Feeling a little crazy.
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Join Date: May 2004
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Feeling a little crazy.
I am starting to lose the plot somewhat in regards to my relationship with my dad. Everytime i have any contact with him nowadays i get angry and weepy for days after. I am really all over the place and dont trust my own thinking. I posted this in a different area and somehow i made it about money. But that isnt what this is really about for me right now. My OTT reactions make me suspect this is more about my ACOA and codie stuff than anything.
My mum died almost 4yrs ago. After her death my dad starting spending all his time in my home and handed over other areas of his life to me in a big way. This put tremendous strain on my own family life. My husband and myself were just making the transition from street gear to a methadone taper at the time. I was also caring for my housebound gran and then 8yr old son. During that time i thought i was going to drown or my head was going to explode. But i did what i thought i needed to do anyway. I said to myself; never mind the feelings this is real life. In real life one gets on with it.
On reflection i can see i was entirely codie and over-responsible for my dad who was actually an adult. My behaviour was actually jeopardising myself, my husband and son. I had gotten my priorities wrong. I am always over-responsible for the wrong people anyway and with my dad i felt like i owed him so much. He came into my life when i was 15yrs old. He didnt drink too much, he was dependable and non-violent. I know all these things should be givens but still i was grateful. No more battle zones, no more blood, no more dead dogs, no more fear, no more police, no more care homes or any of the other things that go along with growing up around alcoholism and insanity. Didnt matter that i left home to sit in a bedsit and stick needles in my arm the following year i was still touched by his entering our life. For that year my life was turned around.
9 mths ago my dad met a women whom he started dating. At first i was pleased for him and relieved i could finally get my life back. To start with i didnt mind that he pretty much dumped me and my son at this time. I put it down to young love. But now she has moved in with him and it has got worse. It is like he has just cleared me and my son out of his life. He doesnt come to see us, he has cleared all of our stuff out of the house, he took my degree certificate and my son's drawings off the wall, asked for his front door key back which i have had since i was a teenager. He no longer does stuff with my son and recently didnt bother with his birthday. I dont think that he has done any of this deliberately. He simply moves from one mega controlling women to another; his ex-wife, my mum, me and now his new girlfriend are very similar in that respect. He doesnt think, he leaves all that to the women in his life.
I tried explaining to my dad how hurt i was feeling and he just didnt get it. He has the emotional awareness of a plank. He went and told the girlfriend who then had ago at me for not being happy he had someone in his life. That wasnt it though. I am glad he has someone even if she is awful. I am just angry at the way he has treated the rest of us. So i tried explaining it to her as i thought maybe another women might understand better but she wound up having a go at me all over again. This woman is far more forceful than me too so i dont hold my own against her very well. I hate it when i am reduced to a child in my relationship with other adults. Is this never going to get better!
I know that a large part of the reason i am so upset is a kind of martyr thing. I nearly killed myself looking after my dad and now i am feeling let down and p1ssed off. Intellectually i know that it was my choice to nearly kill myself with over-responsibility but it doesnt make it any easier right now. So i understand why i am feeling so angry but still my anger seems totally out-of-porportion. While i understand my anger i dont understand why this happening has bought up this wailing grief in me. I feel really alone in the world (i know thats not true as i have a deliciously kind husband and a scrumptious son). I miss my mum. Somehow this situation has tapped into something bigger. I want to howl for my childhood and i want to weep for my using. I want to cry for the adult me who still gets flawed so easily by this stuff and for my son who i feel very afraid for.
Sorry for the long post. I am hoping that writing it down will help me sort this out in my head. I need to get over it as it really isnt ok for me to wander around getting hysterical about this stuff. I have a responsibility to my boy not to be crazy mom anymore.
If anyone managed to get to the bottom of this long post i would appreciate any thoughts on my craziness.
My mum died almost 4yrs ago. After her death my dad starting spending all his time in my home and handed over other areas of his life to me in a big way. This put tremendous strain on my own family life. My husband and myself were just making the transition from street gear to a methadone taper at the time. I was also caring for my housebound gran and then 8yr old son. During that time i thought i was going to drown or my head was going to explode. But i did what i thought i needed to do anyway. I said to myself; never mind the feelings this is real life. In real life one gets on with it.
