MysticCat

Ok, this may be long and I am sorry for that. I am freaking out here. A quick overview of my situation.....husband is an active functioning A. I have a 13 yr old daughter from first marriage. We have two little ones together. Now my AH and teen do not get along. Not even slightly. Most of the fights are verbal and yelling. And my teen does not hold back. She cusses at him and isnt shy about provoking him either. So here is the thing. I took my daughter to counselling in hopes of getting help for her depression (her biological father is moving across country with his new family) and she was having trouble in school (she has ADD, not on meds) so thought I could take care of all that in addition to getting us in family counselling. My last attempt and salvaging my family. So, anyway, things that were revealed to the counsellor by her and me have caused CPS to get involved with my family. I have never dealt with them before. I am really scared they will take my kids away. I am a good Mom! I stay home with my kids and I have done everything in my power to make my A see he is destroying our family. I told him if it comes to a choice between keeping him or my kids (any of them) he is going to LOSE!!!! He thinks we can just lie our way through this. And that all the fights are caused because my teen is lazy, doesnt listen, doesnt respect me or him and if she would just do what she is told and show respect, there wouldnt be a problem. So, I ask you all this, anyone dealt with CPS? What happened? Should I be honest? I just am beside myself here. Thanks for your input!

Blessings,
MysticCat

minnie

MysticCat

This must be terrifying for you. I am so sorry to hear that you are in this situation.

Is your daughter in danger? Is your A covering up for his own behaviours? I am concerned that he thinks that lying is an option. You know that could get you all in more trouble, right? And what kind of message would that send to your kids?

I don't have the answers to your questions about the CPS as I am in England. I hope someone can come along with more experience.

Thinking of you.

Love

Minnie
xxx

walkingtheline

First of all, whatever/whoever they believe has hurt/is hurting your child has GOT to be removed from and unwelcomed in your home. PERIOD. If you have a problem person in your life they have got to go or CPS WILL take your children.

Once CPS comes into your life their matra will be the best interest of the children. CPS does not want to take children. It's emotionally awful for all. Their goal will be to find a way to keep the family together. It's in your best interest to cooperate with them. Accept their suggestions. If you really disagree, say so in a even tone and explain your reservations. You do not want to be seen as uncooperative or out-of-control.

In my opinion you have two problems.

1. An AH. They will not take your children because your husband drinks, but they will take them if they feel he is in some way putting them in danger. If he drinks and drives with them in the car, fails to supervise them properly, abuses them physically or emotionally, that could be grounds to take your children if he refuses to address his problem and you choose to remain with him untreated. Remember, in the best interest of the children.

2. You have a young teen who is angry, cursing, having problems in school and now, somehow harmed by someone. She needs help and your support. She needs help to somehow return to being thirteen.

Lying your way out of anything is just wrong. What kind of an example is that for your children? You do not have to bare your soul, but if you're asked or you think it's information that would help your children, anything less would simply be wrong.

My ex made accusations at the beginning of our divorce. Yes, CPS came. Yes, it was uncomfortable. No, they did not take my children. I listened closely, answered their questions, they spoke with the children. They visited once a month for three months, closed the case.

Breathe, girl, breathe. You CAN get thru this! Act in the best interest of your children and things will be okay.

Take care...I'm sure there will be many prayers lifted up on your behalf.

wraybear

Mystic, yes, i have. Very similar situation started when my daughter was about 11 or 12. My AH, her step-dad, did a lot of yelling, called her names and occassional slapping. She is ADHD, but wasn't diagnosed until she was about 15, then started meds. She has also been diagnosed as being bipolar and has attempted suicide twice. It was hell. Feeling "pulled" between the two. When SRS was called, she called regarding something that happened with her older sister, I defended AH. I was very concerned the little ones, ages 1 and 4 would be taken away too.

I very very very very much regret that now.
There is absolutely no excuse for my behavior in not standing up for my daugher. I can't tell you enough that if you feel you need to lie about something, then maybe something is happening that shouldn't be happening. If he has called her names, that can damage her fragile teen mind for a very long time. These precious young girls just need to know they are loved. And, it baffles my mind that my AH would rather argue with her about her putting her cereal bowl in the dishwasher than show her how much he loves her.

