Hedy

Hi everybody,

My name is Hedy and I am afraid that online meetings are not going to help me stay sober. The thing is, I was in AA for five years in the 90's but started drinking again when I got accepted to an art school in CA. Now I live in Las Vegas and I think one reason I haven't started this earlier is that there are no meetings in my part of town, or if there are, they are really hard to find. So I am going to try this NOW. I need to stop.

I began drinking when I was about 14 years old and the first time I drank I had a blackout and scared everyone at the party. I blackout drank my way through high school and when I was 19 and had my first boyfriend, I started going to AA. I do not drink very much and up til now I have been reluctant about trying to stop because I am afraid that if I ADMIT that I DO have a serious problem and I try to stop I may fail. The thing is I don't drink to get drunk EVERYTIME I drink, just when I am sad, and I hardly ever drink but I am NEVER SAFE. I could get drunk right now and have another blackout tonight, or next month or tomorrow. I am pretty sure that I am a functioning alcoholic even though SOMETIMES I open a beer and don't even finish it.

I spent the last year and a half having surgery after surgery, trying to fix my body and trying to avoid cancer and last night the doctors office called out of the BLUE and told me that my last general "test" came back abnormal and I have to go BACK IN FOR MORE. I know my doctor's phone number by heart and I thought this was over but it is evidentally not. I want to have a family and it does not look like I am going to be able to. Adoption is not an option at this point, so please don't say, "you can always adopt." I can't unless I divorce my husband and I am not ready to do that. I love him too much to even consider that.

So last night I had a DOOZY of a blackout and I even CALLED THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE, according to my husband. They were obviously closed but I am sure I talked to the operator. I NEED to go to this doctor. I am so embarrassed. I think I may remember that I tried to call the number and somehow the operator blocked my number because at some point I couldn't get through. I am SOOO freaked out because I need to go to the doctor and I am so afraid because what if this news gets back to the office?

Anyway, I need to stop drinking altogether. I need to do it for my husband if not for myself. I hate myself. I don't want to live if I can't have kids. I am 35 and the clock is not only ticking, but I have to stop trying now because I have a problem and have to go in for more biopsies and maybe more surgery. I just started a Master's program that I will have to DROP if I need surgery again, ESPECIALLY if I end up having to have a hysterectomy.

I am sad and freaked out and sooooooo disappointed. I am greatful every second for my husband and our two cats, and our house(s) and all of our "stuff." But what made God decide that I wouldn't make a good mom? My husband has two kids from a previous marriage and I am afraid that when they come to visit this summer they will let the cats out! If my cats get lost I don't know what I will do. I really don't. I am going to be at the meeting tonight at 6:30. I already tried to find a meeting in my city and I can't even find one, so I hope that I am able to figure this online thing out.

Thanks for reading this and please, if you have advice about how I can get and stay sober I NEED it. Just thinking that I am going to try to stop drinking makes me want a drink. There is tons of alcohol in the house and I can't ask my husband to throw it out. AND, with all of my health problems, I have adopted LORTAB as my DOC and now I have to go another round with the doctors... I have LORTAB AND VICODIN in my house now and I have begun taking it for the mind altering affects. Pretty soon I will have to take it for PAIN. I don't want to sit in my ___ but I am PANICKING and I think that is another symptom of alcoholism.

Thanks again,
Hedy

Anna

Hi Hedy,

I did a google search and found this for AA information and meetings in Las Vegas. Hopefully it will be helpful to you.

http://www.lvcentraloffice.org/

If you decide to stop drinking you need to do it for yourself. Getting sober is not something that you can do for your husband or for anyone else. But, if you decide to stop, you can do it with help for us here at SR. It sounds like you are having some issues with depression and anxiety. Both of those are made worse or maybe even caused by alcohol. Your depression/anxiety may come under control if you stop drinking. If not, maybe you can speak to your dr about that. I'm an alcoholic myself and have no experience with drugs, but I know from being around SR that Vicodin is really addictive and hard to get off. Again, it would be a really good idea to talk to your dr about your problem with the drugs.

Keep visiting and you'll be inspired!

Anna

Hedy

Anna,

Thank you so much for that LINK !!!

CAPTAINZING2000

Well,

if you went to AA for 5 years, I hope you got how this program works. Being sober is your no. 1 priority. Do it for you not your hubby. Sounds like you got a lot of fear going on right now. Try a little prayer, ask for God's help. Do what ever it takes to find a meeting. Why did you stop going? I'm glad you posted. It keeps my butt in a seat at an AA meeting. You've helped other people by posting what happens when you stop going to AA.

I hope Anna found some AA meetings close to where you live. Just because you don't drink every day does not mean you're not an alkie.

KelKel

(((Hedy)))
Welcome back

polkadot

(((((((((Hedy)))))))))))))) I am in the same boat, kinda. I have no children, i raised 2. I would love to have a baby but I have never been pregnant. I love my animals and treat them like children. Just let your husband about the children being extra careful to not let the cats out. Maybe have the rule to put the pets in another room before opening a door to the outside. Thats what i ask of my stepdaughter and it works, she is 25 now. but casper, my cat, is very curious about outside and i don't won't to worry about someone giving him an opportunity to get out.

