Gracey

I was sitting in my kitchen lastnight, I was talking to my H about my oldest daughter........one of my co-workers suggested on her next time off of school that I should bring her to work with me, and let her do some filing for the secretary, she would get good pay........and give her some experience in an office environment........my H of course didnt have anything to say, except dont get in trouble at your job.........and that my daughter would stand around going daaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, and made comment that she is not the sharpest knife in the drawer........I was offended but blew it off....

Than I started talking about her going to college.......I was excited, she only has two years left, she is a sophmore this year........so next year, I will be filling out paper work and looking for colleges to accept her. He says something to the fact, can I send her to Australia........Okay, Yup.....I got mad...........

I said to him it would be nice, If I could just share my happiness, and how proud I am of her, without him being so negative. than he says, how he dont care. He said to call her dad, I can share it with him.......(her real dad hasnt seen her but maybe 5 times in 10 years) that hurt............than he went on to say, how he isnt going to be recognized for everything he has done for her.....than he goes off on a tangent saying how he dreads the day my two older kids starts making kids.....he dont want anything to do with them......I am going to be so happy one day, when I get my first grandchild........It makes me feel like I am going to not be able to share any of my most happy things with anyone. I guess maybe not so much sharing my happiness with him............but hearing how much he dont want anything to do with my two older kids..........How can anyone be so bitter..........against something that I love so much.........and not just that, not only not be happy for there accomplishements, but atleast be happy for me, without throwing so much bad comments at me when I am sharing how proud I am.........

than at the end saying he was joking about her going to Australia, but the rest of what he said was the truth. I feel like I cant share anything with him, and that makes me sad, and just tells me how alone I am in this marriage.......you are suppose to be able to share happy things with your H......and not every conversation you have with someone turn into ****.........I always regret, thinking I can share something nice with him, because I always get negative feed back, which turns my good moments into defending...............this is one reason I dont want to live like this anymore.....

I want to be happy, I want to share good things......I want to have good conversations......I want to be able to be proud, and to talk about her going to college.......which makes me sad, but happy...........no one will ever share these things with me..........until maybe our daughter goes through this......but I have two before her going to go through this........and my oldest in just two years..........

splendra

Gracey-

You really deserve better than this. When even the simplest of things turns into an act of violence it is time to change. That conversation was a violent assult on your emotions. What are you going to do about it Gracey? Don't you have any family anywhere? Aren't you tired of this honey? Tired enough to make a change think of what your kids are getting from this man do you have a son? I hope not because this man is so destuctive I would hate to think he is contributing to the forming of a male's mind.

Don't you love your kids enough or yourself enough Gracey you don't have to continue in this....ENOUGH...... GRACEY

Gracey

He says to me God, I cant even joke with you, without you getting so serious and so mad............cant I take a joke......

the thing is he will never have nothing to say to me, unless it is negative, or bills, or what is bothering him...........and I am suppose to listen......I see the smile on his face when we talk about our daughter.........when she passed her ice skating class and got her first ribbon..........how can he not understand...the proud feeling that I have with my oldest..........the milestone we are both about to encounter........the joy, the love, the happiness for my daughter.........the next huge step in her life.......me letting go of my baby........which is going to be one of the hardest yet happiest things that I will ever do in my life........and thank God she is choosing to go to college and that she wants to be a teacher.........that she has goals.........and that she gets great grades.........and that she doesnt do drugs.......and hang out at parties, and that she is responsible.......and she is not boy crazy........she likes to hang out with her same friends that she has had since 4 grade........and one of her dearest friends since kindergarten........I know some of the kids she has went to school with are pregnant.........and skip school, and smoke and do drugs...................these are my kids, but kids that he has raised for the last 10 years...........kids that his mother has known for longer........I give up on them loving them.........I give up on them caring about them........I am not responsible for what they think of them or me..........but I am responsible for how they treat us..........as Petunia wisely said........

Gracey

I guess I think that If I cant share all my happiness with my own H.........and if he dont care........

than who else will??? After I pour my heart out here..........if I were to tell him this........he would say go tell there father, and that it is not his fault that there father dont give one rats ass about them........I GIVE UP

Gracey

My heart breaks for many reasons.......but I will not sit here today all day and pout, I am not a quitter..........I am going to clean the house go to my sons hockey game, take my youngest daughter and her friend to the mall or movies or something.........so this is just what my heart aches about and for.....and it feel good to be able to talk about it without getting negative comments or an arguement..........

Gracey

Thankyou all for letting me bend your ears...........

abtchonamission

Gracey,

There are plenty of people out there who care. I think it's a wonderful idea to bring your daughter to work when she has a day off - especially if the boss is open to the idea as well.
You have plenty of reason to be excited about college plans for your daughter coming closer. Your husband is so out of line to treat you as he does. And I agree with Splendra - you DON'T have to put up with this. You have so much to give, and deserve someone who appreciates all that you are. He obviously doesn't. And that is proof that there is something wrong inside of HIM - to me, it says that he doesn't value himself. Don't let him cause you to value yourself less. Everyone here at SR knows the value of you - your a wonderful person, and a great mom. Your children are very lucky to have you for their mother.
Hugs,
Trisha

fancy

gracey, I say this with compassion, because I have a AS I don't understand the dynamics of a relationship with an AH, but why are you still there? I read in your post he says you can't take a joke..if it isn't funny it ISN'T a joke. Would he say the same sort of thing about your younger daughter that he does about your eldest? Does your eldest daughter know that he feels this way? What is your son learning about treating a woman from this man? Because he is watching. In your last post you wonder why he is erasing the history. You know why, don't you? I am so sorry you are having to go through this and I am so sorry your children are watching you not being treated as you should.