At 15 she started running away, was permiscuous, and every time I would report her, they would pick her up, and call me to come get her. Well, the 3rd or 4th time, I refused to pick her up. She ended up in foster care for the last 2 years of high school. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but at the time, I felt I had no choice.

I hope she can get a diagnosis and consider meds. ADHD, Depression, ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) are all intertwined. It might also help her tremendously to go to Alateen. They learn skills on how to live with an A.

By the way, my daughter is now almost 19 and a lovely, well-adjusted young lady working full-time and going to college full-time! You'll never guess what she wants to be... a prosecuting attorney so she can put away the bad guys!!

Mystic, tell the truth. It is best. Your daughter needs you to tell the truth.

rivercitybelle

CPS are under a great deal of pressure these days due to high profile cases. They are trying to make sure children don't slip through the cracks in situations.
DON'T lie to them! Cooperating is the best thing you can do with CPS.
Don't stress them.
Concentrate on you and your daughter... what you need to do to help your child get well.

TinyVoice

I have no experience with CPS. I think you have gotten good advice. I can just say that I have had experience with my two grils and my ex-ABF. HE was very argumentative with my oldest. They were at opposite ends of the political spectrum. She's very smart and sweet but he wouldn't allow her to have "liberal" views. He called her a communist because she was a democrat. He told racial jokes. All kinds of things that I had taught my children were wrong. She stood up against him. Bless her. I let it slide. I didn't have backbone. I needed a man or so I thought at the time. He used to complain that she didn't respect him. He's right, she didn't. He didn't deserve it. Well, for me, I had to ask him to leave. I could fill this big huge canyon developing between my child and me. He was pulling me over to one side of it with him...away from her. I couldn't stand it any more. I wanted my child back.

Then once while really really drunk, he began tickling her. I thought it was great that finally they were getting along for once. It was funny at first. Then it got weird. That was IT. She saw nothing wrong with it. She wasn't uncomfortable but I was MAJORLY uncomfortable. I saw his facial expression. I knew how drunk he was. I knew that look. It was just a feeling. NOthing happened. But it was enough for me. My instincts are excellent and my instinct said...get this man out of this house NOW. And this was a man I loved deeply. That I had spent hours talking to about our lives, our dreams. And in this one deeply drunken moment...I saw someone else. It scared the daylights out of me.

I don't know what your situation is. But I do not buy that respect BS. Not in the least. He has to EARN her respect. AND he needs to understand that she is a step. He needs to be the mature one. Offering understanding and love. But my A didn't have it to give. HE was all about taking. And he was too busy playing games and manipulating to be a real father figure.

MysticCat

Thank you so much for all your words of support. Now I will answer some of the questions posed here. First off, no I do not feel the need to lie. He is in the wrong and he knows this. We have talked on this subject before. I always side with my daughter. I know she likes to provoke him, she has said this and I try to get her not to, but even when she does, I side with her stating he is the adult and should act it. The fights almost always go like this: he asks her politely to do or not do something (ie, pick up something of hers, put away something she left out, stop yelling at the little ones, etc) she comes back with a sarcastic response or tells him to leave her alone, ets. Well, this angers him. He raises his voice repeating the request, and she raises her voice and so it goes. She slams doors, throws things, kicks things and has caused property damage. Yet, I still side with her, because I have to. Anyway, in the past 5 years, I could count on one hand the times anything has become physical. And it is two sided there too. She has hit him as well. Now, I am not defending him, nor will I defend him to CPS. I will shed light on the fact that I have behavior and anger issues with her. She has been diagnosed with ADD, and ODD, this I know. All of these are reasons why I sought counselling to begin with. I am doing everything in my power to do what is best for my kids. Getting him to agree to go to family counselling was a big step. At this point CPS told me they are getting involved in and educational role. I assume they will be checking out our living conditions and giving us specifics to follow to comply with thier terms. And last, to tinyvoice, YES! I agree respect has to be earned, I have told him this. And as for the other part of your situation, well I never worry about that, he is just not that type. He NEVER shows her any type of affection (actually he fears it would be misconstrued as what you explained). So, with all of this, I hope that CPS sees I am sane, and I do put my kids first, and I will jump through any hoop they want for me to do what is best for my kids, even if it means leaving him. Because Yes, I am healthy enough to know that would be the right thing to do. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, and I will keep you updated on this situation.
Blessings,
MysticCat