Coping

Why is it so important to me, that my AH must know, that I know he has been drinking? I guess I don't want him to think that he is putting one over on me. I don't mean when he is really drunk and obvious, but when he has only had one drink. I have to tell him he reeks of it, or his eyes are all red, or he is acting stupid etc. I just can't help myself. Anyone else do this or am I the only one?

minnie

Oh, hon, I did too. But, you know what? It doesn't make any difference. In fact, it's only likely to cause an argument.

Telling him you know won't make him stop, because you have no control over it.

Hang in there.

Love

Minnie
xxx

ggnewme

Hi coping - my ABF (sober 14 days) and I had this conversation last night. I told him that he really has to be honest with me about his recovery. For me, it's a trust issue - he's been hiding his alcoholism from me since we met - I'd suspected, but when I asked he'd lie. So, now he's telling me that he's staying sober, but I don't know what to believe. I just had to throw it out there to him though, to try and be honest with me. Not that it makes any difference either way, it'd just be nice to feel like I can trust him, in terms of us salvaging any kind of meaningful romantic relationship (which is on hold for now). Good luck.

JessicaNAJ

Coping- I did the same thing. I HAD to show him that I know. But once I recognized that it really didn't do any good, it was easier for me to not say anything. Believe me, that process was not easy. I bit my tongue a lot and ended up "chalking" this up as my own personnal knowledge.

It gets easier. Hang in there.

(((coping)))

Coping

OK so tonight when he comes home and I know he had one on the train I will not say a word. But does that just enable him because then he can drink and have no consequences from me? Its so hard to keep quiet, but if you can do it and I know it doesn't matter, I will try even harder.

walkingtheline

"he thinks he's getting over" and how furious I was that he thought I was stupid.

I learned to not mention it unless it was a necessity. For instance if he wanted me to ride in the car with him, I'd say 'no, I can't ride with you.'
If he asked why, I'd reply with 'you've been drinking and it's not safe."
He might deny or yell but the smell always gives him away.

But otherwise his drinking is his problem. It only becomes an issue for me if it directly effects my life. I honestly believe that nothing we say matters to an A.

Gabe

Coping, if they would stop drinking for fear of consequences from us, we'd have this thing licked by now. He's gonna drink whether there are consequences from you or not. Not confronting him about it just saves you a lot of wasted breath and energy. He's not fooling you. The only person he's fooling is himself.

prodigal

The A in your life couldn't care less about the "consequences" you dole out to him. He's going to use whether you throw a hissy-fit or remain silent. The only person who ends up feeling emotionally spent and crazy is you if you get in his face about his drinking. It resolves nothing. He's still an alcoholic and you're still ticked off about him not holding himself accountable for his alcohol abuse.

Coping

I guess the voices of experience tell the truth. I knew it didn't matter what I said about drinking when I had major surgery a couple months ago. Asked AH not to drink while I was in the hospital in case something went wrong and I needed him. Sure enough the next night he came to visit a little buzzed and the next night never made it at all. He went out to dinner with a business associate and drank a lot. The third night he came and appologized. That really made me see that this is bigger than anything in the world. I'm still in denial, but getting stronger every day. This helps. Thanks

wraybear

I have felt and done the same thing. It is hard to keep quiet.

But REALLY, he is going to drink whatever consequences you dish out. So, why get yourself worked up, ticked off, start an argument, when it makes not a bit of difference???????

Peace!

Peaches04

Hi Coping...I think I posted something similar to this a long time ago when I first started recovering. It used to just drive me insane to think that he thought he was 'fooling' me, or that I was some idiot who couldn't tell he'd been drinking or smoking pot. Why? I don't know...I guess in my codie mind, it was an insult to my intelligence. But, after many months - I think everyone who has posted is right. It doesn't matter if they know we know or not - they know. I have to be honest and say I still struggle with this and sometimes when he walks by and it just reaks so bad, I wave my hand in disgust. Right now, i just stay away from him when he's drinking. It's gotten so bad for ME, that I can't even stand to look at him when he's drinking, or much of any other time either. I think it somehow all relates to the issues of trust and disrespect...but, not sure how to connect the dots exactly.

JennyK

My husband (now 6 weeks sober) recently told me that ALL he thought about was when he could drink again. Everytime I spoke to him it was "yada yada yada..." and if I did it long enough it gave him reason to tell me he drank because I was a nag.

I learned LONG ago that my words mean nothing, just as his did not. My actions spoke. I learned to take care of myself. I learned to detach with love. I learned to use my HP to save me. I learned that I could NOT EVER rationalize with an irrational person. And that an active alcoholic is an irrational person.

