suffocating from secrecy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: ny ny
Posts: 28
suffocating from secrecy
Hi all,
I'm new. I am struggling with dependency (addiction?) to prescription drugs (valium, xanax, others) I have been becoming more and more depressed and feeling lost. I want to get help so badly. I went to an NA meeting and I came out feeling so much more lost then before. My family has no idea I have a problem. I can't tell them. I would destroy their trust in me. I am so frightened that everything I have will be lost if my family learns I have a problem. Would my husband ever trust me again, would he look at me differently as a burden instead of a partner? Will he be afraid of me taking care of the children? I just can't risk it.
So how can I participate in a recovery program? How can I have a sponser? How can I be of service? How can I make friends and be part of the community? How can I go from being a secret addict to being a secret NA member?
I feel desperate and lost and almost like just giving up.
Necile
I'm new. I am struggling with dependency (addiction?) to prescription drugs (valium, xanax, others) I have been becoming more and more depressed and feeling lost. I want to get help so badly. I went to an NA meeting and I came out feeling so much more lost then before. My family has no idea I have a problem. I can't tell them. I would destroy their trust in me. I am so frightened that everything I have will be lost if my family learns I have a problem. Would my husband ever trust me again, would he look at me differently as a burden instead of a partner? Will he be afraid of me taking care of the children? I just can't risk it.
So how can I participate in a recovery program? How can I have a sponser? How can I be of service? How can I make friends and be part of the community? How can I go from being a secret addict to being a secret NA member?
I feel desperate and lost and almost like just giving up.
Necile
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 307
Hi Necile,
Don't give up. There is hope. I'm finding that out every day that I continue to go to AA meetings (and post here on SR). I am new too, but have found that a daily meeting and now working with my temporary sponsor is beinning to end the isolation. I was afraid to tell my wife that I was going to AA. I finally did, and the reaction has turned out to be a positive one (although almost no reaction at first). You need to take care of yourself first and not worry about what others will think if you go to meetings. I had your same fears and very few of them have turned out to be founded in reality. One thing you can do now is to keep posting here. There are many wonderful people here to give you support.
Jupiter2
Don't give up. There is hope. I'm finding that out every day that I continue to go to AA meetings (and post here on SR). I am new too, but have found that a daily meeting and now working with my temporary sponsor is beinning to end the isolation. I was afraid to tell my wife that I was going to AA. I finally did, and the reaction has turned out to be a positive one (although almost no reaction at first). You need to take care of yourself first and not worry about what others will think if you go to meetings. I had your same fears and very few of them have turned out to be founded in reality. One thing you can do now is to keep posting here. There are many wonderful people here to give you support.
Jupiter2
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: somewhere
Posts: 82
he may know
It has been my experience that i thought i had my addiction hid and went i come out about it everybody was so relieved and cried and was so thankful i was going to get help.
He is your husband and that means through thick and thin. you may be surprised that he feels so proud and it took a lot from you to admit it and come clean, he knows you love the kids....keep posting there is wonderful people with good advice. GOd bless
He is your husband and that means through thick and thin. you may be surprised that he feels so proud and it took a lot from you to admit it and come clean, he knows you love the kids....keep posting there is wonderful people with good advice. GOd bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: ny ny
Posts: 28
THank you so much for the quick replies! It gives me a little hope. I think I will keep going to meetings and stay silent and quiet about it for a while. Maybe, maybe I could tell my husband but never the rest of my family. Not my parents.
Who do you all feel needs to know this? Is it important to "come out" to everyone? Can you recover in secret? I am so so very scared.
-Necile
Who do you all feel needs to know this? Is it important to "come out" to everyone? Can you recover in secret? I am so so very scared.
-Necile
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 307
Necile,
Since I am quite new too, I am going to defer to others on SR with more sober time. Keep checking this thread over the next hours and days and you will get more replies from a lot of helpful people. My prayers are with you.
