JennyK

my husband came home drunk today. I had a bad feeling all day and was not totally shocked.

I did the wrong thing and totally screamed at him.

Then I told him that I was sticking with my boundary and taking the kids to my friends house and staying with her.

He told me that was stupid and that he would leave.

Then he screamed at me for 1/2 hour and then stormed out.

I paniced. We have been together for 14 years and we have never fought like that. He has never walked out. I have never told him to leave. He has never screamed at me. I have never screamed at him. (Thank God the kids we in the bathtub making a lot of noise).

I called his therapists emergency line. I had no idea what he was planning to do when he left. I was very worried. His therapist told me he understood my need to stick with my boundary and he also understood my concern. It is FREEZING here tonight and for all I knew he could have gotten a bottle of whiskey and passed out in a snow bank. I told his therapist that I was going to go look for him. He said that I should not take the kids with me. So I called my best friend and she said she would be right over (asked no questions...LOVE that woman).

Before she arrived, my husband came home, a bit drunker and just as furious. When he found out I had called his therapist (who DOES have permission to talk to me), he lost it. He screamed screamed and told me that he did not want to be married to me and that he hated me. That without the kids he would kick ME out the door. He really lost it. I was totally silent.

He went to bed. Telling me that I have to come to his therapy appointment next week and then he would tell me what he really thinks of me.

I am shocked and then again...not really.

I should not have called anyone and I should have taken the kids and left. I did screw up.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I have never experienced anything like this.

Jenny

JT

(((Jenny)))

You sound so rational about it all. Shock??

You are not the only one who screwed up here so don't take it all on. Sure you reacted, but you know it. Sure you made some calls, but that was motivated by worry for him after he walked out. You have a lot invested...

You can't avoid tomorrow so just do your best to act and not re-act.

Hugs,
JT

JennyK

I am not sure how to do that. My instinct is to just continue to be quiet and go to work and let him sit with all of this.

I have NEVER thought he thought badly of me and he RAGED at me tonight.

Part of me must be in denial that he really thinks the things that he said...thinking that instead he was just so furious with himself and that he was scared that I was seriously going to leave.

I don't even know what I would say to him. and I might sound rational, but I am sobbing.

Jenny

JessicaNAJ

Jenny - I'm so sorry for your pain tonight. One thing I've learned through all these years with my AH is that alcohol does bad things to nice people.

Stick to your boundaries. You are doing the best you can with the situation you are given. Hang in there.

Don't be so hard on yourself - tomorrow is another day.

I wish I could say something to make this better. Here's a shoulder for you.

Big hugs (((())))

JT

I think the above is true....that he was scared, too. He walked out, which you say is not like him? You say you have never fought like that? I think he may very well have been as afraid of what was happening as you were.

And when he got home and discovered you called his therapist that is when he raged. You may have crossed a line there, but like I said above, from what you said your motives were all good. There is nothing like fear to make us act crazy.

You are not going to know where he is at about it all until tomorrow. Being quiet, going to work and letting him sit is a plan...a good one. Then some time can pass...feelings can get settled and maybe a truce.

Where are you at?? After all...he is the one who came home drunk!

((Hugs))
JT

JennyK

Where am I at?


Well, I just want to go to bed and forget about it all. And that is what I did for 10 years. I FINALLY did what I said I was going to do and did it wrong.

Yes, he is the one who came home drunk. He has done that a million times. I am the one who did something different and it certainly freaked us both out.

I just want to go in bed and go to sleep with him. But I think I will just sleep on the couch tonight.

Jenny

cwohio

(((jennyk))) i am so sorry for your pain! he knew he messed up and that's probably why he was so mad! i am soooo sorry!

JT

Jenny...change does that.

Big, fat, sloppy hugs to you,
JT

wraybear

Jenny, sorry for your pain tonight. I have been there. I hope that is just a tiny tiny comfort to know someone knows how you feel.

He said things he didn't mean to divert the "problem" into YOUR problem to take the focus off him and put the focus on his "screaming" crazy wife. That's what they do, and that's what we do to ourselves. Then we begin to think we really are crazy.
You are very capable of stopping the craziness.