If one can believe my husband, then all he is thinking about is drinking and by inserting yourself into that...you insert yourself into the problem, not the solution. The ONLY solution for you is to focus ALL of your postive energy and questions and thoughts and logic and rational behavior onto yourself.

It is so very hard. And so many people have done it and done it well. I hope you can be one of them.

Jenny

myselfagain

I never nagged mine about his drinking. Only thing I did was tell him every few months or so that he was ruining our marriage. Also told him that I would ask him to leave when I couldnt take it anymore.
I couldnt take it any more and I did ask him to leave. He was still surprized. Told me he really thought that I would always be there. He also told me that he knew I needed him to quit, he just wasnt ready to. When I asked fo a divorce he was all of a sudden ready to quit and he did. But I had had enough, I was done. We are divorced and I think he is still in kinda shock,he just cant believe I would do that to him.Of course it is all my fault. DAH, time to wake up.

Magichappens

It took a lot of practice for me to detach from the disease. In Al-Anon, I got the support to try something new. I was really afraid that not nagging and pleading was condoning. What I learned was that it's not my job to stop the alcoholic. I learned the three C's; I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it. Instead of flipping out on Mr Magic, I called my sponsor, and people in my group.

What was really scary was that he seemed to get worse as I started to get better. But my getting better became more important to me than anything. Once I realized that staying sick was only hurting me, not helping him, I didn't have much of a choice.

Today, unless it affects me directly, I don't focus on his recovery, or lack of. I trust that the Higher Power I have found through working the 12 steps is working in his life as well as mine. Hugs, Magic

ggnewme

Just kind of a funny anecdote along these lines, my ABF has been allegedly sober for 15 days. I haven't seen much of him in the past few weeks, but last night we went to a movie, and I smelled that oh-so-familiar smell that I have come to assosciate with hard liquor, but was never really sure... I asked him if he'd been drinking, he said no - I asked him if the smell was his cologne - no - he put on fresh deodorant. At the end of the night, I said - you know, I'd really like to trust you here - for some reason I associate that smell with drunk BF - please switch your deodorant! He agreed....

cwohio

yep - i've too have played that game - saying to myself so smuggly - "i KNEW it!" and getting MYSELF worked up and angry while of course, meantime, he's sitting there buzzed. i appreciate jennyk sharing what her husband felt - it's always great to hear it from "the other side". i have finally zipped my lip for my own sake. practice makes perfect!

Coping

And again the voices of experience speak volumes. Alanon was not for me, but I know I can come here and hear experienced people. I know I must learn to zip it and will try harder. I guess it really doesn't matter if he knows I know. I have to learn to detach when he drinks and get on with my life. My daughter gets so mad at me when I get upset when he drinks. I guess she can see the big picture. Thanks hope you have a peaceful night.

JessicaNAJ

YES - these people really do know what they are talking about. They have helped me immensly. I was the queen of nagging. Even after he moved out, when I'd hear it in his voice I'd ask. Eventually, after coming here and venting a ton, I got past that.

Trust is a huge issue. One that a marriage is not supposed to lack. It is very insulting to me to know that my AH lied to me soooo many times. I didn't know any other way to handle his lies. Especially when I'd ask and he'd lie to me again.

I found out that I KNOW BETTER and that's what matters. I don't need him to be honest with me to know that I'm right.

It is a big deal and it is important - but you have to save your sanity first. Listening to lie after lie after lie, isn't going to help that.

You're on the right path. Hang in there.

PS- Kids are extremly insightful. Because they are not affected by society the way we are, they seem to see things in a much brighter light. They are not blinded by all the dirt.

gelfling

Hi Coping,

I hope you had a good restful night. I also hope you will reconsider alanon. Did you have a bad experience. If that's the case, find another meeting. I'm not saying alanon is for everyone, but having a good foundation such as alanon is a tremendous help.

Something Magic said coincided with something my recovering son told me the other day. Magic said the better she got, the worse he got. My son's take on it is that it may no necessarily be that they've gotten worse. Just that you've gotten better. And see things in a different light.

He had a friend come and stay with us for 5 days and we were miserable. She cast such a dark cloud over our home with her attitude, etc. My son was shocked to realize that he lived in the same home as these people. He's 2 months sober. He's getting better and can think and see more clearly.

I can also relate to the needing to let them know you know.... I knew if I said anything, it would always make matters worse. So I just froze up and refused to communicate or look at him. Then I got the old..."what's wrong". So, pretty much it's a no win situation.