Since I am quite new too, I am going to defer to others on SR with more sober time. Keep checking this thread over the next hours and days and you will get more replies from a lot of helpful people. My prayers are with you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 16
In the beginning when I realized I had a problem and started trying to quit on my own, I had the same concerns you did and tried to hide it from my husband. For me, that did not work. My husband was surprised to hear that I was an alcoholic... for him, it ended up explaining quite a bit about my behavior, and now he has the opportunity to seek help for his codependence. And it did hurt the trust between us - but if I hadn't turned the corner and been honest with him, we would have continued to live a lie, and sooner or later the house of glass would have shattered - now we have the chance to rebuild the trust and make our relationship stronger. Honestly, it is not always easy with both of us working on our issues, but it is definitely what we are supposed to be doing and it is making us much stronger and healthier, both as individuals and as a couple.
And for me, the secrets are what get me into trouble. I have learned that the best thing to do for me is to not keep secrets, and the second I "tell" on myself I feel a huge load lifted. Now, there is the anonymous part of the program. I did not tell the rest of my family beyond my husband, until one fine day when one of them told me my brother has a problem. I decided then to break my anonymity, so that if he does ask this family member for help, they can let him know he is not alone (as I gave permission for them to do).
The worst thing about secrets is that we keep them because we think we are not good enough - if people know they will judge us, reject us, leave us. But that is the disease of addiction manipulating us. In reality we are good people, and when we recover and achieve sobriety through a 12 Step program, we become even better people and experience much more love and satisfaction with life than we would have had we successfully kept our "dirty little secrets."
So for now, just focus on staying sober. Keep it simple. Don't worry about the future or mull over the past - you can't do anything about either. Live in today. Go to meetings. Keep coming back here. As you begin to heal, answers like who to tell will become clear. Most of us have been exactly where you are and completely understand - what you are feeling is very normal. And you will get through it, and you will get better if you do the work!
And for me, the secrets are what get me into trouble. I have learned that the best thing to do for me is to not keep secrets, and the second I "tell" on myself I feel a huge load lifted. Now, there is the anonymous part of the program. I did not tell the rest of my family beyond my husband, until one fine day when one of them told me my brother has a problem. I decided then to break my anonymity, so that if he does ask this family member for help, they can let him know he is not alone (as I gave permission for them to do).
The worst thing about secrets is that we keep them because we think we are not good enough - if people know they will judge us, reject us, leave us. But that is the disease of addiction manipulating us. In reality we are good people, and when we recover and achieve sobriety through a 12 Step program, we become even better people and experience much more love and satisfaction with life than we would have had we successfully kept our "dirty little secrets."
So for now, just focus on staying sober. Keep it simple. Don't worry about the future or mull over the past - you can't do anything about either. Live in today. Go to meetings. Keep coming back here. As you begin to heal, answers like who to tell will become clear. Most of us have been exactly where you are and completely understand - what you are feeling is very normal. And you will get through it, and you will get better if you do the work!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3
Hi Necile,
I was very heavily addicted to pills also... Xanax, Ambien, etc. No one had any idea at all until one day I told me dad he had to come home from work to drive me to detox. Even my psychiatrist at the time has no idea I had a problem until I told him....a problem with pills he prescribed. However, at that time I had nothing to lose. Still, telling was hard. I was shocked to find out how supportive everyone was.
I'm having a lot of issues again, mostly with food right now and I'm in the same spot you are. This time around I'm married, I have 2 kids, etc. I have everything to lose. I too worry about trust issues with my husband and if he will see me as unfit. However, the conclusion I have come to is that he had a right to know and if I tell him then he would respect me and support me a lot more then if I didn't try to get help and if he found out some other way. I personally don't think its necessary to tell your whole family but I do think you need a support system and your husband would be perfect for that. You gotta remember that addiction is a disease and if you had any other disease would you feel as ashamed? I wish you the best of luck!!
hugs,
Jen
I was very heavily addicted to pills also... Xanax, Ambien, etc. No one had any idea at all until one day I told me dad he had to come home from work to drive me to detox. Even my psychiatrist at the time has no idea I had a problem until I told him....a problem with pills he prescribed. However, at that time I had nothing to lose. Still, telling was hard. I was shocked to find out how supportive everyone was.