On reflection i can see i was entirely codie and over-responsible for my dad who was actually an adult. My behaviour was actually jeopardising myself, my husband and son. I had gotten my priorities wrong. I am always over-responsible for the wrong people anyway and with my dad i felt like i owed him so much. He came into my life when i was 15yrs old. He didnt drink too much, he was dependable and non-violent. I know all these things should be givens but still i was grateful. No more battle zones, no more blood, no more dead dogs, no more fear, no more police, no more care homes or any of the other things that go along with growing up around alcoholism and insanity. Didnt matter that i left home to sit in a bedsit and stick needles in my arm the following year i was still touched by his entering our life. For that year my life was turned around.
9 mths ago my dad met a women whom he started dating. At first i was pleased for him and relieved i could finally get my life back. To start with i didnt mind that he pretty much dumped me and my son at this time. I put it down to young love. But now she has moved in with him and it has got worse. It is like he has just cleared me and my son out of his life. He doesnt come to see us, he has cleared all of our stuff out of the house, he took my degree certificate and my son's drawings off the wall, asked for his front door key back which i have had since i was a teenager. He no longer does stuff with my son and recently didnt bother with his birthday. I dont think that he has done any of this deliberately. He simply moves from one mega controlling women to another; his ex-wife, my mum, me and now his new girlfriend are very similar in that respect. He doesnt think, he leaves all that to the women in his life.
I tried explaining to my dad how hurt i was feeling and he just didnt get it. He has the emotional awareness of a plank. He went and told the girlfriend who then had ago at me for not being happy he had someone in his life. That wasnt it though. I am glad he has someone even if she is awful. I am just angry at the way he has treated the rest of us. So i tried explaining it to her as i thought maybe another women might understand better but she wound up having a go at me all over again. This woman is far more forceful than me too so i dont hold my own against her very well. I hate it when i am reduced to a child in my relationship with other adults. Is this never going to get better!
I know that a large part of the reason i am so upset is a kind of martyr thing. I nearly killed myself looking after my dad and now i am feeling let down and p1ssed off. Intellectually i know that it was my choice to nearly kill myself with over-responsibility but it doesnt make it any easier right now. So i understand why i am feeling so angry but still my anger seems totally out-of-porportion. While i understand my anger i dont understand why this happening has bought up this wailing grief in me. I feel really alone in the world (i know thats not true as i have a deliciously kind husband and a scrumptious son). I miss my mum. Somehow this situation has tapped into something bigger. I want to howl for my childhood and i want to weep for my using. I want to cry for the adult me who still gets flawed so easily by this stuff and for my son who i feel very afraid for.
Sorry for the long post. I am hoping that writing it down will help me sort this out in my head. I need to get over it as it really isnt ok for me to wander around getting hysterical about this stuff. I have a responsibility to my boy not to be crazy mom anymore.
If anyone managed to get to the bottom of this long post i would appreciate any thoughts on my craziness.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
Hi Evanna,
I'm so sorry you're going through this now. You seem to be struggling as I am with how to make your heart catch up to your mind. It's as if we have a lot of knowledge about what's happening, and we stand as observers to our pain and our out-of-control emotions, unable to interfere.
Your description of your dad reminded me of mine and similar issues. Like your father, mine put control of his life into the hands of three very strong-willed, controlling women in succession, beginning with my mother (who moved out when I was 6). I suffered enormously at the hands of his second wife, and he played the victim, standing by with helpless detachment. And I bought this for so long. I idealized him, and all my rage was directed at the women. I eventually came to see his inability to protect his children and provide and assume responsibililty for their care and his relationships with them as entirely selfish and self-serving.
