I don't know if I have the strength to watch him walk away
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I don't know if I have the strength to watch him walk away
Today I spent a good part of the day crying as I watched my AB of 23 years pack his belongings in preparation for his move this weekend. I asked him last night if he still loves me and without even a moment's hesitation he quietly said, "yes."
When I woke up this morning, I looked at him sleeping and realized that in just five days someone I love with all my heart will be walking out of my life. And while in my mind I know this is the best thing for me and my daughter, my heart is sending me a completely different message. I want to throw my arms around him and tell him I love him and beg him to stay.
I don't know if I have the strength to watch him walk away.
When I woke up this morning, I looked at him sleeping and realized that in just five days someone I love with all my heart will be walking out of my life. And while in my mind I know this is the best thing for me and my daughter, my heart is sending me a completely different message. I want to throw my arms around him and tell him I love him and beg him to stay.
I don't know if I have the strength to watch him walk away.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
I am so sorry your hurting....Your post brought me to tears. It reminded me of when my AH moved out.
You will get through this. Know that with your HP you are exactly where you are meant to be. There is a path for each of us.
I can't tell you how you will get through this, but I can tell you what I did... I planted my feet firmly on the ground and I kept reminding myself that I wasn't doing this to him, I was doing it for me and my kids. And I surrounded myself with friends and family for support.
We are here for you!!
You will get through this. Know that with your HP you are exactly where you are meant to be. There is a path for each of us.
I can't tell you how you will get through this, but I can tell you what I did... I planted my feet firmly on the ground and I kept reminding myself that I wasn't doing this to him, I was doing it for me and my kids. And I surrounded myself with friends and family for support.
We are here for you!!
Jeri N
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Abita Springs, LA
Posts: 24
Hi formerdoormat,
I read your post just now and I totally understand it. We forget, thought, that we have choices too. That our lives and the lives of our children are just as important as those of our addict loved ones. If you are praying and letting him go and placing him in God's hands, he may be on his journey to recovery. My sickness tells me that "I" am abandoning or that I am "NOT" loving unconditionally, I am surely doing something wrong if it doesn't feel right. But you know, I was told in a meeting that faith and fear cannot occupy the same space. Today I believe that. I didn't have the strength to watch my addict husband walk away, but God gave me His strength. I didn't have the words or the actions or the ability to show love without being consumed with sorrow, guilt and shame for taking care of myself and our children, but God gave those to me too. You are loving your brother in a way many cannot and giving him a gift that many could not. The gift of a chance of stepping into God's will for his life, which I have no doubt is sobriety. Cover him in prayer every day and let him go. God's love is sufficient and His power is overwhelming. Ask Him to fill those wounded places with His love for you and your family. Let Go and Let God. He is more than able to do exceedingly above what we can imagine. You'll be okay. Give him your grief and fear and step out in faith. In the steps we learn that we are driven by 100 forms of fear and I know for me it snuffed out every bit of faith I had until I surrendered my life and my marriage and my addict husband to Him. I will be praying for you and your family tonight. Maybe it's a new beginning for him, a chance for him to find what you have longed for him to find for so very long. We can't do anything to cause them to seek recovery, but we can sure pray for them and trust God to bring them to a place where they will seek. Ask God to send messengers to your brother and ask him to guard your heart as you step out in faith. He will, I promise.
Feeling your pain,
Jeri
I read your post just now and I totally understand it. We forget, thought, that we have choices too. That our lives and the lives of our children are just as important as those of our addict loved ones. If you are praying and letting him go and placing him in God's hands, he may be on his journey to recovery. My sickness tells me that "I" am abandoning or that I am "NOT" loving unconditionally, I am surely doing something wrong if it doesn't feel right. But you know, I was told in a meeting that faith and fear cannot occupy the same space. Today I believe that. I didn't have the strength to watch my addict husband walk away, but God gave me His strength. I didn't have the words or the actions or the ability to show love without being consumed with sorrow, guilt and shame for taking care of myself and our children, but God gave those to me too. You are loving your brother in a way many cannot and giving him a gift that many could not. The gift of a chance of stepping into God's will for his life, which I have no doubt is sobriety. Cover him in prayer every day and let him go. God's love is sufficient and His power is overwhelming. Ask Him to fill those wounded places with His love for you and your family. Let Go and Let God. He is more than able to do exceedingly above what we can imagine. You'll be okay. Give him your grief and fear and step out in faith. In the steps we learn that we are driven by 100 forms of fear and I know for me it snuffed out every bit of faith I had until I surrendered my life and my marriage and my addict husband to Him. I will be praying for you and your family tonight. Maybe it's a new beginning for him, a chance for him to find what you have longed for him to find for so very long. We can't do anything to cause them to seek recovery, but we can sure pray for them and trust God to bring them to a place where they will seek. Ask God to send messengers to your brother and ask him to guard your heart as you step out in faith. He will, I promise.
