utopia

i would like to ask, what is the point of dreaming if they are unrealistic, imaginary fanatical deluded concepts that get built up in my head so i dont have to face what i think is reality? leading me to conceptualise the fact i dont relate or connect with anyone is because i hold up the shield to keep all the negative (and positive) people OUT of my life so im safe and can be a sexy dismissive man with my deluded power trip when in reality im cowering and denying rather than let someone love.

why am i not attracted to anyone that likes me?
why am i so easily questioning my core on what outside people say?
why do i feel i have up a guard when i eventually give up in desperation at parties and still end up with nothing but *** on sheets and empty arms?
why cant God take away the desire for a committed anf fulfillin relationship
what is that?
where is the what is the where and or why?


what the **** is love?

what about lust and obsession, dramatic passion and intriguing mystery?
why do these cherished traits of romance now seem so artificial and tainted?
why do i still crave them deep down?
why dont i believe i can find healthy people to b e appealing or interesting?
from my damaged past how will i ever find anything but damaged familiar and thus appealing?

why am i still inclined to sadness after all this recovery!

i dont know what to believe in except god
i dont know if dreams are worth trusting or giving any humour when theyve all shown up as obsessive unrealistic fantasies.
why do i feel more and more that im above the little people of the EARTH and cant be one with my fellow man?
why do i tire of their talk and whinging when deep down i know that life can be peaceful, loving and happy and an estatic blessing?
WHy can only I be moved to tears now by trees and sunsets when people almost sneer at them
Why do people mock my spiritual nature?
why does anyone mock anothers revelation into personal happiness and a greater consciousness? why are some ok with that!!??
Why do i feel that I cant take myself seriously at all let alone too much
why cant i live in isolation from those annoying people and feel un-lonely
why must my youthful body crave excitement and sex?
why cant i stop using anything numb-a-holic to fill the void, to pass the time, to stop the questions, to avoid the truth which can be DEVASTATION....................................... .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ...............................

If i knew everything I'd be GOD.

Why can a small birdsong or a baby's smile melt this away for a moment?
Why does all this go away after meetings and meditation but come back with a vengeance whether I've been doing it every day for months or not? WHY DOES IT NEVER END. such is life, how to soften the impact of my devastation that certain types of love ill never come my way. that i now believe that all those things a lover could do are only GODS place to do and that after seeing past loves as sick and infatuatory, have i ever known real love? unconditional and true? from god yes, let me grateful again, maybe thats the key to get out of these moments of feeling stuck-in-a-rut.

God grant me SERENITY,COURAGE WISDOM. a phoenix from the flames again and again? or a growing angel widening and deepening in all my glory with a range of emotions, the glory is gods for saving me and loving me. its my humanity making me make mistakes so i learn, grow and change to become different and truer to me. and find my place in this world so i finally belong and am no longer the nomad. better out then in, someones mother always said

peace out
amen
toby

chess

Hey Toby,

Thanks for sharing this. I've been thinking about a lot of the same issues you mention and all I can say that if I knew the answers I'd write a book on them and be a millionaire

Instead I go from thinking I'm alright to thinking that no one wants me to there is nothing wrong with me to wondering what is wrong with me since I got no friends or lovers. And desparately long for both.

So you are not the only one with these questions. Hope that helps.

Chess
another walking contradiction

Magichappens

Hi Toby,
Recovery has been a slow process for me. Alcoholism and the effects on my family warped me pretty badly. Until I started working the steps in my life and getting better, there wasn't much relief. Attending meetings, getting a sponsor, and being willing to work the steps has changed and healed me. It relieved me of the mental obsessions that drove my life into despair.

I relate to your thinking. I have lived that way most of my life. Breaking out of the dream world that protected me hasn't been easy, but living there was killing me.

Go to a meeting. Reach out. There is help for what you are thinking and feeling. It's not a quick fix. No instant relief. But there is help. Hugs, Magic

splendra

Toby-

From reading your post (excuse me if I analize here) it seems like for you may be stuck in an all or, nothing and no in between mode. As an ACOA I get stuck in that too. This is something I have meditated on that helped me so much,"Normal day let be aware of the treasure you are".

I also desire to be madly in love with everything and everyone but, it is for me like being high on dope(an addiction) and so I decided to enjoy what is real and love reality and to stop confusing myself with the lie that everything has to be all or nothing. If you could streach your wings and fly to heaven you could come back home a start a new religion but, guess what ....none of us are going to get out of this world alive!!!

DefofLov

Wow, Splendra, I can really identify with that.

Toby, you will find the answers deep within yourself. I know this for fact. Keep searching inside with the help of positive people from the outside.

GettingFree

Splendra,
Thank you for these words. I am currently grieving the loss of a relationship, the loss of a dream that 'this is the one'. I can sure use these words. I know my journey now must focus on my own healing, and learning to love myself, and feel content within my own body and heart. Feeling content is about cherishing the normal day. Normal is what I want.

gf

utopia

thanks beaucoup to everyone, the answers, the awaited mentor, the lost thing, the missing piece of my puzzle, the around-the-corner bliss, are all here and now in me, all in me. the one-day mentality (itll come one day) is folly for me. questions are oftne there but its easier to handle, one day a time, with my HP every step of the way. want to accept what i do have and be grateful and close this starved void for love and information. pray that god fills it. know that i can, know that im whole within myself.
cheers
toby

IAmEnough

Utopia, I can totally relate to everything you said. I think most of us ACAs can.

Splendra has a good point though. I too look at life as black/white... all or nothing. My therapist pointed that out and it really helps to remember there is a "grey" too. Allowing myself to think "grey" for even a moment feels like the high I get from a new love relationship. The great thing is this "grey" thinking comes from me. Learning and working this skill gives me hope.

Blessings