sdp

I was not going to post about this, but something happened this morning the sent me over the edge.. If my story is too garbled, please request clarification.

Background- I have a neighbor, G. He had a relationship with C1 that produced a daughter C2, now 11. I have twins that will be 11 next month.

G lives in my backyard, and has been friends with hub's family for many years. He is one of my hub's big drinking buddies.. When C2 visits him, she spends a lot of time over here with my kids. However, G will also take all the kids places. The majority of the time, tho, the kids are with me.

Both G and C1 are strong willed people. I also have to say that C1 is one of the few people I actively dislike. Actually, I hate her. She is a 2 faced lying loudmouth b#tch. Sweet as pie to my face, then downtalks me and lies about me. G is usually the one to tell me what she says, although others have too. (she called my kids "stupid").

C2 is okay. I feel badly for her, as the mother uses her to get stuff from the father, and G is inconsistent with his discipline. I have seen C2 in the middle of their garbage,and it is not pretty. Unfortunately, C2 is also materialistic and loves shopping.

OK.. forward to Friday. C2 is coming to stay with G. According to G, C1 has her income tax $ and is partying it up. He wants to go to the boat Friday night and is not sure when he will be home. Wants C2 to stay with me Fri nite. I agree. He gets home about 10:30, with a case of beer. Uh oh, I think. Once he starts drinking, he can go on for days (added note- on Xmas day, C2 came to spend it with her dad. He was still going from the night before with another of his cronies. She spent Xmas day with my kids, here, playing Sims 2, had turkey with us, etc)

So, saturday comes. G is still drinking, and now my hub is with him. So C2 is with us Saturday, Saturday night, into Sunday.(G is still going, but H is actually home by this time) My lenten resolution is to attend Mass every week, with my kids (we have been horribly lax) C2 is not Catholic, but is interested and wants to go. Horrors!! She is wearing the same clothes from Firday, and the only other clothes she has are for school on Monday. I offer to wash her stuff for her when we get back. She had been waering a brown velour type sweat outfit. Her school clothers were a pair of black jeans and a shirt. She puts school clothes on,we go to church. After church we go to the store where I work as they are having contests and valentine making, etc...

When we get home, I do a load of laundry, washing C2's stuff. She is with us until 8pm Sunday where she goes to G's to get showered, etc.

Now, this morning, C2 calls. She informs me that her clothes have shrunk, as I put them in the drier. Her mom says they have to air dry. WTF??? Is she thinking that I will offer to buy her new clothes?? I just said oh, sorry. So, her mom fails to pack enough clothes for her, her dad spends the whole weekend drunk. I wash her clothes for her, and I am the bad guy?? I am so mad right now, I am tempted to tell G that his daughter is no longer welcome in my home anymore. But who will that punish?? I also think she called at the instigation of her mother, who probably already called G and yelled his ear off about my ruining her daughters clothes. GGGRRRRRR....

Another aside here-- about a month ago, G broke his ribs and severely over medicated himself. He said something hurtful to me, but I decided to forgive him that due to the pain and medication. He said I was a doormat, and people wipe their feet on me and leave. Later, when he was normal (sort of) I told him what a terrible thing he said, and it was funny, as he takes advantage of me a lot. He honestly did not know what I meant, and I did not mention it was about his daughter. I thought that would cause more problems with the kids.

Vent over. There is a lot I am leaving out, and if anyone has a question, I will be happy to elaborate.

minnie

sdp

Sounds to me like you're just doing nice things for the kid. Accidents happen sometimes with laundry - well, for me anyway! As you said, it wasn't your fault she didn't have enough clothes.

Their drama, hon.

Love

Minnie
xx

p.s. Your post was very clear!

sdp

Thanks Min.. It's not like her clothes were, like, a special wool sweater. A sweatsuit and jeans!! Also, a lot of clothes "relax" after wearing. However, I was not about to argue that point with an 11 year old.