He needed these women in his life, he depended on them to make his world safe, and so if that meant relinquishing all responsibility for his relationships with others -- his children, his grandchildren -- he was prepared to do that to get his own needs met. Of course, this is all because of his own terrible wounding, but that doesnt change the awful hurt of knowing that I (and my sisters) weren't number one or even a priority, of feeling that he didn't care enough to fight for us, of feeling we were expendable. And without going into all the details, all of this came to a very sad conclusion. About 10 years ago he ended all contact with my sisters and me.
I know when I keep trying to explain my hurt to someone who is closed off from it, I am under the misguided belief that if I explain more, they will understand. I am hoping that my words and feelings will finally get through and that will mean they'll then give me what I feel so achingly without. I saw this happen over these last few days with my ex-bf (ouch , it hurts to use the ex word). I see now nothing I said, or did, would have changed his stance or the outcome. And I see myself as acting out of a desperate need, the same desperate need I've always carried to have my father's love and the little girl inside me who is searching desperately to try anything possible to get it. Explaining, bargaining, debating, arguing, pleading, and explaining some more -- all of it saying "I am hurting so much. Please love me and take care of me."
That describes very much how I have felt this week as I kept making contact with K. It tells me that this little girl still needs so much love. And I'm going to need to find another way to give it to her. I have to find a way love her better myself, and let her feel love from those who are able to give it to her. I have to break the pattern of setting myself up to seek love where it cannot be found. I have to stop setting myself up by repeating the patterns off the past.
I know how much that hurts. We don't get the response from the person we want, so our desperate need tries another route. And we get re-injured all over again.
I too wonder sometimes when will all the grief from the past will be done with. I get frustrated, and I know this is part of learning to have compassion for myself. It took a long time for all that hurt to get in there, it's going to take a long time for it to come out.
Evanna, I don't think you're crazy at all. You're feeling hurt and pain that makes perfect sense. It just sucks though that we have to go through this again and again till we get better and better at caring for ourselves.
I hope the day brings you some peace. I'm thinking of you
gf
I'm so sorry you're going through this now. You seem to be struggling as I am with how to make your heart catch up to your mind. It's as if we have a lot of knowledge about what's happening, and we stand as observers to our pain and our out-of-control emotions, unable to interfere.
Your description of your dad reminded me of mine and similar issues. Like your father, mine put control of his life into the hands of three very strong-willed, controlling women in succession, beginning with my mother (who moved out when I was 6). I suffered enormously at the hands of his second wife, and he played the victim, standing by with helpless detachment. And I bought this for so long. I idealized him, and all my rage was directed at the women. I eventually came to see his inability to protect his children and provide and assume responsibililty for their care and his relationships with them as entirely selfish and self-serving.
He needed these women in his life, he depended on them to make his world safe, and so if that meant relinquishing all responsibility for his relationships with others -- his children, his grandchildren -- he was prepared to do that to get his own needs met. Of course, this is all because of his own terrible wounding, but that doesnt change the awful hurt of knowing that I (and my sisters) weren't number one or even a priority, of feeling that he didn't care enough to fight for us, of feeling we were expendable. And without going into all the details, all of this came to a very sad conclusion. About 10 years ago he ended all contact with my sisters and me.
Originally Posted by Evanna
I tried explaining to my dad how hurt i was feeling and he just didnt get it.
Originally Posted by Evanna
I hate it when i am reduced to a child in my relationship with other adults. Is this never going to get better!
Originally Posted by Evanna
So i tried explaining it to her as i thought maybe another women might understand better but she wound up having a go at me all over again.
Originally Posted by Evanna
While i understand my anger i dont understand why this happening has bought up this wailing grief in me.I want to howl for my childhood and i want to weep for my using. I want to cry for the adult me who still gets flawed so easily by this stuff and for my son who i feel very afraid for.
Originally Posted by Evanna
i would appreciate any thoughts on my craziness.
I hope the day brings you some peace. I'm thinking of you
gf
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He has the emotional awareness of a plank.
The thing I saw in your post is that you have told him how you feel. When you didn't get the response you wanted you told her. Same response.
Your work there is done. If you keep trying to explain expecting a different result that is the codie working and working and working. I have tried to 'splain. I have tried different words, tears, notes, letters, e-mails...manipulation. All that causes me is pain. Like picking a scab.
