equus

It's my birthday on Saturday and as usual (it seems) I'm left partly dreading the prospect!! D really doesn't want to go into town, friends really don't want to go bowling, I really want to just have some fun!!

Without any choices left I've offered to do dinner, I do like cooking but for the second time around I'm getting asked whether it's ok for people to bring their own booze. I never really got as far as a clear answer last time because in the end everything got cancelled!

D is adiment that this is his problem, his fault and no-one should have to cut him any slack - that they should bring booze BUT - It's MY bloody birthday and I just want to have some fun booze free!! On the other hand I don't want an evening where everyone else feels uncomfortable, that would make ME miserable.

I drafted the email below and asked D what he thought, he took a bit of arm twisting to see that I want some time with friends and no booze but wasn't trying to force them. 4 mails later he agreed it was OK and even said he was looking forward to the night. He'll have plenty of other chances to sit round drinkers and sweat it out alone - just not on my birthday!! (If they are willing of course!).

Do you think the email gets it across ok? Now I'm nervously waiting for replies.... At least D is ok with it - 1 down 4 to go!!


Hi all,

Me and D might have decided to stop drinking for a month or two but we definately don't plan to stop having fun or stop anyone else having fun!! If having fun means bringing some wine then please don't worry, just bring it and enjoy the evening.

I want to start to enjoy stuff without booze, I know it's more than possible. I can't think how many times I've spent hours with you chatting, or pissed myself laughing while skating, swimming, walking, travelling, riding and working (except in this bloody job!!). I want to start doing that again because when I look back at all the best times I've had with everyone, they've been sober and most of the worst have been after a drink.

On my birthday the most important thing is that everybody has a good time - that's much more important than booze!! I suppose if that's easy enough without booze I'd feel even better because one way or another that's where I want to go and it'd seem a fine way to celebrate.

Whatever happens the most important thing to me is that we have a good time so don't worry if that means bringing wine. Does everyone like the sound of a fish starter, roast lamb and sticky toffee pudding??

See you soon

minnie

That sounds nicely judged to me, equus.

Sounds like a lovely meal too? You're not in East Anglia are you? I'm free on Saturday. (lol)

equus

There are very few things in life I feel confident saying I'm good at. One is that I'm a fair to middling horse breaker, the second would be that I can cook!! (My baking is bloody dreadful though!! - the pud comes pre-made!).

I love a table spread with food, I love seeing people want seconds and having more and more to offer, my perfect birthday would just be to go mad and cook food to kill for and then sit back and see everyone loving every second of it. I enjoy that I can do it, I love starting with market bought veg, fresh grown herbs, muddy potatoes, nice hand picked meat, fresh fish with twinkley eyes. I love all the colours, and flavours and smells, I show off shamelessly and it seems one time when everyone there likes it the more I show off!!

The thought of that being over shadowed by people wondering who they should or shouldn't offer wine to, what I should or should do with alcoholic leftovers, who I should give wine glasses to, people sat miserable and feeling controlled, D feeling like a twit because he thinks it's all his fault - BLAH!! It just makes my heart sink!

I just want to have a party!

cwohio

i think it's great equus - and can i come for the sticky toffee pudding? mmmmmmmm!

equus

Ok - all of you who believe in a HP, how do you fancy praying I get some acting skills?

2 said they're bringing wine anyway, 1 said nothing about the wine but that they were dissappointed not to be going out!!

Happy birthday to me!!

What really hurts is that after so many years telling himself he was completely socially cr*p, while he drank D told me these were the first group of people who'd ever actually seemed to like him - the first time he felt like he fitted in!! I was so proud of them, my life long friends who didn't freak or take the mickey when they saw his books in the living room!!

He wouldn't ask anything from them, he never has, he still wouldn't. He'd do anything for any of them and has done.

He joked about the psoriasis on his scalp (under his hair) acting up again - he said "I'll just sit here and quietly disintergrate." That about sums it up, don't ask for anything - win, lose or draw - he expects nothing back. I had to argue the point just to ask if ONE night could be booze free because he's so damn worried about THEM enjoying it.

I just wanted one flaming night where I didn't have to know he was struggling, he's fine not drinking when he doesn't have to socialise, socialising without drink is bloody hard and no fun to watch, socialising around drink is ten times harder - but then hey, it still counts more to him that I see my friends.

I give up.

minnie

Equus, I don't understand. Forgive me - it may be because I've a migraine starting.

D tells you that he finds it hard to socialise without drinks and that if he doesn't drink but there is booze around, then that is even harder. You want to see your friends for your birthday, so you decide on a meal in instead of going to the pub. You then e-mail your friends and say that you and D aren't drinking but they can bring their own if they like. You are then unhappy that they've said they will bring wine. That's the bit I don't understand - you told them what they can do - they're just doing it.

Or are you just having a vent becuase life is pretty hard in your situation? Because, by the sounds of it, life IS bloody hard.

Hang in there, hon.