sdp

Actually, I have something funny to add. After I spoke with C2 this morning, my daughter wanted to talk to her. Now, this daughter is the MASTER of saying the wrong thing. She asks C2 why she called?? C2 says, very softly "my clothes shrunk". My daughter says "Your parents are drunk??" .. ay yi yi

zoe

This poor girl is put in the middle of a horrible situation and as you stated she probaably was put up to the call by her mother. I myself have had to go buy clothes for a child that the parents had neglected. In this case being so close to the father I would have gone over and told him, Look your daughter has nothing to wear, Either you or I can take her shopping or her mother can bring clothing. You stated that C2 is materialistic. Could it be that this is the only way she sees to have a relationship with her parents so she takes full advantage of it?
Don't know the whole story so going on what I read
Zoe

sdp

I am sure the mom knows how much time she spends here. She has called here to speak with her daughter. However, I will never call the mother for anything. I want nothing to do with her. She would find a way to blame me anyway, or she would flounce over here , scream at G and whisk her daughter away. Anyway, it was convenient for her to not have her daughter around. And I will never offer to do anything with her clothes again!!!

I didn't mind tossing her stuff in with things I was washing anyway.

Zoe- you hit the nail on the head. I think she is so used to being used as a pawn that she has figured out a way to use. It really sucks. She's fine with me, usually. (she can be moody and a PITA) Also a drama queen. but sometimes, when she's here , she does act like a little kid, and not a miniature adult, so maybe it's good. I don;t know.

I did see G this am- he and his dog were in the driveway, and I asked him to move the little dog so I didn't run over him.. He was a little wierd , so either he's feeling remorse, or C1 has already given him several ears-full and he's scared to talk to me!

I really try to stay out of their drama. I have been in the middle of things before, and it caused a lot of problems.

cwohio

wow sdp - you really do feel sorry for the kids and it's know wonder they learn to survive any way they can! i think you are right - time she spends with you she actually can be a kid again and enjoy life as we all should. blass you for thinking and not giving in to your anger and telling him she isn't welcome!

ahcb

SDP,

Sounds like you do your best for the girl. Perhaps she doesnt have a lot of clothes or perhaps she is asking about them because her mom did , or is telling her to. I agree with CW, the girl probably goes to your house and can just exale and relax. Also perhaps your daughter is the master at saying JUST THE RIGHT THING..Either way, very funny

sdp

Thanks CW.. Telling him she was not welcome was a gut reaction I knew I would regret if I did it. He's avoiding me today.

And AHCB- actually, this girl has lots and lots of (very) nice clothes. she is quite the fashion plate. And I am sure her mom is the one who b#tched to her about the clothes and made her call me. I really don't see her doing it on her own.

Another thing to mention is that G lives in a little apt right in my backyard- it is attached to the garage, so we are VERY CLOSE. We park in the same driveway. His place is so small (3 tiny rooms) it is another reason I don't like to send her home- all the boozos sit in the kitchen and drink. What kind of fun is that for her?? Or, really, anything. It's pretty gross and no place for her.

gormll

SDP.... you are a very, very kind soul.... you are doing something very valiant for that child... however.. in the bigger picture here..... maybe something should be addressed by child protection services...This poor child is basically being left to fen for herself... the mother drops her off (knowing full well what's going to happen)...the father drinks all weekend.. without any regard for the care of that child... perhaps shaking both of them up might be the best thing for all of them. If they don't need to worry about anything... cause you seem to take care of it, why would they change?

I wish you were my neighbor because you are truly a loving, caring person and just don't deserve the kind of treatment you are getting!

Linda

sdp

Thank you Gorm, but I'm not actually all that nice-- one advantage of having her here is that it keeps my kids off my back (mommy, I'm bored, etc) A bad thing is that 3 is not an even number, but they tend to "tag team" her also.

I don;t think DCFS is a viable solution. It would cause way more problems than it would solve.Anyway, G's mother is known to go to his house every day, her other grandmother lives only a few blocks away.
But thank you.

I have considered sending her home when he's drinking, but I think that would be more an issue of trying to control him. Meaning- I want you to stop drinking so I will force you to do it.

sdp

I think G thinks that I am mad at him. He seems to be avoiding me. Usually, he is in the house several times a day.. Not a peep since my last posting.

