Stay or go?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Stay or go?
Hello,
This is my first time here, and I have been reading many of your posts, and it has been nice to see others feeling how I feel. I have only recently begun to believe that my husband is possibly an alcoholic. I am not sure where habit ends and addiction begins. I know he is capable of stopping (he stopped for 3 or 4 months after receiving his 2nd DWI -- $$$), but he's also said that a beer drinker is just who he is and its what he likes to do. This past week has been particularly bad. He's passed out and urinated on the couch about 3 times. I have been contemplating ending our marriage. Fortunately, we are still young and do not have any children. After reading some posts about how an alcoholic husband affects the lives of kids, I am terrified to bring children into this marriage. However, I do love this man. I don't want to leave him. But I have to be concerned for the lives of our future kids, right? I believe that when you marry someone, you marry them for everything they are. He was a drinker before, but I honestly thought we were just being college kids. Hey, I went out and partied with him all the time then! We had a blast! But that was 3+ years ago. I've grown out of it, and I just don't see the end in sight for him. Again, I love him so much. He is so fun to be around...in fact everyone loves him. He's just a likeable guy! He is responsible, makes a nice living, and thinks the world of me. Today I told him that I was worried about him, and he said he was ready to quit again. If he follows through, great. But then again, if not...
Any thoughts?
This is my first time here, and I have been reading many of your posts, and it has been nice to see others feeling how I feel. I have only recently begun to believe that my husband is possibly an alcoholic. I am not sure where habit ends and addiction begins. I know he is capable of stopping (he stopped for 3 or 4 months after receiving his 2nd DWI -- $$$), but he's also said that a beer drinker is just who he is and its what he likes to do. This past week has been particularly bad. He's passed out and urinated on the couch about 3 times. I have been contemplating ending our marriage. Fortunately, we are still young and do not have any children. After reading some posts about how an alcoholic husband affects the lives of kids, I am terrified to bring children into this marriage. However, I do love this man. I don't want to leave him. But I have to be concerned for the lives of our future kids, right? I believe that when you marry someone, you marry them for everything they are. He was a drinker before, but I honestly thought we were just being college kids. Hey, I went out and partied with him all the time then! We had a blast! But that was 3+ years ago. I've grown out of it, and I just don't see the end in sight for him. Again, I love him so much. He is so fun to be around...in fact everyone loves him. He's just a likeable guy! He is responsible, makes a nice living, and thinks the world of me. Today I told him that I was worried about him, and he said he was ready to quit again. If he follows through, great. But then again, if not...
Any thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Hi Texas Girl,
Welcome!!!
Since you have been reading many of our posts for awhile I'm sure you can see just how this disease progresses. I think most would stop drinking for awhile after a 2nd DWI. I know several people that have done the same thing, once the shame settles down they go right back to the drinking again. You are very lucky that you are young and no children are involved. You are right if he quits that is wonderful, but consider what you will do if he doesn't. From my experience it just continues to get worse each time they stop and start again. Keep reading and check out Al-Anon near you. Happy Valentines Day to you too...
Love, Patty
Welcome!!!
Since you have been reading many of our posts for awhile I'm sure you can see just how this disease progresses. I think most would stop drinking for awhile after a 2nd DWI. I know several people that have done the same thing, once the shame settles down they go right back to the drinking again. You are very lucky that you are young and no children are involved. You are right if he quits that is wonderful, but consider what you will do if he doesn't. From my experience it just continues to get worse each time they stop and start again. Keep reading and check out Al-Anon near you. Happy Valentines Day to you too...
Love, Patty
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
texasgirl - welcome - you've landed in a great pile of knowledge and caring. wonderful people that will support you. read some of the other information on this site. get into al-anon if you can soon. you don't have to decide anything right now. you need to be armed with information about alcoholism and your piece of the puzzle.
it's a progressive disease and i am talking from experience - been married to my ah for 14 years and it's gotten pretty bad the last few years since he's retired.
hugs - chris
it's a progressive disease and i am talking from experience - been married to my ah for 14 years and it's gotten pretty bad the last few years since he's retired.
hugs - chris
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Ma
Posts: 145
Hey Tex, (always wanted to say that)
The fun part of this disease is that it is progressive. An Alcoholic WILL get worse.
