Venting for now...

Old 02-24-2005, 02:44 PM
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Unhappy Venting for now...

First, I want to say that I have only posted twice now, and everyone's responses have been very helpful. I know I will be taking a lot from you at the beginning, but maybe eventually I will be able to offer something in return. My previous posts have been about whether to stay or go since we are young married with no kids and whether he is even an alcoholic or a "problem drinker." I have heard some great advice, and I know what I should do probably, but I'm just not up for the "go" part yet. I guess I haven't been pushed past my limit. So for now, I'm venting. A friend of ours has been staying with us off and on recently for work. It's a short-term thing, and he's a nice guy, so I don't mind. I don't think he really knew how much or how often my H drank. Well, last night, my H passed out on the couch around 7. Usually when he's had that much, he ends up urinating on the couch, but it's usually after I go to bed. Unfortunately, he ended up doing so around 10 while his friend and I were still up. I was so embarassed! The way he was sitting caused it all to run down his pants and onto the floor. So in front of someone else, I'm soaking up towels of urine off our hardwood floors. I felt so belittled. I can't believe the things I have been accepting as OK. A true alcoholic or not, this is not the way to live.
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Old 02-24-2005, 03:29 PM
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Sorry to hear that you're going through such troubling times.

Someone told me recently that the definition of a "bottom" is when your situation gets worse faster than you can lower your standards. Man, could I relate to that! And my standards were pretty low...

Al-Anon can help you sort out your part:

http://alanon.org/meetings/texas.html

I hope you find some peace...
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Old 02-24-2005, 03:37 PM
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You shouldn't be embarrassed or belittled

you didn't wet the couch!

I'm sorry you're going through this. I too urge you to attend meetings, read, learn and grow. Armed with knowledge you'll be able to make the right decisions for you.
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Old 02-24-2005, 04:01 PM
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walking's right - you didn't pee on the couch. Please don't take on guilt and shame (consequences) that needs to rest on your husband's shoulders.

You don't need to know all the answers yet. But please get some help for yourself. Al-anon meetings are great - just go along to 6 to see if they are right for you. Get a copy of "co-dependent no more" too - you'll think it was written just for you, I bet.

Take care. Keep posting - now is the time for you to take all you want. Your time for giving advice will come. Believe me, I feel honoured to be able to pass on what I have learned. Otherwise, it was all for nothing.

Love

Minnie
xxx
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Old 02-24-2005, 08:19 PM
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It was a HUGE step for me to realize that I was TOTALLY and COMPLETELY not responsible for my husband's behavior. I was only responsible for my reaction to it.

I learned to react in a way that made me feel best. I learned not to explain him, excuse him or justify him.

I did what I had to do to keep myself and my children safe and in good graces with those who "I" care about. Since my husband has started his sober journey and has told people what was going on with him...no one has been surprised.

By letting him be responsible for his own actions is a huge step. Good luck with it and please...stick around.

Jenny
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Old 02-24-2005, 08:28 PM
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Welcome.

Just keep reading. Read here, read books, post all you want.
We are here and always glad to listen and share.

The amazing part of this forum for me was finding so many who have been exactly where I was.

When you think there is no way to explain what you are going through or feeling, you will find that here you hardly have to explain it at all.
Everyone here already KNOWS.

So you can share your stories and know we will not be shocked or confused or judge. We will most likely say "yes, that was how it was for me too."
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Old 02-25-2005, 07:21 AM
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Tex,

You did nothing wrong. In an odd way it may be a good thing that your mate is aware that is friend saw him in all his glory. I dont know if it will help, sometimes it did and sometimes it didnt. There is the old expression "hate the sin love the sinner" think about that.

I am not trying to minimize how you feel. You have every right to be ticked and ticked royally. In my case it would help the anger or the hurt when i thought of that saying and ask myself "is this what she would want'? The answer of course is no. Who wants to be an alcoholic? It just sort of kept MY sanity.
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Old 02-25-2005, 09:28 AM
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Tex, it won't change. My husband is a functioning alcoholic. I've been with him for five years hoping he would change, some circumstance would magically happen that would cause everything in the world to be right and he wouldn't need to drink anymore. He drinks at LEAST 6 beers every night. Sometimes more when he's especially upset. There were a couple of times when he peed himself, but it hasn't happened often. But it doesn't take away the fact that my husband is an alcoholic, and I suspect yours is too. Our sex life has gone from W.O.W. to D.E.A.D. He rationalizes it has a perfect explanation for why he drinks, is an expert at making me feel guilty for questioning his motives for drinking, and does not think he has a problem. He says he can quit anytime. I told him to prove it. For two months he stopped cold turkey, but after a month he started asking me when he could have a beer since he'd proven he can stop any time? It's a trap I've fallen into, and one I want to get out of. Don't let yourself get as deep as I have. Love yourself first. You deserve better, no matter how wonderful he is to you, no matter how much you love him.
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Old 02-25-2005, 09:50 AM
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My AH did something similar. He has a bowel problem and thank goodness we were at the beach camping when it happened. My niece saw him at the river with his brother who was helping him clean out his shorts, she came back to camp to tell me about it. I should not have told her not to mention it but this was a few years ago and I was clueless to the situation. At first I was embarassed but that passed quickly. My pants were clean!!!! To this day I don't think he remembers and even if he does it has not made a bit of difference. Don't hide what is going on and don't take the actions of another on yourself.
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