Feeling your pain,
Jeri
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
I will always love my AH. I'm sure he will always love me in the way he is capable of loving. To me, love is a completely separate issue from how I choose to live my life. I can love him from a distance - a space that allows me to control the amount of drama and chaos I choose to allow into my life.
You don't have to stop loving one another.
L
You don't have to stop loving one another.
L
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
You wrote this
So, my dear, just click your heels together three times and say, "There's a better life for me; There's a better life for me; There's a better life for me."
Prayers offered up for you to find peace with the decisions made.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
FD
It is completely natural to feel this way. It is not just that your AB that is leaving, but your life as you know it is changing. There is comfort in familiarity even when the situation is almost impossible.
Can I suggest that you take yourself somewhere else this weekend when he moves out? When my ex (not an A) of 10 years left in 2001, I went home to my parents for the weekend. I didn't trust myself not to get upset and start begging him to stay. Now, when I look back, I can't even remember which month he left! We have a great friendship now and I went to his wedding last October.
I am moving back to my hometown in 3 weeks time. I have asked that my exA not be there when I pack up, to save us both the pain of that last goodbye to our old life. He has gone so far as to go on holiday that week. Which is good for him (although he is going back to the place where we have been for the past 3 years. Self-torture, anyone?)
Hang in there, hon. This is the start of a new and happy life for you. Who knows what will happen in the future? All I know is that it is in our hands.
We're here for you.
Love
Minnie
xxx
It is completely natural to feel this way. It is not just that your AB that is leaving, but your life as you know it is changing. There is comfort in familiarity even when the situation is almost impossible.
Can I suggest that you take yourself somewhere else this weekend when he moves out? When my ex (not an A) of 10 years left in 2001, I went home to my parents for the weekend. I didn't trust myself not to get upset and start begging him to stay. Now, when I look back, I can't even remember which month he left! We have a great friendship now and I went to his wedding last October.
I am moving back to my hometown in 3 weeks time. I have asked that my exA not be there when I pack up, to save us both the pain of that last goodbye to our old life. He has gone so far as to go on holiday that week. Which is good for him (although he is going back to the place where we have been for the past 3 years. Self-torture, anyone?)
Hang in there, hon. This is the start of a new and happy life for you. Who knows what will happen in the future? All I know is that it is in our hands.
We're here for you.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Lancaster
Posts: 120
I just went through the same thing that you are going through. I still love my exABF with all my heart and I wish things could have been different. But they aren't. And I could have begged him to come back after I told him to leave and there is a good chance he would have but then we would have just been back in the same old drama, over and over again. Be strong, it will get better.
Barely There
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Adelaide Sa
Posts: 39
Just try to remember how you came to this place in time Former and I agree with not being there if the actual parting of ways is too hard.
I have not gotten to where you are yet so I admire your courage and I thank you for sharing with us.
Whichever way you go you are valued and supported.
Good Luck.
Aud.
I have not gotten to where you are yet so I admire your courage and I thank you for sharing with us.
Whichever way you go you are valued and supported.
Good Luck.
Aud.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Letting go and letting God is never easy. I always have doubts and fears that things are going to work out. But whenever I have put this into practice, I have never been disappointed. God's work takes time and I don't like waiting. But when I can wait, the benefits are great.
Get all the support you can right now. There is a lot available. There are so many people going through similar things, and they can help. Keep focussed on your recovery. Things may seem bleak and painful right now, but growth is painful. Praying for strength and wisdom for you. Hugs, Magic
Get all the support you can right now. There is a lot available. There are so many people going through similar things, and they can help. Keep focussed on your recovery. Things may seem bleak and painful right now, but growth is painful. Praying for strength and wisdom for you. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: CA
Posts: 109
I left my AB October although our paths keep crossing (rightly or wrongly). All I know is when I left my heart broke in 2. I lost the plot and couldnt function at all. Slowly Im getting there and it is thanks to this site. Im 4 months on. I saw him the weekend sober.
