SBJKE32

Well, my husband is late yet again....I know what this means. This morning we got into it and he explained to me that our marriage isn't very good. That we would "talk" tonight and we need to work on our relationship. He has been sober for three days, but that was only b/c his sister was here. He did this all last week, up until she came, and now, look what he does again.

I told him this morning that I felt like a single mother. I am the only one that takes care of the children, the only one here up until like 8 pm every night. He took a job that has late hours, and he gets paid about half of what he used to, but he was way too unhappy in the other profession. So, now he gets paid twice as less and works twice as much, still drinks and is depressed, and can't figure out why I am so mad, and resentful and fed up.

I don't even know what to tell him, or say. I give up. I plan on just sitting there and letting him talk, and then I am going to bed. It is too much to raise two kids, and then have to deal with him. I know I should leave, I think about it every day. He plays the depression card really well, and when we had our pastor over for counseling he kept reminding me of the "in SICKNESS and in health" deal. Its just that his sickness is affecting my health, and I am over it. Plus I have kids, and I don't want to have a custody battle, b/c I don't want him having anything to do with them alone. He doesn't have that time with them now, and how would I sleep if they have to spend time with him alone....I couldn't.

I want him to be the man I know he can be, but I don't know that he wants that. I am not attracted to him when he is drunk or drinking, so how am I supposed to feel that for him when he is always drinking or drunk. If I talk to him about it, then he is depressed, and all in all...it's all my fault (according to him). I know it's not, and I don't listen to that. Just sick and tired, and over it all.

Gabe

I'm really glad you are aware of that.
The "sickness and health" clause is a two-way street.
I think sometimes getting "fed up" is our catalyst for change.

wraybear

SBJKE32 - your story sounds similar to mine. I know how difficult it is to try to raise children feeling like you are doing it alone. I "kicked" my AH of 16 years out 3 months ago and it truly is easier, less stressful and more peaceful, without him and his addiction. (we have a 5 year old and 8 year old and I have a 19 year old who lives here too)

I have dreamed that the man I married would reappear. I sometimes wonder if the alcohol has damaged their brains, and there is no possibility of them to reappear. It is so sad.

Is your pastor aware of his addiction? I have had some people at my church tell me maybe we should just live separately, but not get divorced. I think they are CRAZY! I think of alcoholism as a form of adultry. They are "in love" with something else and put priority in that bottle instead of where God intended it - their marriage. One of God's purposes for us on this planet is to have loving relationships with people. We can love our addicts, but that doesn't mean we have to live with them. Our addicts are incapable of a loving relationship with anything other than their bottle.

The pastor from my old church was older, in his 60's... when I went to him years ago one time when my AH was in rehab, I asked him if there was someone in the church who could be my H's mentor, or "sponsor" - this is a church with over 600 members. He said he didn't know any alcoholics. YIKES! So, that tells me that he is not very in touch with the people. Maybe your pastor doesn't understand addiction either.

Most of my "support group" at my current church have been very encouraging regarding my separation. And very supportive. So, right now I am separated and I don't have to get divorced in the next 24 hours, so I'm not.

Take care. Glad you found this sight... Hope you can find some peace soon!

SBJKE32

My pastor did know of his addiction. I begged my AH to get couseling, so he brought the pastor over and told the pastor we were having marital problems. About two months earlier, I was out of town on business, and he had the pastor over and told him everything.

So when we both sat down to talk to the pastor, my AH went on and on about how bad he has been about drinking and hasn't been able to stop and wants help. So, my pastor does the "your forgiven of all your sins" thing, and then asks if I have anything to say.

So, I go into detail about him spending our only money on booze...money we needed for groceries, and that it is taking all I have to stay. The only thing holding me back is the fact we are so broke I would have to move in with my parents....which I am not ready to do....yet.

So the pastor tells me that it is God's will that makes me strong enough to stay and hold my family together, and help me not to divorce my husband. Which, you know, I am Luthern, am a believer and love my religion, but I have to question where God's will is for my husband. It certainly isn't to hold our family together, and isn't to stay sober, and isn't to be a good husband, christian, or father.

I have a three month old, and a seven year old. I don't want to yank my seven year old out of school (my parents live in another state). I know he doesn't know quite what is going on with his dad. My AH stays away long enough that my son is in bed so he doesn't see him drunk. Which I appreciate, but I am sure my son wonders why he doesn't EVER see his dad. I always tell him he works late, and that is all my poor son gets from him. Anyway, I am thinking that June when school is out, I am packing up and leaving. I am not going to tell my AH just yet what my plans are, but I will give him till then to turn it around. If he can't....I am out. That will also give me enough time to maybe stash away some funds and I also have some retirement I can use to move into a place that is just in the same town as my parents. That way I don't have to live with them, but they are there to help. They are great wonderful people, just can't do the living with them thing.

I am afraid that it will take me leaving for him to turn his life around, but the problem is that if I leave, I will never take him back, never will be in this situation again. So I have to deal with the fact that if he can't change by then, it's over, it makes me so sad, sad for my kids cuz they will never know the man I knew.