My role - what can I do to diffuse the "drama"??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
My role - what can I do to diffuse the "drama"??
My AH blows up about once a week, and as all of us who have lived with an A know, the blow-up is about something trivial for the most part. They just want to get the DRAMA going. I have a specific quesion regarding a specific situation at this point. In the past several weeks, we have been having somewhat rational conversations (I mean, how rational can a conversation be with a drunk?), and he's suddenly just gone off on me. Now I realize I'm playing a role in this and have to take responsibility for that role, but I'm not sure what to do!
Specific example: He prepared a buffet for the Super Bowl. He put all the food out on the office table in the basement, lit a fire in the fireplace, and turned on the game. Just before the second quarter, he walked past the closet/room where our kitty-litter box and sump pump are located. We also have puppy pads on the linoleum floor. Why? Because our 3-plus-year-old Bichon is not housebroken. He'll go "toity" on the pads, but will only go outside (pee) if he's walked - which is not often. When we've gone camping, the poor dog has no choice but to do all his "potty-mess" in the woods.
Here's the deal: my husband doesn't want to be "bothered" getting up at 6 am to walk the dog. I don't do it because my AH bought the dog before we were involved. It's HIS dog. My two cats are litter-box trained and I keep the box very clean. Yeah, I clean up the puppy pads, but I feel it would be enabling even more to get up at 6 am to walk HIS dog.
So ... he walks past the "doo-doo room" and sighs. Apparently doggie had taken a massive gassive. I simply said, "Well, at least he goes in the right place. You can't expect him to go outside because he hasn't been trained that way." Well, in two seconds, my plate of food was whisked away and the buffet was dumped upstairs in the kitchen! He said, "I'm not some *$&*(&$ moron who is going to walk my dog at 6 am!!!" Hey, fine with me!
The next day I get an apology email. I take that about as seriously as I take his drunken outbursts. So .... what more can I do to change my behavior or actions to force him to change to some degree? According to Al-Anon, if I don't get drawn into a situation, it will leave the responsibility for his actions and emotions up to him. I'M DOING MY BEST NOT TO GET DRAWN IN! BUT IS THERE OTHER BEHAVIORS I CAN USE IN ORDER TO NOT GET DRAWN INTO THESE DRAMAS?
I don't like feeling p.o.'d the next day or having an attitude, but sometimes I do. Generally, I just let this stuff roll off my back, but what else can I do to make him have a sense of responsibility for his own insanity???
Specific example: He prepared a buffet for the Super Bowl. He put all the food out on the office table in the basement, lit a fire in the fireplace, and turned on the game. Just before the second quarter, he walked past the closet/room where our kitty-litter box and sump pump are located. We also have puppy pads on the linoleum floor. Why? Because our 3-plus-year-old Bichon is not housebroken. He'll go "toity" on the pads, but will only go outside (pee) if he's walked - which is not often. When we've gone camping, the poor dog has no choice but to do all his "potty-mess" in the woods.
Here's the deal: my husband doesn't want to be "bothered" getting up at 6 am to walk the dog. I don't do it because my AH bought the dog before we were involved. It's HIS dog. My two cats are litter-box trained and I keep the box very clean. Yeah, I clean up the puppy pads, but I feel it would be enabling even more to get up at 6 am to walk HIS dog.
So ... he walks past the "doo-doo room" and sighs. Apparently doggie had taken a massive gassive. I simply said, "Well, at least he goes in the right place. You can't expect him to go outside because he hasn't been trained that way." Well, in two seconds, my plate of food was whisked away and the buffet was dumped upstairs in the kitchen! He said, "I'm not some *$&*(&$ moron who is going to walk my dog at 6 am!!!" Hey, fine with me!
The next day I get an apology email. I take that about as seriously as I take his drunken outbursts. So .... what more can I do to change my behavior or actions to force him to change to some degree? According to Al-Anon, if I don't get drawn into a situation, it will leave the responsibility for his actions and emotions up to him. I'M DOING MY BEST NOT TO GET DRAWN IN! BUT IS THERE OTHER BEHAVIORS I CAN USE IN ORDER TO NOT GET DRAWN INTO THESE DRAMAS?
I don't like feeling p.o.'d the next day or having an attitude, but sometimes I do. Generally, I just let this stuff roll off my back, but what else can I do to make him have a sense of responsibility for his own insanity???
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Prodigal,
Letting stuff roll off your back can be a good thing - as long as it doesn't turn into denial.
[/QUOTE] what else can I do to make him have a sense of responsibility for his own insanity??? [QUOTE]
The answer is nothing. You can't make him do anything. You can concentrate on you and your recovery, and 'keep your side of the street clean'. In these situations it's really important to pick your battles. Is when and where the dog goes to the bathroom a deal breaker for you? Only you can decide that. It takes time, but things will get better and the situation can change.
Hugs and love
Barb
Letting stuff roll off your back can be a good thing - as long as it doesn't turn into denial.
[/QUOTE] what else can I do to make him have a sense of responsibility for his own insanity??? [QUOTE]
The answer is nothing. You can't make him do anything. You can concentrate on you and your recovery, and 'keep your side of the street clean'. In these situations it's really important to pick your battles. Is when and where the dog goes to the bathroom a deal breaker for you? Only you can decide that. It takes time, but things will get better and the situation can change.