I guess its not what we had (which was amazing.... when sober) nor what it could be (more drunken episodes?? more hurt?? more tears??) its what it is NOW. He numbed his pain through alc. If you are like me and so many others here we went through it without anaethestic.
I would give anything to have what we had, but its now how it is. My thoughts are with you. Be strong and keep posting. ((HUG))
I guess its not what we had (which was amazing.... when sober) nor what it could be (more drunken episodes?? more hurt?? more tears??) its what it is NOW. He numbed his pain through alc. If you are like me and so many others here we went through it without anaethestic.
I would give anything to have what we had, but its now how it is. My thoughts are with you. Be strong and keep posting. ((HUG))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
(((((bighug)))))
I have admired your words of wisdom to all on this site. I look up to you as a source of insight and strength. I am so sorry you are feeling so sad right now. You will be in my prayers.
Mindi
I have admired your words of wisdom to all on this site. I look up to you as a source of insight and strength. I am so sorry you are feeling so sad right now. You will be in my prayers.
Mindi
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
You'll get through this. If you managed to live with him for years with the pain and suffering, the pain and suffering you will experience will be a part of your health, bringing you back to sanity and peace.
Chin up, pray, post here and know that you've got oodles of love and support here.
Blessings
Chin up, pray, post here and know that you've got oodles of love and support here.
Blessings
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
I will always love my AH. I'm sure he will always love me in the way he is capable of loving. To me, love is a completely separate issue from how I choose to live my life. I can love him from a distance - a space that allows me to control the amount of drama and chaos I choose to allow into my life.
You don't have to stop loving one another.
L................................................. .........................thank you so much for that......what a wonderful way to look at it!!!!!!!!!!
You don't have to stop loving one another.
L................................................. .........................thank you so much for that......what a wonderful way to look at it!!!!!!!!!!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
"And now my dear, all you have to do is click your heels together three times..."
Just wanted to say thank you to all my friends for your support and encouragement. I'm in a much better place today because of you. I'm feeling strong again and back on track on my journey towards a better life. And as usual, you're right, I don't have to stop loving him just because we live apart. I guess yesterday was just part of the grieving process. I'm grieving the loss of the relationship we used to have...before alcoholism entered the picture. And what a wonderful relationship it was.
This morning when I looked at my AB sleeping I thanked my HP for these last few days I have to spend with my boyfriend. I asked my HP to look after my AB and help him find his way towards recovery.
This evening when I picked up my AB after work, I thanked my HP again because my boyfriend was sober. So I get to spend one of my last days with a sober partner. I pray that he will remain that way until Saturday, so he can have a clear head when we say goodbye. And Saturday I will do exactly what Jessica did. I will plant my feet firmly in the ground and muster up the strength to watch him walk away. I know when he leaves, he will not be alone. His HP will be by his side.
And like Glenda the Good Witch said to Dorothy in the final scene of the Wizard of Oz, "You had the power inside you all along. But you wouldn't have believed me. You had to learn for yourself." So, tonight I'll click my heels together three times and say, "There's a better life for me, there's a better life for me, there's a better life for me."
I don't know what I'd do without you all. Night my friends.
This morning when I looked at my AB sleeping I thanked my HP for these last few days I have to spend with my boyfriend. I asked my HP to look after my AB and help him find his way towards recovery.
This evening when I picked up my AB after work, I thanked my HP again because my boyfriend was sober. So I get to spend one of my last days with a sober partner. I pray that he will remain that way until Saturday, so he can have a clear head when we say goodbye. And Saturday I will do exactly what Jessica did. I will plant my feet firmly in the ground and muster up the strength to watch him walk away. I know when he leaves, he will not be alone. His HP will be by his side.
And like Glenda the Good Witch said to Dorothy in the final scene of the Wizard of Oz, "You had the power inside you all along. But you wouldn't have believed me. You had to learn for yourself." So, tonight I'll click my heels together three times and say, "There's a better life for me, there's a better life for me, there's a better life for me."
I don't know what I'd do without you all. Night my friends.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
((((Former)))) thank you so much - I love that...I will be clicking my heels too when my AH leaves, if he ever will (another story). good luck to you and I wish you all the strenght you will need...you CAN do this!
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