I have a really messed up family. A father with the emotional awareness of a plank, like you...WITH 30 years AA. Now you would think....but I can't go in there and turn the dials and grease the wheels to make him any different than he is. Sure it hurts. I am 52 and still occasionally cry over some...thing...he has done, but that is all me. He doesn't get it, never will. When I am in a place of accepting him for who he is, knowing I can't change him, I am happier for it. I am at peace.
((Hugs))
JT
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Thank-you both so much. Your responses have really helped. Everything that you both said was really relevent. I have picked out the bits that really got me saying 'hell yeah'.
You are so right. His role was relinquishing responsibility and mine was picking it up. The thing is his relinquishing is total and he has handed over to someone else this time. My husband has even pointed out to me that this isnt the first time my dad has done this in his relationships. He has children by previous relationships who he has no contact with. It helps me some how to know this is not all my stuff. I guess like you i am quick to assume everything is mine. Thanks for helping me see this.
It tells me that this little girl still needs so much love. And I'm going to need to find another way to give it to her. I have to find a way love her better myself, and let her feel love from those who are able to give it to her. I have to break the pattern of setting myself up to seek love where it cannot be found. I have to stop setting myself up by repeating the patterns off the past. Funny cos i was thinking along these lines today. I tend to be a bit brusque so i was thinking that if i can get in this state about my dad of all people then i need to get out more! Kind of amounts to the same thing as you are saying though.
Re-injuring. I am going to add that one to my volcabulary!
Hey JT, thanks made me smile.
I had been thinking some of this but in a kind of unformulated way. I keep thinking that it is time to stop putting myself through. I like what you said about my work their being done, doing same thing over and picking scabs. It really helped me structure my thinking.
Again thanks to you both. I am feeling a lot easier about this now.
Originally Posted by GettingFree
Hi Evanna,
He needed these women in his life, he depended on them to make his world safe, and so if that meant relinquishing all responsibility for his relationships with others -- his children, his grandchildren -- he was prepared to do that to get his own needs met. .
He needed these women in his life, he depended on them to make his world safe, and so if that meant relinquishing all responsibility for his relationships with others -- his children, his grandchildren -- he was prepared to do that to get his own needs met. .
Originally Posted by GettingFree
It tells me that this little girl still needs so much love. And I'm going to need to find another way to give it to her. I have to find a way love her better myself, and let her feel love from those who are able to give it to her. I have to break the pattern of setting myself up to seek love where it cannot be found. I have to stop setting myself up by repeating the patterns off the past.
Originally Posted by GettingFree
I know how much that hurts. We don't get the response from the person we want, so our desperate need tries another route. And we get re-injured all over again.
gf
gf
Originally Posted by JT
LOL!! Are we sisters?? Do we have the same dad?
The thing I saw in your post is that you have told him how you feel. When you didn't get the response you wanted you told her. Same response.
Your work there is done. If you keep trying to explain expecting a different result that is the codie working and working and working. I have tried to 'splain. I have tried different words, tears, notes, letters, e-mails...manipulation. All that causes me is pain. Like picking a scab.
The thing I saw in your post is that you have told him how you feel. When you didn't get the response you wanted you told her. Same response.
Your work there is done. If you keep trying to explain expecting a different result that is the codie working and working and working. I have tried to 'splain. I have tried different words, tears, notes, letters, e-mails...manipulation. All that causes me is pain. Like picking a scab.
I had been thinking some of this but in a kind of unformulated way. I keep thinking that it is time to stop putting myself through. I like what you said about my work their being done, doing same thing over and picking scabs. It really helped me structure my thinking.
Again thanks to you both. I am feeling a lot easier about this now.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
Hey Evanna,
I'm so glad you're feeling easier about things. Yes, we easily take things on as our own and gradually we're both learning to hand them back.
No touch-backs! (oops...do kids say that in Britain?)
I'm so glad you're feeling easier about things. Yes, we easily take things on as our own and gradually we're both learning to hand them back.
No touch-backs! (oops...do kids say that in Britain?)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Our house.
