Control Issues and Being Nosy
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Lancaster
Posts: 120
Control Issues and Being Nosy
Hi, As I am working through my recovery each day gets better but it seems like I keep coming up with all these questions. As you may know my AB and I broke up on New Years Day. He had both drug and alcohol problems and is still in denial of both. I have taken a lot of time evaluating myself and I want to take my fair share of responsibility for our problems.
Here is what I have been pondering today - my ex accuses me of trying to control him and also says I was always in his business. I feel that when you are in a serious committed relationship you really shouldn't have secrets. At least not about the important stuff - of course you can keep a birthday present a surprise until you give it to your SO - but you know what I mean. I also feel that once you have been lied to you have a hard time trusing someone again. My ex lied to me more than I can even recall. Plus there are a lot of things that were probably lies that I didn't even know about. So I feel that I was not really wrong in questioning things that just didn't seem right to me. He always told me I took out my lack of trust from past relationships on him. He never once owned up to the fact that he lied to me and that is why I didn't trust him. And the lies were about all kinds of things - some things I have no idea why he lied about because they just were not important. I remember after I moved out and incident were he went off on me because I answered his phone. He had this tirade because I had no business answering his phone. Now this happened about a month after I moved out so I was still getting calls there - plus the call was for me. I remember another time that the phone rang and he yelled at me not to answer - he didn't answer either. But then he went upstairs to take a shower and took the phone with him. Okay now is that odd or is it just me. So I went upstairs and I heard him turn on the shower and then make a phone call. Now it just seems to me that he had something to hide. And these are just a few of the incidents.
What I would like to know is if in your opinion expecting someone you are in a relationship with to have secrets from you. My life was an open book to my ex. I had no secrets from him - other than the fact that I did go up the stairs that day and hear him make a call. But I had no problem with him answering my phone, being at my house alone or anything else. Was I asking to much, I am just a really nosy bit** like he says?? Don't take this the wrong way - I am not blaming myself for our problems and I have moved on from him - I would like some other views for any relationship I may have going forward.
Thanks for your feedback!!!
Here is what I have been pondering today - my ex accuses me of trying to control him and also says I was always in his business. I feel that when you are in a serious committed relationship you really shouldn't have secrets. At least not about the important stuff - of course you can keep a birthday present a surprise until you give it to your SO - but you know what I mean. I also feel that once you have been lied to you have a hard time trusing someone again. My ex lied to me more than I can even recall. Plus there are a lot of things that were probably lies that I didn't even know about. So I feel that I was not really wrong in questioning things that just didn't seem right to me. He always told me I took out my lack of trust from past relationships on him. He never once owned up to the fact that he lied to me and that is why I didn't trust him. And the lies were about all kinds of things - some things I have no idea why he lied about because they just were not important. I remember after I moved out and incident were he went off on me because I answered his phone. He had this tirade because I had no business answering his phone. Now this happened about a month after I moved out so I was still getting calls there - plus the call was for me. I remember another time that the phone rang and he yelled at me not to answer - he didn't answer either. But then he went upstairs to take a shower and took the phone with him. Okay now is that odd or is it just me. So I went upstairs and I heard him turn on the shower and then make a phone call. Now it just seems to me that he had something to hide. And these are just a few of the incidents.
What I would like to know is if in your opinion expecting someone you are in a relationship with to have secrets from you. My life was an open book to my ex. I had no secrets from him - other than the fact that I did go up the stairs that day and hear him make a call. But I had no problem with him answering my phone, being at my house alone or anything else. Was I asking to much, I am just a really nosy bit** like he says?? Don't take this the wrong way - I am not blaming myself for our problems and I have moved on from him - I would like some other views for any relationship I may have going forward.
Thanks for your feedback!!!
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
This a post from the nar-anon forum
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
There is a difference between a relationship with an addicted person and one with a healthy person.