We had 2 fallings out previously. 1 was genuine (he demanded that I call C1 to "explain" why I picked the kids up from a practice. I refused and he freaked) The second was like this one- he assumed I was mad at him about something, so he avoided me again. Then it gets awkward)

Anyway, when C2 left my house, as I had washed her 2 pairs of pants, she was wearing a pair of my daughter's pants. I asked her to leave the pants at her dad's house... Note that there are "Happy Bunny" pajama pants that my daughter loves, and got for Xmas from her dad)

My hub continues to go over G's place.. G mentioned to him that he does not see why C1 was so upset as I was doing C2 a favor, and it also appears that the only thing that was shrunk were 2 cotton shirts- think men's undershirt types.. Anyway, the pants are not at G's so apparently, C2 took them home. I am sure that C1 is laughing at how my fat daughter's pants just swim on her oh so slender daughter. (I really mean that- she would do it)

So am I in the position of having to call the nasty evil B and ask for the pants back? We had previously lent C2 a videotape that mysteriously disappeared, and C2 insisted she had given back, but later said she thinks it was given away) Also, I found a ring in the washer that I think fell out of C2's pants. Should I hold the ring hostage, in exchange for the pants? C2 has not been over her dad's since, so the only way I could bring this up is to actually call the NEB. Suggestions?

DefofLov

Sounds extremely frustrating. My initial response is to distance yourself from G but still welcome C2 into the home, because she is a child and seems to get along well with your daughter. G and C1 sound like very irresponsible parents. I feel really bad for C2.

velma929

I don't know if this is any use to you...but a friend had "clothes issues" with her step-daughter's mom. If the kids actually play, I'm guessing they're not quite old enough to spend the whole day at the mall trolling for boys, so could you keep a few extra things at your house? Not houte couture, maybe some things from the re-sale store?
the way my friend solved the problem was to have step daughter change clothes the moment she arrived at the house. The outfit she wore when she walked in the door was the one she wore when she was returned to her Mom. So the Mom quickly learned that complaints like "I sent her in clean clothes and you sent her back in dirty ones" didn't, ummm, wash, so to speak.

Sad the kid is caught in such a lousy situation. Glad you can find it in your heart to offer her some kindness and attention.

jessieandme2003

We did something like this during some custody challenges in my first marriage.

My first husband had an evil first wife, and she would send the kids in terrible clothes on purpose, no matter how many nice clothes we sent over. We'd send them back in beautiful ones, just to see awful ones the next time.

So we learned to let the kids change the minute they arrived -- into clothes of ours -- and then change back when it was time to return. It seemed weird at first, but they were kids, and like anything... they just picked up on the routine quickly and it became the norm.

sdp

Thanks Def, but she is only around when she is at her dad's, and she has not been there since that night (or, the day after)

Thank you also Velma, but she can fit into my kids' clothes.. I will just never let her wear anything nice again.

And BTW- my daughter is not fat, but she is not thin either. Solid might be a good word. C2 is pretty , well, skinny.

I also wimped out and asked hub to call C1 about the pants.. He will, and will probably enjoy it!
A few years ago, C2 was over on Halloween. Next day, she was taken out of school for lice. Now, on Halloween, i had taken kids in for major curling iron treatment. I am sure that if they had had lice, the stylists would have noticed. They did not, and luckily, my kids did not catch it... C1 blamed it on me- C2 plays with other kids that go to my kids' school, and everyone KNOWS that school is just Full of lice.. Whatever.. A few days later, I was looking for an electronic lice comb I have- to check my kids again... Can't find it. Mention it to hub, and he said he had loaned it to C1. Fine, I'm cool with that. I ask G to tell C1 that I would like it back, when he talks to her. I don't know what he told her, but the next day I get this message- "Well, I hear you're screaming for it, so, even though I'm not done with it, my mom will bring it back".. 15 mins later, her mom is at the door.. Now, I have no idea what G said to her, but can you imagine the drama?? Did I yell at her for letting her lice infested kid play with mine? No.. I've been through lice. it is soul destroying.

sdp

Just saw yours, JAM.. I have heard so many people complain about the clothes thing. G complains about it also. He should probably do what you and Velma mentioned.

minnie

Seems like this family thrives (?!) on drama. What do you get out of being part of their script?

I admire you for giving so much to this little girl, but you don't need to get sucked into all this stuff.

(((hugs)))

Minnie
xxx

sdp

Oh Minnie, this is the first time in a while thst I have been sucked in. I try to avoid it,and her. The biggest problem is proximity- G is in my backyard. He has been friends with hub's family for many many years...

And they do thrive on the drama.

DefofLov

I really hope that things work out for you. Stay strong.