Patty said . "From my experience it just continues to get worse each time they stop and start again" I had a doctor tell me the same thing. Now quitting for 3 months even for a DUI is a good thing. How was he during that time? The one thing I have found is that you can have someone who may be a problem drinker but not a classic alcoholic. We here also tend to paint in broad strokes due to our own background and experiences.
The question of staying or leaving is difficult. I am one who gives the advice of RUN, Run fast and far, far away from it. Now did I do the same thing? Of Course not..Experience is a wonderful teacher. Our oldest daughter is a senior in college so not to much younger than you. If she came to me I would simply say that it is not worth it. I would say you deserve better.
My wife now has stopped for 15 months. She goes to 3-4 meetings per week, every week. She works the program. My point is that even sobriety is difficult. It is better than the alternative, but I would never suggest anyone stay in a marriage like this. Ask yourself this: How long can i put up with this behavior? If it doesnt bother you, GREAT. However if it does, and you stay it is a slow torture. Peace and Good Luck.
The fun part of this disease is that it is progressive. An Alcoholic WILL get worse.
Patty said . "From my experience it just continues to get worse each time they stop and start again" I had a doctor tell me the same thing. Now quitting for 3 months even for a DUI is a good thing. How was he during that time? The one thing I have found is that you can have someone who may be a problem drinker but not a classic alcoholic. We here also tend to paint in broad strokes due to our own background and experiences.
The question of staying or leaving is difficult. I am one who gives the advice of RUN, Run fast and far, far away from it. Now did I do the same thing? Of Course not..Experience is a wonderful teacher. Our oldest daughter is a senior in college so not to much younger than you. If she came to me I would simply say that it is not worth it. I would say you deserve better.
My wife now has stopped for 15 months. She goes to 3-4 meetings per week, every week. She works the program. My point is that even sobriety is difficult. It is better than the alternative, but I would never suggest anyone stay in a marriage like this. Ask yourself this: How long can i put up with this behavior? If it doesnt bother you, GREAT. However if it does, and you stay it is a slow torture. Peace and Good Luck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: AK
Posts: 143
It does sound like your fairly young and you grew out of it. It is possible that he will grow out of it also. I would say go to a trained professional with your concerns if your husband is willing. If not you will find out in due time what the true situation is. I hope with all my heart that he takes your concern seriously and will be evaluated.
Zoe
Zoe
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: NEWCASTLE, ENGLAND
Posts: 14
Hi TEXAS GIRL,
It is for you to decide, I too grew out of the fun of alcohol. I am married to an A partner and we have two kids. Difficult!!! My view is that yes you love him,but he loves A. Get out now while you can. There are lots of guys out there who do not have a problem with A. Good luck. Dotty
It is for you to decide, I too grew out of the fun of alcohol. I am married to an A partner and we have two kids. Difficult!!! My view is that yes you love him,but he loves A. Get out now while you can. There are lots of guys out there who do not have a problem with A. Good luck. Dotty
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
Remember the chorus from the song by the Clash?
Could be sung by ANY of our other halves...
Should I stay or should i go now?
Should I stay or should i go now?
if I go there will be trouble
and if I stay it will be double
so come on and let me know
Should I stay or should i go now?
Should I stay or should i go now?
if I go there will be trouble
and if I stay it will be double
so come on and let me know
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
reading these posts and seeing all the different effects...some of which my ex didnt have yet.....but wondering if he would, and thinking about living with it getting worse, gave me the strength to end it. course im still here reading-validating my exit.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
There's a big difference between quitting and getting into recovery.
Even if he did get into recovery, it will be a long hard road. It would be easier if you were also in al-anon. I don't mean to paint a gloomy picture as I do know some happily married AA and Al-anon couples. However, unfortunately, I think they may be the exception rather than the rule. When you both get into recovery, there's no telling if you'll even be reading the same book, never mind be on the same page. And I would seriously not consider having kids with this guy until he has some serious recovery under his belt.
I came to the conclusion that life didn't have to be that hard. I also realised that I loved the man I wished my ex would be more than what he was in reality.
You'll know when you've made the right decison. keep coming back.