I have always felt better when I took the kiddos and left for a couple hours. But, that is another resentment I had.. it is MY home, why should I have to leave - why should a drunk have the comfort of being in his own home???? But, for my peace and the peace of the kids, it always was better when we left - every single time.

I know the progressiveness of this disease can be very difficult. Jenny, he has come so far recently and so have you. There is hope for you and him to recover. You are so strong. You obviously learn from your past and adjust accordingly. That is awesome!

Don't kick yourself too much. You did what you were feeling. I hope you can get a peaceful nights sleep knowing tomorrow is a new day! And, he will probably be super apologetic - which doesn't mean squat... but at least he knows he has a problem and that problem is filtering down into his family. Many of our A's are still in total denial.

Prayers going up for you and your husband.

Take care.

sarah13

I am so sorry you are feeling all the pain you are. He is the one with the problem-you reacted differently than ever before but certainly with his best in mind....please dont feel guilty-If ANYONE should be on that couch its him.
Sometimes we just snap. We are human. I am truly impressed that you've been together this long and its never gone down like this before.
Get some rest- wherever you can get the best rest- worrying never helps-maybe when he sobers up, he will apologize and realize your reactions were reasonable considering his.
Recently, I flipped out(as unlike you, I frequently do) but what I did was unlike anything I had done before- I decided to discuss his ongoing and worsening problems with his parents- he flipped on me when he found out and said awful things to me when he was drunk, told me to get out- honestly I was shocked- but I just get to bed and surprisingly the next day- there was no fight and later in the week he said something to the effect that he knows I wouldnt do that to hurt him and that I probably care alot to do what I did........
Hang in there- time and sobriety changes their opinions of what actually happened.

zoe

Please don't let yourself get to worked up. My H and I have just recently had a very similar experience. He started rageing at me saying he was tired of hearing my voice. I said "Well you don't have to hear it ever again." I then hung up the phone and did not answer it for 3 days. I did not call him back, I did not answer his pleading to please pick up the phone. When I finally did talk to him he said he was very sorry and he had been just miserable over the whole conversation. I was to angry over the attack to really feel anything other than wanting out but I learned something about my H. He may have spoken to me like he never has befor but that is his rage to deal with, he was striking out at me due to his own frustration. I don't know what tomorrow will bring you but rest easy knowing if this is the first time he has lashed out at you he will most likely be very contrite tomorrow. I do hope this is the case.
Big Hugs
Zoe

queenofthehwy

((((Jenny))))

I am so sorry. I'm no good with words, but I'm thinking of you.

gelfling

Hi Jenny,

Don't anticipate what might happen tomorrow. He may wake up just peachy. Then you'll really want to slap the stuffing out of him.

Try and grab some zzzzzzz's. Say a prayer for peace of mind and heart. Breathe deeply and sleep.

Hugs,

FormerDoormat

Jenny:

My heart skipped a beat when I read the subject of your post. I opened it with a heavy heart, for I knew I'd find suffering inside. Don't beat yourself up over this, you are human and therefore prone to making mistakes. We all are. You did the best you could with the situation at hand. And please don't believe for one minute that your husband hates you. That's simply not true. He hates himself. He hates his addiction. He hates the thought of losing you and your children. He knows his life is spiraling out of control, yet he's powerless to stop himself from falling. He says he hates you because he's desperately sick and he hates himself for being so weak. He hates himself more than you and I could ever understand. My heart goes out for you and my heart goes out for your poor husband.

The only thing you can do is try your best to detach yourself from the situation and turn it completely over to God. Detaching yourself will allow you to assess the situation with a clear head so you can focus on what you need to do to take care of yourself and your children. You don't have to make any decisions now. In fact, it's best to cool down first. Hasty decisions are rarely sound decisions.

Here's a hug for you. I'm holding on tight and I won't let go until you're ready to stand on your own.