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
There is a difference between a relationship with an addicted person and one with a healthy person.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Okay, I'll take a guess - and mind you, it's just my guess - that the phonecall "thing" that he pulled by taking the phone up to the bathroom and making a call with the shower going - was a call to his drug dealer.
The point is, you don't know, we don't know, and only he and God knows who he was talking to. Was his lying and was his overall behavior weird? No, not for an addict. Like the previous post said, that's what addicts DO. Period.
You've gotta go with your own gut instincts. If you think he was as looney as a s***-house rat, that's okay. You have a right to your opinions and you also have a right to validate them yourself. Sure, his behavior was crazy-making for you, but addicts are insane when they're actively using. The only responsibility you have is to figure out your own role in the lunacy. Forget trying to figure out what's inside his head.
I would assume that his basic motivation for doing anything stemmed from his addictions and his addictive behaviors. But you'll drive yourself nuts trying to figure out why addicts do what they do. Heck, THEY don't even know why they do what they do!
The point is, you don't know, we don't know, and only he and God knows who he was talking to. Was his lying and was his overall behavior weird? No, not for an addict. Like the previous post said, that's what addicts DO. Period.
You've gotta go with your own gut instincts. If you think he was as looney as a s***-house rat, that's okay. You have a right to your opinions and you also have a right to validate them yourself. Sure, his behavior was crazy-making for you, but addicts are insane when they're actively using. The only responsibility you have is to figure out your own role in the lunacy. Forget trying to figure out what's inside his head.
I would assume that his basic motivation for doing anything stemmed from his addictions and his addictive behaviors. But you'll drive yourself nuts trying to figure out why addicts do what they do. Heck, THEY don't even know why they do what they do!
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I don't think you need to give yourself a hard time about what you did when you were with your exA......You did what you did because you could not stop your self. I know it is difficult to let it all go but, you will in time. Be gentle with yourself take care of you....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: South
Posts: 63
Minnie, I absolutely LOVE the post from the Nar Anon forum! Oh, how I want to show that to my AH. He would have totally agreed with it in rehab and even right out of rehab. However, now he is back to being in DENIAL-- Acronym for "Don't Even Know I Am Lying!" (someone here posted that a while back! thanks!) He doesn't want to hear anything having to do with his addiction. But I really appreciate your post.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
Hi Benefits.
I am glad you are working on your recovery.
So am I.
I have been separated from my AH for 9 months now with divorce papers filed and no looking back.
I am secure and happy in my decision.
Now I am just working on me, to make sure I am never again the person who would have accepted that relationship as good enough in the first place.
I read your post and I hear myself, a while back.
I bet I could even find an old post of mine that might read the same.
I can only tell you that the fact we even doubt yourself like you are is something you will find amazing as you progress in your recovery.
You will learn to trust your own instincts more, and know that he was just manipulating you into doubting what was very clearly selfish behavior on his part.
I am glad you are working on your recovery.
So am I.
I have been separated from my AH for 9 months now with divorce papers filed and no looking back.
I am secure and happy in my decision.
Now I am just working on me, to make sure I am never again the person who would have accepted that relationship as good enough in the first place.
I read your post and I hear myself, a while back.
I bet I could even find an old post of mine that might read the same.
I can only tell you that the fact we even doubt yourself like you are is something you will find amazing as you progress in your recovery.
You will learn to trust your own instincts more, and know that he was just manipulating you into doubting what was very clearly selfish behavior on his part.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
Posts: 209
It's just pretty typical addict behavior on his part. Healthy relationships are supposed to be pretty open - that's what I'm told at any rate! wouldn't know, never been in one apparently. Now I don't believe that we should be totally open about our past relationships with our current SO, no one really wants to hear everything about their predecessor, but other than that, it's not a good relationship if there's coverups and denials and secrets. Addicts do complain about people controlling them, and sometimes we do, hard not to when we see how badly they're screwing up, but your AB is acting like an addict.
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