JennyK

My MIND was telling me to just leave him alone this morning and go to work. Of course I did not, I went in to the bedroom and talked to him.

He is still furious and started yelling again.

I told him that if all the things he said were true then we needed serious help. I also told him that I was not going to live in this house with him if he started to drink again. He quickly said that he was not. I HAVE a plan and will follow through. He also said that I should not take the kids out of the house and if it came to that, he would leave.

I apologized for calling his therapist. I really am sorry that I did that. He feels totally betrayed. I told him that I love him. Then I left.

It is taking ALL of my power to be here at work. Puffy eyed and on the verge of tears and throwing up.

Remind me again what I need to do...I seem to have lost all of my knowledge.

Jenny

queenofthehwy

You can do this. It would probably be better if he did leave so the kids could stay in thier home like he said. Has it came to that, like he said?

I don't want to sound negative, but if you set that boundry and don't keep it, he is bound to repeat the behaviour. I know he said he won't drink again, but do you think he can really do that?

You are doing so good, don't stop now girl, you have come too far!!!!

With all that said you do what you feel is in the best intrest for you and your kids.

((((((Hugs))))))

minnie

Jenny

As Queen says, you can do this. What "this" is, is up to you. I see he says that he's not drinking again - so what was last night all about?

I know that he feels betrayed by your call to the therapist, but try and put this into context. He has been making for promises for x years - isn't that betrayal too? Please don't let him guilt you. You were not grassing on him, you were concerned for his safety.

I know you have a boundary of him not drinking - some kind of consequence has to come from this, otherwise it's an empty threat. But maybe you're not ready to implement your plan just yet. That's OK. It's allowed!

(((hugs)))

Minnie
xxxx

JennyK

My plan WAS that I would take the kids and go to my friend's house if he came home drunk. I was ready to do that, instead he left. Then I freaked out. Then he came home and I did not leave (the kids were sleeping and he went right to bed).

He said this morning that he is NOT going to drink again. I don't believe him. And I WILL take the kids and leave when he comes home drunk again. He knows this now.

It is his rage that is freaking me out. I have never seen it before and I am not sure how to cope.

Jenny

minnie

Don't you think that it's actually rage at himself? That doesn't make it any more acceptable, however, may help you be able to step back a little.

Keep yourself safe.

equus

Is there anyone at work that you can talk to?

I told my line manager. I don't know her or like her that much but it meant I got works counselling and at least it took a weight of my mind. Now if things get really rough at least I won't have to invent any stories or bust a gut pretending nothing is wrong.

I don't even know if this is possible where you work I just know what it's like to try and hide something like this.

I'm sorry I haven't got anything better to offer.

best

Jenny

I am a firm believer that things fall into place and happen as they do for a reason.
As we learn and grow, trials come along that teach us and help us grow.

Reading over the things you are thinking as being wrong that you did...
I am seeing things happening for the better even though the plan didn't go as you would have liked. I am seeing so much love and care coming out of you and love covers a multitude of wrongs.
Hold strong. You are doing ok.

What is that saying? ahh yes

As I learned better I did better.
Lessons learned, today is a better day for sure.

EndOfRoadWife

It is probably rage that he is losing control and he may feel that he is losing you and his kids...Just a total loss of control..I would not feel guilty about calling the therapist if I were you..You gotta do what you gotta do..Hang in there Jenny!

JessicaNAJ

Jenny - If his rage scares you then you need to do what's necessary to protect yourself emotionally.

My AH would get really mean anytime he drank hard liquor. He was okay on beer, but on the hard stuff - I kept my distance, I knew, too, that I needed to keep my mouth shut or it would get worse.

It could very well be that he's mad at himself for his behavior and since he cannot blame himself, he's trying to blame you. Don't feel bad about calling his therapist. You did what you needed to do at the time. and I know that two wrongs don't make a right, but it was because of his behavior that prompted you to make that call.

Magichappens

Jenny,
None of us gets it "right". We learn through trial and error, support of others, and willingness to get better. Just the fact that you are trying things and listening to others suggestions shows that you are getting better. Remember that a short time ago, you couldn't even look at yourself and the part you played in your own misery. You are growing. It may not be where you want to be, but it's a heck of a lot better than where you were. Hugs, Magic

rivercitybelle

I think you may have seen what the disease can create... a raging alcoholic.

I saw this happen with my xAH. You can't reason with them in a drunken rage... if you yell back they continue to yell, if you say nothing they continue to yell. It seemed to me that he wanted an excuse for whatever and my admission that is was all my fault whatever all was. For many years, I went along with that - fine.. it's my fault - just so I could have peace in the house for a while. I'm not sure that was a coping skill as much as a survival skill. However, one day I decided that 'it was not my fault' and the ranting & raving got much, much worse. My xA would go through all this DRAMA and then not remember it in the morning and think all should be well with the world... it's certainly wasn't in my world.

So I guess my answer to your question is that you cope the best way you can and only you can decide what's best for you...

Just remember to keep yourself & your kids safe...

escape artist

jenny - keep working on your detachment and follow your plan. he does what he does and you will do what you intended. you allready told him once, why do you need to tell him again? it's fearful, but i think there is a thing from al-anon that might help you with this- maybe it's the one that goes "mind your own business".
it's scary but you allready set your boundary, keep the courage to follow through- i'm praying for you! (do you have one of those little al-anon books which you could be flipping through the pages til you find the one that will help you get centered again?)
maybe try the serenity prayer- or the Let Go and Let God- maybe that one- you let go- now let God handle it. hope a bit of this helps you.

gelfling

On pi**ing them off. I think I did it intentionally to relieve my anger and frustration. If he fought with me, then I could fight back. It's an attention getter. The wrong kind, but it does put focus on me.

You don't need to be told what to do. You already know. We're here to support and love you. Be kind to yourself. Get a cup of tea/coffee and a donut. That usually makes me feel better.