benefits

I have been stuggeling with whether or not to call my exABF. He was home from work supposedly sick all week. I am tempted to call him just to see if he is okay but I don't think it is a very good idea. When we broke up we tried to stay friends and that didn't work - he is filled with a lot of anger. Over the last couple of months I have done a lot of my own recovery and I have come to the realization that I was a good person during our relationship and although I may have done some things that I may not be overly proud of (basically just checking up on him because I didn't trust him and 99% of the times that I checked up on him my suspicions were correct - he was lying) I never did anything to hurt him or cause him to hate me. The thing is the last couple of times we spoke he was extremly cruel to me and called me a whacko bitch, etc. etc. I know I'm not any of those things and I feel good about myself and I think that is why I am concerned about him - because I have no more anger toward him. I only want the best for him.
So why do I even want to call him??? I'm not exactly sure. I guess I just want to let him know that I do still care about him. Would that even make a difference to him??? Probably not. I've been resisting the urge to call but it is hard. What should I do????

Gabe

Benefits, breathe deeply and back away from the phone.
You want to let him know you care about him so what?
He can berate you over the phone again?
You know better than that.
Go for a walk, call a friend, read a good book.
The urge to call him will pass and you will feel much better.

elizabeth1979

I agree with Gabe. I would be thinking it would help me to call, but then would just make me feel like crap after I did it.

gelfling

no, no, no, no.....

JessicaNAJ

I've actually done things like this. Called b/c I cared and then when I get off the phone I end up kicking myself. Exactly what Gabe said!!

Don't call. What good are you going to get out of it.

FormerDoormat

(Virtual megaphone on)

Step away from the phone!

(Virtual megaphone off)

I agree with the others, Benefits. It's OK to care about your AB, but why allow him to berate you? We do a fine job of beating ourselves up. We don't need others to join in the fray. It's safer to care from afar and simply ask your HP to look after him.

Now go do something just for you. Buy a nice new spring dress, treat yourself to a Starbuck's carmel machiatto, browse the isles at Pier I Imports or Pottery Barn (my two personal faves), stop by a Border's books or a Barnes and Noble and pick up a good read for later tonight, take your pooch for a walk (if you have one), give yourself a manicure or treat yourself to that new hair color you've been wanting to try. These are just some things I enjoy. Add some of your favorites to the list and get out there and have some fun. Make today be all about YOU.

JennyK

I have learned that whenever I question if I should be doing something, then I should not be doing it.

Adapt my new mantra for your situation.

"Never pass up an opportunity to keep your mouth shut"

Good luck.

journeygal

Hey Benefits,

I'm a recovering phone addict and when I get the urge to call someone I know I shouldn't I ask myself why I'm doing it. If I find myself making excuses to check up on someone, I do as FD said and step away from the phone. Eventually, the urge to call will pass.

Don't put yourself through the drama - losing your serenity isn't worth it. Pray that he gets better soon and call a girlfriend instead.

Hugs,
JG

minnie

I'm a bit late to this, but can i just add another NO?

If in doubt, do nowt. (nowt=nothing in Yorkshire, England)

benefits

Well, I resisted the urge to call and this morning I'm glad I didn't call. One of my girlfriends called me yesterday and we talked for a while and then I took my son over to grandma & grandpa's and we played games. It was a good distraction. By the time I got home last night I didn't even think about calling. After all he's not my problem and he would probably just accuse me of checking up on him anyway. So he can just sit in his one room, by himself with his beer and cigarettes and be miserable all by himself. That is what he wants, or at least that's what he told me he wants. Today I think I'm going to take my son to a movie and maybe the park later.

sunshinebluesky

SOOOOOOO GLAD YOU DIDNT CALL!!!!!!!! i think i still have bruises from all the kicking ive done to myself in these situations over the years!!!!!!!!!