I'm having a lot of issues again, mostly with food right now and I'm in the same spot you are. This time around I'm married, I have 2 kids, etc. I have everything to lose. I too worry about trust issues with my husband and if he will see me as unfit. However, the conclusion I have come to is that he had a right to know and if I tell him then he would respect me and support me a lot more then if I didn't try to get help and if he found out some other way. I personally don't think its necessary to tell your whole family but I do think you need a support system and your husband would be perfect for that. You gotta remember that addiction is a disease and if you had any other disease would you feel as ashamed? I wish you the best of luck!!
hugs,
Jen
Grateful recovering alcoholic
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Blissfield, MI
Posts: 814
Necile,
Welcome to SR. I'm Jen, alcoholic.
As far as seeking out NA meetings, congratulations. That's a great step. Keep going and be honest with them. Get a sponsor and get involved in the program and your recovery.
As far as your husband, that's up to you. He'd probably much rather here it from you than to find it out from someone else or some other way. "We are only as sick as our secrets". He has a right to know. I understand your reservations and yes, they may materialize, but he is your husband, the father of your children, and he has the right to know what's going on with you. Chances are, he will support you and your efforts. Find out if there are any Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings he might be able to attend or "open leads" so he can get an idea of what's going on.
Remember, one day at a time - that's all we have. Break it down further if you need to; one hour or one minute or one second. They all add up to 24 hours. Then they snowball from there.
As far as your family, I think your husband needs to know first...your family, in time - but probably not necessary right now.
Congratulations and good luck.
Love,
Jen
Welcome to SR. I'm Jen, alcoholic.
As far as seeking out NA meetings, congratulations. That's a great step. Keep going and be honest with them. Get a sponsor and get involved in the program and your recovery.
As far as your husband, that's up to you. He'd probably much rather here it from you than to find it out from someone else or some other way. "We are only as sick as our secrets". He has a right to know. I understand your reservations and yes, they may materialize, but he is your husband, the father of your children, and he has the right to know what's going on with you. Chances are, he will support you and your efforts. Find out if there are any Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings he might be able to attend or "open leads" so he can get an idea of what's going on.
Remember, one day at a time - that's all we have. Break it down further if you need to; one hour or one minute or one second. They all add up to 24 hours. Then they snowball from there.
As far as your family, I think your husband needs to know first...your family, in time - but probably not necessary right now.
Congratulations and good luck.
Love,
Jen
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: ny ny
Posts: 28
Thank you everyone. Thank you. I can't believe how much it helps to read these replies. Just to know that other people out there have seen my plea and took the time to write makes me feel somehow more real. more visiable.
What faere said is so true, "The worst thing about secrets is that we keep them because we think we are not good enough - if people know they will judge us, reject us, leave us."
I am so sick with secrets. I have always felt I was somehow not good enough, not fit enough to live among other people. I don't think the pills caused this, I think this feeling cuased the pill use. Or at least contributed to it. My life has been so full of poisonous secrets ever since I was a child. I am so terrified that I am holding on to everyone in my life by a tiny thread. If they learn all the truths about me they will leave me and I will be alone.
Lavender Blue, you sound so much like me. I also got in trouble witht he pills my psychiatrist gave me. And he has no idea at all or doesn't care as long as he gets his fee. I am alos struggling with food issues and have been for years.
I know I need help but part of me feels unworthy even to ask for help! All I can say is I am going to go to another meeting and see what happens. Thank you again everyone who keeps reminding me that I'm not alone.
-J
What faere said is so true, "The worst thing about secrets is that we keep them because we think we are not good enough - if people know they will judge us, reject us, leave us."