Looking forward to getting to know you.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Even if he did get into recovery, it will be a long hard road. It would be easier if you were also in al-anon. I don't mean to paint a gloomy picture as I do know some happily married AA and Al-anon couples. However, unfortunately, I think they may be the exception rather than the rule. When you both get into recovery, there's no telling if you'll even be reading the same book, never mind be on the same page. And I would seriously not consider having kids with this guy until he has some serious recovery under his belt.
I came to the conclusion that life didn't have to be that hard. I also realised that I loved the man I wished my ex would be more than what he was in reality.
You'll know when you've made the right decison. keep coming back.
Looking forward to getting to know you.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Texas Girl, let me ask you this...............are the good things out-weighing the bad things right now?
Is he giving more to the relationship than he's taking or coming out even? If so, that's wonderful and makes it even harder for you to make a big decision like leaving.
But you know, as was already said, alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will continue to get worse. Keep asking yourself if it's really worth it and what you are getting out of the marriage.
Don't let yourself get lost in his addiction. It happens to the best of us even when we say we won't ever allow it. Alcoholism is a cunning disease and it can grab up the best people and suck them in and effect everyone around them.
One thing I really want to comment on because I've seen the devastation it causes...you made the comment about protecting your future children.
Let me tell you how I feel pretty blunt and to the point. Just my opinion.
If you have concerns now about bringing children into this situation - then perhaps you shouldn't plan to have children.
And if you want children someday but not in this situation - rethink who you want to have children with and what environment you wish to raise them in.
I have 3 children - my AH is an alcoholic. My brother has 4 children - he is an alcoholic. I see the internal scars that the children of these alcoholics carry and will continue to carry forever. And while my parents were not alcoholics, both of my grandfathers were; therefore, my parents carry those scars as well and it affected the way they parented too.
I am not one to say "Run!" right away. I like to believe that those that want and seek and work for thier recovery have a chance of making it in the sober life. But that means that they have to do it! They have to want it, seek it, work it, etc. But also, the people affected (like you) have to want, seek, and work for recovery too. Whether there are children involved or not.
Is he giving more to the relationship than he's taking or coming out even? If so, that's wonderful and makes it even harder for you to make a big decision like leaving.
But you know, as was already said, alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will continue to get worse. Keep asking yourself if it's really worth it and what you are getting out of the marriage.
Don't let yourself get lost in his addiction. It happens to the best of us even when we say we won't ever allow it. Alcoholism is a cunning disease and it can grab up the best people and suck them in and effect everyone around them.
One thing I really want to comment on because I've seen the devastation it causes...you made the comment about protecting your future children.
Let me tell you how I feel pretty blunt and to the point. Just my opinion.
If you have concerns now about bringing children into this situation - then perhaps you shouldn't plan to have children.
And if you want children someday but not in this situation - rethink who you want to have children with and what environment you wish to raise them in.
I have 3 children - my AH is an alcoholic. My brother has 4 children - he is an alcoholic. I see the internal scars that the children of these alcoholics carry and will continue to carry forever. And while my parents were not alcoholics, both of my grandfathers were; therefore, my parents carry those scars as well and it affected the way they parented too.
I am not one to say "Run!" right away. I like to believe that those that want and seek and work for thier recovery have a chance of making it in the sober life. But that means that they have to do it! They have to want it, seek it, work it, etc. But also, the people affected (like you) have to want, seek, and work for recovery too. Whether there are children involved or not.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
This was me and my guy...
"He was a drinker before, but I honestly thought we were just being college kids. Hey, I went out and partied with him all the time then! We had a blast! But that was 3+ years ago. I've grown out of it, and I just don't see the end in sight for him. Again, I love him so much. He is so fun to be around...in fact everyone loves him. He's just a likeable guy! "
I can only suggest you keep reading and talking here. The more you learn the easier it is to find what you want to do for you.
"He was a drinker before, but I honestly thought we were just being college kids. Hey, I went out and partied with him all the time then! We had a blast! But that was 3+ years ago. I've grown out of it, and I just don't see the end in sight for him. Again, I love him so much. He is so fun to be around...in fact everyone loves him. He's just a likeable guy! "
I can only suggest you keep reading and talking here. The more you learn the easier it is to find what you want to do for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: US
Posts: 316
Here is my story...