Hugs and love
Barb
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Well, at least you didn't call him a moron!!! That's a step in the right direction!!!!
It seems sometimes that we may just have to say nothing at all. That is a great way to have a relationship, huh?
Sorry, don't have any advice.
It seems sometimes that we may just have to say nothing at all. That is a great way to have a relationship, huh?
Sorry, don't have any advice.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 16
"What can I do to make him have a sense of responsibility for his own insanity?" YOU cannot make or force him do anything. The only thing you have control over are your actions and reactions. You have no control over his behavior, and any attempt to manipulate it on your part is likely to fail. A wise AA friend of mine once said "expectations are premeditated resentments", and he is absolutely right. You are just setting yourself up for a resentment trying to control his behavior. Remember the Serenity Prayer.
Your role is to take care of yourself. Try to stay detached with love. Keep your own side of the street clean. Pray. Keep talking to those in recovery. Go to a meeting. Write and/or read your gratitude list. Consider that every time you try to manipulate his behavior, you are giving your power away... right into thin air. If you know you are dealing with someone irrational, trying to reason with them or expecting them to be able to reason is wishful thinking.
And as for him, the best way to help him is to allow him his learning opportunities. What I mean here is don't enable him and leave him to his responsibilities. And I'm not sure I would expect him to take feedback he didn't ask for without a blow up. Remember - you cannot change him, only he can change him. Do something good for yourself and your recovery instead - it will be a much more productive use of your energy!
Your role is to take care of yourself. Try to stay detached with love. Keep your own side of the street clean. Pray. Keep talking to those in recovery. Go to a meeting. Write and/or read your gratitude list. Consider that every time you try to manipulate his behavior, you are giving your power away... right into thin air. If you know you are dealing with someone irrational, trying to reason with them or expecting them to be able to reason is wishful thinking.
And as for him, the best way to help him is to allow him his learning opportunities. What I mean here is don't enable him and leave him to his responsibilities. And I'm not sure I would expect him to take feedback he didn't ask for without a blow up. Remember - you cannot change him, only he can change him. Do something good for yourself and your recovery instead - it will be a much more productive use of your energy!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Your advice is well taken and makes sense....
... but the Al-Anon book, "The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage" discusses how we should speak to the A when they're sober to let them know what WE plan to do - no nagging, blaming or preaching - simply saying, "When you put me down, even though I realize you don't mean it, I plan to leave the house," or "If you choose not to be home for dinner at 6, I'll keep a plate for you in the 'fridge if you want to reheat it." It's tough treating people who abuse us with kid gloves. On the other hand, I realize I have to take care of myself.
It's just that it seems from the Al-Anon perspective that there's a way I should be able to ASK for respect - not necessarily expecting to receive it - but be able to ask for it and to get through on some level to the A.
It's just that it seems from the Al-Anon perspective that there's a way I should be able to ASK for respect - not necessarily expecting to receive it - but be able to ask for it and to get through on some level to the A.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Prodigal,
It is easy to get caught in the details of the literature. Looking at the big picture, what those quotes are saying is to say what you mean and do what you say. I would never say something like "I will fix you a plate" but I have said "I am not going anywhere today but know that I will not be living this way forever" And I was specific about the offending behavior. And when I said that I refused to be drawn into the details....the noise. It was a simple statement of fact that I could back up.
I practically lived in my car for a period of time early on. There was a lot of fighting in my house and when it broke out I grabbed my keys and left. I discovered that the behavior would stop when I was not there to perform for. Your husband is performing too and he is getting something for it. I have no clue what that is but when he stops getting it he may stop with the encores.
Another thing is that when you make those statements you are taking a risk. You may have to follow through so think it through before you speak. The way I see it is taking back your own power. I have requirements and if the other person can't meet them I then have choices.
Hugs,
JT
It is easy to get caught in the details of the literature. Looking at the big picture, what those quotes are saying is to say what you mean and do what you say. I would never say something like "I will fix you a plate" but I have said "I am not going anywhere today but know that I will not be living this way forever" And I was specific about the offending behavior. And when I said that I refused to be drawn into the details....the noise. It was a simple statement of fact that I could back up.
I practically lived in my car for a period of time early on. There was a lot of fighting in my house and when it broke out I grabbed my keys and left. I discovered that the behavior would stop when I was not there to perform for. Your husband is performing too and he is getting something for it. I have no clue what that is but when he stops getting it he may stop with the encores.
Another thing is that when you make those statements you are taking a risk. You may have to follow through so think it through before you speak. The way I see it is taking back your own power. I have requirements and if the other person can't meet them I then have choices.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
All good advice above.The only thing id add is please,find a loving,caring home for the doggie.He is the one paying the price.One person is not being responsible,and the other wont help the doggie.,because its not her dog.He is the one stuck in the middle of this.Suffering because of humans.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Yeah, maybe finding another home for the pooch would't be a bad idea.
Choices, choices, choices.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
Consequences, consequences, consequences.
No, I haven't gone mad (not completely!), but this is, for me, what living with an A boils down to. Nothing complicated.
Take care
Love
Minnie
xxx
Choices, choices, choices.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
Consequences, consequences, consequences.
No, I haven't gone mad (not completely!), but this is, for me, what living with an A boils down to. Nothing complicated.
Take care
Love
Minnie
xxx
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