Posts: 816
Originally Posted by GettingFree
Hey Evanna,
I'm so glad you're feeling easier about things. Yes, we easily take things on as our own and gradually we're both learning to hand them back.
No touch-backs! (oops...do kids say that in Britain?)
I'm so glad you're feeling easier about things. Yes, we easily take things on as our own and gradually we're both learning to hand them back.
No touch-backs! (oops...do kids say that in Britain?)
And no i dont think they say that.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Hi Evanna,
I'm sorry to hear you've been going through some difficult times with your father, but delighted to see the growth that comes from these boards. I can't add to the wisdom already given on your particular situation, but I would like to comment on something in your post that leapt out to me.
I am a co-dependent and I have recently realised something that has turned my life around. Just because someone else in my life chooses to lay down their responsibilities, does not mean that I have to pick them up. They can stay laying on the ground and I can walk right around them. They can even lay them right at my feet, but I still have to make that decision whether to bend down and pick them up.
Thank you for reminding me of this.
Love
Minnie
xxx
I'm sorry to hear you've been going through some difficult times with your father, but delighted to see the growth that comes from these boards. I can't add to the wisdom already given on your particular situation, but I would like to comment on something in your post that leapt out to me.
Originally Posted by Evanna
His role was relinquishing responsibility and mine was picking it up.
Thank you for reminding me of this.
Love
Minnie
xxx
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Originally Posted by minnie
I am a co-dependent and I have recently realised something that has turned my life around. Just because someone else in my life chooses to lay down their responsibilities, does not mean that I have to pick them up. They can stay laying on the ground and I can walk right around them. They can even lay them right at my feet, but I still have to make that decision whether to bend down and pick them up.
Thank you for reminding me of this.
Love
Minnie
xxx
One of the things that i have been getting mad at recently is everytime my dad drops on one of his responsibilities i feel i have to take up the slack. He hasnt been bothering with my gran or grown-up foster sisters either and i have been running around trying to make that up to all of them. So i am still picking up his responsibilities even when he is not around. No more....from now on the only responsibilities i will pick up are the ones that i see as rightly mine. I will not bend down and pick them up anymore.
Warmest wishes
Evanna.
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Originally Posted by Evanna
Just goes to show how these patterns are carried through all our relationships and not just romantic ones.
gf
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hi i wanted to share cos i can relate....
i used to be angry and sad around my mum all the time.
when i was very young i was sexually and physically and emotionally abused by my father.
as a child i was powerless to stop him and lost my power
when my mum awoke to the fact of the abuse she first was also powerless to stop him and so i resented her for not protecting me.
soon mostly though she did stand in the way of beatings and so on, then i resented her for taking my power away, i still felt powerless.
as i grew up all the abuse and inner **** came up and i finally forgavve dad for his abuse and detached him from my life. i forgave mum and accepted her powerlessness yet i still got so irritated around her, hated her advice , hated her getting attention around me. hated her having a sense of power over me. then i realised after all this time, i had not taken my own personal power back.
her defending my abuse left me feeling powerless and i blamed her for this, and sometimes even hated her more than my abusive father!!!
THis had repurcussion as i was powerless i felt i couldnt stop anyhting or do anything, doubted everything, and repeatedly blamed my mother for some reason, if not any authority figure
this revelation has dissolved my hatred and my love an respect and admiring pride (only to human not saint level
has brought me closer to my mum and given me the first time in my life a full heart of love, a sense of completion. a peace and now when she gives me advice or suggestions on to what i could do to makemy life simpler and easier, just when she talks to me, i appreciate her love and dont see it as interference and power-taking, but as a desire of hers to see me happy.
thank god i finally see this and its brought a peace between us. thank u god and all people places and things that made that possible!
amen
toby
i used to be angry and sad around my mum all the time.
when i was very young i was sexually and physically and emotionally abused by my father.
as a child i was powerless to stop him and lost my power
when my mum awoke to the fact of the abuse she first was also powerless to stop him and so i resented her for not protecting me.
soon mostly though she did stand in the way of beatings and so on, then i resented her for taking my power away, i still felt powerless.
as i grew up all the abuse and inner **** came up and i finally forgavve dad for his abuse and detached him from my life. i forgave mum and accepted her powerlessness yet i still got so irritated around her, hated her advice , hated her getting attention around me. hated her having a sense of power over me. then i realised after all this time, i had not taken my own personal power back.
her defending my abuse left me feeling powerless and i blamed her for this, and sometimes even hated her more than my abusive father!!!