I am so sick with secrets. I have always felt I was somehow not good enough, not fit enough to live among other people. I don't think the pills caused this, I think this feeling cuased the pill use. Or at least contributed to it. My life has been so full of poisonous secrets ever since I was a child. I am so terrified that I am holding on to everyone in my life by a tiny thread. If they learn all the truths about me they will leave me and I will be alone.
Lavender Blue, you sound so much like me. I also got in trouble witht he pills my psychiatrist gave me. And he has no idea at all or doesn't care as long as he gets his fee. I am alos struggling with food issues and have been for years.
I know I need help but part of me feels unworthy even to ask for help! All I can say is I am going to go to another meeting and see what happens. Thank you again everyone who keeps reminding me that I'm not alone.
-J
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Hi Necile, and welcome.
I read your post last night, and it took be back to some of my lived experience.
I knew long before the end that I was in trouble with addiction. And I still made the choice to proceed. Thinking the inevitable consequences would somehow bypass me.
I believe today that thought process was a direct result of the self loathing I developed over so many years of abusing substances. I believed I deserved the isolation and pain of my secret.
Go to your meetings, find a way to stay clean.
As for telling your family, use discretion and common sense. The step about amends in the twelve steps is clear; "made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."
Not so much because you would be making amends to them, although perhaps so, but in the spirit it is intended. There are no written rules about these things.
Complete honesty, and common sense. A fine balance.
Your recovery comes first.
Glad you're here.
I read your post last night, and it took be back to some of my lived experience.
I knew long before the end that I was in trouble with addiction. And I still made the choice to proceed. Thinking the inevitable consequences would somehow bypass me.
I believe today that thought process was a direct result of the self loathing I developed over so many years of abusing substances. I believed I deserved the isolation and pain of my secret.
Go to your meetings, find a way to stay clean.
As for telling your family, use discretion and common sense. The step about amends in the twelve steps is clear; "made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."
Not so much because you would be making amends to them, although perhaps so, but in the spirit it is intended. There are no written rules about these things.
Complete honesty, and common sense. A fine balance.
Your recovery comes first.
Glad you're here.
NOT EVEN 1 CLUB!!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: When I find myself, I'll let you know!
Posts: 1,835
Oh girl, you most certainly are not alone!! Big hugs to you for seeing you have a problem and seeking help. I'm an alcoholic, but it all seems to work the same way. We have a disease.
Everyone doesn't need to know about it. As time goes by you start accepting it better yourself and then you can tell more people. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You have to seek help or you WILL destroy everything and everyone around you. That's the way this disease works. It is progressive.
Don't be afraid to tell your hubby, but if he doesn't have an addiction, he won't understand what you are going through. Other people don't have the same thought process we have. That why we need the help of others like ourselves. We understand, we have been there, and we are here for you now. No judgement, just support!! Experience, strength, and hope, that's what we have to offer freely to each other.
There is a better life out there. Don't be afraid to reach out for it!! It may not be easy, but it is simple!!
I also recommend Nar-anon for your husband. Mine goes to Al-anon. He got his year coin last month. I, on the other hand, have 6 months sober! LOL
Your in my thoughts and prayers,
Missy
Everyone doesn't need to know about it. As time goes by you start accepting it better yourself and then you can tell more people. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You have to seek help or you WILL destroy everything and everyone around you. That's the way this disease works. It is progressive.
Don't be afraid to tell your hubby, but if he doesn't have an addiction, he won't understand what you are going through. Other people don't have the same thought process we have. That why we need the help of others like ourselves. We understand, we have been there, and we are here for you now. No judgement, just support!! Experience, strength, and hope, that's what we have to offer freely to each other.
There is a better life out there. Don't be afraid to reach out for it!! It may not be easy, but it is simple!!
I also recommend Nar-anon for your husband. Mine goes to Al-anon. He got his year coin last month. I, on the other hand, have 6 months sober! LOL
Your in my thoughts and prayers,
Missy
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