Meetings are face to face and really keep us sober. Good luck finding a meeting!! this site is priceless to me. I have found so much support here. love, dot

Chy

Hi Hedy!
We're glad to have you here! You'll find a lot of support. Give AA a try again. Nothing to loose ya know! *hugs*

Jupiter2

I Hedy,

Try AA again. Five years is a lot of time and you probably know how at least some of it works. I think Captainzing said it all when he said staying sober is your (our) number 1 priority. I need to hear that too so I appreciate those words. I too was in AA about 15 years ago for a year and a half and I knew about how some of the program worked. I even "made it" to the fourth step. Obviously I didn't really "make it". I was very young and damn foolish, so I didn't work it fully. My current sponsor and many others assure me there is nothing we can't get through if we work the steps every day in our lives (took my first step with my sponsor last Thursday myself).

I have to say that I know AA is not the only way to get sober but I know it is working for me a little more every day.

Hope you can sort this all out and try a meeting.

My prayers are with you.

Hedy

Thanks all of you so much for you replies. I am sitting here at 3 o'clock in the morning and feel like I have had 10 cups of coffee. I don't even drink coffee anymore. My husband is in bed and I just can't bring myself to get in bed with him. I said so many horrible things to him last night. I quit smoking almost a year ago, quit drinking all caffeine close to a year ago, cut down on alcohol, quit a lot of stuff to try to get pregnant. I even have been taking tons of vitamins and herbs, and now I am just broken to find out that I have the problem - whatever it is, again and will no doubt be lucky if I make it through this without having to have a hysterectomy.

I am freaked out by all of the stuff I did last night but almost more than that I feel like in some ways I was justified. For the first time in my drinking career, I actually feel like I kind of had a right to have a complete breakdown. That doesn't change the fact that I am terrified that I may have called people and bothered them and that I said so many hurtful things to my husband. But I know that I just hurt myself by doing that and that was the whole idea. I wanted to punish myself for being weak and for being a failure.
And I succeeded in doing that. I know that my husband was hurt by me and freaked out once again by my nightmarish drinking and that is the main reason I need to stop this and go back to AA. I don't give a rat's behind for myself. I have done nothing in my life for anyone else, I have just been treading water since I was 8 years old and have barely made it through my days. I know that I need to quit for myself but the only reason why I am not considering suicide is because I am sick of always thinking that I will do it and then never doing it. I absolutely would not do that because I wouldn't want someone to find my body - that someone being my husband.

Anyway, tomorrow I get my car back and am going to go to a live meeting near my home. I need to get a Big Book and I need to feel like I really am getting sober. Right now I don't feel like that at all. I just feel like a loser with a capital L. I have school loan bills up the wazoo and no job yet. I failed at being a single woman because of alcohol, I failed at being a musician which is actually a good thing, I failed at being a restaurant employee which is also good but I am now failing at becoming a mother and being a wife. I can't believe this is my life. Thank God for this website and for you sober people who can talk sense to me. Thank you so much.

Hedy

blitz

Hi Hedy,

Wellcome to SR and to a group of wonderful people who aim at helping each other and sometimes "talking sense in some peolpe's head". Listen Hedy, you've been to the AA for 5 years so you knew you had a problem and tried to solve it, you posted us and claimed you're getting back to the AA, you know you have to do it for yourself alone and yet you want to do it for your husband too, you wanna have children... none of this would be said by a looser but rather by someone who is aware they need help, are willing to get it, a loving person who loves their cats, children, their husband; how can such a person even consider suicide? It's not logical, you're confused most likely because of the booze but clear-headed enough to seek help, get sober and lead a happy life with your husband. Get back to the AA meetings and keep us posted.

We're here for you.

dave

Wow that was a heck of a story my thoughts are with you.I jest hope you can get sober and keep going to the doctor and get this thing nipped in the bud.Your story really hit me.So as all i can say is you knew how good you felt when you where sober the first time.So try again and my thoughts are with you keep posting....

KelKel

Hi Hedy...
You have alot of stuff on your plate right now... This is why the sayings of "staying in the moment" and "one day at a time" are appropriate at times like this... I have found them good for all times in life. It is simply too overwhelming to get caught up in yesterdays regrets and tommorows unknowns.

I am glad you are planning to go back to AA... we addicted humans need each other...

Ama

(((Hedy)))

Think recovery, think of waking up sober, think of clear days and blue skies, think of that which you will gain and not the loss of a poison to your system. Recovery GIVES.....Booze.....TAKES....

I wish only good things for you....for us alllllll.....Luvs Ama

Time4Me11

Hi Hedy

I know many people here were in the depths of misery when they first logged on to SR> I know I was, and that was only 7 days ago. I am feeling so much better throught the wisdom and support that I have found here. Keep coming back and being nourished by it. I had to keep telling myself (and listening to others) that the majority of my self hatred, my fear and panic was coming from the poison (alcohol) in my system. My head and heart became much clearer and free of these negative obsessions after a few days of cleaning out.

My prayers are with you.

Hedy

Thank you so much for replying to this post.

It is Sunday morning and I got through my first day. I don't crave alcohol, but what I have accomplished is that I am still with the decision to stop drinking. I have not decided yet that I am still ok enough and that I can handle this on my own. I completely do not want to live with this ugly secret anymore and I need to get to a meeting. Thanks to Anna, I have a plan to go to a meeting tonight at 7:30. I don't feel like I can handle anything at all yet. I just need to be thankful that I am here now. *sigh* I am not in jail or dead. I know that as time passes the pit in my stomach will go away but it's not gone yet.

It is helping me a lot to be able to come here and read what people have written to me.

Thank you so much,
Hedy