THis had repurcussion as i was powerless i felt i couldnt stop anyhting or do anything, doubted everything, and repeatedly blamed my mother for some reason, if not any authority figure
this revelation has dissolved my hatred and my love an respect and admiring pride (only to human not saint level
has brought me closer to my mum and given me the first time in my life a full heart of love, a sense of completion. a peace and now when she gives me advice or suggestions on to what i could do to makemy life simpler and easier, just when she talks to me, i appreciate her love and dont see it as interference and power-taking, but as a desire of hers to see me happy.thank god i finally see this and its brought a peace between us. thank u god and all people places and things that made that possible!
amen
toby
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Sorry Toby i only just discovered your response to my post. I am gad that you have finally found peace in your relationship with your mother. I went through a very similar feelings process with my mother. My own peace around this came when i became a mother myself. I am not sure it is the same with my dad though. For now i am simply backing off and letting go. I am making an exit. For now.
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The beautiful thing is that I can totally relate. There are times when I talk to non ACOA people and they look at me like they don't understand why I look to others to tell me that I am ok... I don't either... it is looking for that approval or looking for the fact that I am good enough that someone... a man... will make some sacrafices to be there for me. I loved what Evana... I think that is right... said. I am looking for all of those things from the wrong people.
I don't think that I am looking for things that are impossible to get, but I do think that I am drawn to people who cannot give it to me. I can totally relate to the repeating... if I just say it one more way, they'll get it. If they see how I am hurting, they will get it. I have bawled my eyes out and insisted that I am happy in relationships that I was miserable in.
In hindsight... I see the insane part of that, but at the time I feel like, If I could somehow do more or be better, they would acknowledge it.
Quick story: About 6 years ago, I am a teacher, I had a child who was so dysfunctional... I loved this child and worked with him to get behavior problems in order, be a positive influence, etc. It worked.. he did improve. One day, I had $40 missing from my purse. He had been behind my desk. Well, he took it. It devastated me. I thought, of all people why would he steal from me. I had worked so hard to build trust and be there for him. Our counselor at the time said, "He does it because he can't help it. It is in him and has nothing to do with you." Well, that has stuck with me and I try to remember.... it didn't take away from the fact that I did everything that I could. His core was the same and that was a survival technique for him. He did not put me above that... others don't either, but I wish they would. I would love to be above that. Because I am so good and worth it that they wouldn't dare hurt me. That makes anything that happens to me burn so much worse.
I don't think that I am looking for things that are impossible to get, but I do think that I am drawn to people who cannot give it to me. I can totally relate to the repeating... if I just say it one more way, they'll get it. If they see how I am hurting, they will get it. I have bawled my eyes out and insisted that I am happy in relationships that I was miserable in.
In hindsight... I see the insane part of that, but at the time I feel like, If I could somehow do more or be better, they would acknowledge it.
Quick story: About 6 years ago, I am a teacher, I had a child who was so dysfunctional... I loved this child and worked with him to get behavior problems in order, be a positive influence, etc. It worked.. he did improve. One day, I had $40 missing from my purse. He had been behind my desk. Well, he took it. It devastated me. I thought, of all people why would he steal from me. I had worked so hard to build trust and be there for him. Our counselor at the time said, "He does it because he can't help it. It is in him and has nothing to do with you." Well, that has stuck with me and I try to remember.... it didn't take away from the fact that I did everything that I could. His core was the same and that was a survival technique for him. He did not put me above that... others don't either, but I wish they would. I would love to be above that. Because I am so good and worth it that they wouldn't dare hurt me. That makes anything that happens to me burn so much worse.
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