zoe

My AH and I were discussing a co worker of his who drinks and does drugs. They ride together to and from work. The subject came up about his pot use and how much he was spending on it. My AH says" I know he smokes pot everyday because I can smell it on him after work but he does not smoke it at work." I asked how he smells it on him after work if he is not around him. His answer," He smokes it in the truck on the way home." I said so you smell it while he is sitting next to you smoking it? He did not choose to tell me this until I questioned him.
Here is the poll part.
Who thinks of this as a lie?
Who thinks of this as just not telling the whole story?

My answer is this is a lie. He did not tell me he smoked it in the truck on the way home from work he said he smelled it on him.
Also He did not choose to tell me this until the question was brought up about when my AH would see him after work if he goes straight home and no where else.

His answer. He just did not tell me the whole story and does not consider this a lie.
Zoe

JessicaNAJ

I've found in dealing with my AH that I don't get a straight answer unless I ask the right question. He always told me that he never lied to me. That could be justified. But after years of the wool being pulled over my eyes b/c I didn't ask the right question, I now call it lying.

My Vote - LIE.

FormerDoormat

I call that a lie by omission. I'm quite familiar with those types of lies, as I've discovered my entire relationship with my AB has been a continuing series of lies by omission. In fact, the lying (both direct lies and lies by omission) is so pervasive that I assume my AB is ALWAYS lying to me. It's kind of like the common response I give when my friends/family inquire if my AB is under the influence: "Well, he's an alcoholic, so it's safe to assume he's ALWAYS under the influence of alcohol."

I no longer allow myself to be fooled by the alcoholic in my life. I ALWAYS assume he's lying and I ALWAYS assume he's under the influence of alcohol. One day I'd like for him to prove me wrong, but so far that hasn't happened.

wraybear

it's called deceit. From the time my two oldest were probably 10 years old, i told them deceit is the same thing as a lie. And I truly believe that. Whether or not an out and out lie was told, if you hide the truth, that is deceit, THAT IS A LIE, period.

My girls still understand and "get it" to this day, and, of course, my AH has been told the same thing - but AH is almost 47 and chooses not to "get it." It's just another part of addiction - DECEIT, LIES, etc.

I know it is so frustrating. I don't understand why our A's can't get it through their brain that if they are deceitful, then ususally the story they are telling us doesn't make sense, and then we know they are not telling the truth. Hmmmm, pretty simple concept for us, but very complicated concept for them.

Will they ever learn?

zoe

He was not being ctitical of his co-worker. We were on the subject of finances when I brought up the fact that the co-worker could have so much more if he did not buy so much pot. So I was the one being critical. We have known this person since he was about 12 and we have been close to the family. I have been referred to as his second mom so I do worry about him.
My AH used to smoke pot and has lied to me about it befor so I am confident in saying that he omitted this part of the story so I would not be suspicious of him and yes I did ask if he was smoking it also. His answer was not but I don't believe him. He said that since it is the co-workers truck he can't very well tell him not to do it. I do agree with this. They ride together because my AH does not have a vehicle where he is at and taking a cab is not feesible. They are loggers and work in the woods.
Zoe

ahcb

zOE,

He did not tell you so you would not get upset. Perhaps that is true. You are now "polling" to see if he lied, and when he said he did not smoke you said you do not believe him! Just because our spouses have problems we are sometimes guilty of OVERREACTING Gee do you think he did not say anything so he would not have to deal with this, especially if he is NOT doing anything.

A lie by omission perhaps...But understandable based on your reaction

zoe

I did not react. I did not tell him I thought he was smoking. I did not accuse him of anything.
To make things clear I asked him a few questions because I was confused. My AH can be very evasive and confusing most of the time. I have commented that talking to him is like pulling teeth. On occasion I have asked him if I need to get the pliers out. This can be applied to the simpleist conversation such as "I heard you talking to your brother, what did he have to say." answer "Nothing". So you talked to him for 2 hours on the phone about nothing.
I am not trying to be nosey. I have a good relationship with my inlaws and when he talks to them I enjoy hearing what is going on with them and their kids. It is also a way for me to connect with my husband on good level.
Zoe

EndOfRoadWife

My vote- LIE!!! (I am such an interrogator after dealing with my husband, I probably annoy people at this point because I question everything) ha ha and trust nothing..