Love

Minnie
xxx

p.s. Is D aware the psoriasis is made worse by drinking and stress? I'm sure he does, just wanted to point it out because my ex's flare ups were always linked to drinking (because he drank when he was stressed).

equus

Minnie - it's true I did say it's ok if they needed to - after all you can't sit round a table with 5 other faces looking like a slapped bum!! I did say I'd like it even more without though and two of them know he's been ill, they all know he's acoholic and trying not to drink!! D first thought what I'd written was constraining their actions way too much to send it!!

Yep - I know about the stress/psoriasis link, he's only just seemed a bit physically/mentally better after our weekend away.

Anyway when all is said and done I can't do anything better than I'm doing - time to act like I REALLY meant I didn't mind if they wanted wine!! It's only one night and it'll be over soon enough.

minnie

Hon, mean what you say and say what you mean.

If you tell them they can bring wine and then they do, then there's no use getting angry about it. If you don't want them to drink, don't say they can bring wine - IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!! You can do what the hell you like.

I'm not having a go, I just don't like seeing you in a tizz.

(((hugs)))

equus

Yeah - I know. After all I could have said no wine then of course I'd have had a lovely birthday looking at them sulking and D feeling a complete idiot for (as he thinks) causing all of this.

I could have cancelled any celebration, same result with D and my friends all think I don't give a toss any more!!

I could have said nothing - which is best. After all, the one thing that doesn't count is my bloody birthday!!

To be honest, why I even imagined saying you can but I'd love it booze free I don't know - I did mean it, they can because them looking happy is as good as it gets. Them actually giving a toss is a long way off!! And I'll keep my word with a cheery smile - hence needing some acting skills!!

I did say what I meant, I just didn't happen to mention them not coming, them not being happy would have even worse results - but then I couldn't do that.

rivercitybelle

You know what???? Cook your heart out and ENJOY yourself. If they want to bring wine or feel they need to have the wine to socialize then fine... you did say it was ok. The world doesn't stop because an A drinks or decides to not drink. I know you are disappointed... I would be too, but you can't control their actions... so HAVE A GREAT TIME yourself. MAKE YOU HAPPY!
You CAN do this!!!!

Zoey

Hindsite, or I can see your mistakes, LOL of course only after the fact.
These are good friends.Right???
Could you have said, "I am between a rock and a hard place here. I want a BD party ,my treat then put down menu.
but I want it to be alcohol free, will you come to a no booze BD party???
RSVP then they know. If they love your cooking they will come, UNLESS they are alcoholic. (My hubby wouldn't go if no alcohol alowed , but you cld set an example for them) They don't go, they miss the fun, and your very good dinner, right?? Good reason to quit drinking. Wouldn't that be nice if it worked?? Set a good example =everyone cured.
Best to you both always

ahcb

Equus,

Someone fill ME in if I am missing something. You are having a party. You prefer no cats. You are allergic to cats, but some of your friends are true cat lovers. So you say in a nice email. Hi, we are trying to do something this year. Breath. So that means no cats, or I prefer no cats, but, well bring them if you want..AND PEOPLE BRING THEM!

I dont know who I dont understand less here. The person who want s to "do stuff without booze" who writes

"if that's easy enough without booze I'd feel even better because one way or another that's where I want to go and it'd seem a fine way to celebrate"

Or your idiot friends who read this and say ..hell im bringing some wine anyway.

Honestly folks, What is wrong with this picture. If you wanted no booze you should of said NO BOOZE. If you didnt care, then why put out this email?

Eq, I think you were hinting at the no booze and did not want to come off like a jerk so you left them an out. IT is time some of us stand up and be heard. NO booze should mean no booze. A good friend, is going to come over to a party without booze. If not, then what kind of friend are they? Honestly, have some backbone. You have every right to say NO BOOZE. It is your house.. Sorry if this sounds fresh, it is not my intention. But the email was wimpy, and indecisive...i dont want to, but its ok, i prefer not, but you can....Come on Do YOU WANT booze there? if not tell them.

pmaslan

wow...a little harsh wouldn't you say ahcb.....but to the point and honest
Love, Patty

equus

D hasn't and won't expect anyone to do anything different from what they want - I'm not the only one involved in deciding whether there's a no booze rule.

I asked rather than instructed - my mistake. I sould have done neither because instructing everyone to leave booze behind would have left D in a position he'd hate, not to mention hardly giving me a good birthday, they would come anyway.

I was just hurt and frustrated that asking wasn't enough.

As for the whole world not stopping for an A - To me he is my husband first and formost and it was me who asked, to me he is so much more than an A.

I'm sorry - I'll get over it and attempt to not repeat the same mistake. In the whole scheme of things that people face here it's just one evening and it'll be over with soon enough. I think in the long run it'll be a case of pulling up the drawbridge!

minnie

ahcb - that's what I meant. I'm obviously not very good at straight talking either!

ahcb

Eq,

Sorry to come off like a jerk, trust me i know how all this stuff is also. Honestly I dont understand the hesitation of saying no alcohol in the house. Once my wife stopped, that stopped. My point is that most people will respect the request. If we go out to a home or dinner where there is booze, my wife has to deal with that. I would never think of questioning the way they do things, it is their home. At ours it is our rules, I mean im in charge..

OK that last line was to show what a sense of humor i can have and not always be harsh..plus all you woman are thinking....husband? in Charge?? Oh my that IS funny....