Coping

Should I be encouraged? My AH goes 4 days sober and 3 days drinking a little more each day. He says he is aware of his problem and gets upset after he has sobered up. He's done rehab, AA, and spiritual readings on his own. He says he is trying and just hasn't found inner happiness with himself. Is this just bull and just an excuse to keep drinking? I don't know anymore. I want to believe that he will beat this, but it gets harder with each backslide. Any comments?

wraybear

My AH of almost 17 years drank weekends for years, then started on evenings for a couple years, then during the day, and by the time he was in his late 30's was drinking morning, noon and night every day of the week. Then eight years ago our first daughter was born and he then started binge drinking. He will go for several months without drinking, then drink uncontrollably for a couple weeks. So much so, that it totally disrupts our lives, he'll end up in a detox unit for a couple days... then the cycle starts all over.

So, back to your original question, should you be encouraged? well, you should be encouraged that he knows he is an alcoholic. That is the first step as many refuse to admit it.

Maybe the inner happiness isn't within himself to find, maybe he needs God or a Higher Power. We are human and as humans we tend to be dissappointed with ourselves, especially alcoholics, they give themselves a harder time than any "nagging spouse" could give. I know, for myself, I can say I know GOD loves me unconditionally. It doesn't matter how much I screw up, He loves me. That fills my inner being with a happiness like no other. I think that is why AA is so important... it can help people find their HP and then lead them into that inner peace that we all seek.

Have you tried Alanon or many larger churches have support groups for families of addicts or families in crisis. A caring, loving support system for you will help you deal with this too.

Take care and hope you find some peace soon.

Coping

You are so right. He is looking for inner peace with himself and said he was never happy with himself. He didn't like AA, so now he is reading about Buddism etc to try and find peace. I mean I believe he wants to get well but can you find happiness in a book?

JessicaNAJ

Coping - I believe my AH of 15 years wants to get well too. But until he takes the necessary steps and really seek support I dont think it's possible. He has gone to AA, an aftercare program and had read a ton of books. He's managed to stay sober too for a few weeks at a time. But whenever things get really hectic, he always goes back to the bottle. That is something he can always count on and he don't have to work hard to get it.

This was disastrous - he watched something on TV once where an Alcoholic was able to learn how to control his drinking. AH - WHAT A GREAT IDEA. IF this guy can do it, anyone can. OH BOY!!!

I used to try to figure out my AH. Sitting back year after year after year, waiting for him to get better. I truly thought that if he did get better EVERYthing would be better. He was so convincing to me that he had a "handle on it all".

What I have learned through SR and Al-Anon and Counseling, is that regardless of what he chooses to do and what he is able to do, I can find peace within myself and I know I will be happy.

Take care of you and all of your answers will fall into place.

rara

Hi Coping--I can totally relate. I do think that denial is a major and devasting part of this disease. In my experience, I have been blown away many times by the rollercoaster of denial. I think the denial is both physical and psychological (and more!), and affects the A's thinking to such a degree that they make their OWN perfectly logical sense of things, especially about how they feel about their drinking--many of them seem to REALLY feel that cutting back, stopping and starting, etc. is not only OK but will probably solve their problem.

Of course, the denial is part and parcel of addiction, and this kind of illogical thinking is how an addict convinces him/herself that they can continue to drink, just not all the time. I think your AH may believe alcohol gives him inner happiness and he can't find it otherwise. I think many A's aren't comfortable with themselves or others without drinking. It is a crutch.

I realize this sounds so simplistic and is preaching to the converted. In my case, my AH is in deep denial. He has been closer to truly admitting his problem in many ways, and has been cutting back and going on and off for several weeks now. He says he feels better and is quite proud of himself. He calls it "adapting". He wants to change his life. While things are more pleasant around here, on and off is not going to do it.

AH's sister went into detox last week. A brother died years ago basically from complications of drinking/drug use. His late parents were A's. We discussed how positive it was that his sister went into detox. His family acts as though this is surprising news. So now more cutting back. He may as well have a big red "A" on his head (yikes), yet still says that he's glad his SISTER admitted she was an alcoholic, AS IF... It just makes it so painfully clear what denial does to the mind, heart and spirit...perhaps what your AH means by not having "inner happiness."

It sounds like your AH has done well in the past, but I think the denial takes over and he says sure, I can have none today and five tomorrow, I'm not really an addict! True recovery is lifelong. I wish I had words of wisdom, but in your case there is certainly hope. He has taken steps and has been successful. How can we make them see that alcohol is not the key to happiness? We can't. A dear friend told me today that she suspects her husband-- in recovery for over a year after a bad heart attack which totally scared him-- has gone back. I was shocked (WHY) at first, he was doing great....I feel terrible for her. I feel terrible for everyone who loves an addict.

Coping

Wow the insight this disease gives us. I only wish the A's themselves could see the world the way we do.Thank you for your help.