Is this wrong?
Stuck in the past
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3
Is this wrong?
I've been reading here for a few days and I really feel at home; however, I've hesitated a few times posting this. But I really need some opinions.
Let me start this by saying I have always been faithful to my AH. For 14 years there have been times when I wondered if the grass was greener on the other side but I never acted on those feelings and kept them silent.
But this last year with AH - ugh!!! Just like every other year - NO CHANGE except we don't live in the same house.
I'm falling for someone else. AH does not know about this (but suspects something happened when this all began ~ nothing did). It could be catastrophic if he did. It's his ex-best friend. I've seen him maybe a handful of times over the year. But I talk to him regularly. We laugh, he understands what I can't say, he's considerate of my feelings, he's responsible, respectful, he's everything my AH is not. He even came to check up on us when AH was in jail a few years.
I think I dreamed about him in the past but I couldn't see his face b/c I didn't know at the time who it was. I really want to be with him. But I want to leave my AH knowing that I've done all I can and I feel as if I have to be emotionally unattached.
I don't think this is a rebound situation. I have been alone for way too many years. I'm lonely and I want to feel whole again. My heart aches when I feel his strain from this situation. It's aching now b/c I can't see him. I want to be free to see him.
Do you think this is a mistake?
Would it be wrong for that to be my driving force to finally get out of this marriage?
Let me start this by saying I have always been faithful to my AH. For 14 years there have been times when I wondered if the grass was greener on the other side but I never acted on those feelings and kept them silent.
But this last year with AH - ugh!!! Just like every other year - NO CHANGE except we don't live in the same house.
I'm falling for someone else. AH does not know about this (but suspects something happened when this all began ~ nothing did). It could be catastrophic if he did. It's his ex-best friend. I've seen him maybe a handful of times over the year. But I talk to him regularly. We laugh, he understands what I can't say, he's considerate of my feelings, he's responsible, respectful, he's everything my AH is not. He even came to check up on us when AH was in jail a few years.
I think I dreamed about him in the past but I couldn't see his face b/c I didn't know at the time who it was. I really want to be with him. But I want to leave my AH knowing that I've done all I can and I feel as if I have to be emotionally unattached.
I don't think this is a rebound situation. I have been alone for way too many years. I'm lonely and I want to feel whole again. My heart aches when I feel his strain from this situation. It's aching now b/c I can't see him. I want to be free to see him.
Do you think this is a mistake?
Would it be wrong for that to be my driving force to finally get out of this marriage?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: somewhere far away
Posts: 27
I understand you wanting to get out of your relationship, and if you are ready, by all means, do it. But, if it were me, the last thing I would be looking for is another relationship. That is just me though. Maybe if you are going to leave, give yourself some time to heal from this relationship. Maybe it's a rebound thing, maybe not. If it isn't, it will be waiting for you when you are ready. I don't know if that helps, but just some insite on someone looking in. Only you know if your relationship is truly over, and you are ready to move on. I hope whatever you decide to do, you are happy.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
I've been seeing someone
quietly and quite casually.
But the ABF and I are not married...no vows to each other or God were involved.
If you want to leave your husband and you're sure that's what you want, then make plans and do that. But separate the two issues...there's your marriage and there's this friendship. They should, in my mind, be in separate columns and should have no bearing on one another.
But the ABF and I are not married...no vows to each other or God were involved.
If you want to leave your husband and you're sure that's what you want, then make plans and do that. But separate the two issues...there's your marriage and there's this friendship. They should, in my mind, be in separate columns and should have no bearing on one another.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
cspell
I am sorry to hear that this is causing you so much pain.
I would be wary of going from your marriage straight into another relationship. If you are meant to be with this guy, it will happen. There is a lot of healing that you may need to do, otherwise you will carry on old behaviours in a new relationship. You say you are lonely - I have found out in the past few years that you can be way lonelier in a relationship than not. Be your own best friend first rather than getting someone else to fill that gap.
walkingtheline is right - 2 separate issues. Give youself time.
And keep coming back - I'm looking forward to getting to know you.
Love
Minnie
xxx
I am sorry to hear that this is causing you so much pain.
I would be wary of going from your marriage straight into another relationship. If you are meant to be with this guy, it will happen. There is a lot of healing that you may need to do, otherwise you will carry on old behaviours in a new relationship. You say you are lonely - I have found out in the past few years that you can be way lonelier in a relationship than not. Be your own best friend first rather than getting someone else to fill that gap.
walkingtheline is right - 2 separate issues. Give youself time.
And keep coming back - I'm looking forward to getting to know you.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Ma
Posts: 145
Hello,
I agree with the above. If you leave take some time to be in charge of, worried about, and concerned with, only you. I would suggest that if it is time to end the marriage it should feel that way with or without a potential new man
I agree with the above. If you leave take some time to be in charge of, worried about, and concerned with, only you. I would suggest that if it is time to end the marriage it should feel that way with or without a potential new man
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
Cspell,
I know all too well what you are feeling right now, I have gone through the same situation. I left I was with another man, he treated with respect, he cared about me, we had so much in common, it was like a fairytale. I got pregnant and I left him to go back to my ex. It is only now that I look back and realize what I gave up and only now that I realize why I did. I never took time for me , I didn't work on me and my co- dependency issues and I ruined what could have been a great relationship.
I guess what I am trying to say is, be careful and really make sure you take time for yourself before you start a new relationship.
Mindi
I know all too well what you are feeling right now, I have gone through the same situation. I left I was with another man, he treated with respect, he cared about me, we had so much in common, it was like a fairytale. I got pregnant and I left him to go back to my ex. It is only now that I look back and realize what I gave up and only now that I realize why I did. I never took time for me , I didn't work on me and my co- dependency issues and I ruined what could have been a great relationship.
I guess what I am trying to say is, be careful and really make sure you take time for yourself before you start a new relationship.
Mindi
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