Sophia57

Hi everyone
This may seem like a trivial question but I'd love an answer from more experienced people than myself.
I went to my second Alanon meeting last night. It's a very big meeting - about 40/50 people. I heard some things that made sense to me but left feeling isolated and lonely.
When the meeting was over we were asked to put away the chairs and donate some money. There's no tea or coffee afterwards and to try to get talking to someone I smiled at people as I helped with the chairs, made eye contact and said hello. I got little response. People were standing around in groups talking. I went to the girl who sells the leaflets who did recognise me from last week & said hello. I said to her I wasn't sure what to do now and she just said "Keep coming back" and shot off.
Everyone seemed to know everyone really well and I notice the same people shared as had the week before - they were called on by the chair.
I hung around feeling like a spare and eventually left.
Can someone tell me is this the usual form at a meeting?
How can I break into what seems to be a closed group or am I expecting too much? Is it just my pride that expects people to notice I'm a newcomer?
I'm going to these meetings without my A knowing so I'm struggling with a certain amount of guilt over that.
Should I try to find a smaller group?
Thanks so much for your help - these forums have taught me a lot in a few weeks
Sophia

minnie

Hi Sophia, and welcome to SR.

That sounds like a big meeting! We had 16 at ours on Monday and that seemed like a lot.

Are there any more meetings near you? Maybe a smaller one would be better. I think I would be uncomfortable if the same people were sharing and I didn't get a chance to speak.

I have been going to meetings since September and there are a few things I have learned. When you are a newcomer, get there a bit early if you can and help set the chairs up. That way you can talk one on one more easily. Say you're a newcomer. At the end of your meeting, start talking to the person next to you before the chairs are put away. If someone said something in their share that you identified with, go straight up to them at the end and talk to them about it.

I know it's difficult when you have groups where people have been going for a long time and know each other really well. But that lady was right, you need to keep going back. Try at least 6 before you decide not to go back.

And please come back here - this place has been a real lifeline for me.

Love

Minnie
xxx

Sophia57

Thanks, Minnie - that's good advice. I'll try going early next time or I might try another group that's on nearby. I can only go on Tuesdays for the moment.
It's daunting when there's so many people - I can't see myself ever speaking up in front of that size of a crowd. Especially when some really have horror stories to tell mine seems small in comparison.
My A is 12 years sober and I didn't know him in his drinking days. I just know I need help to learn how to live with him and detach from his moods and his anger.
I'm learning that sobriety doesn't necessarily mean serenity!
Love
Sophia

Daffodil

Hi Sophia 57,

Welcome to SR. So glad you found us.

I too go to alanon meetings. However our group is very small. My home group has really worked hard to make newcomers welcome simply because we are small and have known each other so long. We don't speak to each other til we have welcomed the new comer.

You mentioned that some of the people who shared had worse sharing than you would have, Well, pain is pain, and you are going for you. Yes it helps to know some have it worst than I do but I can still learn from their pain when they share their experience, strength and hope.

I am right there with Minnie, I have a very hard time trying to share at large meetings.

As for your feeling guilty, I see no reason whatsoever for you to feel that way, when you are ready and feel comfortable you can tell him you're going if you want to. I used to think that if I was married to someone I should have to tell it all. I know today that as long as I am right with myself in any given situation I really don't need any one permission or blessing.

Hope to see you posting soon.

Love and prayers from one who cares.

zoe

I had the total opposite experience at the meetings I went to. Being from a very small town there was at the most 4 people. They welcomed me, gave me info, asked if I would like to read and then pretty much left me alone until after the meeting. We all stood up and said the prayer after wich someone decided I needed a hug. WRONG!!!!
I finally managed to disengage myself from this person and ran to the bathroom to cry. I went back, apologized for being rude and took my things and left.
The next time I went another person asked if it would be ok to give me a hug as this was their way with everyone, I politely declined. I can hold myself together until physical contact is made and then I fall apart. I don't like the feeling so I tend to stay my distance. Try another meeting if you can and keep trying different things as we all need in different ways. Good luck
Zoe

dax

Hi- Try a smaller meeting. I think this may happen more in Alanon than AA. There are some extrememly cliquish[?sp ]groups in West houston. The same people share all the time and then gather around and chat with only their friends afterwards. There is a huge Chapter 9 meeting here on Sat night We went every Sat for a year and I was called on once. It was making me angry. The same people were called on week after week. So we found a smaller group. dax

prodigal

Well, I'll toss in my two-cents and say I agree with everyone else here. I've NEVER been to a meeting where the chairperson(s) has called on specific people to discuss. In fact, it's up to the individual whether or not they want to talk or not. I've had people come up to me and hug me, I've gotten nods of agreement when I've mentioned certain feelings and situations, and I've been in groups of 5 and groups of 30. It's all in finding where you "fit." Not every meeting is for everyone. I have one that is fantastic for me and I make it a point to never miss it. I went to another one for awhile that was just boring to me.

Keep going - try other meetings - and I'm glad you found this place!

Sophia57

Thanks, everyone. It's good to hear all the diferent experiences and that my feelings weren't just me being paranoid or feeling sorry for myself.

I'll try a different meeting next week and see how that is. I have to hand it to those who make an effort to welcome newcomers (except for the unwanted hug!) as it's so hard just to cross that threshold in the first place that a smile and a word of welcome would help alot to soothe the anxiety.

So pleased to have found this place. Just spent a not very pleasant journey to work listening to all my A's resentments, especially our neighbours who he's going to 'sort out'. Here we go again. This is a running battle with both sets of neighbours. I badly need to learn to detach!!

Many, many thanks, don't feel so alone here.
Love
Sophia