TNgirlNVA

My husband is an alcoholic. I am an enabler. How do I help him but not enable him anymore? He is in treatment so I have 28 days to get myself together. He has been going to AA since last summer although many times he would drink on the way home from meetings. He was in an outpatient treatment and, well, since he is in treatment now you can guess how that worked. The longest he has been sober is 43 days (as is true for everyone, the whole story is long and pretty sad). He is a very functional alcoholic, never a DUI, never interferred with his job, only with our marriage and our family life (I have often wondered if he drank because of me...he says no) . We have been married for 14 years (this Wednesday) and have 2 handsome boys. We all worry for him, but even the boys are skeptical that "Dad's for real" this time.

What can I do to help him but not continue to enable him??

minnie

Hi there TNgirlNVA and welcome to SR.

You've come to the right place for help and support.

First of all, check out the Friends and Family board here - that's where you can find out the answers to any and all questions about living with an alcoholic.

Read the "sticky" or "power" posts at the top of that forum and also on the nar-anon one.

Can you get to an al-anon meeting? You're right - you have the chance now that he's away to focus on you. Meetings are a great way to do this. Try at least 6 before you fdecide whether they are for you.

Get hold of Melody Beattie's book "Co-dependent No More". I swear that you think she's written it just for you.

And most of all, keep coming back here.

Looking forward to getting to know you.

Love

Minnie
xxx

BubbaBob

TN, one thing I'd add to Minnie's post...as she said try several AlAnon meetings. Also, in going to several meetings, try several DIFFERENT meetings. My wife was not going to go to AlAnon because she had tried it when she was married to her first husband, also an alcoholic. The meetings she attended were all bitch sessions about drunk sessions rather than sessions teaching her how to deal with an alcoholic from a healthy perspective. While I was in treatment the place I was in had a week-long "family week" each month, which she took time off from work to attend. She saw there how AlAnon was supposed to work and now attends 3 AlAnon meetings a week, one of which she started, and all the meetings she goes to are healing directed, not gripe sessions.

BubbaBob

minnie

Good point Bubba.

Jupiter2

Hi TNgirlNVA,

You never know, but this time around treatment might "take". Many of us have been in and out of AA, drinking while going to meetings, or just trying to quit for years on our own. In many cases a miracle has occurred at some point in this cycle. We have stopped drinking and started going to meetings and have started to work the program with a sponsor. You never know when this might happen. It might be a bit dated, but there is a chapter in the Big Book "To Wives" that explains some ways to deal with the alcoholic husband who is still drinking.

As minnie and Bubbabob have said, alanon might be a good place to start.

My prayers are with you and your family.