Nina Kay

Jenny, I just wanted to say too, that I'm really sorry that you are going through so much hurt. You do seem to be handling things well, though. Remember: Progress, Not Perfection. ********{HUGS}}}}}

brightlight

It happens to me. We have been married for 13 years and I never lost it until really this last year. I will scream after I have told myself never again. Now I preach. I tell myself I am going to ignore him and just let him and when I do that he kind of slows down on the drinking, and then I get mad because he will go back to the same ways right when I thought it was getting better. I did real good yesterday and then today he went to the bar and instead of ignoring him I went over and talked to him. I am an idiot!!!!!!!! You would think I was a preacher or something. I will say stuff like how wrong he is and then turn right around and say stupid stuff like if he can go to the bar I will and I will not be home at night. He will just say okay and then I get in a rage because he does not care if go to a bar. I know he does and would have a fit, but why I react like this puppet I have not a clue. I quit worrying about him going out and falling in the snow. I am so twisted I want him to fall in the snow and learn a lesson. Not really, but I do not feel pain when he does like I use to. He stumbles or falls and I feel nothing. He had a fit the other day in a restaurant. He had drank all day and I should have not let him go with us, but he wanted to go eat with us and there he acted nuts. Scared our daugher and told us he wanted to die. Cussed and acted like a fool. I took him back to the bar and then our little boy told me it was my fault because I would not let Daddy come home. I told him the next day it was A FREAKING NIGHTMARE! He just agrees and says he will change. He will try things like coming in real late and then he is very sorry the next day. I think he is really mad at me for some reason and I do not know why. He hates himself that is for sure. You did not do anything wrong. I stepped over the line and called his boss. He had promised to not go to the bar for three days so our daughter could go to something important for her and we wanted to trouble and go to bed early, so she could be rested, he went and I called the boss. I had told him if he went I would and should never have said that, but did. His boss really did not care to listen to me, but he heard. My husband was so mad at himself the the restaurant thing and for going when he promised he wouldn't, that he did not get too mad at me. I have said I will go to the motel or somewhere, but never do. I had to on vacation though. Went to see his brother and they went out drinking and the brother's girlfriend was mad and it was real late and we went to find them. Had a big fight and my husband told me to get walking down the road with the kids and he was not picking us up. The girlfriend took us to a motel. Next day my husband was so sorry, but he had got back to his brother's house and went to sleep and never knew we were not there until he woke up the next day. The kids were at church today and I had to work and thought he would pick them up, but he went to the bar and said after he had his pitcher of beer he would go get them!!!!!!!!!!!!! I said, like heck you are. I have stopped the yelling, but now I have to stop the preaching. When I act like I am happy and have a life then he comes home more. I decided that I do not even want to be around me and why should he. I am fixing my nonsense. I am working on me and I am very busy, but when I start my preaching he leaves for the bar. LOL I do not blame him. Don't feel bad, he will feel real bad tomorrow.

equus

Jenny,

I'm so sorry this happened - I had so many fingers and toes crossed too!!

Please don't beat yourself up just because you can see a better way you could have handled things - only people that CAN'T do that fail to ever learn. It wasn't you who came home drunk.

I wish I had some wise words but I don't except that you don't deserve this.

minnie

Oh Jenny, I am so sorry to hear that this has happened.

You know, whatever he said to you, and about you, was probably really about how he feels about himself. He's had a glimpse of what a sober life could be like and he screwed it up. I believe that a lot of As drink in the first place because if an unknown fear, so imagine what a "known" fear would do?

Are you ready to carry out your plan? Maybe not just yet, but perhaps you can stay with a friend for a few days and get your thoughts straight. I know that I would find it impossible with all the drama in the air.

Keep coming back here, sweetheart. You can lean on us for a while.

Love

Minnie
xxx

best

hahahaha Sorry but at times the truth can be so funny


Jenny many times the words that come out are not the true feelings inside.
A self-defense of sorts is to lash out with harsh words. It isn’t right to do but it is what happens. If he follows through on wanting you to go to the therapist with him…
Remember that words that come out are not always what are inside.
If I lash out and say I hate you, what may be inside… I don’t like myself and don’t know how to change those feelings.
Let his words fall on deaf ears and allow the therapist to work through things.

Only thing you may have done wrong…screamed out your emotions.

And in love…
You stuck to your boundaries
You started doing for you what you feel you need to do
You reached out in love for his concern
You tried to look after his health because you felt he wasn’t able to do so for himself.

A lesson learned that a little fine-tuning would correct things if a next time ever happens.

Hope you are resting well and wake to a better, more peace filled day.