emily33

In any normal marriage and relationship there are two grown adults, making decisions together, consulting one another of future events, planning for future, for retirement, what they are going to do when the children are grown, talk about their goals, and not meet in the middle always, but come to some medium, and while coming to some medium, respect each other's opinions and above all respect each other while discussing options.

I am not in a normal relationship, I cannot expect normal things to happen. I cant even expect to have a normal conversation.

emily33

I cant even have one with mine when he is completly sober. I have to fill that emptyiness somehow, so that is something I can work on.

I want to be in an adult, normal conversation that has nothing to do with him. I want to converse, I want to be conversed, lol

walkingtheline

Emily, I am so impressed by your postings. They are a combination of affirmations and things-to-ponder. It's obvious you are thinking these things through and then posting your discoveries. Every day you send my mind into new pathways to walk and consider.

Thanks.

Gooch

I don't even seem to have "normal" ( whatever that is) conversations when I talk to myself..

they are however entertaining, sometimes enlightening, and help to pass the time.

minnie

Don't forget, normal is a setting on a washing machine.

Healthy on the other hand.....

day - i can totally relate to that. My ex had (and still has) all these grand ideas that are totally not based in reality. And they would only come true if I made them happen. My reality was so not the same as his reality.

ggnewme

I couldn't believe some of the conversations - and yes the grand plans and fantasies that came out of his mouth. Now at least he knows that none of those things have a snowball's chance in hell of happening if he doesn't stay sober.

Not that his life will magically fall into place just by quitting drinking. Surely that is the first step, but I expect that a person who has so long remained in arrested development will have a really hard time adjusting to even the day to day, one foot in front of the other kind of stuff....

cwohio

normal - minnie is so right - normal ain't necessarily right or healthy for us! i hear the same stuff over and over and OVER and OVER! nothing new, always the same stuff from the past! thanks goodness i have my job, al-anon, and other venues to get some conversation. but it is sad isn't it!

drgnfly30

Just the other night my AH announced that we would be "beyond rich" soon because he'd be hitting the lottery - he doesn't play the lottery... a half hour later, while watching a preview of Sly Stallones new reality series, he boasted that in the next few years he was going to be the next Sly Stallone - WHAT???!!! I just ignore him - but it still baffles me where he comes up with these grandiose fantasies!

Christine

ggnewme

The lottery! Yes - that is totally my BF - it used to be the only "plan" he had for riches, even though he'd spend $ faster on booze than on tickets! I guess someone who usually drinks away their problems will have difficulty grasping the idea of financial stability through, oh I don't know... WORKING EVERY DAY?!?!

Too funny....

queenofthehwy

I don't even try anymore, I just don't understand his way of thinking it's so warped, twisted, backwards, bizzare, well you get the idea. Anytime we try to have a conversation, I just shake my head in utter amazement of his logic or lack of!!!

emily33

It is because my idea of normal is not his idea of normal.

What was I trying to say here. I miss having an intelligent conversation, with a partner that is not so self absorbed. I miss having a two sided conversation. hmmmmmmmmmm maybe I am not putting this into words well. erggggggggg

queenofthehwy

You are, I get you.

walkingtheline

I thought you said it perfectly.

What you have is not what you want or need. You expressed it very clearly.
Your posts always give me much to ponder and I SO appreciate that.

ggnewme

No, emily - right- sorry, I went off on a little tangent there - suffice it to say it looks like we all have been in those "what the hell is he talking about?" conversations - sometimes I wonder if I'm even in the same room.

You are right - adults who are committed to eachother and eachother's future should be able to have kind, empathatic, respectful, pithy conversations motivated by love, and that should be the tone of 99% of their conversations.

Like Day said, some people have a hard time doing this even if they aren't alcoholics. The common element, like you said, is probably the self absorption (even though it's a disease in this case).

how to deal with it? Right - well, you can seek these conversations with others, and they can be emotionally fufilling. Somehow though, it would be nice to be on that level with your mate, wouldn't it? We all deserve that...

Magichappens

((Emily))
Letting go of the idea that things were going to be the way I expected them to be left me feeling hopeless and helpless. Having a support group helped me to develope relationships that could give me the sense of care, understanding, and love that I was looking for from my sick spouse. It may not be the way I planned it, but it's much better than what I was doing before. Hugs, Magic

dreamcatcher

Normal conversation???? It would be nice if they could just remember what was said 5 minutes after they say it.

wraybear

Dreamcatcher, that was way too funny.

Emily, I know what you mean about you can't expect to have a normal conversation. It is so sad too. Our dreams of marriage have been shattered by this addiction.

As a matter of fact, we can't EXPECT anything, period. Such is life with an addict.
It is so sad.

Okay, Dreamcatcher, its time for something funny again!

brightlight

I cannot have a normal conversation or life with somebody that does not care about their health or even plan on being here with me when we retire. I have no partner. He does not care I might have to live on one income. There are no plans for the future together, just me pushing and prodding him to think of the future. I decided to go to the gym again. There are healthy people there at least that want to live.