Hon, you deserve so much better, love your self enough to make a good choice. And again I apoligize in advance if this sounds rude. I think you sound like such a strong woman who has been beaten down. You deserve so much more.

God Bless you
Fancy

JessicaNAJ

What a jerk - sorry, he sounds just like mine.

You deserve so much better.

((((GRACEY))))

jojo

Gracey -

I have one question for you. What are you waiting for? Please answer this question. I would really like to know and if you can put it in words then it might help you finally figure this whole thing out.

Hugs, Jo

wraybear

How would he feel if you said those things about his biological daughter?

I sure hope he doesn't talk this way in front of the children or to the children. It is so damaging for the children to hear such negative, abusive talk. Maybe the one comment he made might have been a joke, but he chose to go on and on and the rest sure doesn't appear to be a joke.

It would be a great thing if this man could truly love his step-children, but it sounds as if he is incapable.

Gracey, so sorry about your situation. Hope you can find some peace today. Wish your AH could have had it in his heart to treat you and these children better. But, the older children will definitely remember this abuse and it may be hard for them to forgive and they may never forget. It is a sad situation.

Is your AH even aware he has a problem?
Does he understand the harm that he is causing?
Does he make others want to feel bad, because deep down he feels so bad about himself?

Not that any of why he is the way he is and what makes him tick even matters at this point, because obviously he is a very troubled adult.

What's the best way to protect yourself and these wonderful kiddos?

Peace.

Dee at Mt Bully

Gracey--really hon--how much is too much--I hate to think what impact his
attitude is having on your children. They hear and know a lot more than you think.
Please take care of yourself and your babies--prayers--Dee

Gracey

I went to my son's hockey game.........he did great......he played catcher for most of his minor and major league baseball.........It was fun..........I brought Bree with me and she must of had to go potty three times.........and doesnt like going by herself.......so I had to stop watching the hockey game.......and than she wanted gooo....(sticky stuff dont ask) than she was thirsty, and wanted frenchfries.........It is not suppose to be so much work............lol but we had fun.........most of the game she met some girls her age there and colored with them.........I dropped my son off after the game to one of his bud's house to spend the night........my oldest daughter is having fun with her friends at the mall and the movies and bree came home and immediatley went to her friends two doors down.........

I am home, and I need to now play catch up and do laundry, and clean...........whooooooooo hooooooooooo the fun never stops.

FormerDoormat

Gracey:

I'm in complete agreement with Splenda. Couldn't have said it better myself. I have only one daughter and I never married her father. Actually he told me to get rid of the baby or he'd walk. I said goodbye, and he quickly moved out of state in an attempt to avoid taking any responsibility for my daughter.

For the first year or so of my daughter's life, he tried to continue a relationship with me--but only me. When he'd visit the area on travel, he'd call me up and ask me out. I wanted my daughter to have some sort of relationship with her father, so I'd show up for the date with my daughter in tow, dressed up like like the precious gift she was, hoping he'd come to love her. But each time, he'd just pat her on the head and say, "hello." Then he'd lavish attention on me. It was as if she didn't exist in his mind.

I realized that he simply didn't have any feelings for my daughter, and although he appeared to have feelings for me, my daughter and I were a package deal. I could NOT allow him to treat her with such callous disregard. What kind of message would I be conveying to my daughter if I allowed her father to ignore her like this? It would send a message that I believe it's OK for folks to treat her like a second-class citizen.

So once I came to the realization that by allowing her father to ignore her, I was sending a message to my daughter that I, too, felt she was a second-class citizen, something I simply could not allow, the solution was easy. I told him that unless he wanted to be a father to my daughter, I never wanted to hear from him again. He said, "say it one more time." I said "I never want to hear from you again." He said, "say it one more time" (guess some folks take a while to get a message). I said "I never want to hear from you again." And you know what? I never did. My daughter is 19 years old now and a wonderful and responsible young woman. She is confident, happy, and well adjusted. Her father never made a single child support payment, never sent her a birthday card, never called her on the phone. He simply disappeared.

If you're worried about making it on your own with three children, consider this: When my boyfriend abandoned me, I was making just $11,000 a year. Daycare cost me $6,000 a year and since I was her sole provider, I had no choice but to put her in daycare. Welfare or state subsidies were not an option for me. I don't take handouts. I can take care of myself. So where there's a will, there's a way. We not only scrapped by, but eventually we thrived. Two years ago, I bought a big single family house in my own name and together my daughter and I are paying for her college tuition in cash. We don't need student loans. For the last 19 years, we have been a strong and happy team. I'm so glad I realized that my daughter deserved all or nothing.

Your children are bright, they already know your husband does not care for them. They are well aware that he cherishes Bree, but he has little feelings for them, perhaps even contempt. They already know his mother loves only Bree. They already know your MIL doesn't love you. And Bree already knows that her siblings are second-class citizens in your husband's and mother-in-law's eyes. Young children are very intelligent and intuitive. They can clearly see and understand their situation.

If you stay the course, your two older children will begin to feel like second-class citizens. You are a wonderful person, and despite what you think, you are very strong. I see it in your posts. You are a caring, loving, and wonderful mother. Your children mean everything to you. This man is hurting not only you but your children as well. As their mother, you must do all you can to shield your children from harm, especially harm that comes to them under your own roof.

You already know what needs to be done to change your situation, now all you need to do is muster up enough courage to say enough is enough. You can't change your husband or how he chooses to live his life, but you can change the way you live your life. We only get one chance at life, one chance at happiness. Why do you think you deserve less? You don't. Let that unhappy man wallow around in his own misery, you and your children don't have to wallow around in it with him.