longer will help you and your children start to heal.

Peace to you! SOON!!!

FormerDoormat

Wow, what can I add after fabulous responses like these? So, I'll just add a hug (((((Dragonfly))))).

JessicaNAJ

Yes - I have been there. Right where you are. It's hard to not let you personal life interfer with your work. If you are able to do that then you must be a very strong person.

I agree with those above. Look in the mirror. You don't have to live two lives.

queenofthehwy

Do your kids see the part of you, that you want them to see????

And no you are not alone, I am right there with you. I am a complete goof off at work and at home it's someone completley different, AH is a very not fun loving person.

I believe the true you comes through when your around friends that will accept you for what you are.

cwohio

Me tto - ditto to all of the above!

minnie

I am a firm believer that if I have to change myself to be with someone, then the price is far too high. I too have experienced the same thing and the emotional toll has been enormous. Never again will I put myself through the same hell, even if it means that I remain single. I am too precious to compromise myself.

Cap3

Hi drgnfly,i can relate.Ive worked for many years,and no one at work knew anything about my personal life,my life at home.When anyone asked me for my phone number suggesting that we get together after work sometime,i didnt give it to them.Saying i was to busy.They came to me to when in trouble asking for advice.I use to find this very odd,that i could give out,what i thought was great advice to others.And yet my own world,was falling apart.All was me.Who i was at work,and who i was at home.I felt total freedom at work.Of course i didnt have anyone,at work trying to tear me down,call me names,and try to make me feel awful at ,the workplace.work.That was at home.lol.I never felt that i was decieveing anyone.Not everyone needs to know my personal life.So at that time,i was happy when things and people were good to me.Sad,angry,and turned into something else when people,were not.I saw that i was,letting myself be controled by how others treated me,especially luved ones.Naturally i felt like i was 2 different people,all in one.That changed for me,when i came to the recovery programs.Where i learend that my luved one is a sick person.My self worth,at that time, depended on others.Only to learn that it needs to be ,only on how i feel about myself.I needed alot of work to do,on self.,through living in the 12 steps.So that i could better accept others no matter what they say or do.And to grow,learn and to be the best person i can be ,,through that Power greater than I.I also came to realize that what a sick person says to me,or about me,that,.this is really how they feel about themselves.And that it has nothing at all to do with me.That was a load of my back.Today i dont feel as torn as i did back then.Because today,what sick folks say doesnt have the power to affect me in the same way as,it did, back then.And have grabed a sence of humor,about myself. I feel freedom whever i go, who im with today.It no longer depends on what others say or do.,how im feeling,about myself.Self-worth.Self-esteem.Self love.Not the braging love,thats ego....No.self love,accepting who i am,and knowing that im growing.Im not perfect and no one else is either..lol...But all these words have "self" in them.This,is,not,for me dependant on others,what they say or do.It comes from inside,through God,s grace,.And my part which is,reading and applying the recovery programs.Prayer.Helping others.And to leave all the complaining,assentments,judging,to da others.Who think they know who i am...lol...Today i personally dont give out advice.I find it better to ask questions of another,let them work program into their lives,and let them find their answers.Supporting,them,along their way.Or just share.Like im doing here...smile..I started doing this,a while back.And personally have found,that their answers are much better than any advice that i could,have, handed, out to them.Different strokes for different folks..
Thanks for letting me share,,
God Bless,,take care!!!!!!

rara

Dragonfly,

I feel the way you do constantly, although I don't have kids That makes it much harder to live the double life, although I am sure it also brings you great joy when things are bad. I agree with the other posts--get to a meeting, get some books, don't let this take away your self-worth!

Things got so bad for me this past summer that I nearly filed for divorce--not to say I won't someday. I was burnt out, despairing, lowest of lows. I have an "evil" stepdaughter who was here all summer and between that and the A things were, to me, as bad as they can get. I ended up telling some family and friends about what was really going on. I got a lot of support but I also felt embarrassed, ashamed, guilty for baring it all.

I don't know if I regret it, sometimes I do, but at the time I just couldn't NOT talk about it. So, I am not saying you should or shouldn't tell others (work is a different story), but in my case it did feel like a huge burden was lifted. It is a double-edged sword. I at least felt validated, finally, people saw it and understood me. I don't want sympathy! But to be understood is no small thing. I guess I think it may be helpful for you to tell one or two people who you trust. ??? Everyone is different.

I am not trying to give advice, but I do know how hard it is to live the double life and have people coming to you for help when you are feeling like such a mess. I have recommended the book(s), "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews many times. She has a web site, gettingthemsober.com ( I like the books more than the forums.) If you don't know it already, I think you would find it really helpful, she addresses this kind of stuff and much more. Keep us posted.