I met my husband in college. He was so fun. So likeable. I was the luckiest girl to get the guy who was the most fun. He was handsome and personable and sweet. We were totally in love.
Fast forward 15 years...
He has been sober for 4 weeks...I am thrilled. He is thrilled.
But in between that time, we got married, had 2 children, he lost his job, lost his property, lost his "figure", lost his friends, lost his self respect, lost his joy.
The process of gaining that back is proving to be the most painful journey of his life.
It is hard to watch. I have no objectivity, as I do love my husband and would NEVER chance the spirits of my children in wishing that things had been different.
Given that you do not yet have children and are LIGHT YEARS ahead of where I was at your age. I say, you are so wise. Read, read, read and read more. Read every post on this forum and then find other Alanon forums and read more.
And know...your desire for him to stop drinking will get you NOTHING. Your education about what it is like to live and love an alcoholic will get you EVERYTHING for YOU.
Perhaps your husband is just a fun party guy who has yet to grow up...I thought that for years....at 38 being the fun party guy no longer fits.
Stick around.
Jenny
I met my husband in college. He was so fun. So likeable. I was the luckiest girl to get the guy who was the most fun. He was handsome and personable and sweet. We were totally in love.
Fast forward 15 years...
He has been sober for 4 weeks...I am thrilled. He is thrilled.
But in between that time, we got married, had 2 children, he lost his job, lost his property, lost his "figure", lost his friends, lost his self respect, lost his joy.
The process of gaining that back is proving to be the most painful journey of his life.
It is hard to watch. I have no objectivity, as I do love my husband and would NEVER chance the spirits of my children in wishing that things had been different.
Given that you do not yet have children and are LIGHT YEARS ahead of where I was at your age. I say, you are so wise. Read, read, read and read more. Read every post on this forum and then find other Alanon forums and read more.
And know...your desire for him to stop drinking will get you NOTHING. Your education about what it is like to live and love an alcoholic will get you EVERYTHING for YOU.
Perhaps your husband is just a fun party guy who has yet to grow up...I thought that for years....at 38 being the fun party guy no longer fits.
Stick around.
Jenny
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
You mentioned being concerned for the lives of your future kids. Right on sister friend! You DEFINITELY need to consider that. You don't want kids raised by an active alcoholic, which from what you describe, he most likely is.
But, what about you... do you have concern for YOUR life right now?
Just something to think about!
A good book that I read when I first discovered I may have married an A is titled "The Booze Battle" by Ruth Maxwell. It is an older book, but very good. It really helped me realize the battle ahead. From the addicts point of view and from the spouses point of view. She also tells the story of about five different addicts and how the world views an A and how an A views the world. Very insightful.
This book helped me realize for the first time in my marriage that my A WAS AN A. I have never doubted it since. I remember years ago struggling with "is he really an A?"
Yes, he is really an A.
Good luck. Glad you came here seeking support for yourself.
But, what about you... do you have concern for YOUR life right now?
Just something to think about!
A good book that I read when I first discovered I may have married an A is titled "The Booze Battle" by Ruth Maxwell. It is an older book, but very good. It really helped me realize the battle ahead. From the addicts point of view and from the spouses point of view. She also tells the story of about five different addicts and how the world views an A and how an A views the world. Very insightful.
This book helped me realize for the first time in my marriage that my A WAS AN A. I have never doubted it since. I remember years ago struggling with "is he really an A?"
Yes, he is really an A.
Good luck. Glad you came here seeking support for yourself.
Barely There
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Adelaide Sa
Posts: 39
Ditto to all the above
Read as much of these posts as you can and get a feel for what it is like for us who have waited 10+ years for our fun-loving, likeable, happy boyfriends/girlfriends (now AH's or AW's) to grow up!
Making the decision doesn't get any easier - we can just hope to empower ourselves and be true to ourselves.
Best of luck.
Aud.
Read as much of these posts as you can and get a feel for what it is like for us who have waited 10+ years for our fun-loving, likeable, happy boyfriends/girlfriends (now AH's or AW's) to grow up!
Making the decision doesn't get any easier - we can just hope to empower ourselves and be true to ourselves.
Best of luck.
Aud.
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